Case Closed...

...at least for now.

Had my last official meeting with my therapist yesterday. Was nervous going there, because I knew March was the time we had decided to review my progress and decide on the next step. Though I have been doing so well, the concept of "leaving" therapy and "going" out into the real world on my own is scare (yes, I realize its not that black-and-white, but sometimes it feels that way).

I was surprised and overjoyed for many reasons. First, she said that I have been doing so well that she couldn't see herself possibly making an argument for continuing my case. Second, when I told her that I indeed did feel much better in the way I was coping with things, she said that that is exactly what she calls the definition of mental health: being able to cope with things. With life. Finally, she stressed that even though my case is closed at the center, I can always call her and come in for a visit or just to talk, without going through the whole process of being evaluated and re-opening a case. I thought that was very kind and put me at ease.

I'm going off prozac and only having occasional tiny bouts of "tearfulness." (which is normal). I am walking out of a 6-month long session of CBT and DBT and group therapy. I am functioning, I would say, about 99% normal right now (we all slip here and there). I go to work everyday, I don't cry myself to sleep or hide in my bed right now, and life - though full of challenges that will come at me full speed in the next few months - seems like a good thing again. The gray-colored glasses that we see the world through when we are depressed have come off and I have clear sight again.

Don't misunderstand: I don't consider myself "cured." I still struggle with some of the aspects of BPD. For example, I still struggle with thinking in mostly black-and-white terms in relationships. I especially do this with men, and I think if I ever decide to have another romantic relationship, I will need to work more on dealing with this. But I've learned to fight against my emotions and control them rather than them controlling me. I've learned the process of thinking more logically. I've learned how to cope with distressing situations - I have several written plans on how to do so.

I think it will be quite a while before I can put BPD behind me and look at it as something I "used to have." Because of that and because I still have so much to learn and say, this blog will go on. But for now, life is stable, and I am happy to report how happy I am to have found the light at the end of my tunnel.