Paradox

Lately I have been busy, busy, busy. Working a lot but also working on things for myself (job searching and rewriting my resume, doing some craft/sewing projects, taking an online class, trying to plan a way to give myself a better future). When I'm busy like this, I'm happy. I get doing so much that I forget I have problems, I forget to listen to those little voices inside me that remind me that I am sick and my emotions are out of control...the ones that tell me I'm not good enough. When I'm busy, I feel in control. I feel good enough...in fact I feel great. Even dropping into bed at night exhausted (like today after working for 16 hours) I feel a sense of accomplishment.

But getting myself to that point, to the point where I'm involved in a good life enough to forget the bad stuff, takes a LOT of effort. Mostly getting out of bed, getting ready, going out and facing a world that I hate (until I'm out there in it). And no matter what, no matter how many times I have a good day and remind msyelf I can have more good days, when the time comes to decide to go into the world happily or withdrawal from it, it takes ALL my strength to go out there and live.

I honestly don't know what got me out of bed and to work this morning, but whatever it was, I'm thankful for it. I hope it comes around more often.