I'm in a bad mood today. There is no reason. Yesterday I had a great day: I slept in but not too late, worked out, got a lot of paperwork done that I needed to do, did a little light cleaning, and then got myself taco bell for dinner and watched movies all night, then SNL, and I drifted off to sleep very pleased with myself.
But today I just feel empty. Its not for lack of trying. I got up straight away this morning, worked out (I've vowed to be better at doing that) and tried to get myself out and into the day. I did some more cleaning, started packing for the holidays, tried playing my guitar. When all that failed I fell back on my old habit of going for long drives and listening to some soulful music - John Mayer, Jewel, Paul Alan. I thought about calling some friends to chat but just didn't have the motivationI ate two cookies, tried to find a movie to watch on TV. But I still feel....dead.
I hope its just that end-of-the-weekend dreading going back to work (and dreading the stress of the holiday travel ahead of me) blues, and not something more.
QUIET - JOHN MAYER
midnight
lock all the doors
and turn out the lights
feels like the end of the world
this Sunday night
there's not a sound
outside the snow's coming down
and somehow I can't seem to find
the quiet inside my mind
3:02
the space in this room
has turned on me
and all my fears have cornered me here
me and my TV screen
the volume's down
blue lights are dancing around
and still, I can't seem to find
the quiet inside my mind
daylight is climbing the walls
cars start and feet walk the halls
the world awakes and now I am safe
at least by the light of day,
at least by the light of day...
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
Feeling the Horrible
Six months ago, I was at rock bottom. I had gone through the tumultuous breakdown of a friendship with someone I cared very much about based on actions they had taken, and was left feeling betrayed and heartbroken. I was so far gone that I barely felt like living. And even though in hindsight I can tell that the situation was in no way the end of the world, my world was at its end at the time.
(Can you recognize the BPD traits of chaotic relationships, emptiness and emotional overreaction in that?)
My friends all tried to make me feel better: one just told me to forget this person, another tried to keep me constantly busy to get my mind off of it. But one friend (one who is now helping me see how to evaluate how I hold up others in my eyes) gave me some of the greatest advice I've ever gotten. She told me "Don't be surprised by the pain....let yourself feel it, and experience it... and only after you have can you truly let yourself heal."
So last night, when I was once again watching reruns of Grey's Anatomy, the following conversation between Meredith and her therapist brought back those words:
As a person with BPD, I've always been emotional, and a lot of times these emotions have run my life. They've made me who I am, stunted my growth and made me miss out on a lot in life. But I am learning. I am learning how to feel the horrible, know I can survive, and helping myself heal. That's the goal.
(Can you recognize the BPD traits of chaotic relationships, emptiness and emotional overreaction in that?)
My friends all tried to make me feel better: one just told me to forget this person, another tried to keep me constantly busy to get my mind off of it. But one friend (one who is now helping me see how to evaluate how I hold up others in my eyes) gave me some of the greatest advice I've ever gotten. She told me "Don't be surprised by the pain....let yourself feel it, and experience it... and only after you have can you truly let yourself heal."
So last night, when I was once again watching reruns of Grey's Anatomy, the following conversation between Meredith and her therapist brought back those words:
Meredith: It makes absolutely no sense to try to be happy in a world that's such a horrible place.Now that I think about it, it also reminds me of a phrase that I've picked as one of my "coping thoughts" to repeat to myself when I'm really having a breakdown.
Dr. Wyatt: Yes.
Meredith: What?
Dr. Wyatt:Yes, horrible things do happen. Happiness in the face of all of that... that's not the goal. Feeling the horrible and knowing that you're not gonna die from those feelings, that's goal. And you're not done. You've made progress because you're feeling and you're telling me about it. Six months ago, it would've been just you and a bottle of tequila. My door is always open.
My feelings may make me uncomfortable right now, but they are not going to kill me.I have thoughts like these written in a tiny notebook that I keep with me at all times, along with ways to relax, defect self-destructive behavior, and make good decisions when I'm overwhelmed. Its been a big help to me.
Another one of my thoughts: I'm a sensitive person who experiences the world differently and has unique emotional experiences.
As a person with BPD, I've always been emotional, and a lot of times these emotions have run my life. They've made me who I am, stunted my growth and made me miss out on a lot in life. But I am learning. I am learning how to feel the horrible, know I can survive, and helping myself heal. That's the goal.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
"Who Says I Can't Be Free?"
While doing some research and reading on BPD the other day, I came across this google health article that got me thinking about recovery. As I read the article, hoping to learn more about BPD and use and share that knowledge, I was disenchanted that the only information on this page on the prognosis of the disorder was "Borderline personality disorder has a poor outlook because people often do not comply with treatment."
Call me an optimist (with BPD?!?! Yes, its possible) but I just don't think "poor outlook" is the way to define the condition of me or any of my new-found friends with BPD. I believe there is hope, that we can have faith for brighter futures.
