I'm in a bad mood today. There is no reason. Yesterday I had a great day: I slept in but not too late, worked out, got a lot of paperwork done that I needed to do, did a little light cleaning, and then got myself taco bell for dinner and watched movies all night, then SNL, and I drifted off to sleep very pleased with myself.
But today I just feel empty. Its not for lack of trying. I got up straight away this morning, worked out (I've vowed to be better at doing that) and tried to get myself out and into the day. I did some more cleaning, started packing for the holidays, tried playing my guitar. When all that failed I fell back on my old habit of going for long drives and listening to some soulful music - John Mayer, Jewel, Paul Alan. I thought about calling some friends to chat but just didn't have the motivationI ate two cookies, tried to find a movie to watch on TV. But I still feel....dead.
I hope its just that end-of-the-weekend dreading going back to work (and dreading the stress of the holiday travel ahead of me) blues, and not something more.
QUIET - JOHN MAYER
midnight
lock all the doors
and turn out the lights
feels like the end of the world
this Sunday night
there's not a sound
outside the snow's coming down
and somehow I can't seem to find
the quiet inside my mind
3:02
the space in this room
has turned on me
and all my fears have cornered me here
me and my TV screen
the volume's down
blue lights are dancing around
and still, I can't seem to find
the quiet inside my mind
daylight is climbing the walls
cars start and feet walk the halls
the world awakes and now I am safe
at least by the light of day,
at least by the light of day...
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
Feeling the Horrible
Six months ago, I was at rock bottom. I had gone through the tumultuous breakdown of a friendship with someone I cared very much about based on actions they had taken, and was left feeling betrayed and heartbroken. I was so far gone that I barely felt like living. And even though in hindsight I can tell that the situation was in no way the end of the world, my world was at its end at the time.
(Can you recognize the BPD traits of chaotic relationships, emptiness and emotional overreaction in that?)
My friends all tried to make me feel better: one just told me to forget this person, another tried to keep me constantly busy to get my mind off of it. But one friend (one who is now helping me see how to evaluate how I hold up others in my eyes) gave me some of the greatest advice I've ever gotten. She told me "Don't be surprised by the pain....let yourself feel it, and experience it... and only after you have can you truly let yourself heal."
So last night, when I was once again watching reruns of Grey's Anatomy, the following conversation between Meredith and her therapist brought back those words:
As a person with BPD, I've always been emotional, and a lot of times these emotions have run my life. They've made me who I am, stunted my growth and made me miss out on a lot in life. But I am learning. I am learning how to feel the horrible, know I can survive, and helping myself heal. That's the goal.
(Can you recognize the BPD traits of chaotic relationships, emptiness and emotional overreaction in that?)
My friends all tried to make me feel better: one just told me to forget this person, another tried to keep me constantly busy to get my mind off of it. But one friend (one who is now helping me see how to evaluate how I hold up others in my eyes) gave me some of the greatest advice I've ever gotten. She told me "Don't be surprised by the pain....let yourself feel it, and experience it... and only after you have can you truly let yourself heal."
So last night, when I was once again watching reruns of Grey's Anatomy, the following conversation between Meredith and her therapist brought back those words:
Meredith: It makes absolutely no sense to try to be happy in a world that's such a horrible place.Now that I think about it, it also reminds me of a phrase that I've picked as one of my "coping thoughts" to repeat to myself when I'm really having a breakdown.
Dr. Wyatt: Yes.
Meredith: What?
Dr. Wyatt:Yes, horrible things do happen. Happiness in the face of all of that... that's not the goal. Feeling the horrible and knowing that you're not gonna die from those feelings, that's goal. And you're not done. You've made progress because you're feeling and you're telling me about it. Six months ago, it would've been just you and a bottle of tequila. My door is always open.
My feelings may make me uncomfortable right now, but they are not going to kill me.I have thoughts like these written in a tiny notebook that I keep with me at all times, along with ways to relax, defect self-destructive behavior, and make good decisions when I'm overwhelmed. Its been a big help to me.
Another one of my thoughts: I'm a sensitive person who experiences the world differently and has unique emotional experiences.
As a person with BPD, I've always been emotional, and a lot of times these emotions have run my life. They've made me who I am, stunted my growth and made me miss out on a lot in life. But I am learning. I am learning how to feel the horrible, know I can survive, and helping myself heal. That's the goal.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
"Who Says I Can't Be Free?"
While doing some research and reading on BPD the other day, I came across this google health article that got me thinking about recovery. As I read the article, hoping to learn more about BPD and use and share that knowledge, I was disenchanted that the only information on this page on the prognosis of the disorder was "Borderline personality disorder has a poor outlook because people often do not comply with treatment."
Call me an optimist (with BPD?!?! Yes, its possible) but I just don't think "poor outlook" is the way to define the condition of me or any of my new-found friends with BPD. I believe there is hope, that we can have faith for brighter futures.
Yes, I am sure that many borderlines don't always follow their treatment plan, but treatment isn't black-and-white. It's not like developing an infection, where you go to the doctor, get some tests, and takes some pills and get better. Treatment takes a long time, its a long hard road. And by the very nature of mental illness, you stop caring very much for yourself and your health, and you do things that are unhealthy for you....its just as easy to skip out on therapy as it is to self injure or withdraw from your loved ones. If you have a physical illness and stop taking your medication, you feel worse and you know you have to take your meds to feel better. But when you have a mental illness, and you're not following treatment, you just don't care - you don't matter, you're health doesn't matter, and you believe the lie that mental illness feeds you that nothing will help you ever feel better. So I'm not surprised that many people with BPD, like with many other mental illnesses, don't always stick with treatment.
