Good Choice Day

So I was so excited about writing a little series of posts about all of my BPD symptoms, then about halfway through I ran out of steam and just got irritated with doing it. Besides, the last entry deals with dysphoria and psychosis and I don't even want to think about that, so I'm gonna go against my perfectionist nature of doing everything by the book, and just write today.

Today I made a good choice. I went to work. That may seem like a small thing, but for me it is still a struggle (even though my therapist tells me I've come so far in recovery)

I probably have the worst job for someone who has BPD - I' m a substitute teacher, so I'm on call all the time. Its so easy just to not answer the phone or check the Internet site to accept a work assignment for the day. With a "normal" job the accountability of a boss and coworkers would probably keep me there everyday, but in my job there is no one to know whether I simply wasn't available to work that day, or if I am really just hiding. Even when I know I need the money and I know I need to be out of the house working, the temptation to either stay at home all alone or just curl up in bed all day is so great, and so many times it overcomes me.

Last night, I dreamt of someone who hurt me terribly and who I do not talk to anymore. In fact, I had two dreams about this person. So I woke up feeling raw and slightly angry. All day I've just tried to put it out of my head and think about something else, but it made me not want to go to work. But I am glad I did - my job this afternoon was easy and even a little bit fun.

So, I'm calling today Good Choice Day.