Yes, I am sure that many borderlines don't always follow their treatment plan, but treatment isn't black-and-white. It's not like developing an infection, where you go to the doctor, get some tests, and takes some pills and get better. Treatment takes a long time, its a long hard road. And by the very nature of mental illness, you stop caring very much for yourself and your health, and you do things that are unhealthy for you....its just as easy to skip out on therapy as it is to self injure or withdraw from your loved ones. If you have a physical illness and stop taking your medication, you feel worse and you know you have to take your meds to feel better. But when you have a mental illness, and you're not following treatment, you just don't care - you don't matter, you're health doesn't matter, and you believe the lie that mental illness feeds you that nothing will help you ever feel better. So I'm not surprised that many people with BPD, like with many other mental illnesses, don't always stick with treatment.
But it doesn't make us hopeless, and I know my case is a reason to have faith. I believe I've had BPD for at least 5 years now - I've been in states where I stay in bed for months, I've had periods where I've used food or medication or self-injury to numb my pain. I hit rock bottom six months ago and decided once and for all I wanted to get rid of this. And in those six months of treatment (individual and group therapy along with a DBT workbook) I have already made great strides.
One of the first things my therapist told me is that BPD is a condition that people can learn to treat and live with, and that for some people eventually recover from it completely!!! And I know she was right, because I'm doing better and there is so much research out there showing that recovery is possible:
One of the biggest myths have to do with whether BPD is something that people can recover from. One of these myths is that BPD is incurable. In fact, until several years ago, people thought that once you had BPD, you were stuck with it for life. However, we now know that this is not true, and that BPD actually has a very good prognosis. In fact, recent research suggests that people are more likely to recover from BPD than from bipolar disorder. The second myth related to this idea that BPD is incurable is the idea that BPD is untreatable, and that treatments don’t work for people with this disorder. Just like with the other myth, this is definitely not true. In fact, we now know that people with BPD can make incredible progress in short periods of time when treated with therapies developed specifically for BPD.
-Dr. Alexander L. Chapman (full interview here)
I've been addicted to a new favorite song, "Who Says" by John Mayer, simply because of the following lines, a great reminder for me that no matter what people say, there is hope for me:
Who says I can't be free
From all the things that I used to be?
Rewrite my history,
Who says I can't be free???
Call me an optimist (with BPD?!?! Yes, its possible) but I just don't think "poor outlook" is the way to define the condition of me or any of my new-found friends with BPD. I believe there is hope, that we can have faith for brighter futures.
Yes, I am sure that many borderlines don't always follow their treatment plan, but treatment isn't black-and-white. It's not like developing an infection, where you go to the doctor, get some tests, and takes some pills and get better. Treatment takes a long time, its a long hard road. And by the very nature of mental illness, you stop caring very much for yourself and your health, and you do things that are unhealthy for you....its just as easy to skip out on therapy as it is to self injure or withdraw from your loved ones. If you have a physical illness and stop taking your medication, you feel worse and you know you have to take your meds to feel better. But when you have a mental illness, and you're not following treatment, you just don't care - you don't matter, you're health doesn't matter, and you believe the lie that mental illness feeds you that nothing will help you ever feel better. So I'm not surprised that many people with BPD, like with many other mental illnesses, don't always stick with treatment.
But it doesn't make us hopeless, and I know my case is a reason to have faith. I believe I've had BPD for at least 5 years now - I've been in states where I stay in bed for months, I've had periods where I've used food or medication or self-injury to numb my pain. I hit rock bottom six months ago and decided once and for all I wanted to get rid of this. And in those six months of treatment (individual and group therapy along with a DBT workbook) I have already made great strides.
One of the first things my therapist told me is that BPD is a condition that people can learn to treat and live with, and that for some people eventually recover from it completely!!! And I know she was right, because I'm doing better and there is so much research out there showing that recovery is possible:
One of the biggest myths have to do with whether BPD is something that people can recover from. One of these myths is that BPD is incurable. In fact, until several years ago, people thought that once you had BPD, you were stuck with it for life. However, we now know that this is not true, and that BPD actually has a very good prognosis. In fact, recent research suggests that people are more likely to recover from BPD than from bipolar disorder. The second myth related to this idea that BPD is incurable is the idea that BPD is untreatable, and that treatments don’t work for people with this disorder. Just like with the other myth, this is definitely not true. In fact, we now know that people with BPD can make incredible progress in short periods of time when treated with therapies developed specifically for BPD.
-Dr. Alexander L. Chapman (full interview here)
I've been addicted to a new favorite song, "Who Says" by John Mayer, simply because of the following lines, a great reminder for me that no matter what people say, there is hope for me:
Who says I can't be free
From all the things that I used to be?
Rewrite my history,
Who says I can't be free???
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Home Sick
I've been sick for over a month now, and I'm getting so irritated about it that I just need to write a post about it!!
It started 6 weeks ago when I came down with the flu (possibly H1N1). As soon as I knew I had the flu and not just a cold, I called my doctor to get on Tamiflu, since I am asthmatic. My flu symptoms cleared up in a few days, but my shortness of breath and tight chest did not, so I went to urgent are, where the doctor said my asthma was aggravated and put me on prednisone, which helped a bit with the first dose, but soon as I started weaning off of it the symptoms came back. It made me feel really depressed at first too.
