I'm taking a break from my writing on my BPD symptoms to share the To Write Love on Her Arms movement with you. If you are not familiar with it, please click here to read the amazing story of how this program started. I think it is a phenomenal way to raise awareness and end stigma of depression, self-injury, and mental illness in general.
November 13th is "To Write Love on Her Arms" Day, so I encourage you to learn more about this movement and support it by simply writing LOVE on your own arm that day, supporting those you love with mental illness, and sharing this story with others.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
The Face of BPD (part 4 of 9)
Part 4 of my nine part series of what the diagnostic criteria (symptoms) of BPD look like in my own life.
Criterion #4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
This criterion/symptom to me was easy to confuse with bi-polar disorder. In fact, when I first contacted the mental health center for an assessment, I told them I thought I might be bi-polar, even though in the back of my mind I knew it was in fact probably BPD. I felt validated the first day I visited my therapist and she said that's what it was.
Anyway, this is short and sweet: my impulsive areas are binge eating, substance abuse, and occasionally, spending.
Binge eating has been a problem for me because I am an emotional eater. When my feelings take control and I can't feel better, I eat to numb the pain, and the more food I can enjoy the better I feel. My favorite food to soothe myself with is fast food. I think it is because I don't have to do any work to prepare it and driving in my car while listening to music to go get it is also soothing to me. I think the biggest emotional meal I ever ate was a super size double cheeseburger meal with two apple pies from McDonald's. In my memory, I think I may have continued to eat food from the refrigerator after finishing this meal. Needless to say, in the past five years or so (coincidentally the same amount of time I can recognized symptoms of BPD) I have gained a significant amount of weight from binge eating.
One of my new year's resolutions this year (before I knew about the BPD) was to try to control my emotional eating. I have had some success with it. I have often tried to replace eating with other activities such as exercising or reading. However, I am not totally in the clear. I still binge eat occasionally when things are really bad, and its harder to avoid when I actually am hungry. But by admitting it is a problem and watching out for it, I have cut down on the times I binge and have even lost 17 pounds this year - another new year's resolution met!
Another area of impusivity is substance abuse. When I tell my therapist and others that is not really a problem or addition I feel they think I'm a typical user denying the problem, but I'm telling the truth. I'm not addicted and I don't have a problem with drugs or alcohol. In fact, as of today, its been over a month since I've even had a drop to drink. The only time I've ever used anything is in those really really bad episodes where I just can't deal with the pain. In those times, it seems that the only option is to either self-medicate or to self-injure. I chose the former since it seems (for me since I don't have an addiction) to be the safest. And in those moments the usage is pretty tame: I have a few drinks until I'm just tipsy enough to fall asleep without thinking of my pain or my problems, or I take one leftover prescription painkiller to knock me out. Though its never gotten to the point of me being an alcoholic or taking anything illegal, I know the impuslivity of it is the problem, the link to BPD.
Occasionally I do go on a spending spree, but this is very rare for me. The most recent example was this summer, when I all of a sudden took the notion that I had to have a new MP3 player. I had thought about getting a new one for a while, and planned to do some research on which would be the best choice for me and my budget. But one day, when I had first started to fall into an episode, I suddenly decided I needed one now and drove 1/2 hour to the store and bought one after 5 minutes of decision. Impulsive, yes...though not bad enough for me to worry too much about my impulsive spending.
It is my hope that, now that I am learning distress tolerance and emotional regulation through DBT therapy, that I will learn to turn to these new skills rather than to eat, drink, or spend to make myself feel better.
full list of BPD criteria here
Criterion #4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
This criterion/symptom to me was easy to confuse with bi-polar disorder. In fact, when I first contacted the mental health center for an assessment, I told them I thought I might be bi-polar, even though in the back of my mind I knew it was in fact probably BPD. I felt validated the first day I visited my therapist and she said that's what it was.
Anyway, this is short and sweet: my impulsive areas are binge eating, substance abuse, and occasionally, spending.
