Part 7 of my nine part series of what the diagnostic criteria (symptoms) of BPD look like in my own life.
(got very frustrated the last time I wrote this...my computer locked up and lost the entire entry and I started to struggle with overwhelming anger...but I calmed myself, got through it, and now will try again...)
Criteria 7. chronic feelings of emptiness
Probably the most self-explanatory of all of my symptoms, but, luckily, one that doesn't bother me all that much.
However, I do struggle with it. SO many times in my life, especially when things are bad or I'm going through a depressive episode, I wonder: what's the point? Why bother loving someone if you are just going to lose them, if they are just going to hurt or leave you? Why bother chasing dreams if you just feel unfulfilled all the time anyway (and so often I feel unfulfilled)? Why bother living when it doesn't feel worth it.
Because I can be so up and down, the emptiness creeps in mostly during the down times, but it can spill into the good times too. I try so hard to fight it when it comes around, remembering what the good times were like - those times when life was worth it. But its hard. Sometimes the memories of a worthwhile life just don't feel like they are enough to sustain me. Sometimes all I can do is accept that I feel lost and empty inside, and hope and pray that someday it will pass (so far, it always has). But then again, I have never thought that happiness is something that should be forced on those who struggle with depression. Sometimes, its enough just to press on...then to press on again....until the sun shines and happiness finds us again.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
The Face of BPD - Part 6 of 9
Part 6 of my nine part series of what the diagnostic criteria (symptoms) of BPD look like in my own life.
Criteria 6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
This one is pretty self-explanatory, but to put it in simpler terms, I would basically call it intense bad emotional states that come on suddenly (often with little or no outside provocation) and go away just as quickly.
My periods of depression were just as described in this definition: I'd be doing great and all of a sudden slip deeply into terribly intense sadness. Sometimes there was a clearly obvious trigger: one time, when learning of the wedding of a guy I used to date, I went very suddenly into a spell of depression that lasted an entire summer. In that episode, I became despondent, detached, lost interest in things I loved, and had such as hard time functioning that I ignored several important life decisions that made a serious impact on my future. Often times, however, there were no obvious causes. Perhaps a series of tiny setbacks sparked my fall, but I will never know for sure.
The really bad depression came in episodes that lasted for several months, but an equally detrimental and just as common, symptom of my BPD was the intense rushes of depression on anxiety that came on suddenly, lasted a few hours, then went away. I could wake up feeling on top of the world and in love with life, then one small – even unimportant – setback could spark me into feeling so depressed I felt suicidal.
“Reactivity of mood” is one of the aspects I am learning to deal with, and having some small successes. In working with my therapist as well as my DBT workbook, I am learning how to be more mindful and aware of what I am thinking. I’ve found that, as a daydreamer, my mind often wanders onto thoughts that make me feel bad – such something a person said or did that hurt me, or frustrating situations in my career life. When I think about those things, I have an emotional reaction. An my emotions, like that of most borderlines, can race out of control in a matter of seconds.
I shared an example of this with my therapist today, recounting a situation in which I was thinking about having to cancel plans with a friend and ended up feeling angry and frustrated with her because I felt that she didn’t understand or care about me. But one of the beauties of DBT is learning two key skills: distress tolerance and emotional regulation. I’m not there yet, but knowing some of these skills helped keep me from lashing out at my friend or feeling much worse than I did.
So, like many with BPD, I have found hope. I know that recovery is possible. I am the proof.
full list of BPD criteria here
Criteria 6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
This one is pretty self-explanatory, but to put it in simpler terms, I would basically call it intense bad emotional states that come on suddenly (often with little or no outside provocation) and go away just as quickly.
My periods of depression were just as described in this definition: I'd be doing great and all of a sudden slip deeply into terribly intense sadness. Sometimes there was a clearly obvious trigger: one time, when learning of the wedding of a guy I used to date, I went very suddenly into a spell of depression that lasted an entire summer. In that episode, I became despondent, detached, lost interest in things I loved, and had such as hard time functioning that I ignored several important life decisions that made a serious impact on my future. Often times, however, there were no obvious causes. Perhaps a series of tiny setbacks sparked my fall, but I will never know for sure.
The really bad depression came in episodes that lasted for several months, but an equally detrimental and just as common, symptom of my BPD was the intense rushes of depression on anxiety that came on suddenly, lasted a few hours, then went away. I could wake up feeling on top of the world and in love with life, then one small – even unimportant – setback could spark me into feeling so depressed I felt suicidal.
“Reactivity of mood” is one of the aspects I am learning to deal with, and having some small successes. In working with my therapist as well as my DBT workbook, I am learning how to be more mindful and aware of what I am thinking. I’ve found that, as a daydreamer, my mind often wanders onto thoughts that make me feel bad – such something a person said or did that hurt me, or frustrating situations in my career life. When I think about those things, I have an emotional reaction. An my emotions, like that of most borderlines, can race out of control in a matter of seconds.
