The Illusion of Fine

Right now, in this little moment, I am fine. I am stable. No anxiety, no panics, no distress. I'm confident in my future - my ability to find a good job, to find some purpose in my life, to move on and become who I want to be. And its nice being fine - it gives me a heady feeling of comfort. But I know all to well that fineness can be an illusion.

For someone with BPD, emotions change quickly, often for no reason. The smallest occurrence, remark, or setback and send one quite literally into the depths of dis pair. I know, and recognize, this part of my condition. So although I'm enjoying the fineness, I know of its transience and am planning how to react when it is gone.

Just six months ago, I was fine. In fact, I was more than fine, I was on top of the world. I was beyond happy, confident, working hard and planning. I was confident in the future, looking forward to what life had for me, and had no idea what hell laid ahead. I was happy, yet it took only a few weeks, a few small situations and a few inconsequential people, to topple me. And once I fell, it took me months to get back up.

So now, today, I'm fine. But I know it will not last. So I continue to learn about the skills I will need when I fall again, when I am not fine. I'm practicing distress tolerance now, in little situations that ignite my emotions, like having a mistaken credit card charge. That way, when the big things come, when someone betrays me or breaks my heart again, or I lose something I worked so hard for, I will be ready. Ready to take those three steps to dealing with stress: Distract, Relax and Cope.

I'm glad to be fine, and I don't always think its an illusion in and of itself. But we set ourselves up for failure if we become so lulled by our fineness that we think out problems are over, that we've completely and forever healed, and that we'll never have another episode again. That's when we buy into the illusion that fineness sets up for us, and we let down our guard and fall.

Right now I'm fine, but next time I fall, I think I'll be ready.