But it doesn't make us hopeless, and I know my case is a reason to have faith. I believe I've had BPD for at least 5 years now - I've been in states where I stay in bed for months, I've had periods where I've used food or medication or self-injury to numb my pain. I hit rock bottom six months ago and decided once and for all I wanted to get rid of this. And in those six months of treatment (individual and group therapy along with a DBT workbook) I have already made great strides.
One of the first things my therapist told me is that BPD is a condition that people can learn to treat and live with, and that for some people eventually recover from it completely!!! And I know she was right, because I'm doing better and there is so much research out there showing that recovery is possible:
One of the biggest myths have to do with whether BPD is something that people can recover from. One of these myths is that BPD is incurable. In fact, until several years ago, people thought that once you had BPD, you were stuck with it for life. However, we now know that this is not true, and that BPD actually has a very good prognosis. In fact, recent research suggests that people are more likely to recover from BPD than from bipolar disorder. The second myth related to this idea that BPD is incurable is the idea that BPD is untreatable, and that treatments don’t work for people with this disorder. Just like with the other myth, this is definitely not true. In fact, we now know that people with BPD can make incredible progress in short periods of time when treated with therapies developed specifically for BPD.
-Dr. Alexander L. Chapman (full interview here)
I've been addicted to a new favorite song, "Who Says" by John Mayer, simply because of the following lines, a great reminder for me that no matter what people say, there is hope for me:
Who says I can't be free
From all the things that I used to be?
Rewrite my history,
Who says I can't be free???
Call me an optimist (with BPD?!?! Yes, its possible) but I just don't think "poor outlook" is the way to define the condition of me or any of my new-found friends with BPD. I believe there is hope, that we can have faith for brighter futures.
Yes, I am sure that many borderlines don't always follow their treatment plan, but treatment isn't black-and-white. It's not like developing an infection, where you go to the doctor, get some tests, and takes some pills and get better. Treatment takes a long time, its a long hard road. And by the very nature of mental illness, you stop caring very much for yourself and your health, and you do things that are unhealthy for you....its just as easy to skip out on therapy as it is to self injure or withdraw from your loved ones. If you have a physical illness and stop taking your medication, you feel worse and you know you have to take your meds to feel better. But when you have a mental illness, and you're not following treatment, you just don't care - you don't matter, you're health doesn't matter, and you believe the lie that mental illness feeds you that nothing will help you ever feel better. So I'm not surprised that many people with BPD, like with many other mental illnesses, don't always stick with treatment.
But it doesn't make us hopeless, and I know my case is a reason to have faith. I believe I've had BPD for at least 5 years now - I've been in states where I stay in bed for months, I've had periods where I've used food or medication or self-injury to numb my pain. I hit rock bottom six months ago and decided once and for all I wanted to get rid of this. And in those six months of treatment (individual and group therapy along with a DBT workbook) I have already made great strides.
One of the first things my therapist told me is that BPD is a condition that people can learn to treat and live with, and that for some people eventually recover from it completely!!! And I know she was right, because I'm doing better and there is so much research out there showing that recovery is possible:
One of the biggest myths have to do with whether BPD is something that people can recover from. One of these myths is that BPD is incurable. In fact, until several years ago, people thought that once you had BPD, you were stuck with it for life. However, we now know that this is not true, and that BPD actually has a very good prognosis. In fact, recent research suggests that people are more likely to recover from BPD than from bipolar disorder. The second myth related to this idea that BPD is incurable is the idea that BPD is untreatable, and that treatments don’t work for people with this disorder. Just like with the other myth, this is definitely not true. In fact, we now know that people with BPD can make incredible progress in short periods of time when treated with therapies developed specifically for BPD.
-Dr. Alexander L. Chapman (full interview here)
I've been addicted to a new favorite song, "Who Says" by John Mayer, simply because of the following lines, a great reminder for me that no matter what people say, there is hope for me:
Who says I can't be free
From all the things that I used to be?
Rewrite my history,
Who says I can't be free???
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Home Sick
I've been sick for over a month now, and I'm getting so irritated about it that I just need to write a post about it!!
It started 6 weeks ago when I came down with the flu (possibly H1N1). As soon as I knew I had the flu and not just a cold, I called my doctor to get on Tamiflu, since I am asthmatic. My flu symptoms cleared up in a few days, but my shortness of breath and tight chest did not, so I went to urgent are, where the doctor said my asthma was aggravated and put me on prednisone, which helped a bit with the first dose, but soon as I started weaning off of it the symptoms came back. It made me feel really depressed at first too.
After the course of prednisone I was still having the same trouble, so I went to my own doctor, who said you can have asthma symptoms for 4-6 weeks after the flu. Just in case I did have a respiratory infetion, he gave me an antibiotic too. Over the next week or so I started breathing a little better, but still not 100%.
After the course of antibiotics, I was STILL having wheezing and shortness of breath, but had also develop a sore throat and was having some slight hoarseness. Since it was over the Thanksgiving break, I went into urgent care where THIRD doctor told me it was probably just my asthma, and gave me another round of prednisone, this time a higher dose.
Just this past week, I called my doctor to ask for Advair, which has helped a lot with my asthma in the past. I am taking that, but my sore throat had gotten worse and I am losing my voice.