I shared an example of this with my therapist today, recounting a situation in which I was thinking about having to cancel plans with a friend and ended up feeling angry and frustrated with her because I felt that she didn’t understand or care about me. But one of the beauties of DBT is learning two key skills: distress tolerance and emotional regulation. I’m not there yet, but knowing some of these skills helped keep me from lashing out at my friend or feeling much worse than I did.
So, like many with BPD, I have found hope. I know that recovery is possible. I am the proof.
full list of BPD criteria here
Saturday, November 7, 2009
The Face of BPD - Part 5 of 9
Part 5 of my nine part series of what the diagnostic criteria (symptoms) of BPD look like in my own life.
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING POST MAY BE TRIGGERING TO PEOPLE WHO SELF INJURE. PLEASE DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU ARE IN A SAFE PLACE AND HAVE A METHOD TO COPE WITH S.I. URGES (SEE THE LINKS ON THE RIGHT FOR MORE INFORMATION)
Criterion #5: recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
I often question whether I am or have ever been suicidal because I have never made an actual suicide attempt. But I have felt that I wanted to cease living. When I was twelve I told someone I would kill myself, but I wasn't actually planning any way to do it. I've had the urge to crash my car into a tree while driving as well the strong desire to cut my wrists and watch them bleed, but I have never even started doing either of those things. I've checked myself into the emergency room several times saying I wanted to kill myself, but in retrospect I really only wanted to die and wasn't actually planning a method of suicide. I've wished I was never born, and I've prayed to God to take my life because I couldn't do it myself. Are all these things considered suicidal? I'm not sure...
But I have been a self-injurer for a while now. It started about five years ago, in the middle of an intense depression brought on by the end of a chaotic relationship. I had heard of cutting and self-injury, had known a few people who had done it. Randomly, in the middle of some of the most intense emotional pain I had ever felt, I self-injured for the first time. Crying on my bathroom floor, I lit a match, let it burn for a moment, then blew it out and stuck it into my upper arm. The release I felt and the rush of endorephins was compelely new to me. I injured a few more times, leaving severel small burns on my upper arms and thighs, then covered them with neosporin and band-aids to prevent scars. Although this may seem small in comparison with some self-injury stories, it was my entry into the world of S.I.
I suppose there were other signs in my life as well. Some have said that biting your cuticles or picking at scabs is a form of self injury. Throughout my life I have done both. A close observer could tell when I am really stressed by examining my hands: I will pick and chew at the edges of my thumbs until they are raw and bleeding. I have a hard time not touching or playing with pimples or small cuts and often develop tiny scars from this. And I've had several phases in my life where I pull the skin off the bottom of my feel (often using nail clippers or blades) until my soles are raw, sore and often bleeding.
Most recently I have dealt with my urges to self-injury by using replacement activities or distraction/relaxation techniques to help me avoid hurting myself. The book I am working on, The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook, as many great ideas for this. You can also find some here.
full list of BPD criteria here
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING POST MAY BE TRIGGERING TO PEOPLE WHO SELF INJURE. PLEASE DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU ARE IN A SAFE PLACE AND HAVE A METHOD TO COPE WITH S.I. URGES (SEE THE LINKS ON THE RIGHT FOR MORE INFORMATION)
Criterion #5: recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
I often question whether I am or have ever been suicidal because I have never made an actual suicide attempt. But I have felt that I wanted to cease living. When I was twelve I told someone I would kill myself, but I wasn't actually planning any way to do it. I've had the urge to crash my car into a tree while driving as well the strong desire to cut my wrists and watch them bleed, but I have never even started doing either of those things. I've checked myself into the emergency room several times saying I wanted to kill myself, but in retrospect I really only wanted to die and wasn't actually planning a method of suicide. I've wished I was never born, and I've prayed to God to take my life because I couldn't do it myself. Are all these things considered suicidal? I'm not sure...
But I have been a self-injurer for a while now. It started about five years ago, in the middle of an intense depression brought on by the end of a chaotic relationship. I had heard of cutting and self-injury, had known a few people who had done it. Randomly, in the middle of some of the most intense emotional pain I had ever felt, I self-injured for the first time. Crying on my bathroom floor, I lit a match, let it burn for a moment, then blew it out and stuck it into my upper arm. The release I felt and the rush of endorephins was compelely new to me. I injured a few more times, leaving severel small burns on my upper arms and thighs, then covered them with neosporin and band-aids to prevent scars. Although this may seem small in comparison with some self-injury stories, it was my entry into the world of S.I.
I suppose there were other signs in my life as well. Some have said that biting your cuticles or picking at scabs is a form of self injury. Throughout my life I have done both. A close observer could tell when I am really stressed by examining my hands: I will pick and chew at the edges of my thumbs until they are raw and bleeding. I have a hard time not touching or playing with pimples or small cuts and often develop tiny scars from this. And I've had several phases in my life where I pull the skin off the bottom of my feel (often using nail clippers or blades) until my soles are raw, sore and often bleeding.
Most recently I have dealt with my urges to self-injury by using replacement activities or distraction/relaxation techniques to help me avoid hurting myself. The book I am working on, The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook, as many great ideas for this. You can also find some here.
full list of BPD criteria here
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