Back to Reality

I haven't written anything this week because I've been off in another world called Dysphoria. But I have returned and my little trip there is helping me understand myself a little better.

It seems to take so little for me to fall apart, and sometimes just the right combination of situations breaks me. This time, it was a combination of getting frustrated with my family, getting mad at people in the world who care more about judging than loving, and being stuck home for a few days with a respiratory infection.

I started last weekend out sick, then once again got so irritated when I had to deal with the crap that comes along with spending time with my family. So I dealt with it by just burying myself in bed, away from the pain and where the antibiotics could start to heal my sick body. But when I got on facebook and read some stupid careless messages from people who should know better, I snapped.

So I spent the first half of my week wandering around in a haze of emptiness.... for a moment or two I wondered why I even bother trying to be a decent person when I'm surrounded by so much hate and stupidity. But even those thoughts faded away as I slipped into complete apathy and quickly became detached from the rest of the world. For two days I skipped work (thankful I could use the infection as an excuse). I hid under the covers and binged on snacks and drive-thru fast food (after losing 5 lbs earlier this month). I numbed myself with endless amounts of TV and DVDs.

But yesterday, I forced myself to get up and go to work. It's only 3 hours, I told myself, so it should be easy. But it was literally one of the hardest things I've ever done. But I did it, grumpy and angry, and got it over with. And I am glad I did, because it brought me back into the real world, and changed me once again into a normal person.

Here's to the girls...with bruises and scars

Good meeting with my counselor today, but very emotional as I talked a LOT about some of the problems in my life and especially my family that have been gnawing at me lately, and that brought me to the point I was at when I decided to seek therapy in the first place. But every session is a reminder that I'm making good progress - this weekend, when I freaked out, I put into action a plan for dealing with my anger that resulted in...well, nothing. Nothing terrible happened because I got angry...I didn't ruin any relationships or hurt anyone. I went off, did my little distract/relax/cope routine, and my life went on. That's a long way from where I was just six months ago...and I am hopeful, always hopeful, that I'll learn more and be able to handle other overwhelming emotions like fear and stress, and move on even further in my life.

On my way home I was listening to music on my Ipod, but the lyrics from another song ("Anthem" by a fave band called Superchick) kept running through my head at the same time:

Here's to the girls on their boards with bruises and scars
Here's to the girls whose fingers bleed from playin' guitar
Here's to anyone who never quit when things got hard
You'll never let them say "you'll never get that far."

I love Superchick's songs about women being strong, and was thinking of those people - like skaters, guitarist, marathon runners, etc. - who work so hard it hurts to get what they want. Since I want to loose weight this year, I've been exercising so much and pushing myself so hard I've been sore and aching just about every day of 2010...and I've dropped 5 lbs because of it! For so long, I brushed aside exercising (even my favorite - running - after a severe sprained ankle) - because of the "pain". But I realized today the pain is sacred, it part of my progress, and it tells me I want something so bad that I'm sacrificing to get it.

Life is the same way - it hurts. And so does recovery. Sometimes you come home crying from a therapy session from all you unburdened yourself with. Sometimes you mess up and fall back into your old ways, and are left with the scars. But you can't fear that pain. Its part of you. Its sacred. Its the bleeding fingers of the avid guitarist, the shin splints of the Olympic athlete. Its the pain that reminds you what you're working towards, and the scars that will always remind you of where you've been. We have to feel the pain and cherish it as much as we have to never give up.

Today's Freak-Out

I freaked out today.

I'll spare you the details of the long hard weekend I've had, or how I'm still extremely hormonal even though my period is almost over, and all that happened today. But suffice it to say at one point, I was soooo upset and angry that I totally freaked out.

When the anger comes upon me, it feels like I'm being electrocuted. I can feel it burning through my body, through every blood vessel, through every nerve. The thing I wanted to do most was yell at some people and storm out. If I had done that, my life might have fallen apart yet again.

