The Edge of Manda

Hard Work

2010-08-26T20:08:00.003-04:00

I'm tired today.

The reason is I have a new job. Finally, a real job.

So far, so good. I like it, but it has been hard. The hard part is the transition, new places and people and all the overwhelming emotions and anxiety that go with it.

I'm working had everyday to overcome myself and be who I really am inside.

That's tiring, but I know it will be worth it.

If there's one thing I've learned about life, its this: sometimes it sucks. But during those hard times, all you have to do is survive. And better times are always around the corner.

I'm Not Dead Yet

2010-07-23T01:08:00.003-04:00

Haven't had much time lately for keeping up with this outlet, but I'm squeezing in a few minutes tonight. I'm alive, somehow I'm alive, and I feel like I shouldn't be. With all I've been through in the past few months, with the fact that I'm unemployed and somewhat homeless, trying to find my place in the world when I can't even find a substaintial job in this economy...I should be at rock bottom, right?

But I'm not, and I don't know why. The only thing I can think of is those little coping strategies that lurk in the back of my brain and creep up when things get back. Like when I spend the day applying for 50 jobs (and no that's not an exaggeration - I kept track the other day) and I get so tired and frustrated and feeling that the world is so unfair when I have worked so hard and given so much...and at the end of it I just cry and want to give up, and this little piece of me tells me to slow down, take a break, have a nap or go for a drive, and let my body calm down until I can handle it again.

Or when I couple the job situation with the fact that I don't know where I am going to be living in a few weeks, let alone sleeping next week and the urge creeps into me to just hurt myself, to just scratch up that perfect smooth skin on my arms, and I think back to that red marker I keep in my purse to simulate the activity so I don't really do it.

I dont know. I may fall apart here very soon. And there have been some bad times when I didn't feel like I could go on. But after I calmed down I did. I'm not dead yet, and that means something, right?

Dissociated

2010-06-24T02:25:00.003-04:00

I feel horrible about not updating lately. Not too horrible, because my life has been hell the past few weeks. Just a few of the things that have happened: huge fights in my family, I interviewed for a job and did not get it, I became very discourage on my job search, someone close to me is having a very hard time, I have major issues with my living situation, I met up with someone from my past who I do not get along with and who makes me very angry to be around, and on top of I had my period dammit!!!

Most of this past week or so, I have been pretty dissociative. That aspect of BPD used to scare me - I thought I was going crazy or having a complete breakdown when it would happen. But after being diagnosed and learning about it I have come to accept it as a part of who I am. This has been so dynamic for me - to learn that sometimes my emotions just sort of "shut down" because I can't handle them anymore. My body and mind take a break from it all, because it just can't handle anymore.

And every once and a while, that's ok. I know now that I am not going to lose myself, or go crazy. Its just a temporary break.

And actually, it kind of made me feel better. Knowing that I was sort of "checked out" for a while allowed me to function at about 98% normal for this week. I was pretty quiet and zoned most of the time, and I barely ate, but I went to work every day and made it through the day. I managed to answer the phone when the job rejection call came. I managed to speak civilly to the person I cannot stand (and actually came out feeling better knowing that thought we will never be friends and least I am not full of hate anymore) And I made it through the lonely nights at home even when they were really hard.

Don't get me wrong, dissociation sucks and I will be glad to come to the day when I never experience it again. It sucks because in the middle of this episode I went to a dear family member's graduation and I barely even felt like I was there. I know it should have been wonderful to see all my distant family that I never get to see, and celebrate with them, but I was just floating around the party scraping up small talk. I would have liked to have been my normal self at that party. But with all that had happened, I couldn't. But someday, I know I will...

My Athletic Life (and Reaping its Benefits)

2010-06-01T23:14:00.004-04:00

I have recently tapped into the benefits of exercise, having just trained for and completed my first 5K race (a longtime dream!). My therapist was thrilled to learn I was running and exercising, especially since she felt it would somewhat make up for the lack of prozac in my system and ease the withdrawl as I went off that particular pill. I was thinking today about my athletic life. We can have a professional life, a personal life, a sex life...why not an athletic life? My athletic life is seperate from my other lives - such as my work life and my life as a person with BPD. When I'm out running or training, I am in another world - a world where working hard does equal results (like it doesn't often in the confusing real life world) and you can set goals and reach them by following a logical, prescribed sequence.

But its been a long road to here. The road from non-runner to a 5k race was long enough on its own, but that's not the long road I'm talking about. When you have BPD and hate your life and/or you are depressed, its hard enough to get out of bed. Let alone go out and run. Or even pop in a 20 minute workout video and get through it without crying about how miserable you are. I've done all those things before, and I don't really know how I overcame them this time around. Maybe its because I started getting better, or maybe I started getting better becuase of all the exercise. If I figure it out I'll let you know.

But while I figure it out, I'll share this article from active.com about the physiological effects exercise has on your body and mood. Its easy enough for our therapists or doctors or loved ones to tell us to go out and exercise because its good for us. But its an entirely different thing to do it when you are in the world we life in. So I hope that this article inspires some of you with its simple and logical reasons to add some form - any form - of exercise to your recovery.

_____________________________________________________

7 Ways Exercise Relieves Stress

Fitness Together Santa Monica PRLog.com

I'm a self-confessed "stress-pot". It's not an easy admission to make, simply because I hate being stressed. And knowing I stress over little things, stresses me out more.

Without exercise, I'd be locked at home, brimming with stress and depression. I know because I've been there when injured. It's something you only notice if exercise is a central part of your being.

Most people I know who workout regularly say that they use exercise to manage their stress--as well as to look better, be healthier and all the rest.

It seems that if exercise isn't a part of your life, you might be at a disadvantage when it comes to daily stressful situations. By starting to exercise, you can learn to stress less.

That may not be the case for everyone and there are other ways to cope with stress, but for me, exercise is the most natural, effective and cheap coping mechanism. Exercise and stress are closely related.

How Does Exercise Relieve Stress?

If you don't have a very active lifestyle, and often feel strangled by stress and depression, you may want to take note.

Here are the main ways exercise and stress are connected:

Body Systems

When stressed, each of your body systems (cardiovascular, nervous, respiratory, muscular etc.) need to interact efficiently for you to respond well. Exercise helps your body systems practice interacting with each other, in a healthy way. This directly leads to a better overall response to stress.

Endorphins

These are your natural pain killers that give you a "high". Although more research is needed, there's no doubt that long periods of moderate to high intensity exercise, does have a happy affect on your emotions.

Fight or Flight

This is your natural reaction to any stressful situation. The problem is that much of today's stress doesn't require either physical fighting or running. But your body still provides the chemicals for it, which can be harmful if they remain. The best and most logical way to clear the chemicals, is to actually do some exercise.

Rhythm and Flow

Some exercise, like running and cycling, lets you get into a rhythm. That rhythmic flow of a repeat action relaxes your mind. It's a bit like focusing on nothing and everything at the same time. It's your time. Just make sure you keep an eye on where you're going!

Socialize

Any sport or exercise with friends, gives you the chance to socialise, that you may not normally get. "Having a laugh" with friends is more than just fun. It gives you a chance to share your problems, and know that someone is there if you need them.

Better Sleep

Lack of sleep often leads to a vicious cycle. You become more stressed and anxious during the day, which means it's even harder to sleep at night. Exercise not only helps break that cycle, but can lead to a positive cycle instead. When you sleep well, you'll have more energy in the day and be more productive.

Organize your Life

Stress is often caused by a lack of organisation and planning, whether it's in your work life or home life. Following a workout plan, where you set yourself goals and ultimately have a sense of achievement, will help you transfer those skills to the rest of your life.

Stress Busting Exercises

When it comes down to it, any exercise is better than none. Don't worry about which exercise is the best for others, focus on yourself and what you enjoy.

If you're not sure, then try different things out. Use the buttons on the top left of this page to find something you enjoy.

Here are some more tips to exercise and stress less:

Mix up your exercise. It depends on your goals (burn fat, get fitter, build muscle etc.), but including a mix of, for example, aerobic, interval and circuit exercises will benefit you the most overall, when dealing with stress.

Adapt your exercise to your type of stress. If you tend to feel out of control, try rhythmic exercise (as described above - running, swimming, cycling etc.) and some yoga or pilates to focus your energy. If you tend to feel angry and aggressive, try combat exercise like martial arts or boxing.

Make the first move. I know it's hard when you're stressed out, depressed and don't feel like moving a muscle. The problem is, things will just feel worse if you don't. So, however small it is, make that first move. It could literally be putting on your exercise shoes and going for a walk. Build from there.

Take it easy. If you're just getting started with exercise, go slow. If you have any concerns, see your health professional first. There's no point jumping in head first if you pick up an injury.

Final Word

Now you know the many connections between exercise and stress. The facts are hard to ignore, try doing some exercise today and see if it makes a difference.

If you know anyone who always seems to be stressed or short-tempered, let them know about exercise and stress. You can't force anyone to do anything, but you can point them in the right direction.

_______________________________________________________

"Autobiography in Five Short Chapters"

2010-05-26T22:13:00.002-04:00

Found this great poem while reading at work today. I could ramble on about what it means to me in my own journey of discovery, or what it could mean to you, but I think it speaks for itself...

------------------
Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
by Portia Nelson

Chapter I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit ... but,
my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter V

I walk down another street.

The Failures and the Victories

2010-05-25T17:10:00.003-04:00

I had a bad episode this past weekend. I won't go into all the details, because its so complicated. But suffice it to say a lot of little triggers came together to set me off and I was also treated badly by my family, so I briefly lost control.

When this happens now - when my emotions take control and I lose conscious control of myself - my mind automatically seeks a way to "distract, relax, cope." The method I chose to use this time was to listen to meditations on my ipod (some I've downloaded and others I recorded myself out of my DBT book). However, my ipod was dead and I had no way to do this, and this exacerbated the problem. When I did finally get my ipod going, I listened to this one and it calmed me down.

Then I focused on coping - I used several coping thoughts from my book. I practiced radical acceptance - I accepted the fact that people were treating me bad without hurting or judging them, just accepted it so I could move on. I went to work that same day, feeling terrible, but went. I avoided situations that would make the problem worse, even though it meant leaving home for the rest of the weekend. And though I have been sad in spirit for days now, I got up Monday morning and went back to my own life.

In life we have failures, and I may always have the problem of losing physiological control and having my emotions hurt me all over. But we have victories too. And the choices I made were the victories.

I still hurt. But I'm not frantic and angry anymore - I've relaxed enough to begin the coping process. And I'm carrying on. So fitting that the other night on a rerun of "Sex and the City" this quote from Carrie - after she tried being a model and fell on the catwalk during a fashion show - caught my attention:

"When people fall down in real life, they get right back up and keep walking"

Where in the hell am I? And where did my normal self go???

2010-05-10T19:37:00.000-04:00

So I have been in a weird mood for the past week.

It started last week when the last computer in the house that worked stopped working. Now I have two that will not get online, so I have to go to my work or the library to get all my work done. And I have a lot of work and it is stressing me out. On top of my day job, I am looking for a new job and applying for at least a dozen a week and getting nowhere - its a lot of work getting together nice resumes and cover letters - or spend 5 hours filling out an online application - and pisses me off when I don't even get a simple confirmation from them.

I am thinking about taking a job 8 hours away and that is scary! I have tried that before and failed at it. My therapist and I have discussed both the failures and my possible future moving away at great ends. I have lots of coping stragagies worked out that I can use to get me through it, and I think its possible. But right now I'm in a tizzy and can't even see how anything would work out ok.

On top of that, I'm having one of the worse episodes of PMDD I've ever had. I have been in a state of derealization for the past three days, and have started to have such overwheming anger. I literally almost threw my cell phone and the ground and smashed it to pieces the other day, because I was so frustrated with the crappy service I get. I'm having pain and bloating and am so irritable I cannot stand it. I feel like hurting myself for the first time in months. Going off prozac is not helping this either...I have been I was down to 1.6 mg of prozac a day, and was doing fine with every step down from the 20 mg,but once I went off it completely I got headaches and kind of freaked out. So I went back on the small dose for now, at least to get through this period.

This entry is pretty disjointed and random, but that's how I feel right now. I'm using all my stragegies to get through this - distracting myself, trying to relax, doing things to take the place of self-injury (is it odd that summer is coming and I've found that waxing is a great substitute for SI?) But those things are just getting me through, I still feel like my brain is in a fog and not functioning normally.

The only thing that really is helping is knowing this is just temporary, and that in a few days, once my period starts, I will be back to normal. I will probably check in with you all then.

Chosing Happiness = Choosing the Journey

2010-05-03T18:00:00.005-04:00

I love it when my favorite TV shows deal with mental health, and one of my favorite shows right now is Mercy. For those of you who haven’t seen it, it focuses on Veronica, a nurse who served in Iraq and is now home dealing with PTSD. In last week’s episode, they talked a lot about choosing to be happy. Her ex, who served with her, said he chooses every day to move on and to be happy. Her response?

“You just choose? Must be nice!”

I had always heard of the concept of “choosing” to be happy, and for a long time I believed it was purely that simple: that making the choice resulted in instant happiness. And my response was the same as Veronica’s. I envied those who could just choose, and knew I’d never be one of those people.