I honestly do not know WHAT is going on with my body right now. I'm not convinced that this is just my asthma - I have moderate asthma - mostly just slight wheezing and prone to respiratory infections. I have NEVER had a problem this bad in the 15 years since I've been diagnosed with asthma!
Between this and the chronic daily headaches I developed several months ago, I am so tired of feeling so sick all the time.
The WORST part of it for me, is that I end up staying home so much of the time, and after six weeks of it I'm starting to get depressed. I try to work when I can. On the upside, being a substitute teacher, I can more or less set my own hours. On the downside, being a subsistute teacher requires a strong voice and quite a bit of energy, neither of which I have right now. So I'm missing out on a lot of work. And sitting at home by myself makes me feel depressed. And knowing that I am missing out on the chance to make money makes me feel more depressed.
I don't know what to do? Go back to my doctor? Go to the E.R.? I need this to end before I start sinking down any further!!
It started 6 weeks ago when I came down with the flu (possibly H1N1). As soon as I knew I had the flu and not just a cold, I called my doctor to get on Tamiflu, since I am asthmatic. My flu symptoms cleared up in a few days, but my shortness of breath and tight chest did not, so I went to urgent are, where the doctor said my asthma was aggravated and put me on prednisone, which helped a bit with the first dose, but soon as I started weaning off of it the symptoms came back. It made me feel really depressed at first too.
After the course of prednisone I was still having the same trouble, so I went to my own doctor, who said you can have asthma symptoms for 4-6 weeks after the flu. Just in case I did have a respiratory infetion, he gave me an antibiotic too. Over the next week or so I started breathing a little better, but still not 100%.
After the course of antibiotics, I was STILL having wheezing and shortness of breath, but had also develop a sore throat and was having some slight hoarseness. Since it was over the Thanksgiving break, I went into urgent care where THIRD doctor told me it was probably just my asthma, and gave me another round of prednisone, this time a higher dose.
Just this past week, I called my doctor to ask for Advair, which has helped a lot with my asthma in the past. I am taking that, but my sore throat had gotten worse and I am losing my voice.
I honestly do not know WHAT is going on with my body right now. I'm not convinced that this is just my asthma - I have moderate asthma - mostly just slight wheezing and prone to respiratory infections. I have NEVER had a problem this bad in the 15 years since I've been diagnosed with asthma!
Between this and the chronic daily headaches I developed several months ago, I am so tired of feeling so sick all the time.
The WORST part of it for me, is that I end up staying home so much of the time, and after six weeks of it I'm starting to get depressed. I try to work when I can. On the upside, being a substitute teacher, I can more or less set my own hours. On the downside, being a subsistute teacher requires a strong voice and quite a bit of energy, neither of which I have right now. So I'm missing out on a lot of work. And sitting at home by myself makes me feel depressed. And knowing that I am missing out on the chance to make money makes me feel more depressed.
I don't know what to do? Go back to my doctor? Go to the E.R.? I need this to end before I start sinking down any further!!
Autobiography (A First Draft)
My community mental health center is awesome (and having gone through therapy since I was 8, I've been more than my fair share of CMHs!) Besides a great staff, they offer so many wonderful programs, like a walk-in center where people can go to just hang out and even an art therapy group. Best of all, these programs are in place thanks to the efforts of others who have or are still going through recovery for mental health issues. I am hoping to get more involved in things after the holidays wind down (and also the infection I've been fighting for the last month clears up), but I am starting by contributing to the photo-biography project. Published in an annual periodical and/or on display at the center, the biographies, artwork, photos and writings of many clients are shared to show the world that recovery is possible. I am going still taking photographs for mine, but ever the writer, here is what I have written so far:
I saw my first counselor when I was eight years old. Even today, I don’t know why my parents decided to take me to one, but it probably had to do with my shyness, anxieties and trouble fitting in at school. Either way, from that point on I would always be different from the other kids I knew. I had a few friends but had little in common with most kids my age. I went to counseling for years. Then, at 12, I had my first hospitalization after a threat to commit suicide.
Despite my problems, I always thought I had a good life. I had a family who loved me, despite our problems. We went to church regularly and my faith gave me strength that probably saved my life. I was able to attend a small private school which met my needs both academically and emotionally. In the years when depression left me, I had friends and had some great life experiences. But there was always one difference: sometimes I had a happy, perfect life, and other times I would get so depressed I couldn’t go on.
My relationships helped push me toward seeing my problems and recovering from them. I’ve always been a romantic and believer in love at first sight, and I am intensely attached when I fall in love. Breaking up with my high school/college sweetheart after 4 years together sent me into a year-long period of detachment, which ended with a complete breakdown that took a long time to mend. A few years later, I was in a very intense love/hate relationship that left me severely depressed. I found a low-income counselor and spent a year in therapy with her. She helped me analyze and work on many of my issues such abandonment and inappropriate relationships. Yet as I left her and time went by, the depression always came back and went away, sometimes so quickly it was scary. I still knew I was different, that there was something more wrong with me.
One day I was doing internet search on what was bothering me, I ran across the condition “Borderline Personality Disorder.” Reading the symptoms was like looking in a mirror: chaotic relationships, intense anger, impulsivity, rapidly changing moods and even the tendency to self-injure. Deep down I knew this was what I had, yet with no health insurance and a low-paying job, I couldn’t afford to go anywhere for diagnosis or treatment. I also felt embarrassed about going to a doctor and telling them I knew what was wrong – as if I had no right to diagnose myself. So for years I rode the ups and downs, sometimes I insanely happy and then suicidal on the same day. One time I barely got out of bed for two months, and then that episode faded into a happy, upbeat me.