Instead, I thought about my DBT workbook, and did this: I locked myself in the bathroom, turned on the cold water in the tub, laid on the floor with a nice soft towel for a pillow, and counted backward from 100 by 7s. The whole time thoughts kept popping into my head about how angry I was, how unfair things were, and how I felt, but I just kept focusing on subtracting Its hard for me to do simple mental math because I cannot visualize numbers well, so it kept my mind distracted long enough for my body to calm down. Plus I also have this theory that since the logical part of your brain works with numbers, doing math problems activates this side when you're being illogical (which I am when my emotions take over). I just laid there counting till I got close to zero, not caring about anyone else in the house...then I listened to the water with my eyes closed and before I knew it the burning anger had gone away and told myself "I've gotten through this feeling before, I can get through it again." I emerged from my temporary little cocoon feeling a bit more normal. Maybe I'm not normal or didn't really feel normal, but I was able to go back into the world and function like I was normal.

I'm learning...

BPD, meet my Hormones, you two have a lot in common!

Maybe its because I'm a teacher and I like cute little graphic organizers like this, but I feel like my emotional life can be summed up in a big Venn Diagram. The pink side A is Borderline Personality Disorder, the blue side B is my hormones and my other lovely diagnosis, Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. The purple area, where they overlap, is just plain hell.

Today is my second day in the purple area. Sorry to all the guys who might be reading this, but today I'm gonna rant about my time-of-the-month problems.

I've had PMDD for years now, and have been on birth control pills for it many times. Because of the side effects I chose to go off the pill, and have only been treating my PMDD with progesterone cream. It helps a bit, for instance with it my cycle is 28 days instead of 32, which means less pre-menstrual days to go crazy. But, like the pill, it doesn't take away all of the symptoms, and some months the main symptoms I have, mood swings and disphoria, are worse than others. After a week of bloating and backaches I started on time yesterday morning - 28 days exactly, which I thought was a good sign. But I have been completely exhausted and out of it since yesterday morning too, and that sucks. Yesterday, I was soooo irritable I got frustrated that I couldn't even find something to do to keep my mind off how irritable I was: I tried reading, writing, painting, watching TV, working out...but each time I started a new activity I just got all angry and quit it. Its irrational, but that's how my mind works when its flooded with hormones.

And even though lately the BPD side has been pretty good (that's why I chose it to be pink in the Venn diagram) last night I got SOOO frustrated and overwhelmed with all the stuff I had to do I felt an emotional attack coming on. (For lack of words, I've decided to coin the term "emotional attack" to describe those times when my emotions take over and my logical brain checks out) I was tired, worn down from my period, and had so much to finish before I could go to bed, even though I was too worked up to go to bed. I am glad that one of my medications makes me sleepy, because once I took it I was able to conk out and sleep and sleep and wake up to a morning when, hopefully, I can watch the anger and chaos of purple fade to calm lavendar.

OMG, I CAN'T Stop...

Lately, I've been lagging on learning more about DBT skills and completing the exercises and learning experiences in my DBT workbook. I know at some point in the next few day's I'll be pulling a marathon in preperation for my monthly meeting with my therapist next week, so I'll have some progress to tell her about.

But in the meantime, I've been following the show "This Emotional Life" on facebook, and reading the blogs and articles, and this particular one regarding labels caught my attention: http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/blogs/i-am-broken-leg

I could talk quite a bit about how I often think of myself as "I am Borderline" rather than seeing myself as a person with BPD (in fact I recently changed my blog header to better reflect a healthy view of myself), but the part of this article that really jolted me was this:

A lot of times I see clients feeling ambivalent as they get better. “Wow, I feel so much happier” and yet “this feels so weird and uncomfortable…am I still me?” This ambivalence, which is quite normal, can lead people to stop treatment and relapse back into their symptoms. If, however, an individual can see that they happen to have a condition that isn’t who they are, it can be easier to become free from it.

