I'm Not Dead Yet

Haven't had much time lately for keeping up with this outlet, but I'm squeezing in a few minutes tonight. I'm alive, somehow I'm alive, and I feel like I shouldn't be. With all I've been through in the past few months, with the fact that I'm unemployed and somewhat homeless, trying to find my place in the world when I can't even find a substaintial job in this economy...I should be at rock bottom, right?

But I'm not, and I don't know why. The only thing I can think of is those little coping strategies that lurk in the back of my brain and creep up when things get back. Like when I spend the day applying for 50 jobs (and no that's not an exaggeration - I kept track the other day) and I get so tired and frustrated and feeling that the world is so unfair when I have worked so hard and given so much...and at the end of it I just cry and want to give up, and this little piece of me tells me to slow down, take a break, have a nap or go for a drive, and let my body calm down until I can handle it again.

Or when I couple the job situation with the fact that I don't know where I am going to be living in a few weeks, let alone sleeping next week and the urge creeps into me to just hurt myself, to just scratch up that perfect smooth skin on my arms, and I think back to that red marker I keep in my purse to simulate the activity so I don't really do it.

I dont know. I may fall apart here very soon. And there have been some bad times when I didn't feel like I could go on. But after I calmed down I did. I'm not dead yet, and that means something, right?