After the course of prednisone I was still having the same trouble, so I went to my own doctor, who said you can have asthma symptoms for 4-6 weeks after the flu. Just in case I did have a respiratory infetion, he gave me an antibiotic too. Over the next week or so I started breathing a little better, but still not 100%.
After the course of antibiotics, I was STILL having wheezing and shortness of breath, but had also develop a sore throat and was having some slight hoarseness. Since it was over the Thanksgiving break, I went into urgent care where THIRD doctor told me it was probably just my asthma, and gave me another round of prednisone, this time a higher dose.
Just this past week, I called my doctor to ask for Advair, which has helped a lot with my asthma in the past. I am taking that, but my sore throat had gotten worse and I am losing my voice.
I honestly do not know WHAT is going on with my body right now. I'm not convinced that this is just my asthma - I have moderate asthma - mostly just slight wheezing and prone to respiratory infections. I have NEVER had a problem this bad in the 15 years since I've been diagnosed with asthma!
Between this and the chronic daily headaches I developed several months ago, I am so tired of feeling so sick all the time.
The WORST part of it for me, is that I end up staying home so much of the time, and after six weeks of it I'm starting to get depressed. I try to work when I can. On the upside, being a substitute teacher, I can more or less set my own hours. On the downside, being a subsistute teacher requires a strong voice and quite a bit of energy, neither of which I have right now. So I'm missing out on a lot of work. And sitting at home by myself makes me feel depressed. And knowing that I am missing out on the chance to make money makes me feel more depressed.
I don't know what to do? Go back to my doctor? Go to the E.R.? I need this to end before I start sinking down any further!!
It started 6 weeks ago when I came down with the flu (possibly H1N1). As soon as I knew I had the flu and not just a cold, I called my doctor to get on Tamiflu, since I am asthmatic. My flu symptoms cleared up in a few days, but my shortness of breath and tight chest did not, so I went to urgent are, where the doctor said my asthma was aggravated and put me on prednisone, which helped a bit with the first dose, but soon as I started weaning off of it the symptoms came back. It made me feel really depressed at first too.
After the course of prednisone I was still having the same trouble, so I went to my own doctor, who said you can have asthma symptoms for 4-6 weeks after the flu. Just in case I did have a respiratory infetion, he gave me an antibiotic too. Over the next week or so I started breathing a little better, but still not 100%.
After the course of antibiotics, I was STILL having wheezing and shortness of breath, but had also develop a sore throat and was having some slight hoarseness. Since it was over the Thanksgiving break, I went into urgent care where THIRD doctor told me it was probably just my asthma, and gave me another round of prednisone, this time a higher dose.
Just this past week, I called my doctor to ask for Advair, which has helped a lot with my asthma in the past. I am taking that, but my sore throat had gotten worse and I am losing my voice.
I honestly do not know WHAT is going on with my body right now. I'm not convinced that this is just my asthma - I have moderate asthma - mostly just slight wheezing and prone to respiratory infections. I have NEVER had a problem this bad in the 15 years since I've been diagnosed with asthma!
Between this and the chronic daily headaches I developed several months ago, I am so tired of feeling so sick all the time.
The WORST part of it for me, is that I end up staying home so much of the time, and after six weeks of it I'm starting to get depressed. I try to work when I can. On the upside, being a substitute teacher, I can more or less set my own hours. On the downside, being a subsistute teacher requires a strong voice and quite a bit of energy, neither of which I have right now. So I'm missing out on a lot of work. And sitting at home by myself makes me feel depressed. And knowing that I am missing out on the chance to make money makes me feel more depressed.
I don't know what to do? Go back to my doctor? Go to the E.R.? I need this to end before I start sinking down any further!!
Autobiography (A First Draft)
My community mental health center is awesome (and having gone through therapy since I was 8, I've been more than my fair share of CMHs!) Besides a great staff, they offer so many wonderful programs, like a walk-in center where people can go to just hang out and even an art therapy group. Best of all, these programs are in place thanks to the efforts of others who have or are still going through recovery for mental health issues. I am hoping to get more involved in things after the holidays wind down (and also the infection I've been fighting for the last month clears up), but I am starting by contributing to the photo-biography project. Published in an annual periodical and/or on display at the center, the biographies, artwork, photos and writings of many clients are shared to show the world that recovery is possible. I am going still taking photographs for mine, but ever the writer, here is what I have written so far:
I saw my first counselor when I was eight years old. Even today, I don’t know why my parents decided to take me to one, but it probably had to do with my shyness, anxieties and trouble fitting in at school. Either way, from that point on I would always be different from the other kids I knew. I had a few friends but had little in common with most kids my age. I went to counseling for years. Then, at 12, I had my first hospitalization after a threat to commit suicide.
Despite my problems, I always thought I had a good life. I had a family who loved me, despite our problems. We went to church regularly and my faith gave me strength that probably saved my life. I was able to attend a small private school which met my needs both academically and emotionally. In the years when depression left me, I had friends and had some great life experiences. But there was always one difference: sometimes I had a happy, perfect life, and other times I would get so depressed I couldn’t go on.