I have been guilty of that ambivalence lately: I know I have gotten a lot better, and 98% of the time I feel pretty damn happy and good inside. In fact, I was supposed to join a DBT group that was finally starting back up in my area this month, but from the progress I've made working through the book, my therapist doesn't think I need too! I am happy that I have done so well. But all the same, I haven't been as dedicated working at my treatment like I should be, because I am not done yet - in fact I am only about halfway through DBT. Though I have learned as lot of great ways to tolerate distress and have become a much more mindful person, I still have to
learn more about emotional regulation and especially how to have healthy relationships. So, although I've come a long way, I'm convicted now that I need to hunker down and really continue to work.

This is especially important because I know that I will most likely be facing a situation soon where I am going to be seeing someone who really hurt me, and I know a relapse could come from that. The events with this person have really been popping into my mind lately, probably because I know what is coming up, so I need to get more focused and use those instances - when I remember what happened and my emotions swell up - to practice my new skills and control myself.

All the same, whether I AM a borderline or I HAVE borderline personality disorder, I am also in recovery...

Joy Comes in the Morning?

Why am I always in such bad shape in the mornings? I am always angry, or sad, or anxious, or self-deprecating...or all of the above. Everyday it makes me want to crawl back under the covers and hide from the world. But once I get up, and get out into the world...things are usually fine. I find that I am strong, that I am ok, that I can handle my emotions, and that I have value. And for the rest of the day I can usually face just about anything. But all that confidence and stability is somehow sucked away in my sleep...no matter how good of a day I have had, once I wake up the next morning, I feel worthless and scared and angry all over again. And the only thing that can remind me once again of who I really am is the one thing I least want to do - go out and face the world.

This is how I felt this morning, and I chanted my mantra as of late "Get up, show up, do it anyway" on my way to work. And, I truly did have a great day - drove home hanging on a compliment of how I was good at my job. So now I feel as if I can conqueror the world. But tomorrow morning will be another story.

Goodbye pills?

One of my goals for this year is to get myself healthier so I don't need to take so many medications. Currently, I take meds for asthma, allergies, high blood pressure, acid reflux along with two antidepressants, and I get sick of swallowing all those pills everyday! Now, I am hoping that if I lose weight I can get off the HBP meds. I'll probably always need some allergy/asthma meds, and stomach acidity has been an on/off lifelong issue so a few of those will probably have to stay.

Which brings me to the antidepressants. I am hoping with my recent strides, I can go off prozac altogether, especially because I don't feel it having a huge bearing on wear I am in my emotional health right now. I have been on various doses of it on and off for over 10 years. It started with depression at 19, went on, off, on again. Then, six years ago I went on it for PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder) and since it seemed to help my frequent bouts of depression I have been on it ever since. In that time, my dose has fluctuated between 20 and 60 mg a day. At one point, a therapist told me I might be burnt out on it, and my doctor increased the dosage (which I thought was great since I suspected BPD at the time, and read that higher doses of prozac can help it. But with the higher dose I didn't notice a huge change in mood stability (besides feeling a bit out of it and numb), but I did have the unpleasant side effects of sleepwalking episodes and brief hallucinations upon waking up (the worse - waking up to see about a hundred guns pointed at me). I learned recently that prozac can inhibit REM sleep (hence the sleep episodes) and even though I'm only on a 20 mg dose right now, I wonder how it is effecting my sleep, since in two recent sleep studies I only entered REM sleep once per night (you should have 3-4 REM stages per night). So I talked to my new doctor about it last week, and both he and my therapist are supportive of my kissing prozac goodbye, with the understanding that I will go back on it if the need arises as well as as a few of my good friends to hold me accountable and tell me if I seem to become depressed enough to go back on it. However, since I live in Bleak SnowyWinterTown, my doctor wants me to wait until spring to avoid any dives into Seasonal Affective Disorder. Which is fine with me. I've made more progress in the last 6 months of DBT and one-on-one therapy than I ever have in past six years with Prozac, so I'm happy to wait a few more months to try my life with one less medication in it.

I am also currently on Elavil, which seems like it might stick around for a while. I was on it in the past for insomnia, and am on it again now for chronic headaches which nothing else has been able to treat. Time will tell if it helps the headaches: if so, I will keep it and if not it will be another pill to say goodbye to.