But I was misguided. Choosing happiness is not a choice that instantly makes you happy. I know now that choosing to by happy is a long and winding road, a series of developments and a whole hell of a lot of practice.

Choosing happiness should more accurately be called “choosing the process” or “choosing the journey.” Because when you make the choice, happiness does not just instantly “turn on” in your mind or body. Usually, when you make the choice, it is the beginning of your path to recovery. You’ve decided to be happy, but happiness does not occur just because you choose it. One you choose it, you have to learn the skills and processes to create happiness in your life. This can take weeks, months, even years.

Once you choose recovery (which is, let’s face it,almost analogous to happiness) you have to reprogram yourself and change the habits and behaviors that make you sad. We’ve adapted to our condition and a lifecycle that perpetuates unhappiness. People with BPD and depression and other mental illnesses are addicts – we’re addicted to our self-destructive behaviors and the unhealthy ways we cope like alcohol or self-injury or binging, etc. (and understandably so – they’re the only things that bring small temporary comfort in our world with no other comfort, so why wouldn’t we be addicted to them?) But with a lot of hard work, we can abandon those addictions and find new ones to take their place. We can become “addicted” to using positive coping strategies such as “Distract, Relax, And Cope” (see entry “Emergency Coping Plan”) or Self-Affirmation (See entry “Thoughts from my Little Notebook"). These don’t come naturally to us: we have to learn them.

But once you learn them and practice them, you find they bring small amounts of comfort. They sooth you the way a glass of liquor or a cut arm once soothed you. So little by little, these behaviors take over. Recovery happens and eventfully – though it may take a long time – happiness creeps in. It creeps in because by choosing recovery, you’ve chosen happiness.

For me, the day I chose to finally seek a diagnosis and get treated was the day I chose happiness. There was no happiness in my life that day; I was as far down as a person could be. The happiness came later. But without that first choice, it never would have happened.

And I sit here now, typing on my computer and looking out the window into a world full of beauty, beauty and life that I missed for so long, when I thought choosing happiness was next to impossible.

What You Mean to Me

2010-04-26T19:22:00.003-04:00

I am so thankful for the people who read this blog.

Whether you follow my posts or have just dropped by once to read a single entry, I am blessed by you being here.

You give me a reason for living, an ear to listen to my voice. Through my hardest times and my beginning and continuing the journey through recovery, someone out there has been listening to me.

But even more important to me are some of the responses I've gotten to my stories here. I've been able to listen to other people vent about their life with BPD. I've heard from people who are searching for answers and guidance and beginning their own recovery. I FINALLY know that my own suffering has not been in vain, because people here have found strength and hope in my story. I can't honestly say that this has made it all worthwhile, like the cliche says, but its makes me feel worthwhile and somewhat whole. to know that my life reaches out across the world and touches others lives.

So, as I sit here and tell you how much you mean to me, it literally brings a tear to my eye as I feel so blessed to have shared my progress here, and will continue to do so.

So, you mean the WORLD to me!!!

And again, thank you for reading!

Read my Story. Sign your Name. Make a Difference.

2010-04-22T11:24:00.003-04:00

My journey of recovery from BPD was so close to not happening.

For years I suffered from the disorder and though I suspected I had it, I had no health insurance so no access to mental health services. At one point I began seeing a counselor at a family center, but the cost - even on the reduced fee scale - was such a burden on my finances I had to stop. At one point, when severely depressed and self-injuring, my sister took me to a crisis center and all I got was the runaround - a list of people who I needed to call...and when I called them I was simply referred to another person, who referred me somewhere else, and so on.

I suffered due to stigma as well. Not so much the stigma against mental illness - I knew I was sick and embraced that. I talked about it with my closest friends and family and although they did not know what to do to help me, they loved me through it. Yet I feared going to a doctor or counselor and saying "I think I have Borderline Personality Disorder." I thought for sure he/she would brush me off as a crazy person self-diagnosing by googling my symptoms or reading Wikipedia (I did both of those things, but also consulted a copy of the DSM-IV). In a way, that fear held me back from diagnosis and treatment.

My recovery began almost by accident, and almost did not happen at all. It actually began during a period of very good mental health. I was happy and stable when I developed a (painful!) kidney stone and went into the emergency room. Because I didn't have insurance, I asked the ER if they had some form of financial assistance. They got me the paperwork to apply for Medicaid, and though it a was taxing and very confusing process, I eventually was placed on a low-income County Health Plan.

Several months later, when I took a nosedive, I called the number of the Community Mental Health program listed in the book of covered services I got from the health plan. After a phone assessment (they assessed me for Bipolar because at the time I suspected I might have that), I was told I was not eligible for services under the plan, and was referred to two other counseling centers for help. I contacted both of those agencies; one told me they did not have a program for my possible condition (bipolar) and the cost at the other one was more than I could afford. I resigned myself to the inevitable: I would probably die from this disease.

Then something wonderful happened. I received a call from a counselor at Community Mental Health Center who had further reviewed my file and found that I was also on the Adult Benefits Waiver program, which entitled me to free services at center. (to this day, I have never received anything stating that I have this program or what it includes. I also don't know whether or not I am actually on Medicaid...the entire program is so confusing and unorganized). I set up an intake interview with this counselor and met with her a few days later. My recovery was about to begin.

That's a long story with one simple point: Though mental illness is more accepted and understood in our world today, access to recovery and services is still difficult and sometimes impossible for some suffering from it.

Which is why today I want to share the petition from "The Walk For Depression" They are attempting to gather signatures from 1 million people to push congress for more acceptance, more research, more services and better access to help.

Obviously, I support this 100%. As of today they have less than 2,000 signatures. In August several volunteers will walk 850 miles to gather more signatures and support. I have added my name to the list and hope that, after reading my story or living your own, you will sign too.

Sign here: http://www.walktowashington.org/sign-the-petition

A Sense of Hope

2010-04-18T14:30:00.004-04:00

Was very heartened to get a comment on my last post from a reader who found my sense of hope "inspiring" and like to see my proactive approach to my condition. (thanks Stacy!) I worry sometimes - especially lately when I have been doing so well and am the closest to recovery that I've ever been - that people will find this blog to be saccharine and superficial. So it is good to hear that people in the world are finding some support and help in it.

When I started writing here in the fall of '09, I had just started my journey to recovery. I had just been diagnosed with BPD, although I has suspected it for a while and had displayed the symptoms for about 5 years. I'd been through so much before then, so much that I never shared anywhere, not even in my personal journals. The only record of those 5 hard years lies in my memory and a few small scars that never fully healed.

But when I started this blog, I was in a dark place again - I had limited functioning in the real world and barely left the house, let alone my bed. At my best times I was numbing my feelings with daily fast food binges and escaping reality with continually watching Grey's Anatomy DVDS; on my worst days I would take extra sleeping pills and a few shots of Vodka to lull myself into painless sleep.

I wanted to die, but knew I couldn't let that happen. The mental image of my family and friends at my funeral was frightening. So my only other option, if I wanted to survive (be it only to protect my loved ones from the pain of my death), was to fight.

So I did - I took that proactive approach; even though it seemed hopeless I did it anyway. I got evaluated and diagnosed. I started seeing my counselor regularly. Even though I had little faith that it would help, going to therapy and group sessions at the mental health center were comforting, they soothed me almost as much as eating or drinking. There were setback, such as the fact that the DBT group in my area was on hiatus. So I bought a DBT workbook and did DBT on my own with guidance from my therapist and discussions with others in group therapy. Often I had to push myself to do things I just didn't feel like doing, like simply leaving my room to go out into the real world. Going to therapy and group was taxing on days when I was simply exhausted, so I had to push myself. And each time I did, it got a little easier. My therapist always seemed so impressed with my ability to work so hard to recover. But she hadn't seen the years I'd spent not recovering. And besides, I didn't have a choice. It was fight or die.

Which brings me to today. I'm not recovered, but I'm better than I've been in years. I'm thinking clearly, making decisions, I'm less emotional and more level headed. I've learned how to deal with some of the major problems that have tripped me up and ruined my life in the past five years. More than that, I have actually written plans on how to deal with them - specific steps and strategies to followed when I feel lonely or scared or someone hurt me.

So overall I welcome the sense of hope that I have now. It's been hard-earned and long awaited. And for years I didn't think it was possible to feel this way. But I know now that was one of the lies that BPD tells you. I know now that there is hope.

I Don't Want this Feeling to go Away

2010-04-14T20:10:00.003-04:00

Lyrics | Jack Johnson lyrics - Upside Down lyrics

This time last year, I was talking daily walks through the woods around my house. Though I wasn't necessarily emotionally healthy, I was pretty happy. I had a lot of opportunities ahead of me and I was hopeful for the future. That was a good feeling.

But it wasn't too long before everything in my world fell apart, and like a person with BPD, I couldn't handle it I fell apart too.

I used to listen to this Jack Johnson song a lot on those walks, especially when I climbed to the top of the nearby hill and looked down at the world. And as I walked that hill today listening to the same song, I realized I feel just as happy and hopeful now, one year later.

But in the past year so much has changed. I've been officially diagnosed with BPD, gone through a year of therapy and finished a DBT course. I have a plan for handling the ups and down of the future that I am looking at, a future that in the past year has gone from hopeful, to nonexistent, to possible once again. And I am looking forward to living the future and continuing to heal from BPD.

Case Closed...

2010-03-30T14:38:00.002-04:00

...at least for now.

Had my last official meeting with my therapist yesterday. Was nervous going there, because I knew March was the time we had decided to review my progress and decide on the next step. Though I have been doing so well, the concept of "leaving" therapy and "going" out into the real world on my own is scare (yes, I realize its not that black-and-white, but sometimes it feels that way).

I was surprised and overjoyed for many reasons. First, she said that I have been doing so well that she couldn't see herself possibly making an argument for continuing my case. Second, when I told her that I indeed did feel much better in the way I was coping with things, she said that that is exactly what she calls the definition of mental health: being able to cope with things. With life. Finally, she stressed that even though my case is closed at the center, I can always call her and come in for a visit or just to talk, without going through the whole process of being evaluated and re-opening a case. I thought that was very kind and put me at ease.

I'm going off prozac and only having occasional tiny bouts of "tearfulness." (which is normal). I am walking out of a 6-month long session of CBT and DBT and group therapy. I am functioning, I would say, about 99% normal right now (we all slip here and there). I go to work everyday, I don't cry myself to sleep or hide in my bed right now, and life - though full of challenges that will come at me full speed in the next few months - seems like a good thing again. The gray-colored glasses that we see the world through when we are depressed have come off and I have clear sight again.

Don't misunderstand: I don't consider myself "cured." I still struggle with some of the aspects of BPD. For example, I still struggle with thinking in mostly black-and-white terms in relationships. I especially do this with men, and I think if I ever decide to have another romantic relationship, I will need to work more on dealing with this. But I've learned to fight against my emotions and control them rather than them controlling me. I've learned the process of thinking more logically. I've learned how to cope with distressing situations - I have several written plans on how to do so.

I think it will be quite a while before I can put BPD behind me and look at it as something I "used to have." Because of that and because I still have so much to learn and say, this blog will go on. But for now, life is stable, and I am happy to report how happy I am to have found the light at the end of my tunnel.

Tired or Sad?

2010-03-23T19:52:00.002-04:00

I cried twice this past weekend. The first time in the shower, I was thinking how much I love everyone in my life and started bawling. Then that night I watched a documentary on 9/11 and of course cried then as well (will every reference to 9/11 make my heart break again and again for the rest of my life?)

I'm not PMSing, but I was pretty tired, so maybe that was just it.

Yet I'm thinking I'm starting to feel the effects of my withdrawl off prozac. Its the second week, and I'm at 80% of my original dosage. I'm already tired off the bitter taste of the pills in orange juice, but glass I have to have less of it every day (I'm using a small medicine syringe to take the liquid). I'll be glad when its over, that is, if I manage to get that far.

The good news? I accepted that my feelings were temporary! I can probably count on one hand the times I've done that in my life. It was a small victory.

Going off Prozac

2010-03-15T22:04:00.002-04:00

Sorry to everyone out there about the lack of updates...life has been so busy lately!

Talked to my Dr. today about getting off of prozac. He said a few months ago that once winter was over I could try it. Now that we've had a few weeks of nice days and the time has changed, I asked again and he said it's ok.

I've talked with my therapist about it too. Given my dedication to doing DBT and success with both that and traditional therapy, she feels it is safe. I've been on it for five years now. Now that I know that I don't have regular depression, and I am not currently in a depressive episode from BPD, I would like to try life without it (and without some of the side effects and hopefully lose some weight in the process!)

I am planning to use the juice method: since I am on 20 mg caplets right now, that means I'll dissolved the contents of the caplet in 10 oz of juice and gradually drink less of it, starting at 9 oz and working my way down. I'll do this for a month then switch to 10 mg caplets, and wean off those.

Has anyone out there weaned off Prozac before? My doctor warned me that it can be an arduous process. He said to be ready for the moodiness that comes from withdrawl, because most people experience this, and then to just be thankful if I don't!