Binge eating has been a problem for me because I am an emotional eater. When my feelings take control and I can't feel better, I eat to numb the pain, and the more food I can enjoy the better I feel. My favorite food to soothe myself with is fast food. I think it is because I don't have to do any work to prepare it and driving in my car while listening to music to go get it is also soothing to me. I think the biggest emotional meal I ever ate was a super size double cheeseburger meal with two apple pies from McDonald's. In my memory, I think I may have continued to eat food from the refrigerator after finishing this meal. Needless to say, in the past five years or so (coincidentally the same amount of time I can recognized symptoms of BPD) I have gained a significant amount of weight from binge eating.
One of my new year's resolutions this year (before I knew about the BPD) was to try to control my emotional eating. I have had some success with it. I have often tried to replace eating with other activities such as exercising or reading. However, I am not totally in the clear. I still binge eat occasionally when things are really bad, and its harder to avoid when I actually am hungry. But by admitting it is a problem and watching out for it, I have cut down on the times I binge and have even lost 17 pounds this year - another new year's resolution met!
Another area of impusivity is substance abuse. When I tell my therapist and others that is not really a problem or addition I feel they think I'm a typical user denying the problem, but I'm telling the truth. I'm not addicted and I don't have a problem with drugs or alcohol. In fact, as of today, its been over a month since I've even had a drop to drink. The only time I've ever used anything is in those really really bad episodes where I just can't deal with the pain. In those times, it seems that the only option is to either self-medicate or to self-injure. I chose the former since it seems (for me since I don't have an addiction) to be the safest. And in those moments the usage is pretty tame: I have a few drinks until I'm just tipsy enough to fall asleep without thinking of my pain or my problems, or I take one leftover prescription painkiller to knock me out. Though its never gotten to the point of me being an alcoholic or taking anything illegal, I know the impuslivity of it is the problem, the link to BPD.
Occasionally I do go on a spending spree, but this is very rare for me. The most recent example was this summer, when I all of a sudden took the notion that I had to have a new MP3 player. I had thought about getting a new one for a while, and planned to do some research on which would be the best choice for me and my budget. But one day, when I had first started to fall into an episode, I suddenly decided I needed one now and drove 1/2 hour to the store and bought one after 5 minutes of decision. Impulsive, yes...though not bad enough for me to worry too much about my impulsive spending.
It is my hope that, now that I am learning distress tolerance and emotional regulation through DBT therapy, that I will learn to turn to these new skills rather than to eat, drink, or spend to make myself feel better.
full list of BPD criteria here
Sunday, October 25, 2009
The Face of BPD (part 3 of 9)
Part 3 of my nine part series of what the diagnostic criteria (symptoms) of BPD look like in my own life.
Criteria #3:Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
I think many people learning about BPD might have a hard time understanding exactly what it means to have identity distrubance or an unstable self-image. I can give you lists of definitions or my own interpretation, but the best evidence I have is what it looks like in my own case. This involves my own personal sense of self, my life choices
My sense of who I am often changes. Like my moods, my feelings about who I am range from being a good person to a bad influence, from a happy over-achiever to a worthless loser. I might view myself in terms of being a family-oriented individual, then soon my focus shifts on how I want to succeed in my chosen career. My interests change as well, and I go through phases of what I enjoy doing the most. For several months I might be addicted to jogging; the next, knitting. It is hard for me to fill out "about me" surveys because who I think I am changes so often.
A large part of who we are deals with what we do with our life. My own life goals and career choices change so often, and have changed so often over the course of my life, that I am left feeling lost, floating on a sea of possibliities. In college I changed my major, quit, took a variety of exploratory courses, reenrolled in college, and changed my major again. Since graduation I have worked at a new job at least every year (sometimes several at a time). My career goals over the years of my adult life have included doctor, journalist, public relations, advertising, publishing or editing, teacher, nurse, pharmasist, legal aide, and social worker. Even today I am between jobs and looking to make a career change, yet every time I think I am sure I want to do one thing, I end up interested in another and change my direction altogether.
Very often, I feel like the character of Esther in Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar:
I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.