My relationships helped push me toward seeing my problems and recovering from them. I’ve always been a romantic and believer in love at first sight, and I am intensely attached when I fall in love. Breaking up with my high school/college sweetheart after 4 years together sent me into a year-long period of detachment, which ended with a complete breakdown that took a long time to mend. A few years later, I was in a very intense love/hate relationship that left me severely depressed. I found a low-income counselor and spent a year in therapy with her. She helped me analyze and work on many of my issues such abandonment and inappropriate relationships. Yet as I left her and time went by, the depression always came back and went away, sometimes so quickly it was scary. I still knew I was different, that there was something more wrong with me.
One day I was doing internet search on what was bothering me, I ran across the condition “Borderline Personality Disorder.” Reading the symptoms was like looking in a mirror: chaotic relationships, intense anger, impulsivity, rapidly changing moods and even the tendency to self-injure. Deep down I knew this was what I had, yet with no health insurance and a low-paying job, I couldn’t afford to go anywhere for diagnosis or treatment. I also felt embarrassed about going to a doctor and telling them I knew what was wrong – as if I had no right to diagnose myself. So for years I rode the ups and downs, sometimes I insanely happy and then suicidal on the same day. One time I barely got out of bed for two months, and then that episode faded into a happy, upbeat me.
One summer everything changed – after ending a chaotic friendship and facing more family struggles, I was sick of my problems! During that time I was practically living in my bed, feeling hurt all the time. called the Northern Lakes community mental health and I met with my new therapist who immediately saw my symptoms as BPD. In that moment, everything changed. I knew for certain what made me so different, and I was ready to step into recovery.
Like everything in my life, even my recovery seems different. It seems to be happening so fast. I’m seeing my counselor, visiting groups, and working thorough a DBT therapy workbook. I’m rapidly learning how to cope with my emotions and handle the aspects of BPD that affect my life and relationships. That is a good thing, but sometimes it’s scary. I don’t know if BDP will ever leave me, and I have no idea when the symptoms will strike again. But this time something else will be different – I know who I am, and with the new skills I am learning, I will be ready.
I saw my first counselor when I was eight years old. Even today, I don’t know why my parents decided to take me to one, but it probably had to do with my shyness, anxieties and trouble fitting in at school. Either way, from that point on I would always be different from the other kids I knew. I had a few friends but had little in common with most kids my age. I went to counseling for years. Then, at 12, I had my first hospitalization after a threat to commit suicide.
Despite my problems, I always thought I had a good life. I had a family who loved me, despite our problems. We went to church regularly and my faith gave me strength that probably saved my life. I was able to attend a small private school which met my needs both academically and emotionally. In the years when depression left me, I had friends and had some great life experiences. But there was always one difference: sometimes I had a happy, perfect life, and other times I would get so depressed I couldn’t go on.
My relationships helped push me toward seeing my problems and recovering from them. I’ve always been a romantic and believer in love at first sight, and I am intensely attached when I fall in love. Breaking up with my high school/college sweetheart after 4 years together sent me into a year-long period of detachment, which ended with a complete breakdown that took a long time to mend. A few years later, I was in a very intense love/hate relationship that left me severely depressed. I found a low-income counselor and spent a year in therapy with her. She helped me analyze and work on many of my issues such abandonment and inappropriate relationships. Yet as I left her and time went by, the depression always came back and went away, sometimes so quickly it was scary. I still knew I was different, that there was something more wrong with me.
One day I was doing internet search on what was bothering me, I ran across the condition “Borderline Personality Disorder.” Reading the symptoms was like looking in a mirror: chaotic relationships, intense anger, impulsivity, rapidly changing moods and even the tendency to self-injure. Deep down I knew this was what I had, yet with no health insurance and a low-paying job, I couldn’t afford to go anywhere for diagnosis or treatment. I also felt embarrassed about going to a doctor and telling them I knew what was wrong – as if I had no right to diagnose myself. So for years I rode the ups and downs, sometimes I insanely happy and then suicidal on the same day. One time I barely got out of bed for two months, and then that episode faded into a happy, upbeat me.
One summer everything changed – after ending a chaotic friendship and facing more family struggles, I was sick of my problems! During that time I was practically living in my bed, feeling hurt all the time. called the Northern Lakes community mental health and I met with my new therapist who immediately saw my symptoms as BPD. In that moment, everything changed. I knew for certain what made me so different, and I was ready to step into recovery.
Like everything in my life, even my recovery seems different. It seems to be happening so fast. I’m seeing my counselor, visiting groups, and working thorough a DBT therapy workbook. I’m rapidly learning how to cope with my emotions and handle the aspects of BPD that affect my life and relationships. That is a good thing, but sometimes it’s scary. I don’t know if BDP will ever leave me, and I have no idea when the symptoms will strike again. But this time something else will be different – I know who I am, and with the new skills I am learning, I will be ready.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
"You're Not a Bad Guy"
Another TV quote today, this time from a rerun of Grey's Anatomy. It is amazing how much BPD wisdom I find in that show!! (well, among other shows I love to watch!) What a great reminder to us that the world is NOT black and white, that our loved ones are not the "bad guys" every time they make a mistake, and most importantly, that we're not "bad guys" when we screw up either!!!
