The Face of BPD - Part 9 of 9

Part 9 of my nine part series of what the diagnostic criteria (symptoms) of BPD look like in my own life.

Criteria 9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

I have felt completely out of it today. More than just feeling tired, I feel sort of empty and disconnected, unable to focus. So although I don't know how well I'll be able to gather information and write on dissociation, I'm going to try anyway.

I've avoided writing on this last part of BPD because I don't fully understand it, nor do I know that it applies to me. In sitting down and doing some research, however, I think that I do perhaps show some mild symptoms of dissociation and paranoia. For example, while reading the following web site, I came across the following definition:

Dissociation may affect a person subjectively in the form of “made” thoughts, feelings, and actions. These are thoughts or emotions seemingly coming out of nowhere, or finding oneself carrying out an action as if it were controlled by a force other than oneself (Dell, 2001). Typically, a person feels “taken over” by an emotion that does not seem to makes sense at the time. Feeling suddenly, unbearably sad, without an apparent reason, and then having the sadness leave in much the same manner as it came, is an example.Or someone may find himself or herself doing something that they would not normally do but unable to stop themselves, almost as if they are being compelled to do it. This is sometimes described as the experience of being a “passenger” in one’s body, rather than the driver.

How many instances I've recounted where I feel "controlled" by my emotions, and how often do I do things out of the ordinary when my feelings are at the wheel!? And as I think about it, these instances are sparked by stress.

I wonder about my own paranoid thoughts. I've seen the most tragic depths of paranoia - people who so fear the world that it has cost them their lives. Obviously, I am lucky to not struggle with such an issue, but I wonder if my intense and constant self-consciousness, my feeling that someone can see all the silly and stupid things I do, is a form of paranoia in itself.

And I wonder too, how much effect my growing ability to regulate my emotions and deal with stress will have on any dissociative symptoms I have displayed (and I'm sure there have been many, since I strongly suspect that I've had BPD for five years now).

So, as I continue to recover and learn about myself and my condition, I am sure I will learn more about this aspect of it. In the meantime, if anyone out there has stories or information on their own dissociation or paranoia (or that of someone you know), I would love to hear the stories.

full list of BPD criteria here