Long before I was diagnosed with BPD, I noticed another peculiar aspect of the condition. The way I acted and felt about myself often changed depending on who I was around. If I around a person who I felt comfortable with, I am self-confident, laid back and fun. If I'm sure if the person likes me or think they might be judging me, I am extremely nervous, anxious and feel like I'm worthless. Around outgoing people I tend to be vibrant and extroverted; around reserved individuals I become reserved myself.
As my sense of identity continues to shift, I am hoping that I can discover more about myself through therapy and eventually come to a more stable idea of who I am.
full list of BPD criteria here
Criteria #3:Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
I think many people learning about BPD might have a hard time understanding exactly what it means to have identity distrubance or an unstable self-image. I can give you lists of definitions or my own interpretation, but the best evidence I have is what it looks like in my own case. This involves my own personal sense of self, my life choices
My sense of who I am often changes. Like my moods, my feelings about who I am range from being a good person to a bad influence, from a happy over-achiever to a worthless loser. I might view myself in terms of being a family-oriented individual, then soon my focus shifts on how I want to succeed in my chosen career. My interests change as well, and I go through phases of what I enjoy doing the most. For several months I might be addicted to jogging; the next, knitting. It is hard for me to fill out "about me" surveys because who I think I am changes so often.
A large part of who we are deals with what we do with our life. My own life goals and career choices change so often, and have changed so often over the course of my life, that I am left feeling lost, floating on a sea of possibliities. In college I changed my major, quit, took a variety of exploratory courses, reenrolled in college, and changed my major again. Since graduation I have worked at a new job at least every year (sometimes several at a time). My career goals over the years of my adult life have included doctor, journalist, public relations, advertising, publishing or editing, teacher, nurse, pharmasist, legal aide, and social worker. Even today I am between jobs and looking to make a career change, yet every time I think I am sure I want to do one thing, I end up interested in another and change my direction altogether.
Very often, I feel like the character of Esther in Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar:
I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.
Long before I was diagnosed with BPD, I noticed another peculiar aspect of the condition. The way I acted and felt about myself often changed depending on who I was around. If I around a person who I felt comfortable with, I am self-confident, laid back and fun. If I'm sure if the person likes me or think they might be judging me, I am extremely nervous, anxious and feel like I'm worthless. Around outgoing people I tend to be vibrant and extroverted; around reserved individuals I become reserved myself.
As my sense of identity continues to shift, I am hoping that I can discover more about myself through therapy and eventually come to a more stable idea of who I am.
full list of BPD criteria here
Friday, October 23, 2009
The Face of BPD (part 2 of 9)
Part 2 of my nine part series of what the diagnostic criteria (symptoms) of BPD look like in my own life.
Diagnostic Criteria #2: a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
This one of the most recognizable aspects of BPD. It involves others who in turn notice the problem, and it is also such a chaotic and detremental part of one's life that it is hard to overlook.
In my own exploration and eventual diagnosis, the symptoms of chaotic relationship and "splitting" were impossible to miss. I could write on specific situations for hours, but will limit this post to a few key examples. Most of the following deal with romantic relationships, because I tend to have more unstable interactions with men than with other women, whether it be a boyfriend or just a guy friend (I will touch on this later in this post)
One of the first problems I noticed is a tendency to get attached to a person very quickly and be unable to detach from them. Many people with BPD report that they fall in love easily and quickly. This is true for me. I am extremely picky when it comes to dating, but when I do find myself having even a slight attraction to somebody, it spirals quickly into love and slight obsession. I used to see this at just being a romantic and believing in "love at first sight" but I know now that it is a part of my BPD.
Similarly, once I became emotionally attached to a person it is very hard to let them go by either ending the relationship or ceasing to be friends. Because I become attached so very quickly to the person I have overlooked vital flaws or intense differences in our personalities or values, which means I often care very deeply for a person with whom I am incompatible. The relationship is doomed from the beginning, though I fail to see it because I am so lovestruck. Intense disappointment and passionate fighting almost always follow, and the breakup or movement away from the person entitles a very intense grieving process. Hurt, sadness, anger, disappointment, and lack of confidence violently combine when a relationship ends for me, leading to intense periods of depression.