I am fully in favor of taking medication when it is beneficial to our mental health, but I have learned that for some people, like me, simply re-learning how to live can make a huge difference. So maybe, meds aren't for me anymore. We'll see...

My Emotional Life

Did anyone out there watch the special series "This Emotional Life" on that ran on PBS last week? I happened to stumble across it while searching through my DTV guide and watched about half of the episode on facing fears (which was episode 2 and just happened to be the one that dealt with BPD). I was so excited because so many of the things they were talking about were the exact same things I've been working on or discussing in therapy, like using specific strategies to regulate emotions like fear and anxiety. They even talked about radical acceptance and how, when people looked at their situations objectively and without judgements, their emotions shifted into the positive. They also did an excellent job in explaining the background of different types of therapy, how it has evolved, and why it works in certain situations. I am definitely going have to watch this series again in its entirety (so watch for me to post more on it!), and I recommend it to anyone struggling with emotional health.

Handbook for 2010

People always say they wish life came with an instruction book. Got this from an email friend today, and couldn't help but notice all the BPD wisdom it had, such as having quiet time everyday and being in charge of your own happiness! They are all good ideas, but I've highlighted some of the ones I really want to work on this year, and challenge you to do the same!

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Handbook for 2010

Health:

1. Drink plenty of water.

2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.

3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.

4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy

5. Make time to pray.

6. Play more games.

7. Read more books than you did in 2009.

8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.

9. Sleep for 7 hours.

10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk, smile.

Personality:

11. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

13. Don't over do. Keep your limits.

14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.

16. Dream more while you are awake.

17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with His/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.

19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.

20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.

21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.

23. Smile and laugh more.

24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

Society:

25. Call your family often.

26. Each day give something good to others.

27. Forgive everyone for everything.

28. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.

29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

30. What other people think of you is none of your business.

31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:

32. Do the right thing!

33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

34. GOD heals everything.

35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

37. The best is yet to come.

38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.

39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

Last but not the least:

40. In this life you find out the only things you have are family and friends: take care of them.

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Resolutions

I am home again after two weeks of holiday traveling. It was nice. I got to visit everyone in my family and my 3 closest friends. In all I went to 5 different cities! I'd spend a few days at each and then repack and move on...but I don't see any of them often enough, so it was worth traversing the entire state to spend time with them. And time spent driving in the car just singing along with my favorite songs is always therapeutic for me, so I have come home refreshed (if not rested, I'm rather tired out).

I have several resolutions for the new year. One of course is losing weight. Last year I managed to lose about 15 lbs. That is almost all that I put on in last year's major depressive episode, and although I did gain some back with being ill in the past few months, I am determined to work hard at it. My goal is to lose twice as much this year (30 lbs) and my stretch goal is to lose 5 lbs/month before the summer. I am hopeful. For one thing, over the past few months when I was too sick to do any exercising, I vowed I wouldn't take it for granted and be more committed to working out. So, I am positive that I will have some success.

I've a few other small goals as well: I am going to work on some writing projects, waste less time (mindlessly browsing the internet and facebook are two culprits) and I would really like to start running again.

Of course, I am going to continue working on my recovery. I am completing my DBT workbook and I have already put some of my new skills to use in minor situations. I am hoping this year to make some positive changes in my life and especially my career, and my new abilities in the area of distress tolerance and emotional regulation will be tested. Its frightening, but my mindset it to bring it on - even if I fail I guess it is practice.

Which brings me to my next goal: I'm going to start living. For the past five years, I really feel like I've been asleep in a way - my invisible battle with BPD has kept me from chasing my dreams and doing the things I want in life because fear and sadness always stood in my way. But I am learning how to battle the fear and the sadness, and the anger at myself and the world for my being this way is starting to heal. So I am going to go out there and follow my heart and try some things I want try, and some things I've tried before and failed at. Time will tell how my new found outlook changes my future.