I'm a bit nervous about it, but not too afraid. I know my therapist is there if things get bad. And I know I have friends I can turn too. In fact, I've told my therapist that I know my closest friends will say something if I get in bad shape...and if things get too bad I will go back on it if needed.

I hope, too, that those of you out there that read this, can hold me accountable as well, and if I seem to be getting into a low place, that you will call me on it and tell me to consider talking to my therapist!

Good luck to me...and all of us that struggle with mental illness - there is light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes only a pinprick of light, but it is there...

That Most Brutal of Teachers

2010-02-22T21:19:00.004-05:00

"Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God, do you learn." - C.S. Lewis

Heard this quote a few weeks back watching reruns of Criminal Minds. And my heart heard it today.

Had a great therapy session this afternoon - talked about so much I literally came out shaking and was ready to try tears of relief and victory. We discussed splitting and anger and yesterday's episode of disassociation and whether or not my BPD will ever go away. ) I hope it will...)

But to me, the most important thing we discussed was something that happened a few days ago - someone laughed at me, said something rude and insensitive, and hurt me terribly. Today was the first time I talked about it; I even avoided calling a friend this weekend just because I knew it would come up and I didn't want to deal with it. I wanted to push it out because each time I thought about it, it made me hurt (aside thought: is this why radical acceptance is so important - so we can accept the bad things that have happened to us without hurting each time they pop up in our memory??)

But after spending yesterday in a state of derealization, I began reading the next chapter in my DBT book on interpersonal relationships. And it began by comparing a passive and an aggressive approach to your interactions with others. I checked off about an equal number of things on each list. In some relationships I am overly aggressive when I have to deal with a problem, and I lash out and hurt others and ruin things. In others, I bottle up my frustrations and hurt myself.

My most recent hurt let me see this concept in real life: In this most recent incident, I tried to calmly stand up for myself, and when that didn't work, I shrugged the person off and just walked away. Then I let my anger subside, told myself a coping though and worked out my feelings a few days later talking to my therapist. I could have made a scene, or I could have bottled the anger up inside and ignored it, letting it fester. But I didn't. And I learned that, though I have to work a lot on striking a balance between being too passive and too aggressive in my relationships with others, I am growing.

Hurts like that are brutal, the most brutal of teachers.

But we learn. My God, do we learn.

Blood Boiling

2010-02-21T18:32:00.003-05:00

I never really thought about the phrase "blood boiling" before, until yesterday. Someone said something so offensive and insulting to me that those two words popped into my mind. It was exactly what I was feeling...its how I feel when my anger gets out of control.

I had a choice in that instant - to make a scene or just shrug it off and walk away. I went with the latter, which I think was a good choice. Later, when I tried to rationalize my decision, and why I couldn't say something more to stand up for myself (though a dear friend did stand up for me), I simply accepted the fact that some people are completely ignorant and live in a little cocoon with no desire to learn or understand the world of the people around them. I think that's the closest I've come to radical acceptance so far (though its not truly radical acceptance because that is a judgment, and to radically accept something you just have to view it in neutral terms. But that got me through it.

Though this morning, my blood was boiling again, and this stupid little remark almost ruined my whole day.

But...I don't want to let it....

Paradox

2010-02-20T00:37:00.003-05:00

Lately I have been busy, busy, busy. Working a lot but also working on things for myself (job searching and rewriting my resume, doing some craft/sewing projects, taking an online class, trying to plan a way to give myself a better future). When I'm busy like this, I'm happy. I get doing so much that I forget I have problems, I forget to listen to those little voices inside me that remind me that I am sick and my emotions are out of control...the ones that tell me I'm not good enough. When I'm busy, I feel in control. I feel good enough...in fact I feel great. Even dropping into bed at night exhausted (like today after working for 16 hours) I feel a sense of accomplishment.

But getting myself to that point, to the point where I'm involved in a good life enough to forget the bad stuff, takes a LOT of effort. Mostly getting out of bed, getting ready, going out and facing a world that I hate (until I'm out there in it). And no matter what, no matter how many times I have a good day and remind msyelf I can have more good days, when the time comes to decide to go into the world happily or withdrawal from it, it takes ALL my strength to go out there and live.

I honestly don't know what got me out of bed and to work this morning, but whatever it was, I'm thankful for it. I hope it comes around more often.

A Few Good Books

2010-02-13T19:36:00.007-05:00

Just got back from a vacation...on one day, I went browsing through the psychology section of Barnes and Nobel for BPD books...though I didn't find the two books I was looking for, they did have a decent selection so I got to do a bit of reading. So I'll share some of the books I've read or browsed then and over the years that relate to mental illness and most specifically about BPD:

Get Me Out of Here - One woman's detailed account of what BDP is like - including recovery. This is a great read for anyone who has BPD, knows someone who does, just wants to learn more about the illness, or just wants a good story.

The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook - I realize I "advertise" this book a lot, but its been a big help to me! It has very detailed information and activities to teach you each of the four key DBT skills, including how to regulate your emotions, tolerate stress, be mindful and have effective relationships. It can be a bit heavy on the info at times, so I recommend anyone using it do the lessons in small increments. The activities can be immediately and effectively applied to your own life, and the book begins with setting up emergency plans on how to cope with overwhelming emotions and self-harm which is a great way to begin your recovery from BPD

Sometimes I Act Crazy - One of the first books I read when I suspected I had BPD, its a good introduction to the symptoms. It give detailed descriptions and case studies that help you understand the various aspects of the condition, and although its not set up to guide you through recovery it does offer some good suggestions on practices that are helpful to overcoming aspects of BPD.

Borderline Personality Disorder for Dummies - an all-inclusive book, it describes BPD and the symptoms, gives theories on why people develop this disorder, explains how and where to seek evaluation and treatment and gives a ton of tips on how to deal with BPD if you are a sufferer of a close friend of one.

Working from Home (Sand and the Mindful Mind)

2010-02-03T12:48:00.004-05:00

I've been such a neurotic wreck lately - up and down, in and out of depression, shifting being being ok and being a mess. I don't really know why...I know there have been some small triggers lately, things that have upset me, but it is so minor in comparison to how terrible I am feeling. But, I suppose that's how BPD works - the emotional reaction is disproportionate to the cause. I've noticed another aspect of BPD lately too - the edge of my thumbnails and the bottom on my right foot are very uncomfortable because I have been picking and peeling at the skin on them. This is a self-destructive reaction for me, and I'm never quite sure what causes it...but I know when I am biting my nails and chewing my thumbs...and especially when I am picking at my feet until they bleed and hurt...that I am not in good shape.

Yesterday, I had to force myself to get up and get ready for work when I didn't want to...then my shift got cancelled so I got to stay at home and sleep. Then I had to force myself to get out of bed for my therapy appointment, but that ended up getting cancelled too. I tried to cheer myself up by walking around the dollar store and buying a few things, but I don't know how much it helped. I even indulged in some oatmeal cookies last night! But yet, my nerves were so shot last night I couldn't even enjoy my favorite TV shows. I took some sleeping pills and went to bed, hoping to wake up different, but I didn't. I had nightmares all night and woke up still a nervous wreck, so I chose to skip working and stay in bed all morning (I always feel like Esther at the beginning of The Bell Jar when I do that, and for some reason I find the similarity comforting).

As I lay there in bed, drifting in an out of the same nightmares, two thoughts came into my mind:

My first thought was that I need to work on Mindfulness more. Its the aspect of DBT that I least understand, maybe because I come from a conservative Christian background where meditation seems to be a dirty word and participating in the practice would be considered a treason of the accepted theology. But I have found that even the most open-minded of ministers don't always understand the psychology of the human mind, let alone the illness of the human mind. More importantly, I have learned that it is healthy for me to stop and consider where my mind is wandering, and recognize the thought processes that are detrimental to my health is key to my spiritual and mental well-being....and I am not betraying my God by doing this. And after reading Eat, Pray, Love and seeing the variety of people participating the Ashram that Elizabeth Gilbert went to, I know that I am not the only person like me to seek healing through meditation. So I've decided to learn more about the process, and use it is to better myself, and in those times that my mind is going crazy and telling me I am crazy, I will try to use Mindfulness Meditation to shut it up.

The second thought I had was of sand. More specifically, of a prayer-time practice I once did on a retreat in the Blue Ridge Mountains. We sat with a Tupperware bin full of sand, and used a chopstick to write each of our fears into the sand, then we prayed and allowed God to wipe them away, symbolically wiping them out of the sand. I loved this moment of the retreat - I wanted to get my own box of sand when I got home but I never got around to it. SO this morning I was remembering the sand, and relating it to the mindfulness practice of imagining your distressing thoughts written in the sand on a beach, where the waves come and wash them away. So I decided I wanted to finally get myself a box of sand to keep, and today I am planning on going to the store and doing that.

I kept those thoughts close, clung to them like a security blanket, turned them over and over in my mind like beads on a rosary. They comforted me this morning, and when I finally woke up to the day, I sprung out of bed determined to put them into action.

So today, I'm at home, working on things that will make me better...

Back to Reality

2010-01-28T17:24:00.002-05:00

I haven't written anything this week because I've been off in another world called Dysphoria. But I have returned and my little trip there is helping me understand myself a little better.

It seems to take so little for me to fall apart, and sometimes just the right combination of situations breaks me. This time, it was a combination of getting frustrated with my family, getting mad at people in the world who care more about judging than loving, and being stuck home for a few days with a respiratory infection.

I started last weekend out sick, then once again got so irritated when I had to deal with the crap that comes along with spending time with my family. So I dealt with it by just burying myself in bed, away from the pain and where the antibiotics could start to heal my sick body. But when I got on facebook and read some stupid careless messages from people who should know better, I snapped.

So I spent the first half of my week wandering around in a haze of emptiness.... for a moment or two I wondered why I even bother trying to be a decent person when I'm surrounded by so much hate and stupidity. But even those thoughts faded away as I slipped into complete apathy and quickly became detached from the rest of the world. For two days I skipped work (thankful I could use the infection as an excuse). I hid under the covers and binged on snacks and drive-thru fast food (after losing 5 lbs earlier this month). I numbed myself with endless amounts of TV and DVDs.

But yesterday, I forced myself to get up and go to work. It's only 3 hours, I told myself, so it should be easy. But it was literally one of the hardest things I've ever done. But I did it, grumpy and angry, and got it over with. And I am glad I did, because it brought me back into the real world, and changed me once again into a normal person.

Here's to the girls...with bruises and scars

2010-01-19T18:42:00.002-05:00

Good meeting with my counselor today, but very emotional as I talked a LOT about some of the problems in my life and especially my family that have been gnawing at me lately, and that brought me to the point I was at when I decided to seek therapy in the first place. But every session is a reminder that I'm making good progress - this weekend, when I freaked out, I put into action a plan for dealing with my anger that resulted in...well, nothing. Nothing terrible happened because I got angry...I didn't ruin any relationships or hurt anyone. I went off, did my little distract/relax/cope routine, and my life went on. That's a long way from where I was just six months ago...and I am hopeful, always hopeful, that I'll learn more and be able to handle other overwhelming emotions like fear and stress, and move on even further in my life.

On my way home I was listening to music on my Ipod, but the lyrics from another song ("Anthem" by a fave band called Superchick) kept running through my head at the same time:

Here's to the girls on their boards with bruises and scars
Here's to the girls whose fingers bleed from playin' guitar
Here's to anyone who never quit when things got hard
You'll never let them say "you'll never get that far."

I love Superchick's songs about women being strong, and was thinking of those people - like skaters, guitarist, marathon runners, etc. - who work so hard it hurts to get what they want. Since I want to loose weight this year, I've been exercising so much and pushing myself so hard I've been sore and aching just about every day of 2010...and I've dropped 5 lbs because of it! For so long, I brushed aside exercising (even my favorite - running - after a severe sprained ankle) - because of the "pain". But I realized today the pain is sacred, it part of my progress, and it tells me I want something so bad that I'm sacrificing to get it.

Life is the same way - it hurts. And so does recovery. Sometimes you come home crying from a therapy session from all you unburdened yourself with. Sometimes you mess up and fall back into your old ways, and are left with the scars. But you can't fear that pain. Its part of you. Its sacred. Its the bleeding fingers of the avid guitarist, the shin splints of the Olympic athlete. Its the pain that reminds you what you're working towards, and the scars that will always remind you of where you've been. We have to feel the pain and cherish it as much as we have to never give up.

Today's Freak-Out

2010-01-17T22:20:00.004-05:00

I freaked out today.

I'll spare you the details of the long hard weekend I've had, or how I'm still extremely hormonal even though my period is almost over, and all that happened today. But suffice it to say at one point, I was soooo upset and angry that I totally freaked out.

When the anger comes upon me, it feels like I'm being electrocuted. I can feel it burning through my body, through every blood vessel, through every nerve. The thing I wanted to do most was yell at some people and storm out. If I had done that, my life might have fallen apart yet again.