Unfortunately, chaos is a theme in every one of my past romantic relationships. Dramas run the gamut from intense jealously over a the other person's activities to making demands that were impossible to meet. I've often questioned whether I subconsciously create some of the dramas to keep the relationship interesting or make it feel more alive, and I think this is sometimes the case for me. However, I know that most of the turmoil in the relationship comes from the aspect of splitting.
Splitting was a complicated concept for me to understand at first, but most simply defined it is a very quick and often frequent cycle of love (idealization) and hate (devaluation) in a relationship. I see it clearly in my past relationships. For example, I once met and fell very much in love (quickly) with a guy I had met at bible study I was attending. We shared a similar faith and as I grew to like him, I placed him high on a pedestal based on the comments he had made about his beliefs and values. To me, he was good, one of the nicest men I had ever met with no serious flaws. However, once we began dating I saw that, outside of a "religious" setting, he was a very different person. It did not take long for me to drag him off the pedestal and into the realm of my hatred. In my mind, he was an evil person and I began fighting with him based on the issues I took with him. Eventually, we would work out the issues or I would see another part of him that shifted him back into my good graces. That cycle continued many times over the course of both our dating relationship and our friendship, until eventually the whole thing ended with a large fight and I spiraled into a depressive episode that took a lot of effort to overcome.
The psychological basis of splitting involves several theories I don't fully understand, and as I work through the process in therapy I hope to learn why I have developed the tendency to think in the black and white terms of splitting. I have also been exploring the reasons that almost ever example of splitting in my life involves men and not women. Some possible reasons I see for this might involve growing up in an all-female household, damage from seeing and experiencing sexual harassment during my teen years, or a very unhealthy love relationship early in my dating life.
However, regardless of the reasons, being aware that I "split" and knowing the signs of it will be helpful to me. In the future, I can recognize that I fall in love too easily and use my developing skills to control my thoughts and emotions to develop healthier relationships. I can distinguish flaws or personality aspects that I can live with in a relationship to those that make me incompatible with a guy. I can also now recognize the precursors for splitting and try to avoid the quick changeover from love to hate or from good to evil.
full list of BPD criteria here
Diagnostic Criteria #2: a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
This one of the most recognizable aspects of BPD. It involves others who in turn notice the problem, and it is also such a chaotic and detremental part of one's life that it is hard to overlook.
In my own exploration and eventual diagnosis, the symptoms of chaotic relationship and "splitting" were impossible to miss. I could write on specific situations for hours, but will limit this post to a few key examples. Most of the following deal with romantic relationships, because I tend to have more unstable interactions with men than with other women, whether it be a boyfriend or just a guy friend (I will touch on this later in this post)
One of the first problems I noticed is a tendency to get attached to a person very quickly and be unable to detach from them. Many people with BPD report that they fall in love easily and quickly. This is true for me. I am extremely picky when it comes to dating, but when I do find myself having even a slight attraction to somebody, it spirals quickly into love and slight obsession. I used to see this at just being a romantic and believing in "love at first sight" but I know now that it is a part of my BPD.
Similarly, once I became emotionally attached to a person it is very hard to let them go by either ending the relationship or ceasing to be friends. Because I become attached so very quickly to the person I have overlooked vital flaws or intense differences in our personalities or values, which means I often care very deeply for a person with whom I am incompatible. The relationship is doomed from the beginning, though I fail to see it because I am so lovestruck. Intense disappointment and passionate fighting almost always follow, and the breakup or movement away from the person entitles a very intense grieving process. Hurt, sadness, anger, disappointment, and lack of confidence violently combine when a relationship ends for me, leading to intense periods of depression.
Unfortunately, chaos is a theme in every one of my past romantic relationships. Dramas run the gamut from intense jealously over a the other person's activities to making demands that were impossible to meet. I've often questioned whether I subconsciously create some of the dramas to keep the relationship interesting or make it feel more alive, and I think this is sometimes the case for me. However, I know that most of the turmoil in the relationship comes from the aspect of splitting.
