Love in Black and White

Last night I had a bad dream, and it reminded me of who I am.

::begin dream sequence::
I was in the store where I used to work, cleaning up and putting things away as it was closing down. This guy came in talking to me, and it was clear in the dream that we were dating. After work, I drove to my dad's old house, where I was going to also to box things up and put them away (I watched the show Hoarders before bed, so I can see where this came from).

When I got to the house, this guy was in his car in the driveway with another girl, so I drove away feeling very hurt that he had chosen her over me. I came back to the house sometime later - his car was gone so I went inside and went to work. Soon, he came storming into the house with a bouquet of flowers he had picked and told me he was wrong to ever be with her, that I was the one he wanted. The next few scenes were a blur, but it was obvious to dream-me that we were engaged and we were fixing up this house for us to live in.

And all I felt was sadness. I was sad, because I knew I was not in love with this man, and did not want to settle down and get married. But I continued to work on the house, because I knew he was a good man and he loved me. He was so good I could not even tell him that the bunch of flowers he picked for me were lavender - the plant I am most highly allergic to. I woke up with an overwhelming sense of sadness at this dream.

Besides feeling sad when I woke up, I couldn't help but realize how much the dream paralleled who I really am. Like many borderlines, love and relationships for me are chaotic and fueled by my emotions. When I meet someone, if there is a spark I fall madly in love. If there is no spark, there is very little chance that I will ever be able to feel anything for the person. I haven't dated in three years because I've only felt for one person during that time, and even if he had felt the same way towards me I knew it would have been an unhealthy relationship to pursue. And as much as I would love to find someone to share my time with, I know that unless it just happens to be one of the rare fish in the sea that I fall in love with, I am afraid that I am doomed to feel as I felt in my dream - stuck in a relationship where I am not in love.

Like many relationships in the BPD world, love is black and white for me - all or nothing. And I don't know how to cope with that, or if I will ever learn how.