The Face of BPD - Part 7 of 9

Part 7 of my nine part series of what the diagnostic criteria (symptoms) of BPD look like in my own life.

(got very frustrated the last time I wrote this...my computer locked up and lost the entire entry and I started to struggle with overwhelming anger...but I calmed myself, got through it, and now will try again...)

Criteria 7. chronic feelings of emptiness

Probably the most self-explanatory of all of my symptoms, but, luckily, one that doesn't bother me all that much.

However, I do struggle with it. SO many times in my life, especially when things are bad or I'm going through a depressive episode, I wonder: what's the point? Why bother loving someone if you are just going to lose them, if they are just going to hurt or leave you? Why bother chasing dreams if you just feel unfulfilled all the time anyway (and so often I feel unfulfilled)? Why bother living when it doesn't feel worth it.

Because I can be so up and down, the emptiness creeps in mostly during the down times, but it can spill into the good times too. I try so hard to fight it when it comes around, remembering what the good times were like - those times when life was worth it. But its hard. Sometimes the memories of a worthwhile life just don't feel like they are enough to sustain me. Sometimes all I can do is accept that I feel lost and empty inside, and hope and pray that someday it will pass (so far, it always has). But then again, I have never thought that happiness is something that should be forced on those who struggle with depression. Sometimes, its enough just to press on...then to press on again....until the sun shines and happiness finds us again.