(quote context: George O'Malley is talking to Dr. Bailey after it is found out he cheated on his wife, Callie, with Izzy)
Bailey: O'Malley...look, you're not a bad guy. And I don't mean to let you off the hook entirely, because what you did was unkind and hurtful and wrong. But you're not a bad guy. I'm...I'm just saying, it...it takes two. To reach the point you reached in your marriage, it takes two. I mean...I mean, I'm here late at night, Halloween, helping an earless boy get ears, and my husband wants to act like that isn't an important thing. He wants to act like...it isn't a good thing that I did today. Now that isn't just on me. That's him wanting things to be the way he wants. That's him wanting things to be purely black-and-white. I mean, I missed my son's first Halloween, and my heart is aching inside of my chest, but, you know, that doesn't mean anything. It...it doesn't count because in a black-and-white world, I simply didn't make it home, and that makes me the bad guy. You know, always. I'm always the bad guy. You hear what I'm saying?
George: Sorry you missed your son's first Halloween.
Bailey: Look, what I'm saying to you is...okay, I was there. All right? I was there the day your father died. I was there when you came back from Vegas, married after a week and...all I'm saying is...it's not black-and-white...and you're not a bad guy.
(quote context: George O'Malley is talking to Dr. Bailey after it is found out he cheated on his wife, Callie, with Izzy)
Bailey: O'Malley...look, you're not a bad guy. And I don't mean to let you off the hook entirely, because what you did was unkind and hurtful and wrong. But you're not a bad guy. I'm...I'm just saying, it...it takes two. To reach the point you reached in your marriage, it takes two. I mean...I mean, I'm here late at night, Halloween, helping an earless boy get ears, and my husband wants to act like that isn't an important thing. He wants to act like...it isn't a good thing that I did today. Now that isn't just on me. That's him wanting things to be the way he wants. That's him wanting things to be purely black-and-white. I mean, I missed my son's first Halloween, and my heart is aching inside of my chest, but, you know, that doesn't mean anything. It...it doesn't count because in a black-and-white world, I simply didn't make it home, and that makes me the bad guy. You know, always. I'm always the bad guy. You hear what I'm saying?
George: Sorry you missed your son's first Halloween.
Bailey: Look, what I'm saying to you is...okay, I was there. All right? I was there the day your father died. I was there when you came back from Vegas, married after a week and...all I'm saying is...it's not black-and-white...and you're not a bad guy.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Scars
A great quote tonight from the TV show Criminal Minds:
"Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going."
Such a great (and true) quote that I don't even have to say much about it: whether it be emotional or physical scars (self-injury being so prominent in BPD), we can look at our scars and remember the painful past that we've had the strength to overcome. Then, we can change our own futures.
"Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going."
Such a great (and true) quote that I don't even have to say much about it: whether it be emotional or physical scars (self-injury being so prominent in BPD), we can look at our scars and remember the painful past that we've had the strength to overcome. Then, we can change our own futures.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Love in Black and White
Last night I had a bad dream, and it reminded me of who I am.
::begin dream sequence::
I was in the store where I used to work, cleaning up and putting things away as it was closing down. This guy came in talking to me, and it was clear in the dream that we were dating. After work, I drove to my dad's old house, where I was going to also to box things up and put them away (I watched the show Hoarders before bed, so I can see where this came from).
When I got to the house, this guy was in his car in the driveway with another girl, so I drove away feeling very hurt that he had chosen her over me. I came back to the house sometime later - his car was gone so I went inside and went to work. Soon, he came storming into the house with a bouquet of flowers he had picked and told me he was wrong to ever be with her, that I was the one he wanted. The next few scenes were a blur, but it was obvious to dream-me that we were engaged and we were fixing up this house for us to live in.
And all I felt was sadness. I was sad, because I knew I was not in love with this man, and did not want to settle down and get married. But I continued to work on the house, because I knew he was a good man and he loved me. He was so good I could not even tell him that the bunch of flowers he picked for me were lavender - the plant I am most highly allergic to. I woke up with an overwhelming sense of sadness at this dream.
Besides feeling sad when I woke up, I couldn't help but realize how much the dream paralleled who I really am. Like many borderlines, love and relationships for me are chaotic and fueled by my emotions. When I meet someone, if there is a spark I fall madly in love. If there is no spark, there is very little chance that I will ever be able to feel anything for the person. I haven't dated in three years because I've only felt for one person during that time, and even if he had felt the same way towards me I knew it would have been an unhealthy relationship to pursue. And as much as I would love to find someone to share my time with, I know that unless it just happens to be one of the rare fish in the sea that I fall in love with, I am afraid that I am doomed to feel as I felt in my dream - stuck in a relationship where I am not in love.
Like many relationships in the BPD world, love is black and white for me - all or nothing. And I don't know how to cope with that, or if I will ever learn how.
::begin dream sequence::
I was in the store where I used to work, cleaning up and putting things away as it was closing down. This guy came in talking to me, and it was clear in the dream that we were dating. After work, I drove to my dad's old house, where I was going to also to box things up and put them away (I watched the show Hoarders before bed, so I can see where this came from).
