"Feels Like the End of the World, This Sunday Night"

I'm in a bad mood today. There is no reason. Yesterday I had a great day: I slept in but not too late, worked out, got a lot of paperwork done that I needed to do, did a little light cleaning, and then got myself taco bell for dinner and watched movies all night, then SNL, and I drifted off to sleep very pleased with myself.

But today I just feel empty. Its not for lack of trying. I got up straight away this morning, worked out (I've vowed to be better at doing that) and tried to get myself out and into the day. I did some more cleaning, started packing for the holidays, tried playing my guitar. When all that failed I fell back on my old habit of going for long drives and listening to some soulful music - John Mayer, Jewel, Paul Alan. I thought about calling some friends to chat but just didn't have the motivationI ate two cookies, tried to find a movie to watch on TV. But I still feel....dead.

I hope its just that end-of-the-weekend dreading going back to work (and dreading the stress of the holiday travel ahead of me) blues, and not something more.


QUIET - JOHN MAYER
midnight
lock all the doors
and turn out the lights
feels like the end of the world
this Sunday night

there's not a sound
outside the snow's coming down
and somehow I can't seem to find
the quiet inside my mind

3:02
the space in this room
has turned on me
and all my fears have cornered me here
me and my TV screen

the volume's down
blue lights are dancing around
and still, I can't seem to find
the quiet inside my mind

daylight is climbing the walls
cars start and feet walk the halls
the world awakes and now I am safe
at least by the light of day,
at least by the light of day...

Feeling the Horrible

Six months ago, I was at rock bottom. I had gone through the tumultuous breakdown of a friendship with someone I cared very much about based on actions they had taken, and was left feeling betrayed and heartbroken. I was so far gone that I barely felt like living. And even though in hindsight I can tell that the situation was in no way the end of the world, my world was at its end at the time.

(Can you recognize the BPD traits of chaotic relationships, emptiness and emotional overreaction in that?)

My friends all tried to make me feel better: one just told me to forget this person, another tried to keep me constantly busy to get my mind off of it. But one friend (one who is now helping me see how to evaluate how I hold up others in my eyes) gave me some of the greatest advice I've ever gotten. She told me "Don't be surprised by the pain....let yourself feel it, and experience it... and only after you have can you truly let yourself heal."

So last night, when I was once again watching reruns of Grey's Anatomy, the following conversation between Meredith and her therapist brought back those words:

Meredith: It makes absolutely no sense to try to be happy in a world that's such a horrible place.

Dr. Wyatt: Yes.

Meredith: What?

Dr. Wyatt:Yes, horrible things do happen. Happiness in the face of all of that... that's not the goal. Feeling the horrible and knowing that you're not gonna die from those feelings, that's goal. And you're not done. You've made progress because you're feeling and you're telling me about it. Six months ago, it would've been just you and a bottle of tequila. My door is always open.

Now that I think about it, it also reminds me of a phrase that I've picked as one of my "coping thoughts" to repeat to myself when I'm really having a breakdown.

My feelings may make me uncomfortable right now, but they are not going to kill me.

Another one of my thoughts: I'm a sensitive person who experiences the world differently and has unique emotional experiences.

I have thoughts like these written in a tiny notebook that I keep with me at all times, along with ways to relax, defect self-destructive behavior, and make good decisions when I'm overwhelmed. Its been a big help to me.

As a person with BPD, I've always been emotional, and a lot of times these emotions have run my life. They've made me who I am, stunted my growth and made me miss out on a lot in life. But I am learning. I am learning how to feel the horrible, know I can survive, and helping myself heal. That's the goal.

"Who Says I Can't Be Free?"

While doing some research and reading on BPD the other day, I came across this google health article that got me thinking about recovery. As I read the article, hoping to learn more about BPD and use and share that knowledge, I was disenchanted that the only information on this page on the prognosis of the disorder was "Borderline personality disorder has a poor outlook because people often do not comply with treatment."

Call me an optimist (with BPD?!?! Yes, its possible) but I just don't think "poor outlook" is the way to define the condition of me or any of my new-found friends with BPD. I believe there is hope, that we can have faith for brighter futures.

Yes, I am sure that many borderlines don't always follow their treatment plan, but treatment isn't black-and-white. It's not like developing an infection, where you go to the doctor, get some tests, and takes some pills and get better. Treatment takes a long time, its a long hard road. And by the very nature of mental illness, you stop caring very much for yourself and your health, and you do things that are unhealthy for you....its just as easy to skip out on therapy as it is to self injure or withdraw from your loved ones. If you have a physical illness and stop taking your medication, you feel worse and you know you have to take your meds to feel better. But when you have a mental illness, and you're not following treatment, you just don't care - you don't matter, you're health doesn't matter, and you believe the lie that mental illness feeds you that nothing will help you ever feel better. So I'm not surprised that many people with BPD, like with many other mental illnesses, don't always stick with treatment.

But it doesn't make us hopeless, and I know my case is a reason to have faith. I believe I've had BPD for at least 5 years now - I've been in states where I stay in bed for months, I've had periods where I've used food or medication or self-injury to numb my pain. I hit rock bottom six months ago and decided once and for all I wanted to get rid of this. And in those six months of treatment (individual and group therapy along with a DBT workbook) I have already made great strides.

One of the first things my therapist told me is that BPD is a condition that people can learn to treat and live with, and that for some people eventually recover from it completely!!! And I know she was right, because I'm doing better and there is so much research out there showing that recovery is possible:

One of the biggest myths have to do with whether BPD is something that people can recover from. One of these myths is that BPD is incurable. In fact, until several years ago, people thought that once you had BPD, you were stuck with it for life. However, we now know that this is not true, and that BPD actually has a very good prognosis. In fact, recent research suggests that people are more likely to recover from BPD than from bipolar disorder. The second myth related to this idea that BPD is incurable is the idea that BPD is untreatable, and that treatments don’t work for people with this disorder. Just like with the other myth, this is definitely not true. In fact, we now know that people with BPD can make incredible progress in short periods of time when treated with therapies developed specifically for BPD.
-Dr. Alexander L. Chapman (full interview here)

I've been addicted to a new favorite song, "Who Says" by John Mayer, simply because of the following lines, a great reminder for me that no matter what people say, there is hope for me:

Who says I can't be free
From all the things that I used to be?
Rewrite my history,
Who says I can't be free???