One summer everything changed – after ending a chaotic friendship and facing more family struggles, I was sick of my problems! During that time I was practically living in my bed, feeling hurt all the time. called the Northern Lakes community mental health and I met with my new therapist who immediately saw my symptoms as BPD. In that moment, everything changed. I knew for certain what made me so different, and I was ready to step into recovery.
Like everything in my life, even my recovery seems different. It seems to be happening so fast. I’m seeing my counselor, visiting groups, and working thorough a DBT therapy workbook. I’m rapidly learning how to cope with my emotions and handle the aspects of BPD that affect my life and relationships. That is a good thing, but sometimes it’s scary. I don’t know if BDP will ever leave me, and I have no idea when the symptoms will strike again. But this time something else will be different – I know who I am, and with the new skills I am learning, I will be ready.
I saw my first counselor when I was eight years old. Even today, I don’t know why my parents decided to take me to one, but it probably had to do with my shyness, anxieties and trouble fitting in at school. Either way, from that point on I would always be different from the other kids I knew. I had a few friends but had little in common with most kids my age. I went to counseling for years. Then, at 12, I had my first hospitalization after a threat to commit suicide.
Despite my problems, I always thought I had a good life. I had a family who loved me, despite our problems. We went to church regularly and my faith gave me strength that probably saved my life. I was able to attend a small private school which met my needs both academically and emotionally. In the years when depression left me, I had friends and had some great life experiences. But there was always one difference: sometimes I had a happy, perfect life, and other times I would get so depressed I couldn’t go on.
My relationships helped push me toward seeing my problems and recovering from them. I’ve always been a romantic and believer in love at first sight, and I am intensely attached when I fall in love. Breaking up with my high school/college sweetheart after 4 years together sent me into a year-long period of detachment, which ended with a complete breakdown that took a long time to mend. A few years later, I was in a very intense love/hate relationship that left me severely depressed. I found a low-income counselor and spent a year in therapy with her. She helped me analyze and work on many of my issues such abandonment and inappropriate relationships. Yet as I left her and time went by, the depression always came back and went away, sometimes so quickly it was scary. I still knew I was different, that there was something more wrong with me.
One day I was doing internet search on what was bothering me, I ran across the condition “Borderline Personality Disorder.” Reading the symptoms was like looking in a mirror: chaotic relationships, intense anger, impulsivity, rapidly changing moods and even the tendency to self-injure. Deep down I knew this was what I had, yet with no health insurance and a low-paying job, I couldn’t afford to go anywhere for diagnosis or treatment. I also felt embarrassed about going to a doctor and telling them I knew what was wrong – as if I had no right to diagnose myself. So for years I rode the ups and downs, sometimes I insanely happy and then suicidal on the same day. One time I barely got out of bed for two months, and then that episode faded into a happy, upbeat me.
One summer everything changed – after ending a chaotic friendship and facing more family struggles, I was sick of my problems! During that time I was practically living in my bed, feeling hurt all the time. called the Northern Lakes community mental health and I met with my new therapist who immediately saw my symptoms as BPD. In that moment, everything changed. I knew for certain what made me so different, and I was ready to step into recovery.
Like everything in my life, even my recovery seems different. It seems to be happening so fast. I’m seeing my counselor, visiting groups, and working thorough a DBT therapy workbook. I’m rapidly learning how to cope with my emotions and handle the aspects of BPD that affect my life and relationships. That is a good thing, but sometimes it’s scary. I don’t know if BDP will ever leave me, and I have no idea when the symptoms will strike again. But this time something else will be different – I know who I am, and with the new skills I am learning, I will be ready.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
"You're Not a Bad Guy"
Another TV quote today, this time from a rerun of Grey's Anatomy. It is amazing how much BPD wisdom I find in that show!! (well, among other shows I love to watch!) What a great reminder to us that the world is NOT black and white, that our loved ones are not the "bad guys" every time they make a mistake, and most importantly, that we're not "bad guys" when we screw up either!!!
(quote context: George O'Malley is talking to Dr. Bailey after it is found out he cheated on his wife, Callie, with Izzy)
Bailey: O'Malley...look, you're not a bad guy. And I don't mean to let you off the hook entirely, because what you did was unkind and hurtful and wrong. But you're not a bad guy. I'm...I'm just saying, it...it takes two. To reach the point you reached in your marriage, it takes two. I mean...I mean, I'm here late at night, Halloween, helping an earless boy get ears, and my husband wants to act like that isn't an important thing. He wants to act like...it isn't a good thing that I did today. Now that isn't just on me. That's him wanting things to be the way he wants. That's him wanting things to be purely black-and-white. I mean, I missed my son's first Halloween, and my heart is aching inside of my chest, but, you know, that doesn't mean anything. It...it doesn't count because in a black-and-white world, I simply didn't make it home, and that makes me the bad guy. You know, always. I'm always the bad guy. You hear what I'm saying?
George: Sorry you missed your son's first Halloween.
Bailey: Look, what I'm saying to you is...okay, I was there. All right? I was there the day your father died. I was there when you came back from Vegas, married after a week and...all I'm saying is...it's not black-and-white...and you're not a bad guy.