Splitting was a complicated concept for me to understand at first, but most simply defined it is a very quick and often frequent cycle of love (idealization) and hate (devaluation) in a relationship. I see it clearly in my past relationships. For example, I once met and fell very much in love (quickly) with a guy I had met at bible study I was attending. We shared a similar faith and as I grew to like him, I placed him high on a pedestal based on the comments he had made about his beliefs and values. To me, he was good, one of the nicest men I had ever met with no serious flaws. However, once we began dating I saw that, outside of a "religious" setting, he was a very different person. It did not take long for me to drag him off the pedestal and into the realm of my hatred. In my mind, he was an evil person and I began fighting with him based on the issues I took with him. Eventually, we would work out the issues or I would see another part of him that shifted him back into my good graces. That cycle continued many times over the course of both our dating relationship and our friendship, until eventually the whole thing ended with a large fight and I spiraled into a depressive episode that took a lot of effort to overcome.
The psychological basis of splitting involves several theories I don't fully understand, and as I work through the process in therapy I hope to learn why I have developed the tendency to think in the black and white terms of splitting. I have also been exploring the reasons that almost ever example of splitting in my life involves men and not women. Some possible reasons I see for this might involve growing up in an all-female household, damage from seeing and experiencing sexual harassment during my teen years, or a very unhealthy love relationship early in my dating life.
However, regardless of the reasons, being aware that I "split" and knowing the signs of it will be helpful to me. In the future, I can recognize that I fall in love too easily and use my developing skills to control my thoughts and emotions to develop healthier relationships. I can distinguish flaws or personality aspects that I can live with in a relationship to those that make me incompatible with a guy. I can also now recognize the precursors for splitting and try to avoid the quick changeover from love to hate or from good to evil.
full list of BPD criteria here
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
The Face of BPD (part 1 of 9)
Today I am starting this nine part series of what the diagnostic criteria (symptoms) of BPD look like in my own life. When I was first learning about BPD, simply reading the criteria didn't really give me a glimpse of what it was like living with the symptoms of BPD disorder on a daily basis, so I am hoping my description can help others describe their symptoms to their mental health provider.
Criterion 1: frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. (does not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5) full list of criteria here
Although this is the first on the DSM-IV's list of criteria (what I think of as symptoms) of BPD, it was definitely not one that I recognized right away. But as I dig deeper, I am seeing this to be one of the more subtle aspects of my condition, one I've dealt with overcoming before.
As a child, I suffered with separation anxieties. Leaving my home, my family, and especially my mother were extremely difficult. Even as an older child, going to school was often traumatic. Sleepovers often ended with me walking home from the friend's house in the middle of the night or my parents being called to come and get me. I suffered through the first several days of the week-long summer camp I went to every year (to the point of being physically sick and visiting the camp nurse). Even vacations with my entire family resulted in intense periods of homesickness that would leave me sick to my stomach. Even today, in my 30s, moving to a new place or starting a new job can be extremely traumatic for me.
As an adult, I can see these episodes as the beginning of abandonment issues. I'm not quite sure where they've come from, though I've spent time in the past working of some of the aspects of the attachment issues I've had with my parents. I know I still have work to do there, and perhaps one day I will figure it all out.
I think, too, that part of my often chaotic relationships are tied up in abandonment issues. In the last chaotic friendship that really effected my life, I had to have the last word. I had to be the one that said the final straw that ended the friendship. I couldn't just let go, couldn't walk away, though I knew deep down that the relationship was doomed and I was even better off without it. I wasn't seeing this person on a daily basis, so I could have just let go and ended it there. Instead, I chose to push my friendship unto to this person - and then I dug and dug until I had enough dirt on the way they were hurting others that I could finally have it out with them, tell them off, and FORCE THEM to walk away from me. In this way, I think I felt that I wasn't abandoned. It was me frantically taking control of the situation to avoid abandonment.
full list of BPD criteria here
Criterion 1: frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. (does not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5) full list of criteria here
Although this is the first on the DSM-IV's list of criteria (what I think of as symptoms) of BPD, it was definitely not one that I recognized right away. But as I dig deeper, I am seeing this to be one of the more subtle aspects of my condition, one I've dealt with overcoming before.