When I got to the house, this guy was in his car in the driveway with another girl, so I drove away feeling very hurt that he had chosen her over me. I came back to the house sometime later - his car was gone so I went inside and went to work. Soon, he came storming into the house with a bouquet of flowers he had picked and told me he was wrong to ever be with her, that I was the one he wanted. The next few scenes were a blur, but it was obvious to dream-me that we were engaged and we were fixing up this house for us to live in.
And all I felt was sadness. I was sad, because I knew I was not in love with this man, and did not want to settle down and get married. But I continued to work on the house, because I knew he was a good man and he loved me. He was so good I could not even tell him that the bunch of flowers he picked for me were lavender - the plant I am most highly allergic to. I woke up with an overwhelming sense of sadness at this dream.
Besides feeling sad when I woke up, I couldn't help but realize how much the dream paralleled who I really am. Like many borderlines, love and relationships for me are chaotic and fueled by my emotions. When I meet someone, if there is a spark I fall madly in love. If there is no spark, there is very little chance that I will ever be able to feel anything for the person. I haven't dated in three years because I've only felt for one person during that time, and even if he had felt the same way towards me I knew it would have been an unhealthy relationship to pursue. And as much as I would love to find someone to share my time with, I know that unless it just happens to be one of the rare fish in the sea that I fall in love with, I am afraid that I am doomed to feel as I felt in my dream - stuck in a relationship where I am not in love.
Like many relationships in the BPD world, love is black and white for me - all or nothing. And I don't know how to cope with that, or if I will ever learn how.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Somedays I Freak Out
Yeah...so...somedays I just completely lose it. I came close today. Outwardly I held it together but inside I was a mess. I've been sick for over a month now (asthma complications from the flu) and am not getting better and I'm so frustrated because not only does it feel so uncomfortable to breathe everyday, but I also have this raspy voice that I have to force out (when I am normally a loud person). And working in a room full of 5 year olds all day long wore my voice, as well as my patience, thin. And everything that could go wrong today, did. I was worried about some financial problems. My hormones began their monthly freakout. The clothes I decided looked okay on me at home looked weird when I got to work. The roads were not plowed on my way to work and I straggled in 3 minutes before my starting time. The sidewalk had not been shoveled at work (at 11:50 am? really?) and I had to walk through the snow and get cold wet feet. So by the time I got home today I was feeling scattered and freaked out.
I thought about using some of my mindfullness and coping exercises to ease my craziness. In a way, I did - as soon as I got home I ate a big bowl of mashed potatoes. It did help me feel better, but since emotional eating is not a healthy coping strategy for me I suppose I should have turned to something else to calm me down. In fact, I just may go sit in my chair and listen to one of the mindfulness exercises I have recorded on my MP3 (from The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook). Last time, it worked well, and made me feel a lot better. Actually, now that I think about it, writing here in my blog has helped me feel better too, and its a positive coping strategy. Yay me!!!
One last thought...as I was driving home, I remembered how many times I've freaked out over finances - overdrawn bank accounts, late rent, etc. When it happens, I almost always go into emotional overdrive - I began to cry and worry and lose focus and try to get someone else to fix the problem for me. But I thought about how ineffective I am at solving the problem when I'm in freakout mode. Even if the bank's closed for the day or I can't pay my bill, letting myself get so worked up I get physically ill doesn't help anyone. So I am hoping that , in the future - as I become more fiscally responsible - I can use my new emotional regulation skills to handle my financial ups and downs without detriment to my mental health.
I thought about using some of my mindfullness and coping exercises to ease my craziness. In a way, I did - as soon as I got home I ate a big bowl of mashed potatoes. It did help me feel better, but since emotional eating is not a healthy coping strategy for me I suppose I should have turned to something else to calm me down. In fact, I just may go sit in my chair and listen to one of the mindfulness exercises I have recorded on my MP3 (from The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook). Last time, it worked well, and made me feel a lot better. Actually, now that I think about it, writing here in my blog has helped me feel better too, and its a positive coping strategy. Yay me!!!
One last thought...as I was driving home, I remembered how many times I've freaked out over finances - overdrawn bank accounts, late rent, etc. When it happens, I almost always go into emotional overdrive - I began to cry and worry and lose focus and try to get someone else to fix the problem for me. But I thought about how ineffective I am at solving the problem when I'm in freakout mode. Even if the bank's closed for the day or I can't pay my bill, letting myself get so worked up I get physically ill doesn't help anyone. So I am hoping that , in the future - as I become more fiscally responsible - I can use my new emotional regulation skills to handle my financial ups and downs without detriment to my mental health.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
The Face of BPD - Part 9 of 9
Part 9 of my nine part series of what the diagnostic criteria (symptoms) of BPD look like in my own life.
Criteria 9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms
I have felt completely out of it today. More than just feeling tired, I feel sort of empty and disconnected, unable to focus. So although I don't know how well I'll be able to gather information and write on dissociation, I'm going to try anyway.