(quote context: George O'Malley is talking to Dr. Bailey after it is found out he cheated on his wife, Callie, with Izzy)
Bailey: O'Malley...look, you're not a bad guy. And I don't mean to let you off the hook entirely, because what you did was unkind and hurtful and wrong. But you're not a bad guy. I'm...I'm just saying, it...it takes two. To reach the point you reached in your marriage, it takes two. I mean...I mean, I'm here late at night, Halloween, helping an earless boy get ears, and my husband wants to act like that isn't an important thing. He wants to act like...it isn't a good thing that I did today. Now that isn't just on me. That's him wanting things to be the way he wants. That's him wanting things to be purely black-and-white. I mean, I missed my son's first Halloween, and my heart is aching inside of my chest, but, you know, that doesn't mean anything. It...it doesn't count because in a black-and-white world, I simply didn't make it home, and that makes me the bad guy. You know, always. I'm always the bad guy. You hear what I'm saying?
George: Sorry you missed your son's first Halloween.
Bailey: Look, what I'm saying to you is...okay, I was there. All right? I was there the day your father died. I was there when you came back from Vegas, married after a week and...all I'm saying is...it's not black-and-white...and you're not a bad guy.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Scars
A great quote tonight from the TV show Criminal Minds:
"Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going."
Such a great (and true) quote that I don't even have to say much about it: whether it be emotional or physical scars (self-injury being so prominent in BPD), we can look at our scars and remember the painful past that we've had the strength to overcome. Then, we can change our own futures.
"Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going."
Such a great (and true) quote that I don't even have to say much about it: whether it be emotional or physical scars (self-injury being so prominent in BPD), we can look at our scars and remember the painful past that we've had the strength to overcome. Then, we can change our own futures.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Love in Black and White
Last night I had a bad dream, and it reminded me of who I am.
::begin dream sequence::
I was in the store where I used to work, cleaning up and putting things away as it was closing down. This guy came in talking to me, and it was clear in the dream that we were dating. After work, I drove to my dad's old house, where I was going to also to box things up and put them away (I watched the show Hoarders before bed, so I can see where this came from).
When I got to the house, this guy was in his car in the driveway with another girl, so I drove away feeling very hurt that he had chosen her over me. I came back to the house sometime later - his car was gone so I went inside and went to work. Soon, he came storming into the house with a bouquet of flowers he had picked and told me he was wrong to ever be with her, that I was the one he wanted. The next few scenes were a blur, but it was obvious to dream-me that we were engaged and we were fixing up this house for us to live in.
And all I felt was sadness. I was sad, because I knew I was not in love with this man, and did not want to settle down and get married. But I continued to work on the house, because I knew he was a good man and he loved me. He was so good I could not even tell him that the bunch of flowers he picked for me were lavender - the plant I am most highly allergic to. I woke up with an overwhelming sense of sadness at this dream.
Besides feeling sad when I woke up, I couldn't help but realize how much the dream paralleled who I really am. Like many borderlines, love and relationships for me are chaotic and fueled by my emotions. When I meet someone, if there is a spark I fall madly in love. If there is no spark, there is very little chance that I will ever be able to feel anything for the person. I haven't dated in three years because I've only felt for one person during that time, and even if he had felt the same way towards me I knew it would have been an unhealthy relationship to pursue. And as much as I would love to find someone to share my time with, I know that unless it just happens to be one of the rare fish in the sea that I fall in love with, I am afraid that I am doomed to feel as I felt in my dream - stuck in a relationship where I am not in love.
Like many relationships in the BPD world, love is black and white for me - all or nothing. And I don't know how to cope with that, or if I will ever learn how.
::begin dream sequence::
I was in the store where I used to work, cleaning up and putting things away as it was closing down. This guy came in talking to me, and it was clear in the dream that we were dating. After work, I drove to my dad's old house, where I was going to also to box things up and put them away (I watched the show Hoarders before bed, so I can see where this came from).
When I got to the house, this guy was in his car in the driveway with another girl, so I drove away feeling very hurt that he had chosen her over me. I came back to the house sometime later - his car was gone so I went inside and went to work. Soon, he came storming into the house with a bouquet of flowers he had picked and told me he was wrong to ever be with her, that I was the one he wanted. The next few scenes were a blur, but it was obvious to dream-me that we were engaged and we were fixing up this house for us to live in.
And all I felt was sadness. I was sad, because I knew I was not in love with this man, and did not want to settle down and get married. But I continued to work on the house, because I knew he was a good man and he loved me. He was so good I could not even tell him that the bunch of flowers he picked for me were lavender - the plant I am most highly allergic to. I woke up with an overwhelming sense of sadness at this dream.
Besides feeling sad when I woke up, I couldn't help but realize how much the dream paralleled who I really am. Like many borderlines, love and relationships for me are chaotic and fueled by my emotions. When I meet someone, if there is a spark I fall madly in love. If there is no spark, there is very little chance that I will ever be able to feel anything for the person. I haven't dated in three years because I've only felt for one person during that time, and even if he had felt the same way towards me I knew it would have been an unhealthy relationship to pursue. And as much as I would love to find someone to share my time with, I know that unless it just happens to be one of the rare fish in the sea that I fall in love with, I am afraid that I am doomed to feel as I felt in my dream - stuck in a relationship where I am not in love.