Instead, I thought about my DBT workbook, and did this: I locked myself in the bathroom, turned on the cold water in the tub, laid on the floor with a nice soft towel for a pillow, and counted backward from 100 by 7s. The whole time thoughts kept popping into my head about how angry I was, how unfair things were, and how I felt, but I just kept focusing on subtracting Its hard for me to do simple mental math because I cannot visualize numbers well, so it kept my mind distracted long enough for my body to calm down. Plus I also have this theory that since the logical part of your brain works with numbers, doing math problems activates this side when you're being illogical (which I am when my emotions take over). I just laid there counting till I got close to zero, not caring about anyone else in the house...then I listened to the water with my eyes closed and before I knew it the burning anger had gone away and told myself "I've gotten through this feeling before, I can get through it again." I emerged from my temporary little cocoon feeling a bit more normal. Maybe I'm not normal or didn't really feel normal, but I was able to go back into the world and function like I was normal.

I'm learning...

BPD, meet my Hormones, you two have a lot in common!

2010-01-15T10:33:00.004-05:00

Maybe its because I'm a teacher and I like cute little graphic organizers like this, but I feel like my emotional life can be summed up in a big Venn Diagram. The pink side A is Borderline Personality Disorder, the blue side B is my hormones and my other lovely diagnosis, Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. The purple area, where they overlap, is just plain hell.

Today is my second day in the purple area. Sorry to all the guys who might be reading this, but today I'm gonna rant about my time-of-the-month problems.

I've had PMDD for years now, and have been on birth control pills for it many times. Because of the side effects I chose to go off the pill, and have only been treating my PMDD with progesterone cream. It helps a bit, for instance with it my cycle is 28 days instead of 32, which means less pre-menstrual days to go crazy. But, like the pill, it doesn't take away all of the symptoms, and some months the main symptoms I have, mood swings and disphoria, are worse than others. After a week of bloating and backaches I started on time yesterday morning - 28 days exactly, which I thought was a good sign. But I have been completely exhausted and out of it since yesterday morning too, and that sucks. Yesterday, I was soooo irritable I got frustrated that I couldn't even find something to do to keep my mind off how irritable I was: I tried reading, writing, painting, watching TV, working out...but each time I started a new activity I just got all angry and quit it. Its irrational, but that's how my mind works when its flooded with hormones.

And even though lately the BPD side has been pretty good (that's why I chose it to be pink in the Venn diagram) last night I got SOOO frustrated and overwhelmed with all the stuff I had to do I felt an emotional attack coming on. (For lack of words, I've decided to coin the term "emotional attack" to describe those times when my emotions take over and my logical brain checks out) I was tired, worn down from my period, and had so much to finish before I could go to bed, even though I was too worked up to go to bed. I am glad that one of my medications makes me sleepy, because once I took it I was able to conk out and sleep and sleep and wake up to a morning when, hopefully, I can watch the anger and chaos of purple fade to calm lavendar.

OMG, I CAN'T Stop...

2010-01-13T18:49:00.003-05:00

Lately, I've been lagging on learning more about DBT skills and completing the exercises and learning experiences in my DBT workbook. I know at some point in the next few day's I'll be pulling a marathon in preperation for my monthly meeting with my therapist next week, so I'll have some progress to tell her about.

But in the meantime, I've been following the show "This Emotional Life" on facebook, and reading the blogs and articles, and this particular one regarding labels caught my attention: http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/blogs/i-am-broken-leg

I could talk quite a bit about how I often think of myself as "I am Borderline" rather than seeing myself as a person with BPD (in fact I recently changed my blog header to better reflect a healthy view of myself), but the part of this article that really jolted me was this:

A lot of times I see clients feeling ambivalent as they get better. “Wow, I feel so much happier” and yet “this feels so weird and uncomfortable…am I still me?” This ambivalence, which is quite normal, can lead people to stop treatment and relapse back into their symptoms. If, however, an individual can see that they happen to have a condition that isn’t who they are, it can be easier to become free from it.

I have been guilty of that ambivalence lately: I know I have gotten a lot better, and 98% of the time I feel pretty damn happy and good inside. In fact, I was supposed to join a DBT group that was finally starting back up in my area this month, but from the progress I've made working through the book, my therapist doesn't think I need too! I am happy that I have done so well. But all the same, I haven't been as dedicated working at my treatment like I should be, because I am not done yet - in fact I am only about halfway through DBT. Though I have learned as lot of great ways to tolerate distress and have become a much more mindful person, I still have to
learn more about emotional regulation and especially how to have healthy relationships. So, although I've come a long way, I'm convicted now that I need to hunker down and really continue to work.

This is especially important because I know that I will most likely be facing a situation soon where I am going to be seeing someone who really hurt me, and I know a relapse could come from that. The events with this person have really been popping into my mind lately, probably because I know what is coming up, so I need to get more focused and use those instances - when I remember what happened and my emotions swell up - to practice my new skills and control myself.

All the same, whether I AM a borderline or I HAVE borderline personality disorder, I am also in recovery...

Joy Comes in the Morning?

2010-01-12T18:27:00.002-05:00

Why am I always in such bad shape in the mornings? I am always angry, or sad, or anxious, or self-deprecating...or all of the above. Everyday it makes me want to crawl back under the covers and hide from the world. But once I get up, and get out into the world...things are usually fine. I find that I am strong, that I am ok, that I can handle my emotions, and that I have value. And for the rest of the day I can usually face just about anything. But all that confidence and stability is somehow sucked away in my sleep...no matter how good of a day I have had, once I wake up the next morning, I feel worthless and scared and angry all over again. And the only thing that can remind me once again of who I really am is the one thing I least want to do - go out and face the world.

This is how I felt this morning, and I chanted my mantra as of late "Get up, show up, do it anyway" on my way to work. And, I truly did have a great day - drove home hanging on a compliment of how I was good at my job. So now I feel as if I can conqueror the world. But tomorrow morning will be another story.

Goodbye pills?

2010-01-11T18:53:00.004-05:00

One of my goals for this year is to get myself healthier so I don't need to take so many medications. Currently, I take meds for asthma, allergies, high blood pressure, acid reflux along with two antidepressants, and I get sick of swallowing all those pills everyday! Now, I am hoping that if I lose weight I can get off the HBP meds. I'll probably always need some allergy/asthma meds, and stomach acidity has been an on/off lifelong issue so a few of those will probably have to stay.

Which brings me to the antidepressants. I am hoping with my recent strides, I can go off prozac altogether, especially because I don't feel it having a huge bearing on wear I am in my emotional health right now. I have been on various doses of it on and off for over 10 years. It started with depression at 19, went on, off, on again. Then, six years ago I went on it for PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder) and since it seemed to help my frequent bouts of depression I have been on it ever since. In that time, my dose has fluctuated between 20 and 60 mg a day. At one point, a therapist told me I might be burnt out on it, and my doctor increased the dosage (which I thought was great since I suspected BPD at the time, and read that higher doses of prozac can help it. But with the higher dose I didn't notice a huge change in mood stability (besides feeling a bit out of it and numb), but I did have the unpleasant side effects of sleepwalking episodes and brief hallucinations upon waking up (the worse - waking up to see about a hundred guns pointed at me). I learned recently that prozac can inhibit REM sleep (hence the sleep episodes) and even though I'm only on a 20 mg dose right now, I wonder how it is effecting my sleep, since in two recent sleep studies I only entered REM sleep once per night (you should have 3-4 REM stages per night). So I talked to my new doctor about it last week, and both he and my therapist are supportive of my kissing prozac goodbye, with the understanding that I will go back on it if the need arises as well as as a few of my good friends to hold me accountable and tell me if I seem to become depressed enough to go back on it. However, since I live in Bleak SnowyWinterTown, my doctor wants me to wait until spring to avoid any dives into Seasonal Affective Disorder. Which is fine with me. I've made more progress in the last 6 months of DBT and one-on-one therapy than I ever have in past six years with Prozac, so I'm happy to wait a few more months to try my life with one less medication in it.

I am also currently on Elavil, which seems like it might stick around for a while. I was on it in the past for insomnia, and am on it again now for chronic headaches which nothing else has been able to treat. Time will tell if it helps the headaches: if so, I will keep it and if not it will be another pill to say goodbye to.

I am fully in favor of taking medication when it is beneficial to our mental health, but I have learned that for some people, like me, simply re-learning how to live can make a huge difference. So maybe, meds aren't for me anymore. We'll see...

My Emotional Life

2010-01-10T12:27:00.003-05:00

Did anyone out there watch the special series "This Emotional Life" on that ran on PBS last week? I happened to stumble across it while searching through my DTV guide and watched about half of the episode on facing fears (which was episode 2 and just happened to be the one that dealt with BPD). I was so excited because so many of the things they were talking about were the exact same things I've been working on or discussing in therapy, like using specific strategies to regulate emotions like fear and anxiety. They even talked about radical acceptance and how, when people looked at their situations objectively and without judgements, their emotions shifted into the positive. They also did an excellent job in explaining the background of different types of therapy, how it has evolved, and why it works in certain situations. I am definitely going have to watch this series again in its entirety (so watch for me to post more on it!), and I recommend it to anyone struggling with emotional health.

Handbook for 2010

2010-01-04T16:27:00.003-05:00

People always say they wish life came with an instruction book. Got this from an email friend today, and couldn't help but notice all the BPD wisdom it had, such as having quiet time everyday and being in charge of your own happiness! They are all good ideas, but I've highlighted some of the ones I really want to work on this year, and challenge you to do the same!

*******************

Handbook for 2010

Health:

1. Drink plenty of water.

2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.

3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.

4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy

5. Make time to pray.

6. Play more games.

7. Read more books than you did in 2009.

8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.

9. Sleep for 7 hours.

10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk, smile.

Personality:

11. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

13. Don't over do. Keep your limits.

14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.

16. Dream more while you are awake.

17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with His/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.

19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.

20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.

21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.

23. Smile and laugh more.

24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

Society:

25. Call your family often.

26. Each day give something good to others.

27. Forgive everyone for everything.

28. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.

29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

30. What other people think of you is none of your business.

31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:

32. Do the right thing!

33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

34. GOD heals everything.

35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

37. The best is yet to come.

38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.

39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

Last but not the least:

40. In this life you find out the only things you have are family and friends: take care of them.

************

Resolutions

2010-01-03T15:02:00.004-05:00

I am home again after two weeks of holiday traveling. It was nice. I got to visit everyone in my family and my 3 closest friends. In all I went to 5 different cities! I'd spend a few days at each and then repack and move on...but I don't see any of them often enough, so it was worth traversing the entire state to spend time with them. And time spent driving in the car just singing along with my favorite songs is always therapeutic for me, so I have come home refreshed (if not rested, I'm rather tired out).

I have several resolutions for the new year. One of course is losing weight. Last year I managed to lose about 15 lbs. That is almost all that I put on in last year's major depressive episode, and although I did gain some back with being ill in the past few months, I am determined to work hard at it. My goal is to lose twice as much this year (30 lbs) and my stretch goal is to lose 5 lbs/month before the summer. I am hopeful. For one thing, over the past few months when I was too sick to do any exercising, I vowed I wouldn't take it for granted and be more committed to working out. So, I am positive that I will have some success.

I've a few other small goals as well: I am going to work on some writing projects, waste less time (mindlessly browsing the internet and facebook are two culprits) and I would really like to start running again.

Of course, I am going to continue working on my recovery. I am completing my DBT workbook and I have already put some of my new skills to use in minor situations. I am hoping this year to make some positive changes in my life and especially my career, and my new abilities in the area of distress tolerance and emotional regulation will be tested. Its frightening, but my mindset it to bring it on - even if I fail I guess it is practice.

Which brings me to my next goal: I'm going to start living. For the past five years, I really feel like I've been asleep in a way - my invisible battle with BPD has kept me from chasing my dreams and doing the things I want in life because fear and sadness always stood in my way. But I am learning how to battle the fear and the sadness, and the anger at myself and the world for my being this way is starting to heal. So I am going to go out there and follow my heart and try some things I want try, and some things I've tried before and failed at. Time will tell how my new found outlook changes my future.

"Feels Like the End of the World, This Sunday Night"

2009-12-20T17:36:00.003-05:00

I'm in a bad mood today. There is no reason. Yesterday I had a great day: I slept in but not too late, worked out, got a lot of paperwork done that I needed to do, did a little light cleaning, and then got myself taco bell for dinner and watched movies all night, then SNL, and I drifted off to sleep very pleased with myself.

But today I just feel empty. Its not for lack of trying. I got up straight away this morning, worked out (I've vowed to be better at doing that) and tried to get myself out and into the day. I did some more cleaning, started packing for the holidays, tried playing my guitar. When all that failed I fell back on my old habit of going for long drives and listening to some soulful music - John Mayer, Jewel, Paul Alan. I thought about calling some friends to chat but just didn't have the motivationI ate two cookies, tried to find a movie to watch on TV. But I still feel....dead.

I hope its just that end-of-the-weekend dreading going back to work (and dreading the stress of the holiday travel ahead of me) blues, and not something more.

