Back to Reality

I haven't written anything this week because I've been off in another world called Dysphoria. But I have returned and my little trip there is helping me understand myself a little better.

It seems to take so little for me to fall apart, and sometimes just the right combination of situations breaks me. This time, it was a combination of getting frustrated with my family, getting mad at people in the world who care more about judging than loving, and being stuck home for a few days with a respiratory infection.

I started last weekend out sick, then once again got so irritated when I had to deal with the crap that comes along with spending time with my family. So I dealt with it by just burying myself in bed, away from the pain and where the antibiotics could start to heal my sick body. But when I got on facebook and read some stupid careless messages from people who should know better, I snapped.

So I spent the first half of my week wandering around in a haze of emptiness.... for a moment or two I wondered why I even bother trying to be a decent person when I'm surrounded by so much hate and stupidity. But even those thoughts faded away as I slipped into complete apathy and quickly became detached from the rest of the world. For two days I skipped work (thankful I could use the infection as an excuse). I hid under the covers and binged on snacks and drive-thru fast food (after losing 5 lbs earlier this month). I numbed myself with endless amounts of TV and DVDs.

But yesterday, I forced myself to get up and go to work. It's only 3 hours, I told myself, so it should be easy. But it was literally one of the hardest things I've ever done. But I did it, grumpy and angry, and got it over with. And I am glad I did, because it brought me back into the real world, and changed me once again into a normal person.