Like many relationships in the BPD world, love is black and white for me - all or nothing. And I don't know how to cope with that, or if I will ever learn how.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Somedays I Freak Out
Yeah...so...somedays I just completely lose it. I came close today. Outwardly I held it together but inside I was a mess. I've been sick for over a month now (asthma complications from the flu) and am not getting better and I'm so frustrated because not only does it feel so uncomfortable to breathe everyday, but I also have this raspy voice that I have to force out (when I am normally a loud person). And working in a room full of 5 year olds all day long wore my voice, as well as my patience, thin. And everything that could go wrong today, did. I was worried about some financial problems. My hormones began their monthly freakout. The clothes I decided looked okay on me at home looked weird when I got to work. The roads were not plowed on my way to work and I straggled in 3 minutes before my starting time. The sidewalk had not been shoveled at work (at 11:50 am? really?) and I had to walk through the snow and get cold wet feet. So by the time I got home today I was feeling scattered and freaked out.
I thought about using some of my mindfullness and coping exercises to ease my craziness. In a way, I did - as soon as I got home I ate a big bowl of mashed potatoes. It did help me feel better, but since emotional eating is not a healthy coping strategy for me I suppose I should have turned to something else to calm me down. In fact, I just may go sit in my chair and listen to one of the mindfulness exercises I have recorded on my MP3 (from The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook). Last time, it worked well, and made me feel a lot better. Actually, now that I think about it, writing here in my blog has helped me feel better too, and its a positive coping strategy. Yay me!!!
One last thought...as I was driving home, I remembered how many times I've freaked out over finances - overdrawn bank accounts, late rent, etc. When it happens, I almost always go into emotional overdrive - I began to cry and worry and lose focus and try to get someone else to fix the problem for me. But I thought about how ineffective I am at solving the problem when I'm in freakout mode. Even if the bank's closed for the day or I can't pay my bill, letting myself get so worked up I get physically ill doesn't help anyone. So I am hoping that , in the future - as I become more fiscally responsible - I can use my new emotional regulation skills to handle my financial ups and downs without detriment to my mental health.
I thought about using some of my mindfullness and coping exercises to ease my craziness. In a way, I did - as soon as I got home I ate a big bowl of mashed potatoes. It did help me feel better, but since emotional eating is not a healthy coping strategy for me I suppose I should have turned to something else to calm me down. In fact, I just may go sit in my chair and listen to one of the mindfulness exercises I have recorded on my MP3 (from The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook). Last time, it worked well, and made me feel a lot better. Actually, now that I think about it, writing here in my blog has helped me feel better too, and its a positive coping strategy. Yay me!!!
One last thought...as I was driving home, I remembered how many times I've freaked out over finances - overdrawn bank accounts, late rent, etc. When it happens, I almost always go into emotional overdrive - I began to cry and worry and lose focus and try to get someone else to fix the problem for me. But I thought about how ineffective I am at solving the problem when I'm in freakout mode. Even if the bank's closed for the day or I can't pay my bill, letting myself get so worked up I get physically ill doesn't help anyone. So I am hoping that , in the future - as I become more fiscally responsible - I can use my new emotional regulation skills to handle my financial ups and downs without detriment to my mental health.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
The Face of BPD - Part 9 of 9
Part 9 of my nine part series of what the diagnostic criteria (symptoms) of BPD look like in my own life.
Criteria 9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms
I have felt completely out of it today. More than just feeling tired, I feel sort of empty and disconnected, unable to focus. So although I don't know how well I'll be able to gather information and write on dissociation, I'm going to try anyway.
I've avoided writing on this last part of BPD because I don't fully understand it, nor do I know that it applies to me. In sitting down and doing some research, however, I think that I do perhaps show some mild symptoms of dissociation and paranoia. For example, while reading the following web site, I came across the following definition:
Dissociation may affect a person subjectively in the form of “made” thoughts, feelings, and actions. These are thoughts or emotions seemingly coming out of nowhere, or finding oneself carrying out an action as if it were controlled by a force other than oneself (Dell, 2001). Typically, a person feels “taken over” by an emotion that does not seem to makes sense at the time. Feeling suddenly, unbearably sad, without an apparent reason, and then having the sadness leave in much the same manner as it came, is an example.Or someone may find himself or herself doing something that they would not normally do but unable to stop themselves, almost as if they are being compelled to do it. This is sometimes described as the experience of being a “passenger” in one’s body, rather than the driver.
How many instances I've recounted where I feel "controlled" by my emotions, and how often do I do things out of the ordinary when my feelings are at the wheel!? And as I think about it, these instances are sparked by stress.
I wonder about my own paranoid thoughts. I've seen the most tragic depths of paranoia - people who so fear the world that it has cost them their lives. Obviously, I am lucky to not struggle with such an issue, but I wonder if my intense and constant self-consciousness, my feeling that someone can see all the silly and stupid things I do, is a form of paranoia in itself.
And I wonder too, how much effect my growing ability to regulate my emotions and deal with stress will have on any dissociative symptoms I have displayed (and I'm sure there have been many, since I strongly suspect that I've had BPD for five years now).
So, as I continue to recover and learn about myself and my condition, I am sure I will learn more about this aspect of it. In the meantime, if anyone out there has stories or information on their own dissociation or paranoia (or that of someone you know), I would love to hear the stories.
full list of BPD criteria here
Criteria 9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms
I have felt completely out of it today. More than just feeling tired, I feel sort of empty and disconnected, unable to focus. So although I don't know how well I'll be able to gather information and write on dissociation, I'm going to try anyway.