QUIET - JOHN MAYER
midnight
lock all the doors
and turn out the lights
feels like the end of the world
this Sunday night

there's not a sound
outside the snow's coming down
and somehow I can't seem to find
the quiet inside my mind

3:02
the space in this room
has turned on me
and all my fears have cornered me here
me and my TV screen

the volume's down
blue lights are dancing around
and still, I can't seem to find
the quiet inside my mind

daylight is climbing the walls
cars start and feet walk the halls
the world awakes and now I am safe
at least by the light of day,
at least by the light of day...

Feeling the Horrible

2009-12-18T16:07:00.008-05:00

Six months ago, I was at rock bottom. I had gone through the tumultuous breakdown of a friendship with someone I cared very much about based on actions they had taken, and was left feeling betrayed and heartbroken. I was so far gone that I barely felt like living. And even though in hindsight I can tell that the situation was in no way the end of the world, my world was at its end at the time.

(Can you recognize the BPD traits of chaotic relationships, emptiness and emotional overreaction in that?)

My friends all tried to make me feel better: one just told me to forget this person, another tried to keep me constantly busy to get my mind off of it. But one friend (one who is now helping me see how to evaluate how I hold up others in my eyes) gave me some of the greatest advice I've ever gotten. She told me "Don't be surprised by the pain....let yourself feel it, and experience it... and only after you have can you truly let yourself heal."

So last night, when I was once again watching reruns of Grey's Anatomy, the following conversation between Meredith and her therapist brought back those words:

Meredith: It makes absolutely no sense to try to be happy in a world that's such a horrible place.

Dr. Wyatt: Yes.

Meredith: What?

Dr. Wyatt:Yes, horrible things do happen. Happiness in the face of all of that... that's not the goal. Feeling the horrible and knowing that you're not gonna die from those feelings, that's goal. And you're not done. You've made progress because you're feeling and you're telling me about it. Six months ago, it would've been just you and a bottle of tequila. My door is always open.

Now that I think about it, it also reminds me of a phrase that I've picked as one of my "coping thoughts" to repeat to myself when I'm really having a breakdown.

My feelings may make me uncomfortable right now, but they are not going to kill me.

Another one of my thoughts: I'm a sensitive person who experiences the world differently and has unique emotional experiences.

I have thoughts like these written in a tiny notebook that I keep with me at all times, along with ways to relax, defect self-destructive behavior, and make good decisions when I'm overwhelmed. Its been a big help to me.

As a person with BPD, I've always been emotional, and a lot of times these emotions have run my life. They've made me who I am, stunted my growth and made me miss out on a lot in life. But I am learning. I am learning how to feel the horrible, know I can survive, and helping myself heal. That's the goal.

"Who Says I Can't Be Free?"

2009-12-16T19:35:00.004-05:00

While doing some research and reading on BPD the other day, I came across this google health article that got me thinking about recovery. As I read the article, hoping to learn more about BPD and use and share that knowledge, I was disenchanted that the only information on this page on the prognosis of the disorder was "Borderline personality disorder has a poor outlook because people often do not comply with treatment."

Call me an optimist (with BPD?!?! Yes, its possible) but I just don't think "poor outlook" is the way to define the condition of me or any of my new-found friends with BPD. I believe there is hope, that we can have faith for brighter futures.

Yes, I am sure that many borderlines don't always follow their treatment plan, but treatment isn't black-and-white. It's not like developing an infection, where you go to the doctor, get some tests, and takes some pills and get better. Treatment takes a long time, its a long hard road. And by the very nature of mental illness, you stop caring very much for yourself and your health, and you do things that are unhealthy for you....its just as easy to skip out on therapy as it is to self injure or withdraw from your loved ones. If you have a physical illness and stop taking your medication, you feel worse and you know you have to take your meds to feel better. But when you have a mental illness, and you're not following treatment, you just don't care - you don't matter, you're health doesn't matter, and you believe the lie that mental illness feeds you that nothing will help you ever feel better. So I'm not surprised that many people with BPD, like with many other mental illnesses, don't always stick with treatment.

But it doesn't make us hopeless, and I know my case is a reason to have faith. I believe I've had BPD for at least 5 years now - I've been in states where I stay in bed for months, I've had periods where I've used food or medication or self-injury to numb my pain. I hit rock bottom six months ago and decided once and for all I wanted to get rid of this. And in those six months of treatment (individual and group therapy along with a DBT workbook) I have already made great strides.

One of the first things my therapist told me is that BPD is a condition that people can learn to treat and live with, and that for some people eventually recover from it completely!!! And I know she was right, because I'm doing better and there is so much research out there showing that recovery is possible:

One of the biggest myths have to do with whether BPD is something that people can recover from. One of these myths is that BPD is incurable. In fact, until several years ago, people thought that once you had BPD, you were stuck with it for life. However, we now know that this is not true, and that BPD actually has a very good prognosis. In fact, recent research suggests that people are more likely to recover from BPD than from bipolar disorder. The second myth related to this idea that BPD is incurable is the idea that BPD is untreatable, and that treatments don’t work for people with this disorder. Just like with the other myth, this is definitely not true. In fact, we now know that people with BPD can make incredible progress in short periods of time when treated with therapies developed specifically for BPD.
-Dr. Alexander L. Chapman (full interview here)

I've been addicted to a new favorite song, "Who Says" by John Mayer, simply because of the following lines, a great reminder for me that no matter what people say, there is hope for me:

Who says I can't be free
From all the things that I used to be?
Rewrite my history,
Who says I can't be free???

Home Sick

2009-12-12T19:55:00.004-05:00

I've been sick for over a month now, and I'm getting so irritated about it that I just need to write a post about it!!

It started 6 weeks ago when I came down with the flu (possibly H1N1). As soon as I knew I had the flu and not just a cold, I called my doctor to get on Tamiflu, since I am asthmatic. My flu symptoms cleared up in a few days, but my shortness of breath and tight chest did not, so I went to urgent are, where the doctor said my asthma was aggravated and put me on prednisone, which helped a bit with the first dose, but soon as I started weaning off of it the symptoms came back. It made me feel really depressed at first too.

After the course of prednisone I was still having the same trouble, so I went to my own doctor, who said you can have asthma symptoms for 4-6 weeks after the flu. Just in case I did have a respiratory infetion, he gave me an antibiotic too. Over the next week or so I started breathing a little better, but still not 100%.

After the course of antibiotics, I was STILL having wheezing and shortness of breath, but had also develop a sore throat and was having some slight hoarseness. Since it was over the Thanksgiving break, I went into urgent care where THIRD doctor told me it was probably just my asthma, and gave me another round of prednisone, this time a higher dose.

Just this past week, I called my doctor to ask for Advair, which has helped a lot with my asthma in the past. I am taking that, but my sore throat had gotten worse and I am losing my voice.

I honestly do not know WHAT is going on with my body right now. I'm not convinced that this is just my asthma - I have moderate asthma - mostly just slight wheezing and prone to respiratory infections. I have NEVER had a problem this bad in the 15 years since I've been diagnosed with asthma!

Between this and the chronic daily headaches I developed several months ago, I am so tired of feeling so sick all the time.

The WORST part of it for me, is that I end up staying home so much of the time, and after six weeks of it I'm starting to get depressed. I try to work when I can. On the upside, being a substitute teacher, I can more or less set my own hours. On the downside, being a subsistute teacher requires a strong voice and quite a bit of energy, neither of which I have right now. So I'm missing out on a lot of work. And sitting at home by myself makes me feel depressed. And knowing that I am missing out on the chance to make money makes me feel more depressed.

I don't know what to do? Go back to my doctor? Go to the E.R.? I need this to end before I start sinking down any further!!

Autobiography (A First Draft)

2009-12-12T12:35:00.007-05:00

My community mental health center is awesome (and having gone through therapy since I was 8, I've been more than my fair share of CMHs!) Besides a great staff, they offer so many wonderful programs, like a walk-in center where people can go to just hang out and even an art therapy group. Best of all, these programs are in place thanks to the efforts of others who have or are still going through recovery for mental health issues. I am hoping to get more involved in things after the holidays wind down (and also the infection I've been fighting for the last month clears up), but I am starting by contributing to the photo-biography project. Published in an annual periodical and/or on display at the center, the biographies, artwork, photos and writings of many clients are shared to show the world that recovery is possible. I am going still taking photographs for mine, but ever the writer, here is what I have written so far:

I saw my first counselor when I was eight years old. Even today, I don’t know why my parents decided to take me to one, but it probably had to do with my shyness, anxieties and trouble fitting in at school. Either way, from that point on I would always be different from the other kids I knew. I had a few friends but had little in common with most kids my age. I went to counseling for years. Then, at 12, I had my first hospitalization after a threat to commit suicide.

Despite my problems, I always thought I had a good life. I had a family who loved me, despite our problems. We went to church regularly and my faith gave me strength that probably saved my life. I was able to attend a small private school which met my needs both academically and emotionally. In the years when depression left me, I had friends and had some great life experiences. But there was always one difference: sometimes I had a happy, perfect life, and other times I would get so depressed I couldn’t go on.

My relationships helped push me toward seeing my problems and recovering from them. I’ve always been a romantic and believer in love at first sight, and I am intensely attached when I fall in love. Breaking up with my high school/college sweetheart after 4 years together sent me into a year-long period of detachment, which ended with a complete breakdown that took a long time to mend. A few years later, I was in a very intense love/hate relationship that left me severely depressed. I found a low-income counselor and spent a year in therapy with her. She helped me analyze and work on many of my issues such abandonment and inappropriate relationships. Yet as I left her and time went by, the depression always came back and went away, sometimes so quickly it was scary. I still knew I was different, that there was something more wrong with me.

One day I was doing internet search on what was bothering me, I ran across the condition “Borderline Personality Disorder.” Reading the symptoms was like looking in a mirror: chaotic relationships, intense anger, impulsivity, rapidly changing moods and even the tendency to self-injure. Deep down I knew this was what I had, yet with no health insurance and a low-paying job, I couldn’t afford to go anywhere for diagnosis or treatment. I also felt embarrassed about going to a doctor and telling them I knew what was wrong – as if I had no right to diagnose myself. So for years I rode the ups and downs, sometimes I insanely happy and then suicidal on the same day. One time I barely got out of bed for two months, and then that episode faded into a happy, upbeat me.

One summer everything changed – after ending a chaotic friendship and facing more family struggles, I was sick of my problems! During that time I was practically living in my bed, feeling hurt all the time. called the Northern Lakes community mental health and I met with my new therapist who immediately saw my symptoms as BPD. In that moment, everything changed. I knew for certain what made me so different, and I was ready to step into recovery.

Like everything in my life, even my recovery seems different. It seems to be happening so fast. I’m seeing my counselor, visiting groups, and working thorough a DBT therapy workbook. I’m rapidly learning how to cope with my emotions and handle the aspects of BPD that affect my life and relationships. That is a good thing, but sometimes it’s scary. I don’t know if BDP will ever leave me, and I have no idea when the symptoms will strike again. But this time something else will be different – I know who I am, and with the new skills I am learning, I will be ready.

"You're Not a Bad Guy"

2009-12-10T23:38:00.004-05:00

Another TV quote today, this time from a rerun of Grey's Anatomy. It is amazing how much BPD wisdom I find in that show!! (well, among other shows I love to watch!) What a great reminder to us that the world is NOT black and white, that our loved ones are not the "bad guys" every time they make a mistake, and most importantly, that we're not "bad guys" when we screw up either!!!

(quote context: George O'Malley is talking to Dr. Bailey after it is found out he cheated on his wife, Callie, with Izzy)

Bailey: O'Malley...look, you're not a bad guy. And I don't mean to let you off the hook entirely, because what you did was unkind and hurtful and wrong. But you're not a bad guy. I'm...I'm just saying, it...it takes two. To reach the point you reached in your marriage, it takes two. I mean...I mean, I'm here late at night, Halloween, helping an earless boy get ears, and my husband wants to act like that isn't an important thing. He wants to act like...it isn't a good thing that I did today. Now that isn't just on me. That's him wanting things to be the way he wants. That's him wanting things to be purely black-and-white. I mean, I missed my son's first Halloween, and my heart is aching inside of my chest, but, you know, that doesn't mean anything. It...it doesn't count because in a black-and-white world, I simply didn't make it home, and that makes me the bad guy. You know, always. I'm always the bad guy. You hear what I'm saying?

George: Sorry you missed your son's first Halloween.

Bailey: Look, what I'm saying to you is...okay, I was there. All right? I was there the day your father died. I was there when you came back from Vegas, married after a week and...all I'm saying is...it's not black-and-white...and you're not a bad guy.

Scars

2009-12-09T22:23:00.004-05:00

A great quote tonight from the TV show Criminal Minds:

"Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going."

Such a great (and true) quote that I don't even have to say much about it: whether it be emotional or physical scars (self-injury being so prominent in BPD), we can look at our scars and remember the painful past that we've had the strength to overcome. Then, we can change our own futures.

Love in Black and White

2009-12-08T11:49:00.006-05:00

Last night I had a bad dream, and it reminded me of who I am.

::begin dream sequence::
I was in the store where I used to work, cleaning up and putting things away as it was closing down. This guy came in talking to me, and it was clear in the dream that we were dating. After work, I drove to my dad's old house, where I was going to also to box things up and put them away (I watched the show Hoarders before bed, so I can see where this came from).

