That Most Brutal of Teachers

"Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God, do you learn." - C.S. Lewis

Heard this quote a few weeks back watching reruns of Criminal Minds. And my heart heard it today.

Had a great therapy session this afternoon - talked about so much I literally came out shaking and was ready to try tears of relief and victory. We discussed splitting and anger and yesterday's episode of disassociation and whether or not my BPD will ever go away. ) I hope it will...)

But to me, the most important thing we discussed was something that happened a few days ago - someone laughed at me, said something rude and insensitive, and hurt me terribly. Today was the first time I talked about it; I even avoided calling a friend this weekend just because I knew it would come up and I didn't want to deal with it. I wanted to push it out because each time I thought about it, it made me hurt (aside thought: is this why radical acceptance is so important - so we can accept the bad things that have happened to us without hurting each time they pop up in our memory??)

But after spending yesterday in a state of derealization, I began reading the next chapter in my DBT book on interpersonal relationships. And it began by comparing a passive and an aggressive approach to your interactions with others. I checked off about an equal number of things on each list. In some relationships I am overly aggressive when I have to deal with a problem, and I lash out and hurt others and ruin things. In others, I bottle up my frustrations and hurt myself.

My most recent hurt let me see this concept in real life: In this most recent incident, I tried to calmly stand up for myself, and when that didn't work, I shrugged the person off and just walked away. Then I let my anger subside, told myself a coping though and worked out my feelings a few days later talking to my therapist. I could have made a scene, or I could have bottled the anger up inside and ignored it, letting it fester. But I didn't. And I learned that, though I have to work a lot on striking a balance between being too passive and too aggressive in my relationships with others, I am growing.

Hurts like that are brutal, the most brutal of teachers.

But we learn. My God, do we learn.

Blood Boiling

I never really thought about the phrase "blood boiling" before, until yesterday. Someone said something so offensive and insulting to me that those two words popped into my mind. It was exactly what I was feeling...its how I feel when my anger gets out of control.

I had a choice in that instant - to make a scene or just shrug it off and walk away. I went with the latter, which I think was a good choice. Later, when I tried to rationalize my decision, and why I couldn't say something more to stand up for myself (though a dear friend did stand up for me), I simply accepted the fact that some people are completely ignorant and live in a little cocoon with no desire to learn or understand the world of the people around them. I think that's the closest I've come to radical acceptance so far (though its not truly radical acceptance because that is a judgment, and to radically accept something you just have to view it in neutral terms. But that got me through it.

Though this morning, my blood was boiling again, and this stupid little remark almost ruined my whole day.

But...I don't want to let it....

Paradox

Lately I have been busy, busy, busy. Working a lot but also working on things for myself (job searching and rewriting my resume, doing some craft/sewing projects, taking an online class, trying to plan a way to give myself a better future). When I'm busy like this, I'm happy. I get doing so much that I forget I have problems, I forget to listen to those little voices inside me that remind me that I am sick and my emotions are out of control...the ones that tell me I'm not good enough. When I'm busy, I feel in control. I feel good enough...in fact I feel great. Even dropping into bed at night exhausted (like today after working for 16 hours) I feel a sense of accomplishment.

But getting myself to that point, to the point where I'm involved in a good life enough to forget the bad stuff, takes a LOT of effort. Mostly getting out of bed, getting ready, going out and facing a world that I hate (until I'm out there in it). And no matter what, no matter how many times I have a good day and remind msyelf I can have more good days, when the time comes to decide to go into the world happily or withdrawal from it, it takes ALL my strength to go out there and live.

I honestly don't know what got me out of bed and to work this morning, but whatever it was, I'm thankful for it. I hope it comes around more often.

A Few Good Books

Just got back from a vacation...on one day, I went browsing through the psychology section of Barnes and Nobel for BPD books...though I didn't find the two books I was looking for, they did have a decent selection so I got to do a bit of reading. So I'll share some of the books I've read or browsed then and over the years that relate to mental illness and most specifically about BPD:

Get Me Out of Here - One woman's detailed account of what BDP is like - including recovery. This is a great read for anyone who has BPD, knows someone who does, just wants to learn more about the illness, or just wants a good story.