I've avoided writing on this last part of BPD because I don't fully understand it, nor do I know that it applies to me. In sitting down and doing some research, however, I think that I do perhaps show some mild symptoms of dissociation and paranoia. For example, while reading the following web site, I came across the following definition:
Dissociation may affect a person subjectively in the form of “made” thoughts, feelings, and actions. These are thoughts or emotions seemingly coming out of nowhere, or finding oneself carrying out an action as if it were controlled by a force other than oneself (Dell, 2001). Typically, a person feels “taken over” by an emotion that does not seem to makes sense at the time. Feeling suddenly, unbearably sad, without an apparent reason, and then having the sadness leave in much the same manner as it came, is an example.Or someone may find himself or herself doing something that they would not normally do but unable to stop themselves, almost as if they are being compelled to do it. This is sometimes described as the experience of being a “passenger” in one’s body, rather than the driver.
How many instances I've recounted where I feel "controlled" by my emotions, and how often do I do things out of the ordinary when my feelings are at the wheel!? And as I think about it, these instances are sparked by stress.
I wonder about my own paranoid thoughts. I've seen the most tragic depths of paranoia - people who so fear the world that it has cost them their lives. Obviously, I am lucky to not struggle with such an issue, but I wonder if my intense and constant self-consciousness, my feeling that someone can see all the silly and stupid things I do, is a form of paranoia in itself.
And I wonder too, how much effect my growing ability to regulate my emotions and deal with stress will have on any dissociative symptoms I have displayed (and I'm sure there have been many, since I strongly suspect that I've had BPD for five years now).
So, as I continue to recover and learn about myself and my condition, I am sure I will learn more about this aspect of it. In the meantime, if anyone out there has stories or information on their own dissociation or paranoia (or that of someone you know), I would love to hear the stories.
full list of BPD criteria here
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Good Choice Day
So I was so excited about writing a little series of posts about all of my BPD symptoms, then about halfway through I ran out of steam and just got irritated with doing it. Besides, the last entry deals with dysphoria and psychosis and I don't even want to think about that, so I'm gonna go against my perfectionist nature of doing everything by the book, and just write today.
Today I made a good choice. I went to work. That may seem like a small thing, but for me it is still a struggle (even though my therapist tells me I've come so far in recovery)
I probably have the worst job for someone who has BPD - I' m a substitute teacher, so I'm on call all the time. Its so easy just to not answer the phone or check the Internet site to accept a work assignment for the day. With a "normal" job the accountability of a boss and coworkers would probably keep me there everyday, but in my job there is no one to know whether I simply wasn't available to work that day, or if I am really just hiding. Even when I know I need the money and I know I need to be out of the house working, the temptation to either stay at home all alone or just curl up in bed all day is so great, and so many times it overcomes me.
Last night, I dreamt of someone who hurt me terribly and who I do not talk to anymore. In fact, I had two dreams about this person. So I woke up feeling raw and slightly angry. All day I've just tried to put it out of my head and think about something else, but it made me not want to go to work. But I am glad I did - my job this afternoon was easy and even a little bit fun.
So, I'm calling today Good Choice Day.
Today I made a good choice. I went to work. That may seem like a small thing, but for me it is still a struggle (even though my therapist tells me I've come so far in recovery)
I probably have the worst job for someone who has BPD - I' m a substitute teacher, so I'm on call all the time. Its so easy just to not answer the phone or check the Internet site to accept a work assignment for the day. With a "normal" job the accountability of a boss and coworkers would probably keep me there everyday, but in my job there is no one to know whether I simply wasn't available to work that day, or if I am really just hiding. Even when I know I need the money and I know I need to be out of the house working, the temptation to either stay at home all alone or just curl up in bed all day is so great, and so many times it overcomes me.
Last night, I dreamt of someone who hurt me terribly and who I do not talk to anymore. In fact, I had two dreams about this person. So I woke up feeling raw and slightly angry. All day I've just tried to put it out of my head and think about something else, but it made me not want to go to work. But I am glad I did - my job this afternoon was easy and even a little bit fun.
So, I'm calling today Good Choice Day.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
The Face of BPD - Part 8 of 9
Part 8 of my nine part series of what the diagnostic criteria (symptoms) of BPD look like in my own life.
(I am ready to finish up this series and write more about my day to day life!!!) :-)
Criteria 8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
If you look at me or have just gotten to know me, you would never peg me as someone with an anger issue. My outward personality tends to be happy-go-lucky and I am a bit on the shy and quiet side. I love working with children, Victorian decorating, and playing in the snow. I seem to be the polar opposite of what an angry person would be like.
But the right combination of factors can set me off. When you put together situations that I am especially sensitive to (like cheating in relationships or lying to a friend), a recent line of stressors, and physical difficulties (being tired or having PMS), the mixture can be brutal.
These are the times when I don't have anger issues, anger issues have me. I'm completely controlled by my emotions, and even hurt, betrayal, sadness or loss can manifest itself as my default emotion, anger. In fact, my anger is so prevalent that I can wake up in the morning and with no outside reminder or trigger, remember something that happened months or years ago that made me angry, and I'll be seething all day long.
