The Face of BPD (part 4 of 9)

Part 4 of my nine part series of what the diagnostic criteria (symptoms) of BPD look like in my own life.

Criterion #4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

This criterion/symptom to me was easy to confuse with bi-polar disorder. In fact, when I first contacted the mental health center for an assessment, I told them I thought I might be bi-polar, even though in the back of my mind I knew it was in fact probably BPD. I felt validated the first day I visited my therapist and she said that's what it was.

Anyway, this is short and sweet: my impulsive areas are binge eating, substance abuse, and occasionally, spending.

Binge eating has been a problem for me because I am an emotional eater. When my feelings take control and I can't feel better, I eat to numb the pain, and the more food I can enjoy the better I feel. My favorite food to soothe myself with is fast food. I think it is because I don't have to do any work to prepare it and driving in my car while listening to music to go get it is also soothing to me. I think the biggest emotional meal I ever ate was a super size double cheeseburger meal with two apple pies from McDonald's. In my memory, I think I may have continued to eat food from the refrigerator after finishing this meal. Needless to say, in the past five years or so (coincidentally the same amount of time I can recognized symptoms of BPD) I have gained a significant amount of weight from binge eating.

One of my new year's resolutions this year (before I knew about the BPD) was to try to control my emotional eating. I have had some success with it. I have often tried to replace eating with other activities such as exercising or reading. However, I am not totally in the clear. I still binge eat occasionally when things are really bad, and its harder to avoid when I actually am hungry. But by admitting it is a problem and watching out for it, I have cut down on the times I binge and have even lost 17 pounds this year - another new year's resolution met!

Another area of impusivity is substance abuse. When I tell my therapist and others that is not really a problem or addition I feel they think I'm a typical user denying the problem, but I'm telling the truth. I'm not addicted and I don't have a problem with drugs or alcohol. In fact, as of today, its been over a month since I've even had a drop to drink. The only time I've ever used anything is in those really really bad episodes where I just can't deal with the pain. In those times, it seems that the only option is to either self-medicate or to self-injure. I chose the former since it seems (for me since I don't have an addiction) to be the safest. And in those moments the usage is pretty tame: I have a few drinks until I'm just tipsy enough to fall asleep without thinking of my pain or my problems, or I take one leftover prescription painkiller to knock me out. Though its never gotten to the point of me being an alcoholic or taking anything illegal, I know the impuslivity of it is the problem, the link to BPD.

Occasionally I do go on a spending spree, but this is very rare for me. The most recent example was this summer, when I all of a sudden took the notion that I had to have a new MP3 player. I had thought about getting a new one for a while, and planned to do some research on which would be the best choice for me and my budget. But one day, when I had first started to fall into an episode, I suddenly decided I needed one now and drove 1/2 hour to the store and bought one after 5 minutes of decision. Impulsive, yes...though not bad enough for me to worry too much about my impulsive spending.

It is my hope that, now that I am learning distress tolerance and emotional regulation through DBT therapy, that I will learn to turn to these new skills rather than to eat, drink, or spend to make myself feel better.

full list of BPD criteria here