When I got to the house, this guy was in his car in the driveway with another girl, so I drove away feeling very hurt that he had chosen her over me. I came back to the house sometime later - his car was gone so I went inside and went to work. Soon, he came storming into the house with a bouquet of flowers he had picked and told me he was wrong to ever be with her, that I was the one he wanted. The next few scenes were a blur, but it was obvious to dream-me that we were engaged and we were fixing up this house for us to live in.

And all I felt was sadness. I was sad, because I knew I was not in love with this man, and did not want to settle down and get married. But I continued to work on the house, because I knew he was a good man and he loved me. He was so good I could not even tell him that the bunch of flowers he picked for me were lavender - the plant I am most highly allergic to. I woke up with an overwhelming sense of sadness at this dream.

Besides feeling sad when I woke up, I couldn't help but realize how much the dream paralleled who I really am. Like many borderlines, love and relationships for me are chaotic and fueled by my emotions. When I meet someone, if there is a spark I fall madly in love. If there is no spark, there is very little chance that I will ever be able to feel anything for the person. I haven't dated in three years because I've only felt for one person during that time, and even if he had felt the same way towards me I knew it would have been an unhealthy relationship to pursue. And as much as I would love to find someone to share my time with, I know that unless it just happens to be one of the rare fish in the sea that I fall in love with, I am afraid that I am doomed to feel as I felt in my dream - stuck in a relationship where I am not in love.

Like many relationships in the BPD world, love is black and white for me - all or nothing. And I don't know how to cope with that, or if I will ever learn how.

Somedays I Freak Out

2009-12-07T19:26:00.003-05:00

Yeah...so...somedays I just completely lose it. I came close today. Outwardly I held it together but inside I was a mess. I've been sick for over a month now (asthma complications from the flu) and am not getting better and I'm so frustrated because not only does it feel so uncomfortable to breathe everyday, but I also have this raspy voice that I have to force out (when I am normally a loud person). And working in a room full of 5 year olds all day long wore my voice, as well as my patience, thin. And everything that could go wrong today, did. I was worried about some financial problems. My hormones began their monthly freakout. The clothes I decided looked okay on me at home looked weird when I got to work. The roads were not plowed on my way to work and I straggled in 3 minutes before my starting time. The sidewalk had not been shoveled at work (at 11:50 am? really?) and I had to walk through the snow and get cold wet feet. So by the time I got home today I was feeling scattered and freaked out.

I thought about using some of my mindfullness and coping exercises to ease my craziness. In a way, I did - as soon as I got home I ate a big bowl of mashed potatoes. It did help me feel better, but since emotional eating is not a healthy coping strategy for me I suppose I should have turned to something else to calm me down. In fact, I just may go sit in my chair and listen to one of the mindfulness exercises I have recorded on my MP3 (from The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook). Last time, it worked well, and made me feel a lot better. Actually, now that I think about it, writing here in my blog has helped me feel better too, and its a positive coping strategy. Yay me!!!

One last thought...as I was driving home, I remembered how many times I've freaked out over finances - overdrawn bank accounts, late rent, etc. When it happens, I almost always go into emotional overdrive - I began to cry and worry and lose focus and try to get someone else to fix the problem for me. But I thought about how ineffective I am at solving the problem when I'm in freakout mode. Even if the bank's closed for the day or I can't pay my bill, letting myself get so worked up I get physically ill doesn't help anyone. So I am hoping that , in the future - as I become more fiscally responsible - I can use my new emotional regulation skills to handle my financial ups and downs without detriment to my mental health.

The Face of BPD - Part 9 of 9

2009-12-06T19:02:00.004-05:00

Part 9 of my nine part series of what the diagnostic criteria (symptoms) of BPD look like in my own life.

Criteria 9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

I have felt completely out of it today. More than just feeling tired, I feel sort of empty and disconnected, unable to focus. So although I don't know how well I'll be able to gather information and write on dissociation, I'm going to try anyway.

I've avoided writing on this last part of BPD because I don't fully understand it, nor do I know that it applies to me. In sitting down and doing some research, however, I think that I do perhaps show some mild symptoms of dissociation and paranoia. For example, while reading the following web site, I came across the following definition:

Dissociation may affect a person subjectively in the form of “made” thoughts, feelings, and actions. These are thoughts or emotions seemingly coming out of nowhere, or finding oneself carrying out an action as if it were controlled by a force other than oneself (Dell, 2001). Typically, a person feels “taken over” by an emotion that does not seem to makes sense at the time. Feeling suddenly, unbearably sad, without an apparent reason, and then having the sadness leave in much the same manner as it came, is an example.Or someone may find himself or herself doing something that they would not normally do but unable to stop themselves, almost as if they are being compelled to do it. This is sometimes described as the experience of being a “passenger” in one’s body, rather than the driver.

How many instances I've recounted where I feel "controlled" by my emotions, and how often do I do things out of the ordinary when my feelings are at the wheel!? And as I think about it, these instances are sparked by stress.

I wonder about my own paranoid thoughts. I've seen the most tragic depths of paranoia - people who so fear the world that it has cost them their lives. Obviously, I am lucky to not struggle with such an issue, but I wonder if my intense and constant self-consciousness, my feeling that someone can see all the silly and stupid things I do, is a form of paranoia in itself.

And I wonder too, how much effect my growing ability to regulate my emotions and deal with stress will have on any dissociative symptoms I have displayed (and I'm sure there have been many, since I strongly suspect that I've had BPD for five years now).

So, as I continue to recover and learn about myself and my condition, I am sure I will learn more about this aspect of it. In the meantime, if anyone out there has stories or information on their own dissociation or paranoia (or that of someone you know), I would love to hear the stories.

full list of BPD criteria here

Good Choice Day

2009-12-02T16:45:00.003-05:00

So I was so excited about writing a little series of posts about all of my BPD symptoms, then about halfway through I ran out of steam and just got irritated with doing it. Besides, the last entry deals with dysphoria and psychosis and I don't even want to think about that, so I'm gonna go against my perfectionist nature of doing everything by the book, and just write today.

Today I made a good choice. I went to work. That may seem like a small thing, but for me it is still a struggle (even though my therapist tells me I've come so far in recovery)

I probably have the worst job for someone who has BPD - I' m a substitute teacher, so I'm on call all the time. Its so easy just to not answer the phone or check the Internet site to accept a work assignment for the day. With a "normal" job the accountability of a boss and coworkers would probably keep me there everyday, but in my job there is no one to know whether I simply wasn't available to work that day, or if I am really just hiding. Even when I know I need the money and I know I need to be out of the house working, the temptation to either stay at home all alone or just curl up in bed all day is so great, and so many times it overcomes me.

Last night, I dreamt of someone who hurt me terribly and who I do not talk to anymore. In fact, I had two dreams about this person. So I woke up feeling raw and slightly angry. All day I've just tried to put it out of my head and think about something else, but it made me not want to go to work. But I am glad I did - my job this afternoon was easy and even a little bit fun.

So, I'm calling today Good Choice Day.

The Face of BPD - Part 8 of 9

2009-12-01T17:04:00.005-05:00

Part 8 of my nine part series of what the diagnostic criteria (symptoms) of BPD look like in my own life.

(I am ready to finish up this series and write more about my day to day life!!!) :-)

Criteria 8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

If you look at me or have just gotten to know me, you would never peg me as someone with an anger issue. My outward personality tends to be happy-go-lucky and I am a bit on the shy and quiet side. I love working with children, Victorian decorating, and playing in the snow. I seem to be the polar opposite of what an angry person would be like.

But the right combination of factors can set me off. When you put together situations that I am especially sensitive to (like cheating in relationships or lying to a friend), a recent line of stressors, and physical difficulties (being tired or having PMS), the mixture can be brutal.

These are the times when I don't have anger issues, anger issues have me. I'm completely controlled by my emotions, and even hurt, betrayal, sadness or loss can manifest itself as my default emotion, anger. In fact, my anger is so prevalent that I can wake up in the morning and with no outside reminder or trigger, remember something that happened months or years ago that made me angry, and I'll be seething all day long.

My anger is exactly who the DSM describe it for borderlines. The intensity can be unreal - at times its feels like my entire body is being electrocuted and I can't stop shaking. My mind thinks of nothing but how angry I am, and what I need to do to stop this terrible feeling. But all too often, the anger really is inappropriate. The wrong that's been done to me might not even be real, it may just be something I've assumed someone had done. Or it might be a small mistake or issue that my mind has blown completely out of proportion. The amount of anger I had is disproportionately larger than whatever has happened. But at these times, I lose it, and as I result I lash out - either at myself or another person, if they are involved. Either way, the end result is the same: me and possibly someone else get hurt. I either have an argument with someone (in which I say the most uncharacteristic things) which hurts my relationship with the person and might even hurt the person themselves. Either that, or I end up withdrawing from others and doing something that will hurt myself (such as self-injury).

Its been about 4 months since I've had a big, blown-out anger attack, yet I've had so many throughout my life, and they've shaped who I am today. As I work my way through DBT and learn how to regulate my emotions and tolerate stress, I know that the little skills that are helping me to deal with little moments of stress, irritation, or sadness will be ingrained in me when another big issue strikes me again. But the next time, for the first time, I will be ready.

full list of BPD criteria here

The Face of BPD - Part 7 of 9

2009-11-30T12:20:00.001-05:00

Part 7 of my nine part series of what the diagnostic criteria (symptoms) of BPD look like in my own life.

(got very frustrated the last time I wrote this...my computer locked up and lost the entire entry and I started to struggle with overwhelming anger...but I calmed myself, got through it, and now will try again...)

Criteria 7. chronic feelings of emptiness

Probably the most self-explanatory of all of my symptoms, but, luckily, one that doesn't bother me all that much.

However, I do struggle with it. SO many times in my life, especially when things are bad or I'm going through a depressive episode, I wonder: what's the point? Why bother loving someone if you are just going to lose them, if they are just going to hurt or leave you? Why bother chasing dreams if you just feel unfulfilled all the time anyway (and so often I feel unfulfilled)? Why bother living when it doesn't feel worth it.

Because I can be so up and down, the emptiness creeps in mostly during the down times, but it can spill into the good times too. I try so hard to fight it when it comes around, remembering what the good times were like - those times when life was worth it. But its hard. Sometimes the memories of a worthwhile life just don't feel like they are enough to sustain me. Sometimes all I can do is accept that I feel lost and empty inside, and hope and pray that someday it will pass (so far, it always has). But then again, I have never thought that happiness is something that should be forced on those who struggle with depression. Sometimes, its enough just to press on...then to press on again....until the sun shines and happiness finds us again.

The Face of BPD - Part 6 of 9

2009-11-24T22:25:00.006-05:00

Part 6 of my nine part series of what the diagnostic criteria (symptoms) of BPD look like in my own life.

Criteria 6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

This one is pretty self-explanatory, but to put it in simpler terms, I would basically call it intense bad emotional states that come on suddenly (often with little or no outside provocation) and go away just as quickly.

My periods of depression were just as described in this definition: I'd be doing great and all of a sudden slip deeply into terribly intense sadness. Sometimes there was a clearly obvious trigger: one time, when learning of the wedding of a guy I used to date, I went very suddenly into a spell of depression that lasted an entire summer. In that episode, I became despondent, detached, lost interest in things I loved, and had such as hard time functioning that I ignored several important life decisions that made a serious impact on my future. Often times, however, there were no obvious causes. Perhaps a series of tiny setbacks sparked my fall, but I will never know for sure.

The really bad depression came in episodes that lasted for several months, but an equally detrimental and just as common, symptom of my BPD was the intense rushes of depression on anxiety that came on suddenly, lasted a few hours, then went away. I could wake up feeling on top of the world and in love with life, then one small – even unimportant – setback could spark me into feeling so depressed I felt suicidal.

“Reactivity of mood” is one of the aspects I am learning to deal with, and having some small successes. In working with my therapist as well as my DBT workbook, I am learning how to be more mindful and aware of what I am thinking. I’ve found that, as a daydreamer, my mind often wanders onto thoughts that make me feel bad – such something a person said or did that hurt me, or frustrating situations in my career life. When I think about those things, I have an emotional reaction. An my emotions, like that of most borderlines, can race out of control in a matter of seconds.

I shared an example of this with my therapist today, recounting a situation in which I was thinking about having to cancel plans with a friend and ended up feeling angry and frustrated with her because I felt that she didn’t understand or care about me. But one of the beauties of DBT is learning two key skills: distress tolerance and emotional regulation. I’m not there yet, but knowing some of these skills helped keep me from lashing out at my friend or feeling much worse than I did.

So, like many with BPD, I have found hope. I know that recovery is possible. I am the proof.

full list of BPD criteria here

The Face of BPD - Part 5 of 9

2009-11-07T14:27:00.007-05:00

Part 5 of my nine part series of what the diagnostic criteria (symptoms) of BPD look like in my own life.