The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook - I realize I "advertise" this book a lot, but its been a big help to me! It has very detailed information and activities to teach you each of the four key DBT skills, including how to regulate your emotions, tolerate stress, be mindful and have effective relationships. It can be a bit heavy on the info at times, so I recommend anyone using it do the lessons in small increments. The activities can be immediately and effectively applied to your own life, and the book begins with setting up emergency plans on how to cope with overwhelming emotions and self-harm which is a great way to begin your recovery from BPD

Sometimes I Act Crazy - One of the first books I read when I suspected I had BPD, its a good introduction to the symptoms. It give detailed descriptions and case studies that help you understand the various aspects of the condition, and although its not set up to guide you through recovery it does offer some good suggestions on practices that are helpful to overcoming aspects of BPD.

Borderline Personality Disorder for Dummies - an all-inclusive book, it describes BPD and the symptoms, gives theories on why people develop this disorder, explains how and where to seek evaluation and treatment and gives a ton of tips on how to deal with BPD if you are a sufferer of a close friend of one.

Working from Home (Sand and the Mindful Mind)

I've been such a neurotic wreck lately - up and down, in and out of depression, shifting being being ok and being a mess. I don't really know why...I know there have been some small triggers lately, things that have upset me, but it is so minor in comparison to how terrible I am feeling. But, I suppose that's how BPD works - the emotional reaction is disproportionate to the cause. I've noticed another aspect of BPD lately too - the edge of my thumbnails and the bottom on my right foot are very uncomfortable because I have been picking and peeling at the skin on them. This is a self-destructive reaction for me, and I'm never quite sure what causes it...but I know when I am biting my nails and chewing my thumbs...and especially when I am picking at my feet until they bleed and hurt...that I am not in good shape.

Yesterday, I had to force myself to get up and get ready for work when I didn't want to...then my shift got cancelled so I got to stay at home and sleep. Then I had to force myself to get out of bed for my therapy appointment, but that ended up getting cancelled too. I tried to cheer myself up by walking around the dollar store and buying a few things, but I don't know how much it helped. I even indulged in some oatmeal cookies last night! But yet, my nerves were so shot last night I couldn't even enjoy my favorite TV shows. I took some sleeping pills and went to bed, hoping to wake up different, but I didn't. I had nightmares all night and woke up still a nervous wreck, so I chose to skip working and stay in bed all morning (I always feel like Esther at the beginning of The Bell Jar when I do that, and for some reason I find the similarity comforting).

As I lay there in bed, drifting in an out of the same nightmares, two thoughts came into my mind:

My first thought was that I need to work on Mindfulness more. Its the aspect of DBT that I least understand, maybe because I come from a conservative Christian background where meditation seems to be a dirty word and participating in the practice would be considered a treason of the accepted theology. But I have found that even the most open-minded of ministers don't always understand the psychology of the human mind, let alone the illness of the human mind. More importantly, I have learned that it is healthy for me to stop and consider where my mind is wandering, and recognize the thought processes that are detrimental to my health is key to my spiritual and mental well-being....and I am not betraying my God by doing this. And after reading Eat, Pray, Love and seeing the variety of people participating the Ashram that Elizabeth Gilbert went to, I know that I am not the only person like me to seek healing through meditation. So I've decided to learn more about the process, and use it is to better myself, and in those times that my mind is going crazy and telling me I am crazy, I will try to use Mindfulness Meditation to shut it up.

The second thought I had was of sand. More specifically, of a prayer-time practice I once did on a retreat in the Blue Ridge Mountains. We sat with a Tupperware bin full of sand, and used a chopstick to write each of our fears into the sand, then we prayed and allowed God to wipe them away, symbolically wiping them out of the sand. I loved this moment of the retreat - I wanted to get my own box of sand when I got home but I never got around to it. SO this morning I was remembering the sand, and relating it to the mindfulness practice of imagining your distressing thoughts written in the sand on a beach, where the waves come and wash them away. So I decided I wanted to finally get myself a box of sand to keep, and today I am planning on going to the store and doing that.

I kept those thoughts close, clung to them like a security blanket, turned them over and over in my mind like beads on a rosary. They comforted me this morning, and when I finally woke up to the day, I sprung out of bed determined to put them into action.

So today, I'm at home, working on things that will make me better...