As a child, I suffered with separation anxieties. Leaving my home, my family, and especially my mother were extremely difficult. Even as an older child, going to school was often traumatic. Sleepovers often ended with me walking home from the friend's house in the middle of the night or my parents being called to come and get me. I suffered through the first several days of the week-long summer camp I went to every year (to the point of being physically sick and visiting the camp nurse). Even vacations with my entire family resulted in intense periods of homesickness that would leave me sick to my stomach. Even today, in my 30s, moving to a new place or starting a new job can be extremely traumatic for me.
As an adult, I can see these episodes as the beginning of abandonment issues. I'm not quite sure where they've come from, though I've spent time in the past working of some of the aspects of the attachment issues I've had with my parents. I know I still have work to do there, and perhaps one day I will figure it all out.
I think, too, that part of my often chaotic relationships are tied up in abandonment issues. In the last chaotic friendship that really effected my life, I had to have the last word. I had to be the one that said the final straw that ended the friendship. I couldn't just let go, couldn't walk away, though I knew deep down that the relationship was doomed and I was even better off without it. I wasn't seeing this person on a daily basis, so I could have just let go and ended it there. Instead, I chose to push my friendship unto to this person - and then I dug and dug until I had enough dirt on the way they were hurting others that I could finally have it out with them, tell them off, and FORCE THEM to walk away from me. In this way, I think I felt that I wasn't abandoned. It was me frantically taking control of the situation to avoid abandonment.
full list of BPD criteria here
Saturday, October 17, 2009
The Illusion of Fine
Right now, in this little moment, I am fine. I am stable. No anxiety, no panics, no distress. I'm confident in my future - my ability to find a good job, to find some purpose in my life, to move on and become who I want to be. And its nice being fine - it gives me a heady feeling of comfort. But I know all to well that fineness can be an illusion.
For someone with BPD, emotions change quickly, often for no reason. The smallest occurrence, remark, or setback and send one quite literally into the depths of dis pair. I know, and recognize, this part of my condition. So although I'm enjoying the fineness, I know of its transience and am planning how to react when it is gone.
Just six months ago, I was fine. In fact, I was more than fine, I was on top of the world. I was beyond happy, confident, working hard and planning. I was confident in the future, looking forward to what life had for me, and had no idea what hell laid ahead. I was happy, yet it took only a few weeks, a few small situations and a few inconsequential people, to topple me. And once I fell, it took me months to get back up.
So now, today, I'm fine. But I know it will not last. So I continue to learn about the skills I will need when I fall again, when I am not fine. I'm practicing distress tolerance now, in little situations that ignite my emotions, like having a mistaken credit card charge. That way, when the big things come, when someone betrays me or breaks my heart again, or I lose something I worked so hard for, I will be ready. Ready to take those three steps to dealing with stress: Distract, Relax and Cope.
I'm glad to be fine, and I don't always think its an illusion in and of itself. But we set ourselves up for failure if we become so lulled by our fineness that we think out problems are over, that we've completely and forever healed, and that we'll never have another episode again. That's when we buy into the illusion that fineness sets up for us, and we let down our guard and fall.
Right now I'm fine, but next time I fall, I think I'll be ready.
For someone with BPD, emotions change quickly, often for no reason. The smallest occurrence, remark, or setback and send one quite literally into the depths of dis pair. I know, and recognize, this part of my condition. So although I'm enjoying the fineness, I know of its transience and am planning how to react when it is gone.
Just six months ago, I was fine. In fact, I was more than fine, I was on top of the world. I was beyond happy, confident, working hard and planning. I was confident in the future, looking forward to what life had for me, and had no idea what hell laid ahead. I was happy, yet it took only a few weeks, a few small situations and a few inconsequential people, to topple me. And once I fell, it took me months to get back up.