I've avoided writing on this last part of BPD because I don't fully understand it, nor do I know that it applies to me. In sitting down and doing some research, however, I think that I do perhaps show some mild symptoms of dissociation and paranoia. For example, while reading the following web site, I came across the following definition:
Dissociation may affect a person subjectively in the form of “made” thoughts, feelings, and actions. These are thoughts or emotions seemingly coming out of nowhere, or finding oneself carrying out an action as if it were controlled by a force other than oneself (Dell, 2001). Typically, a person feels “taken over” by an emotion that does not seem to makes sense at the time. Feeling suddenly, unbearably sad, without an apparent reason, and then having the sadness leave in much the same manner as it came, is an example.Or someone may find himself or herself doing something that they would not normally do but unable to stop themselves, almost as if they are being compelled to do it. This is sometimes described as the experience of being a “passenger” in one’s body, rather than the driver.
How many instances I've recounted where I feel "controlled" by my emotions, and how often do I do things out of the ordinary when my feelings are at the wheel!? And as I think about it, these instances are sparked by stress.
I wonder about my own paranoid thoughts. I've seen the most tragic depths of paranoia - people who so fear the world that it has cost them their lives. Obviously, I am lucky to not struggle with such an issue, but I wonder if my intense and constant self-consciousness, my feeling that someone can see all the silly and stupid things I do, is a form of paranoia in itself.
And I wonder too, how much effect my growing ability to regulate my emotions and deal with stress will have on any dissociative symptoms I have displayed (and I'm sure there have been many, since I strongly suspect that I've had BPD for five years now).
So, as I continue to recover and learn about myself and my condition, I am sure I will learn more about this aspect of it. In the meantime, if anyone out there has stories or information on their own dissociation or paranoia (or that of someone you know), I would love to hear the stories.
full list of BPD criteria here
Criteria 9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms
I have felt completely out of it today. More than just feeling tired, I feel sort of empty and disconnected, unable to focus. So although I don't know how well I'll be able to gather information and write on dissociation, I'm going to try anyway.
I've avoided writing on this last part of BPD because I don't fully understand it, nor do I know that it applies to me. In sitting down and doing some research, however, I think that I do perhaps show some mild symptoms of dissociation and paranoia. For example, while reading the following web site, I came across the following definition:
Dissociation may affect a person subjectively in the form of “made” thoughts, feelings, and actions. These are thoughts or emotions seemingly coming out of nowhere, or finding oneself carrying out an action as if it were controlled by a force other than oneself (Dell, 2001). Typically, a person feels “taken over” by an emotion that does not seem to makes sense at the time. Feeling suddenly, unbearably sad, without an apparent reason, and then having the sadness leave in much the same manner as it came, is an example.Or someone may find himself or herself doing something that they would not normally do but unable to stop themselves, almost as if they are being compelled to do it. This is sometimes described as the experience of being a “passenger” in one’s body, rather than the driver.
How many instances I've recounted where I feel "controlled" by my emotions, and how often do I do things out of the ordinary when my feelings are at the wheel!? And as I think about it, these instances are sparked by stress.
I wonder about my own paranoid thoughts. I've seen the most tragic depths of paranoia - people who so fear the world that it has cost them their lives. Obviously, I am lucky to not struggle with such an issue, but I wonder if my intense and constant self-consciousness, my feeling that someone can see all the silly and stupid things I do, is a form of paranoia in itself.
And I wonder too, how much effect my growing ability to regulate my emotions and deal with stress will have on any dissociative symptoms I have displayed (and I'm sure there have been many, since I strongly suspect that I've had BPD for five years now).
So, as I continue to recover and learn about myself and my condition, I am sure I will learn more about this aspect of it. In the meantime, if anyone out there has stories or information on their own dissociation or paranoia (or that of someone you know), I would love to hear the stories.
full list of BPD criteria here
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Good Choice Day
So I was so excited about writing a little series of posts about all of my BPD symptoms, then about halfway through I ran out of steam and just got irritated with doing it. Besides, the last entry deals with dysphoria and psychosis and I don't even want to think about that, so I'm gonna go against my perfectionist nature of doing everything by the book, and just write today.
Today I made a good choice. I went to work. That may seem like a small thing, but for me it is still a struggle (even though my therapist tells me I've come so far in recovery)
I probably have the worst job for someone who has BPD - I' m a substitute teacher, so I'm on call all the time. Its so easy just to not answer the phone or check the Internet site to accept a work assignment for the day. With a "normal" job the accountability of a boss and coworkers would probably keep me there everyday, but in my job there is no one to know whether I simply wasn't available to work that day, or if I am really just hiding. Even when I know I need the money and I know I need to be out of the house working, the temptation to either stay at home all alone or just curl up in bed all day is so great, and so many times it overcomes me.
Last night, I dreamt of someone who hurt me terribly and who I do not talk to anymore. In fact, I had two dreams about this person. So I woke up feeling raw and slightly angry. All day I've just tried to put it out of my head and think about something else, but it made me not want to go to work. But I am glad I did - my job this afternoon was easy and even a little bit fun.
So, I'm calling today Good Choice Day.