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING POST MAY BE TRIGGERING TO PEOPLE WHO SELF INJURE. PLEASE DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU ARE IN A SAFE PLACE AND HAVE A METHOD TO COPE WITH S.I. URGES (SEE THE LINKS ON THE RIGHT FOR MORE INFORMATION)

Criterion #5: recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

I often question whether I am or have ever been suicidal because I have never made an actual suicide attempt. But I have felt that I wanted to cease living. When I was twelve I told someone I would kill myself, but I wasn't actually planning any way to do it. I've had the urge to crash my car into a tree while driving as well the strong desire to cut my wrists and watch them bleed, but I have never even started doing either of those things. I've checked myself into the emergency room several times saying I wanted to kill myself, but in retrospect I really only wanted to die and wasn't actually planning a method of suicide. I've wished I was never born, and I've prayed to God to take my life because I couldn't do it myself. Are all these things considered suicidal? I'm not sure...

But I have been a self-injurer for a while now. It started about five years ago, in the middle of an intense depression brought on by the end of a chaotic relationship. I had heard of cutting and self-injury, had known a few people who had done it. Randomly, in the middle of some of the most intense emotional pain I had ever felt, I self-injured for the first time. Crying on my bathroom floor, I lit a match, let it burn for a moment, then blew it out and stuck it into my upper arm. The release I felt and the rush of endorephins was compelely new to me. I injured a few more times, leaving severel small burns on my upper arms and thighs, then covered them with neosporin and band-aids to prevent scars. Although this may seem small in comparison with some self-injury stories, it was my entry into the world of S.I.

I suppose there were other signs in my life as well. Some have said that biting your cuticles or picking at scabs is a form of self injury. Throughout my life I have done both. A close observer could tell when I am really stressed by examining my hands: I will pick and chew at the edges of my thumbs until they are raw and bleeding. I have a hard time not touching or playing with pimples or small cuts and often develop tiny scars from this. And I've had several phases in my life where I pull the skin off the bottom of my feel (often using nail clippers or blades) until my soles are raw, sore and often bleeding.

Most recently I have dealt with my urges to self-injury by using replacement activities or distraction/relaxation techniques to help me avoid hurting myself. The book I am working on, The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook, as many great ideas for this. You can also find some here.

full list of BPD criteria here

To Write Love on Her Arms

2009-10-28T20:12:00.004-04:00

I'm taking a break from my writing on my BPD symptoms to share the To Write Love on Her Arms movement with you. If you are not familiar with it, please click here to read the amazing story of how this program started. I think it is a phenomenal way to raise awareness and end stigma of depression, self-injury, and mental illness in general.

November 13th is "To Write Love on Her Arms" Day, so I encourage you to learn more about this movement and support it by simply writing LOVE on your own arm that day, supporting those you love with mental illness, and sharing this story with others.

The Face of BPD (part 4 of 9)

2009-10-26T12:17:00.003-04:00

Part 4 of my nine part series of what the diagnostic criteria (symptoms) of BPD look like in my own life.

Criterion #4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

This criterion/symptom to me was easy to confuse with bi-polar disorder. In fact, when I first contacted the mental health center for an assessment, I told them I thought I might be bi-polar, even though in the back of my mind I knew it was in fact probably BPD. I felt validated the first day I visited my therapist and she said that's what it was.

Anyway, this is short and sweet: my impulsive areas are binge eating, substance abuse, and occasionally, spending.

Binge eating has been a problem for me because I am an emotional eater. When my feelings take control and I can't feel better, I eat to numb the pain, and the more food I can enjoy the better I feel. My favorite food to soothe myself with is fast food. I think it is because I don't have to do any work to prepare it and driving in my car while listening to music to go get it is also soothing to me. I think the biggest emotional meal I ever ate was a super size double cheeseburger meal with two apple pies from McDonald's. In my memory, I think I may have continued to eat food from the refrigerator after finishing this meal. Needless to say, in the past five years or so (coincidentally the same amount of time I can recognized symptoms of BPD) I have gained a significant amount of weight from binge eating.

One of my new year's resolutions this year (before I knew about the BPD) was to try to control my emotional eating. I have had some success with it. I have often tried to replace eating with other activities such as exercising or reading. However, I am not totally in the clear. I still binge eat occasionally when things are really bad, and its harder to avoid when I actually am hungry. But by admitting it is a problem and watching out for it, I have cut down on the times I binge and have even lost 17 pounds this year - another new year's resolution met!

Another area of impusivity is substance abuse. When I tell my therapist and others that is not really a problem or addition I feel they think I'm a typical user denying the problem, but I'm telling the truth. I'm not addicted and I don't have a problem with drugs or alcohol. In fact, as of today, its been over a month since I've even had a drop to drink. The only time I've ever used anything is in those really really bad episodes where I just can't deal with the pain. In those times, it seems that the only option is to either self-medicate or to self-injure. I chose the former since it seems (for me since I don't have an addiction) to be the safest. And in those moments the usage is pretty tame: I have a few drinks until I'm just tipsy enough to fall asleep without thinking of my pain or my problems, or I take one leftover prescription painkiller to knock me out. Though its never gotten to the point of me being an alcoholic or taking anything illegal, I know the impuslivity of it is the problem, the link to BPD.

Occasionally I do go on a spending spree, but this is very rare for me. The most recent example was this summer, when I all of a sudden took the notion that I had to have a new MP3 player. I had thought about getting a new one for a while, and planned to do some research on which would be the best choice for me and my budget. But one day, when I had first started to fall into an episode, I suddenly decided I needed one now and drove 1/2 hour to the store and bought one after 5 minutes of decision. Impulsive, yes...though not bad enough for me to worry too much about my impulsive spending.

It is my hope that, now that I am learning distress tolerance and emotional regulation through DBT therapy, that I will learn to turn to these new skills rather than to eat, drink, or spend to make myself feel better.

full list of BPD criteria here

The Face of BPD (part 3 of 9)

2009-10-25T20:36:00.005-04:00

Part 3 of my nine part series of what the diagnostic criteria (symptoms) of BPD look like in my own life.

Criteria #3:Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

I think many people learning about BPD might have a hard time understanding exactly what it means to have identity distrubance or an unstable self-image. I can give you lists of definitions or my own interpretation, but the best evidence I have is what it looks like in my own case. This involves my own personal sense of self, my life choices

My sense of who I am often changes. Like my moods, my feelings about who I am range from being a good person to a bad influence, from a happy over-achiever to a worthless loser. I might view myself in terms of being a family-oriented individual, then soon my focus shifts on how I want to succeed in my chosen career. My interests change as well, and I go through phases of what I enjoy doing the most. For several months I might be addicted to jogging; the next, knitting. It is hard for me to fill out "about me" surveys because who I think I am changes so often.

A large part of who we are deals with what we do with our life. My own life goals and career choices change so often, and have changed so often over the course of my life, that I am left feeling lost, floating on a sea of possibliities. In college I changed my major, quit, took a variety of exploratory courses, reenrolled in college, and changed my major again. Since graduation I have worked at a new job at least every year (sometimes several at a time). My career goals over the years of my adult life have included doctor, journalist, public relations, advertising, publishing or editing, teacher, nurse, pharmasist, legal aide, and social worker. Even today I am between jobs and looking to make a career change, yet every time I think I am sure I want to do one thing, I end up interested in another and change my direction altogether.

Very often, I feel like the character of Esther in Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar:

I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.

Long before I was diagnosed with BPD, I noticed another peculiar aspect of the condition. The way I acted and felt about myself often changed depending on who I was around. If I around a person who I felt comfortable with, I am self-confident, laid back and fun. If I'm sure if the person likes me or think they might be judging me, I am extremely nervous, anxious and feel like I'm worthless. Around outgoing people I tend to be vibrant and extroverted; around reserved individuals I become reserved myself.

As my sense of identity continues to shift, I am hoping that I can discover more about myself through therapy and eventually come to a more stable idea of who I am.

full list of BPD criteria here

The Face of BPD (part 2 of 9)

2009-10-23T00:16:00.005-04:00

Part 2 of my nine part series of what the diagnostic criteria (symptoms) of BPD look like in my own life.

Diagnostic Criteria #2: a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

This one of the most recognizable aspects of BPD. It involves others who in turn notice the problem, and it is also such a chaotic and detremental part of one's life that it is hard to overlook.

In my own exploration and eventual diagnosis, the symptoms of chaotic relationship and "splitting" were impossible to miss. I could write on specific situations for hours, but will limit this post to a few key examples. Most of the following deal with romantic relationships, because I tend to have more unstable interactions with men than with other women, whether it be a boyfriend or just a guy friend (I will touch on this later in this post)

One of the first problems I noticed is a tendency to get attached to a person very quickly and be unable to detach from them. Many people with BPD report that they fall in love easily and quickly. This is true for me. I am extremely picky when it comes to dating, but when I do find myself having even a slight attraction to somebody, it spirals quickly into love and slight obsession. I used to see this at just being a romantic and believing in "love at first sight" but I know now that it is a part of my BPD.

Similarly, once I became emotionally attached to a person it is very hard to let them go by either ending the relationship or ceasing to be friends. Because I become attached so very quickly to the person I have overlooked vital flaws or intense differences in our personalities or values, which means I often care very deeply for a person with whom I am incompatible. The relationship is doomed from the beginning, though I fail to see it because I am so lovestruck. Intense disappointment and passionate fighting almost always follow, and the breakup or movement away from the person entitles a very intense grieving process. Hurt, sadness, anger, disappointment, and lack of confidence violently combine when a relationship ends for me, leading to intense periods of depression.

Unfortunately, chaos is a theme in every one of my past romantic relationships. Dramas run the gamut from intense jealously over a the other person's activities to making demands that were impossible to meet. I've often questioned whether I subconsciously create some of the dramas to keep the relationship interesting or make it feel more alive, and I think this is sometimes the case for me. However, I know that most of the turmoil in the relationship comes from the aspect of splitting.

Splitting was a complicated concept for me to understand at first, but most simply defined it is a very quick and often frequent cycle of love (idealization) and hate (devaluation) in a relationship. I see it clearly in my past relationships. For example, I once met and fell very much in love (quickly) with a guy I had met at bible study I was attending. We shared a similar faith and as I grew to like him, I placed him high on a pedestal based on the comments he had made about his beliefs and values. To me, he was good, one of the nicest men I had ever met with no serious flaws. However, once we began dating I saw that, outside of a "religious" setting, he was a very different person. It did not take long for me to drag him off the pedestal and into the realm of my hatred. In my mind, he was an evil person and I began fighting with him based on the issues I took with him. Eventually, we would work out the issues or I would see another part of him that shifted him back into my good graces. That cycle continued many times over the course of both our dating relationship and our friendship, until eventually the whole thing ended with a large fight and I spiraled into a depressive episode that took a lot of effort to overcome.

The psychological basis of splitting involves several theories I don't fully understand, and as I work through the process in therapy I hope to learn why I have developed the tendency to think in the black and white terms of splitting. I have also been exploring the reasons that almost ever example of splitting in my life involves men and not women. Some possible reasons I see for this might involve growing up in an all-female household, damage from seeing and experiencing sexual harassment during my teen years, or a very unhealthy love relationship early in my dating life.

However, regardless of the reasons, being aware that I "split" and knowing the signs of it will be helpful to me. In the future, I can recognize that I fall in love too easily and use my developing skills to control my thoughts and emotions to develop healthier relationships. I can distinguish flaws or personality aspects that I can live with in a relationship to those that make me incompatible with a guy. I can also now recognize the precursors for splitting and try to avoid the quick changeover from love to hate or from good to evil.

full list of BPD criteria here

The Face of BPD (part 1 of 9)

2009-10-21T19:10:00.005-04:00

Today I am starting this nine part series of what the diagnostic criteria (symptoms) of BPD look like in my own life. When I was first learning about BPD, simply reading the criteria didn't really give me a glimpse of what it was like living with the symptoms of BPD disorder on a daily basis, so I am hoping my description can help others describe their symptoms to their mental health provider.

Criterion 1: frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. (does not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5) full list of criteria here

Although this is the first on the DSM-IV's list of criteria (what I think of as symptoms) of BPD, it was definitely not one that I recognized right away. But as I dig deeper, I am seeing this to be one of the more subtle aspects of my condition, one I've dealt with overcoming before.

As a child, I suffered with separation anxieties. Leaving my home, my family, and especially my mother were extremely difficult. Even as an older child, going to school was often traumatic. Sleepovers often ended with me walking home from the friend's house in the middle of the night or my parents being called to come and get me. I suffered through the first several days of the week-long summer camp I went to every year (to the point of being physically sick and visiting the camp nurse). Even vacations with my entire family resulted in intense periods of homesickness that would leave me sick to my stomach. Even today, in my 30s, moving to a new place or starting a new job can be extremely traumatic for me.

As an adult, I can see these episodes as the beginning of abandonment issues. I'm not quite sure where they've come from, though I've spent time in the past working of some of the aspects of the attachment issues I've had with my parents. I know I still have work to do there, and perhaps one day I will figure it all out.