So now, today, I'm fine. But I know it will not last. So I continue to learn about the skills I will need when I fall again, when I am not fine. I'm practicing distress tolerance now, in little situations that ignite my emotions, like having a mistaken credit card charge. That way, when the big things come, when someone betrays me or breaks my heart again, or I lose something I worked so hard for, I will be ready. Ready to take those three steps to dealing with stress: Distract, Relax and Cope.
I'm glad to be fine, and I don't always think its an illusion in and of itself. But we set ourselves up for failure if we become so lulled by our fineness that we think out problems are over, that we've completely and forever healed, and that we'll never have another episode again. That's when we buy into the illusion that fineness sets up for us, and we let down our guard and fall.
Right now I'm fine, but next time I fall, I think I'll be ready.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Some Thoughts from My Little Notebook
I keep a small notebook in my purse right now - so that it will always be with me - with lists of things I have been learning about dealing with stress, tolerating crises, and coping. Most of these come from The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook, with some being slightly modified by me. Since I've been both busy and under the weather this week and haven't blogged or written much, they'll make for an easy share today:
FAVORITE COPING THOUGHTS
FAVORITE COPING THOUGHTS
- My feelings make me uncomfortable right now, but I can accept them
- I've survived other situations like this before, and I'll survive this one too.
- I can take all the time I need right now to let go and relax
- My thoughts don't control my life, I do. I can think different thoughts if I want to.
- My anxiety/fear/sadness/anger won't kill me, it just doesn't feel very good right now
- There are just my feelings and eventually they'll go away.
- I can only control myself and my feelings.
- I can't control how others act, but I can control how I react to others
- I'm a sensitive person who experiences the world differently and who has rich emotional experiences (I love that one - its so true for me)
- I'm good, and nobody's perfect
- Even though bad things have happened and I've made mistakes, I am still a good person
- There's a purpose to my life, even though I might not always see it.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
We Can Mend
I love Grey's Anatomy. Not for the drama, or even for the medicine (although I am a science buff), but for the simple fact that it makes me feel not so alone. Meredith, Izzy, Cristina...they all as neurotic as I am. And watching them gives me company in my chaos and strength to face my own problems.
I recently went through a tumultuous relationship and I had to spend several months in the process of mending. It seemed impossible. I fell worse than Meredith, and I never thought I would feel better again. But as time goes by and I learn how to cope, the pain has lessened. So as I was watching an old episode tonight I saw Bailey say to Derek, after he left Meredith:
"No she's not [ok]. She’s a human traffic accident and everybody is slowing down to look at the wreckage. She’s doing the best she can with what she has left. Look, I know you can’t see this because you’re in it but you can’t help her now. It’ll only make it worse. Walk away. Leave her to mend."
That was me, the human traffic accident. I didn't even know I was mending - at the time I was trying to survive. Getting out of bed just to get something to eat and crawl back into the darkness. Surviving. Knowing those around me knew I was stranded in my loneliness, just feeling the hurt and letting it be real to me. Letting the situation soak in, and learning how to cope so I could deal with it.
I hurt so much after I lost this person, and wanted nothing more than for them to come back into my life, apologize, accept my apology, and make me feel better. That was the fantasy. But the reality was different. We both said and did things that did irreparable damage, and though I would give anything to fix it, the other party did not feel the same way. That was the reality. And by being left, as hard as it was and as long as it took, I could mend. And even though I couldn't "see it" because I was "in it," mending was possible.
In another episode Meredith told Derek:
"I'm all glued back together now. I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke."
She was talking about the relationships she had that helped her get over McDreamy...I, on the other hand, had to make tough decisions to get myself back up. People knew about my struggle but were helpless to lend me a hand. And I even had to heartbreakingly stand up for what I believed in, all alone, when it was the hardest thing in the world and would make me lose all I thought I had. But in time, I got glued back together. I did what I had to do to survive, then fix. That's reality - that's radical acceptance in a nutshell. I make no apologies. Meredith got glued back together. I can to. Mending is possible. We can mend.