Today I made a good choice. I went to work. That may seem like a small thing, but for me it is still a struggle (even though my therapist tells me I've come so far in recovery)
I probably have the worst job for someone who has BPD - I' m a substitute teacher, so I'm on call all the time. Its so easy just to not answer the phone or check the Internet site to accept a work assignment for the day. With a "normal" job the accountability of a boss and coworkers would probably keep me there everyday, but in my job there is no one to know whether I simply wasn't available to work that day, or if I am really just hiding. Even when I know I need the money and I know I need to be out of the house working, the temptation to either stay at home all alone or just curl up in bed all day is so great, and so many times it overcomes me.
Last night, I dreamt of someone who hurt me terribly and who I do not talk to anymore. In fact, I had two dreams about this person. So I woke up feeling raw and slightly angry. All day I've just tried to put it out of my head and think about something else, but it made me not want to go to work. But I am glad I did - my job this afternoon was easy and even a little bit fun.
So, I'm calling today Good Choice Day.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
The Face of BPD - Part 8 of 9
Part 8 of my nine part series of what the diagnostic criteria (symptoms) of BPD look like in my own life.
(I am ready to finish up this series and write more about my day to day life!!!) :-)
Criteria 8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
If you look at me or have just gotten to know me, you would never peg me as someone with an anger issue. My outward personality tends to be happy-go-lucky and I am a bit on the shy and quiet side. I love working with children, Victorian decorating, and playing in the snow. I seem to be the polar opposite of what an angry person would be like.
But the right combination of factors can set me off. When you put together situations that I am especially sensitive to (like cheating in relationships or lying to a friend), a recent line of stressors, and physical difficulties (being tired or having PMS), the mixture can be brutal.
These are the times when I don't have anger issues, anger issues have me. I'm completely controlled by my emotions, and even hurt, betrayal, sadness or loss can manifest itself as my default emotion, anger. In fact, my anger is so prevalent that I can wake up in the morning and with no outside reminder or trigger, remember something that happened months or years ago that made me angry, and I'll be seething all day long.
My anger is exactly who the DSM describe it for borderlines. The intensity can be unreal - at times its feels like my entire body is being electrocuted and I can't stop shaking. My mind thinks of nothing but how angry I am, and what I need to do to stop this terrible feeling. But all too often, the anger really is inappropriate. The wrong that's been done to me might not even be real, it may just be something I've assumed someone had done. Or it might be a small mistake or issue that my mind has blown completely out of proportion. The amount of anger I had is disproportionately larger than whatever has happened. But at these times, I lose it, and as I result I lash out - either at myself or another person, if they are involved. Either way, the end result is the same: me and possibly someone else get hurt. I either have an argument with someone (in which I say the most uncharacteristic things) which hurts my relationship with the person and might even hurt the person themselves. Either that, or I end up withdrawing from others and doing something that will hurt myself (such as self-injury).
Its been about 4 months since I've had a big, blown-out anger attack, yet I've had so many throughout my life, and they've shaped who I am today. As I work my way through DBT and learn how to regulate my emotions and tolerate stress, I know that the little skills that are helping me to deal with little moments of stress, irritation, or sadness will be ingrained in me when another big issue strikes me again. But the next time, for the first time, I will be ready.
full list of BPD criteria here
(I am ready to finish up this series and write more about my day to day life!!!) :-)
Criteria 8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
If you look at me or have just gotten to know me, you would never peg me as someone with an anger issue. My outward personality tends to be happy-go-lucky and I am a bit on the shy and quiet side. I love working with children, Victorian decorating, and playing in the snow. I seem to be the polar opposite of what an angry person would be like.
But the right combination of factors can set me off. When you put together situations that I am especially sensitive to (like cheating in relationships or lying to a friend), a recent line of stressors, and physical difficulties (being tired or having PMS), the mixture can be brutal.
These are the times when I don't have anger issues, anger issues have me. I'm completely controlled by my emotions, and even hurt, betrayal, sadness or loss can manifest itself as my default emotion, anger. In fact, my anger is so prevalent that I can wake up in the morning and with no outside reminder or trigger, remember something that happened months or years ago that made me angry, and I'll be seething all day long.
My anger is exactly who the DSM describe it for borderlines. The intensity can be unreal - at times its feels like my entire body is being electrocuted and I can't stop shaking. My mind thinks of nothing but how angry I am, and what I need to do to stop this terrible feeling. But all too often, the anger really is inappropriate. The wrong that's been done to me might not even be real, it may just be something I've assumed someone had done. Or it might be a small mistake or issue that my mind has blown completely out of proportion. The amount of anger I had is disproportionately larger than whatever has happened. But at these times, I lose it, and as I result I lash out - either at myself or another person, if they are involved. Either way, the end result is the same: me and possibly someone else get hurt. I either have an argument with someone (in which I say the most uncharacteristic things) which hurts my relationship with the person and might even hurt the person themselves. Either that, or I end up withdrawing from others and doing something that will hurt myself (such as self-injury).
Its been about 4 months since I've had a big, blown-out anger attack, yet I've had so many throughout my life, and they've shaped who I am today. As I work my way through DBT and learn how to regulate my emotions and tolerate stress, I know that the little skills that are helping me to deal with little moments of stress, irritation, or sadness will be ingrained in me when another big issue strikes me again. But the next time, for the first time, I will be ready.
full list of BPD criteria here
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