I think, too, that part of my often chaotic relationships are tied up in abandonment issues. In the last chaotic friendship that really effected my life, I had to have the last word. I had to be the one that said the final straw that ended the friendship. I couldn't just let go, couldn't walk away, though I knew deep down that the relationship was doomed and I was even better off without it. I wasn't seeing this person on a daily basis, so I could have just let go and ended it there. Instead, I chose to push my friendship unto to this person - and then I dug and dug until I had enough dirt on the way they were hurting others that I could finally have it out with them, tell them off, and FORCE THEM to walk away from me. In this way, I think I felt that I wasn't abandoned. It was me frantically taking control of the situation to avoid abandonment.

full list of BPD criteria here

The Illusion of Fine

2009-10-17T21:27:00.003-04:00

Right now, in this little moment, I am fine. I am stable. No anxiety, no panics, no distress. I'm confident in my future - my ability to find a good job, to find some purpose in my life, to move on and become who I want to be. And its nice being fine - it gives me a heady feeling of comfort. But I know all to well that fineness can be an illusion.

For someone with BPD, emotions change quickly, often for no reason. The smallest occurrence, remark, or setback and send one quite literally into the depths of dis pair. I know, and recognize, this part of my condition. So although I'm enjoying the fineness, I know of its transience and am planning how to react when it is gone.

Just six months ago, I was fine. In fact, I was more than fine, I was on top of the world. I was beyond happy, confident, working hard and planning. I was confident in the future, looking forward to what life had for me, and had no idea what hell laid ahead. I was happy, yet it took only a few weeks, a few small situations and a few inconsequential people, to topple me. And once I fell, it took me months to get back up.

So now, today, I'm fine. But I know it will not last. So I continue to learn about the skills I will need when I fall again, when I am not fine. I'm practicing distress tolerance now, in little situations that ignite my emotions, like having a mistaken credit card charge. That way, when the big things come, when someone betrays me or breaks my heart again, or I lose something I worked so hard for, I will be ready. Ready to take those three steps to dealing with stress: Distract, Relax and Cope.

I'm glad to be fine, and I don't always think its an illusion in and of itself. But we set ourselves up for failure if we become so lulled by our fineness that we think out problems are over, that we've completely and forever healed, and that we'll never have another episode again. That's when we buy into the illusion that fineness sets up for us, and we let down our guard and fall.

Right now I'm fine, but next time I fall, I think I'll be ready.

Some Thoughts from My Little Notebook

2009-10-11T20:45:00.005-04:00

I keep a small notebook in my purse right now - so that it will always be with me - with lists of things I have been learning about dealing with stress, tolerating crises, and coping. Most of these come from The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook, with some being slightly modified by me. Since I've been both busy and under the weather this week and haven't blogged or written much, they'll make for an easy share today:

FAVORITE COPING THOUGHTS

My feelings make me uncomfortable right now, but I can accept them
I've survived other situations like this before, and I'll survive this one too.
I can take all the time I need right now to let go and relax
My thoughts don't control my life, I do. I can think different thoughts if I want to.
My anxiety/fear/sadness/anger won't kill me, it just doesn't feel very good right now
There are just my feelings and eventually they'll go away.
I can only control myself and my feelings.
I can't control how others act, but I can control how I react to others

FAVORITE SELF-AFFIRMING STATEMENTS

I'm a sensitive person who experiences the world differently and who has rich emotional experiences (I love that one - its so true for me)
I'm good, and nobody's perfect
Even though bad things have happened and I've made mistakes, I am still a good person
There's a purpose to my life, even though I might not always see it.

We Can Mend

2009-10-10T04:45:00.003-04:00

I love Grey's Anatomy. Not for the drama, or even for the medicine (although I am a science buff), but for the simple fact that it makes me feel not so alone. Meredith, Izzy, Cristina...they all as neurotic as I am. And watching them gives me company in my chaos and strength to face my own problems.

I recently went through a tumultuous relationship and I had to spend several months in the process of mending. It seemed impossible. I fell worse than Meredith, and I never thought I would feel better again. But as time goes by and I learn how to cope, the pain has lessened. So as I was watching an old episode tonight I saw Bailey say to Derek, after he left Meredith:

"No she's not [ok]. She’s a human traffic accident and everybody is slowing down to look at the wreckage. She’s doing the best she can with what she has left. Look, I know you can’t see this because you’re in it but you can’t help her now. It’ll only make it worse. Walk away. Leave her to mend."

That was me, the human traffic accident. I didn't even know I was mending - at the time I was trying to survive. Getting out of bed just to get something to eat and crawl back into the darkness. Surviving. Knowing those around me knew I was stranded in my loneliness, just feeling the hurt and letting it be real to me. Letting the situation soak in, and learning how to cope so I could deal with it.

I hurt so much after I lost this person, and wanted nothing more than for them to come back into my life, apologize, accept my apology, and make me feel better. That was the fantasy. But the reality was different. We both said and did things that did irreparable damage, and though I would give anything to fix it, the other party did not feel the same way. That was the reality. And by being left, as hard as it was and as long as it took, I could mend. And even though I couldn't "see it" because I was "in it," mending was possible.

In another episode Meredith told Derek:

"I'm all glued back together now. I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke."

She was talking about the relationships she had that helped her get over McDreamy...I, on the other hand, had to make tough decisions to get myself back up. People knew about my struggle but were helpless to lend me a hand. And I even had to heartbreakingly stand up for what I believed in, all alone, when it was the hardest thing in the world and would make me lose all I thought I had. But in time, I got glued back together. I did what I had to do to survive, then fix. That's reality - that's radical acceptance in a nutshell. I make no apologies. Meredith got glued back together. I can to. Mending is possible. We can mend.

Working Girl

2009-10-01T17:38:00.004-04:00

Working is hard when you are in the middle of a depressive episode. Luckily, I had vacation time scheduled right as my latest one started, so the days when I couldn't get out of bed didn't interfere with my life. And I am blessed now to be at a very flexible on-call job where I don't have to work everyday and can turn down a day's work if I need to. But that flexibility makes it harder...its hard enough to get up out of bed on these cold fall mornings and get myself going under normal circumstances, but when I wake up feeling tired or depressed or angry it takes everything in me to get up and get to work.

We are not safe from our emotions anywhere - and work is no exception. For me, anger strikes in the most unusual of places and kicks me when I'm down (I, who's default emotion is anger in most every situation, and who rarely expresses it but buries it inside, making for more hurt and even bigger blow-ups when the explosions come). So today, my anger crept up on me at work, in a short 10-minutes of downtime. Its like a sports car - 0 to 60 in a matter of seconds. One moment I am find, the next filled with anger and hurt...and today I felt hurt knowing that the person who hurt me most recently is out there, going on with their life as if they didn't break me into a million pieces...and on the way to breaking someone else again, perhaps at that very moment I was sitting at work, in my chair, just trying to get through the day.

So today I was thankful for the notebook I've been keeping - the one I've filled with coping thoughts and self-affirming statements, and quotes from my favorite TV shows and music. I just read them over and over and over until the short break I had passed, and even wrote down a new quote I had heard a few days ago in a song. And I was swept back into the world of busy-ness again...

Emergency Coping Plan

2009-09-27T15:28:00.003-04:00

Just coming out of some sort of anxiety attack (I don't think it is an anxiety attack in the strict sense of the word, but I know no other term for these intense onsets of anger and sadness that come with BPD so I'll just go with that). Since I just finished writing my emergency coping plans from the Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Skills Workbook, I'll post it here and elaborate a bit:

MY EMERGENCY COPING PLAN FOR DEALING WITH SITUATIONS WHEN I'M UPSET AND ALONE

1. First, I'll distract myself by counting, reading quotes, or using self-injury replacement

2. Next, I'll relax with a bath or comfy clothes, listening to soothing music or a relaxation technique

3. Then, I'll tell myself coping thoughts and/or pray about my feelings/situation

4. Finally, I'll radically accept my situation, write out my feelings it I need to or plan to share them in therapy.

Today was the first day I've had to use the plan, and although I deviated from it a bit I think it is a good thing. Not sure what brought me to this point - yesterday was a good day, a day when .something happened that made me feel validated in how I handed a recent problem in my life. But today, I woke up with a migraine. I had to take two excederin to ward it off, and that coupled with the soda I drank put too much caffeine into my system which in turn made me anxious and jittery. I'm worried about the future and my career path. I'm remembering and angry - very angry - about the situation that I felt validated about yesterday, and tonight I am forcing myself to go out into a social situation I really don't want to do, but feel would be good for my well-being. So it all culminated in a huge rush of anger, irritability, and anxiety just a few moments ago.

So I got out my book and followed the plan:

1. I squeezed an ice cube and snapped a rubber band on my wrist as a replacement for self-injury (my anger and sadness make me immediately crave my personal choice of SI, burning). I walked around the house counting backward from 100 by 7s (I personally think this is very effective as it is not only distracting and time-consuming as I have the numerical form of dyslexia - but I theorize it activates the logical side of your brain, which I don't seem to use enough and goes out the window altogether when I'm upset). By the time I got to into the -30s I was lying on my bed, breathing slowly again and feeling somewhat calmed down.

2. I didn't have time to take a bath as I'm getting ready for my outing, but I did lay there for a bit in my favorite sweatshirt, which is very comforting to me. I did a few deep breathes, and something I didn't add to my plan but read in the book - thought about a person I love (my nephew).

3. I flipped back in the book to my chart on coping thoughts to use in different situations. For getting mad about this particular situation (a betrayal by a friend), I had written down the following:

- I can take all the time I need to let go and relax. I may not be able to control others, but I can control myself.

- It's ok to hurt sometimes, and my hurt will not kill me.

- These are just my feelings and eventually they'll go away.

I kept repeating that last one over and over, just under my breath, since I know the feelings of hurt and betrayal and anger do go away, because I have recently been able to experience days when I have let them go and don't feel the pain (that doesn't happen often enough yet, but I have come a long way from feeling hurt 24/7 like I used to, and I know I'll keep getting better).

4. Finally, I'll radically accept my situation, write out my feelings if I need to or plan to share them in therapy. Radical Acceptance is hard concept for me - I've only just learned it, don't fully understand it and don't know if I can actually manage to do it. But I try. I look at the situation I've been through, when someone I cared for lied, hurt me, and betrayed my trust. I accept the decisions that this other person made were their choices, not mine, and I can't control that fact that they valued me and our friendship so little that they made those choices. I accept my part in the rocky relationship as well, the way I lashed out at this person, fought with them, and let the hurt me further by my not knowing and using coping skills when they hurt me. I'm trying - though it is difficult - to just accept both of our actions without judging them, and reminding myself that I can change how I react to such situations in the future.

So here I am on the final step - writing out my feelings. In a way, too, I am sharing them, though not formally with my therapist or support group. But I'm sending them off into cyberspace this afternoon, and perhaps someone will read them and they'll make an impact.

Something Fishy

2009-09-26T15:31:00.005-04:00

My therapist seems especially impressed with the fact that I am so determined to overcome - or at least manage - my BPD, as though I just discovered it and decided to treat it. I've only seen her three times so far - the relationship is just beginning and I'm still learning to trust - and I haven't told her that I have suspected I've had BPD for three years now, and that looking back I believe that the onset of the disorder goes back at least several year before that. So finally, after half a decade with the symptoms, several years of thinking I may be a borderline, and several courses of therapy designed to treat just the depression aspect of my condition, I am ready to dive right in and get this taken care of. I am tired of the major depressive episodes that strike me at least once a year, of the daily roller coaster of emotion, of the sudden jolts of overwhelming anxiety or anger that interfere with my career and my relationships, of the impulses that lead me to make unhealthy choices.

So I've had a positive impulse - after reading that Omega-3 Fatty Acids may be beneficial to treating the aggression and depression aspects of BPD (both of which I've majorly struggled with in my most recent episode), I rushed out that night to buy a bottle of fish oil capsules. I'm not huge on alternative medicine but I also don't doubt its benefits, and if there is any chance it might help me I will at least try it. In addition, can help lower high blood pressure which I also have, so hopefully I can kill two birds with one stone...or with the six four smelling capsules I now take everyday!

The Difference a Day Makes

2009-09-25T13:16:00.005-04:00

Yesterday, I had a good day. It was a cool, sunny autumn day. I went off to work. I visited the library. I ate an ice cream, chatted with some friends, did some shopping, and watched my favorite TV show. I forgave and forgot the boy who most recently broke my heart. I controlled my emotions and was content. In all, a good day.

But less than 24 hours later all if opposite. It's rainy and gloomy. I woke up angry and feel forlorn and abandoned. I stayed home. I haven't eaten, gotten out of my pajamas, and don't want to go into work. I hate that boy today - feel the sun is shining on him but hiding from me. Today is different. But...today I have a blog.

What a difference a day makes. And in the life of a borderline, just small moments can make all the difference in the world. For me, that is one of the hardest parts of this life to cope with. And since we are sensitive people who see the world differently than everyone else, the littlest things happening in a moment, a day, can change our world.

I have just completed the first few chapters in The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Workbook, so I now have a wealth of new coping mechanisms to use in those situations when the hurt and anger come on so strong that they burn through my nerves, make me lie there and shake from the emotional pain. So far today, I have not hit that point: I dangle above it, but I haven't quite fallen that far. Yet yesterday I and other could have thought perhaps I'd stepped out of the current shadow I've been under. But today I'm in it again. What a difference a day can make.