I recently went through a tumultuous relationship and I had to spend several months in the process of mending. It seemed impossible. I fell worse than Meredith, and I never thought I would feel better again. But as time goes by and I learn how to cope, the pain has lessened. So as I was watching an old episode tonight I saw Bailey say to Derek, after he left Meredith:
"No she's not [ok]. She’s a human traffic accident and everybody is slowing down to look at the wreckage. She’s doing the best she can with what she has left. Look, I know you can’t see this because you’re in it but you can’t help her now. It’ll only make it worse. Walk away. Leave her to mend."
That was me, the human traffic accident. I didn't even know I was mending - at the time I was trying to survive. Getting out of bed just to get something to eat and crawl back into the darkness. Surviving. Knowing those around me knew I was stranded in my loneliness, just feeling the hurt and letting it be real to me. Letting the situation soak in, and learning how to cope so I could deal with it.
I hurt so much after I lost this person, and wanted nothing more than for them to come back into my life, apologize, accept my apology, and make me feel better. That was the fantasy. But the reality was different. We both said and did things that did irreparable damage, and though I would give anything to fix it, the other party did not feel the same way. That was the reality. And by being left, as hard as it was and as long as it took, I could mend. And even though I couldn't "see it" because I was "in it," mending was possible.
In another episode Meredith told Derek:
"I'm all glued back together now. I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke."
She was talking about the relationships she had that helped her get over McDreamy...I, on the other hand, had to make tough decisions to get myself back up. People knew about my struggle but were helpless to lend me a hand. And I even had to heartbreakingly stand up for what I believed in, all alone, when it was the hardest thing in the world and would make me lose all I thought I had. But in time, I got glued back together. I did what I had to do to survive, then fix. That's reality - that's radical acceptance in a nutshell. I make no apologies. Meredith got glued back together. I can to. Mending is possible. We can mend.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Working Girl
Working is hard when you are in the middle of a depressive episode. Luckily, I had vacation time scheduled right as my latest one started, so the days when I couldn't get out of bed didn't interfere with my life. And I am blessed now to be at a very flexible on-call job where I don't have to work everyday and can turn down a day's work if I need to. But that flexibility makes it harder...its hard enough to get up out of bed on these cold fall mornings and get myself going under normal circumstances, but when I wake up feeling tired or depressed or angry it takes everything in me to get up and get to work.
We are not safe from our emotions anywhere - and work is no exception. For me, anger strikes in the most unusual of places and kicks me when I'm down (I, who's default emotion is anger in most every situation, and who rarely expresses it but buries it inside, making for more hurt and even bigger blow-ups when the explosions come). So today, my anger crept up on me at work, in a short 10-minutes of downtime. Its like a sports car - 0 to 60 in a matter of seconds. One moment I am find, the next filled with anger and hurt...and today I felt hurt knowing that the person who hurt me most recently is out there, going on with their life as if they didn't break me into a million pieces...and on the way to breaking someone else again, perhaps at that very moment I was sitting at work, in my chair, just trying to get through the day.
So today I was thankful for the notebook I've been keeping - the one I've filled with coping thoughts and self-affirming statements, and quotes from my favorite TV shows and music. I just read them over and over and over until the short break I had passed, and even wrote down a new quote I had heard a few days ago in a song. And I was swept back into the world of busy-ness again...
We are not safe from our emotions anywhere - and work is no exception. For me, anger strikes in the most unusual of places and kicks me when I'm down (I, who's default emotion is anger in most every situation, and who rarely expresses it but buries it inside, making for more hurt and even bigger blow-ups when the explosions come). So today, my anger crept up on me at work, in a short 10-minutes of downtime. Its like a sports car - 0 to 60 in a matter of seconds. One moment I am find, the next filled with anger and hurt...and today I felt hurt knowing that the person who hurt me most recently is out there, going on with their life as if they didn't break me into a million pieces...and on the way to breaking someone else again, perhaps at that very moment I was sitting at work, in my chair, just trying to get through the day.
So today I was thankful for the notebook I've been keeping - the one I've filled with coping thoughts and self-affirming statements, and quotes from my favorite TV shows and music. I just read them over and over and over until the short break I had passed, and even wrote down a new quote I had heard a few days ago in a song. And I was swept back into the world of busy-ness again...
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