Dissociated

I feel horrible about not updating lately. Not too horrible, because my life has been hell the past few weeks. Just a few of the things that have happened: huge fights in my family, I interviewed for a job and did not get it, I became very discourage on my job search, someone close to me is having a very hard time, I have major issues with my living situation, I met up with someone from my past who I do not get along with and who makes me very angry to be around, and on top of I had my period dammit!!!

Most of this past week or so, I have been pretty dissociative. That aspect of BPD used to scare me - I thought I was going crazy or having a complete breakdown when it would happen. But after being diagnosed and learning about it I have come to accept it as a part of who I am. This has been so dynamic for me - to learn that sometimes my emotions just sort of "shut down" because I can't handle them anymore. My body and mind take a break from it all, because it just can't handle anymore.

And every once and a while, that's ok. I know now that I am not going to lose myself, or go crazy. Its just a temporary break.

And actually, it kind of made me feel better. Knowing that I was sort of "checked out" for a while allowed me to function at about 98% normal for this week. I was pretty quiet and zoned most of the time, and I barely ate, but I went to work every day and made it through the day. I managed to answer the phone when the job rejection call came. I managed to speak civilly to the person I cannot stand (and actually came out feeling better knowing that thought we will never be friends and least I am not full of hate anymore) And I made it through the lonely nights at home even when they were really hard.

Don't get me wrong, dissociation sucks and I will be glad to come to the day when I never experience it again. It sucks because in the middle of this episode I went to a dear family member's graduation and I barely even felt like I was there. I know it should have been wonderful to see all my distant family that I never get to see, and celebrate with them, but I was just floating around the party scraping up small talk. I would have liked to have been my normal self at that party. But with all that had happened, I couldn't. But someday, I know I will...