Where in the hell am I? And where did my normal self go???

So I have been in a weird mood for the past week.

It started last week when the last computer in the house that worked stopped working. Now I have two that will not get online, so I have to go to my work or the library to get all my work done. And I have a lot of work and it is stressing me out. On top of my day job, I am looking for a new job and applying for at least a dozen a week and getting nowhere - its a lot of work getting together nice resumes and cover letters - or spend 5 hours filling out an online application - and pisses me off when I don't even get a simple confirmation from them.

I am thinking about taking a job 8 hours away and that is scary! I have tried that before and failed at it. My therapist and I have discussed both the failures and my possible future moving away at great ends. I have lots of coping stragagies worked out that I can use to get me through it, and I think its possible. But right now I'm in a tizzy and can't even see how anything would work out ok.

On top of that, I'm having one of the worse episodes of PMDD I've ever had. I have been in a state of derealization for the past three days, and have started to have such overwheming anger. I literally almost threw my cell phone and the ground and smashed it to pieces the other day, because I was so frustrated with the crappy service I get. I'm having pain and bloating and am so irritable I cannot stand it. I feel like hurting myself for the first time in months. Going off prozac is not helping this either...I have been I was down to 1.6 mg of prozac a day, and was doing fine with every step down from the 20 mg,but once I went off it completely I got headaches and kind of freaked out. So I went back on the small dose for now, at least to get through this period.

This entry is pretty disjointed and random, but that's how I feel right now. I'm using all my stragegies to get through this - distracting myself, trying to relax, doing things to take the place of self-injury (is it odd that summer is coming and I've found that waxing is a great substitute for SI?) But those things are just getting me through, I still feel like my brain is in a fog and not functioning normally.

The only thing that really is helping is knowing this is just temporary, and that in a few days, once my period starts, I will be back to normal. I will probably check in with you all then.

Chosing Happiness = Choosing the Journey

I love it when my favorite TV shows deal with mental health, and one of my favorite shows right now is Mercy. For those of you who haven’t seen it, it focuses on Veronica, a nurse who served in Iraq and is now home dealing with PTSD. In last week’s episode, they talked a lot about choosing to be happy. Her ex, who served with her, said he chooses every day to move on and to be happy. Her response?

“You just choose? Must be nice!”

I had always heard of the concept of “choosing” to be happy, and for a long time I believed it was purely that simple: that making the choice resulted in instant happiness. And my response was the same as Veronica’s. I envied those who could just choose, and knew I’d never be one of those people.

But I was misguided. Choosing happiness is not a choice that instantly makes you happy. I know now that choosing to by happy is a long and winding road, a series of developments and a whole hell of a lot of practice.

Choosing happiness should more accurately be called “choosing the process” or “choosing the journey.” Because when you make the choice, happiness does not just instantly “turn on” in your mind or body. Usually, when you make the choice, it is the beginning of your path to recovery. You’ve decided to be happy, but happiness does not occur just because you choose it. One you choose it, you have to learn the skills and processes to create happiness in your life. This can take weeks, months, even years.

Once you choose recovery (which is, let’s face it,almost analogous to happiness) you have to reprogram yourself and change the habits and behaviors that make you sad. We’ve adapted to our condition and a lifecycle that perpetuates unhappiness. People with BPD and depression and other mental illnesses are addicts – we’re addicted to our self-destructive behaviors and the unhealthy ways we cope like alcohol or self-injury or binging, etc. (and understandably so – they’re the only things that bring small temporary comfort in our world with no other comfort, so why wouldn’t we be addicted to them?) But with a lot of hard work, we can abandon those addictions and find new ones to take their place. We can become “addicted” to using positive coping strategies such as “Distract, Relax, And Cope” (see entry “Emergency Coping Plan”) or Self-Affirmation (See entry “Thoughts from my Little Notebook"). These don’t come naturally to us: we have to learn them.

But once you learn them and practice them, you find they bring small amounts of comfort. They sooth you the way a glass of liquor or a cut arm once soothed you. So little by little, these behaviors take over. Recovery happens and eventfully – though it may take a long time – happiness creeps in. It creeps in because by choosing recovery, you’ve chosen happiness.

For me, the day I chose to finally seek a diagnosis and get treated was the day I chose happiness. There was no happiness in my life that day; I was as far down as a person could be. The happiness came later. But without that first choice, it never would have happened.

And I sit here now, typing on my computer and looking out the window into a world full of beauty, beauty and life that I missed for so long, when I thought choosing happiness was next to impossible.

What You Mean to Me

I am so thankful for the people who read this blog.

Whether you follow my posts or have just dropped by once to read a single entry, I am blessed by you being here.

You give me a reason for living, an ear to listen to my voice. Through my hardest times and my beginning and continuing the journey through recovery, someone out there has been listening to me.

But even more important to me are some of the responses I've gotten to my stories here. I've been able to listen to other people vent about their life with BPD. I've heard from people who are searching for answers and guidance and beginning their own recovery. I FINALLY know that my own suffering has not been in vain, because people here have found strength and hope in my story. I can't honestly say that this has made it all worthwhile, like the cliche says, but its makes me feel worthwhile and somewhat whole. to know that my life reaches out across the world and touches others lives.

So, as I sit here and tell you how much you mean to me, it literally brings a tear to my eye as I feel so blessed to have shared my progress here, and will continue to do so.

So, you mean the WORLD to me!!!

And again, thank you for reading!