My anger is exactly who the DSM describe it for borderlines. The intensity can be unreal - at times its feels like my entire body is being electrocuted and I can't stop shaking. My mind thinks of nothing but how angry I am, and what I need to do to stop this terrible feeling. But all too often, the anger really is inappropriate. The wrong that's been done to me might not even be real, it may just be something I've assumed someone had done. Or it might be a small mistake or issue that my mind has blown completely out of proportion. The amount of anger I had is disproportionately larger than whatever has happened. But at these times, I lose it, and as I result I lash out - either at myself or another person, if they are involved. Either way, the end result is the same: me and possibly someone else get hurt. I either have an argument with someone (in which I say the most uncharacteristic things) which hurts my relationship with the person and might even hurt the person themselves. Either that, or I end up withdrawing from others and doing something that will hurt myself (such as self-injury).
Its been about 4 months since I've had a big, blown-out anger attack, yet I've had so many throughout my life, and they've shaped who I am today. As I work my way through DBT and learn how to regulate my emotions and tolerate stress, I know that the little skills that are helping me to deal with little moments of stress, irritation, or sadness will be ingrained in me when another big issue strikes me again. But the next time, for the first time, I will be ready.
full list of BPD criteria here
(I am ready to finish up this series and write more about my day to day life!!!) :-)
Criteria 8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
If you look at me or have just gotten to know me, you would never peg me as someone with an anger issue. My outward personality tends to be happy-go-lucky and I am a bit on the shy and quiet side. I love working with children, Victorian decorating, and playing in the snow. I seem to be the polar opposite of what an angry person would be like.
But the right combination of factors can set me off. When you put together situations that I am especially sensitive to (like cheating in relationships or lying to a friend), a recent line of stressors, and physical difficulties (being tired or having PMS), the mixture can be brutal.
These are the times when I don't have anger issues, anger issues have me. I'm completely controlled by my emotions, and even hurt, betrayal, sadness or loss can manifest itself as my default emotion, anger. In fact, my anger is so prevalent that I can wake up in the morning and with no outside reminder or trigger, remember something that happened months or years ago that made me angry, and I'll be seething all day long.
My anger is exactly who the DSM describe it for borderlines. The intensity can be unreal - at times its feels like my entire body is being electrocuted and I can't stop shaking. My mind thinks of nothing but how angry I am, and what I need to do to stop this terrible feeling. But all too often, the anger really is inappropriate. The wrong that's been done to me might not even be real, it may just be something I've assumed someone had done. Or it might be a small mistake or issue that my mind has blown completely out of proportion. The amount of anger I had is disproportionately larger than whatever has happened. But at these times, I lose it, and as I result I lash out - either at myself or another person, if they are involved. Either way, the end result is the same: me and possibly someone else get hurt. I either have an argument with someone (in which I say the most uncharacteristic things) which hurts my relationship with the person and might even hurt the person themselves. Either that, or I end up withdrawing from others and doing something that will hurt myself (such as self-injury).
Its been about 4 months since I've had a big, blown-out anger attack, yet I've had so many throughout my life, and they've shaped who I am today. As I work my way through DBT and learn how to regulate my emotions and tolerate stress, I know that the little skills that are helping me to deal with little moments of stress, irritation, or sadness will be ingrained in me when another big issue strikes me again. But the next time, for the first time, I will be ready.
full list of BPD criteria here
Monday, November 30, 2009
The Face of BPD - Part 7 of 9
Part 7 of my nine part series of what the diagnostic criteria (symptoms) of BPD look like in my own life.
(got very frustrated the last time I wrote this...my computer locked up and lost the entire entry and I started to struggle with overwhelming anger...but I calmed myself, got through it, and now will try again...)
Criteria 7. chronic feelings of emptiness
Probably the most self-explanatory of all of my symptoms, but, luckily, one that doesn't bother me all that much.
However, I do struggle with it. SO many times in my life, especially when things are bad or I'm going through a depressive episode, I wonder: what's the point? Why bother loving someone if you are just going to lose them, if they are just going to hurt or leave you? Why bother chasing dreams if you just feel unfulfilled all the time anyway (and so often I feel unfulfilled)? Why bother living when it doesn't feel worth it.
Because I can be so up and down, the emptiness creeps in mostly during the down times, but it can spill into the good times too. I try so hard to fight it when it comes around, remembering what the good times were like - those times when life was worth it. But its hard. Sometimes the memories of a worthwhile life just don't feel like they are enough to sustain me. Sometimes all I can do is accept that I feel lost and empty inside, and hope and pray that someday it will pass (so far, it always has). But then again, I have never thought that happiness is something that should be forced on those who struggle with depression. Sometimes, its enough just to press on...then to press on again....until the sun shines and happiness finds us again.
(got very frustrated the last time I wrote this...my computer locked up and lost the entire entry and I started to struggle with overwhelming anger...but I calmed myself, got through it, and now will try again...)
Criteria 7. chronic feelings of emptiness
Probably the most self-explanatory of all of my symptoms, but, luckily, one that doesn't bother me all that much.
However, I do struggle with it. SO many times in my life, especially when things are bad or I'm going through a depressive episode, I wonder: what's the point? Why bother loving someone if you are just going to lose them, if they are just going to hurt or leave you? Why bother chasing dreams if you just feel unfulfilled all the time anyway (and so often I feel unfulfilled)? Why bother living when it doesn't feel worth it.
Because I can be so up and down, the emptiness creeps in mostly during the down times, but it can spill into the good times too. I try so hard to fight it when it comes around, remembering what the good times were like - those times when life was worth it. But its hard. Sometimes the memories of a worthwhile life just don't feel like they are enough to sustain me. Sometimes all I can do is accept that I feel lost and empty inside, and hope and pray that someday it will pass (so far, it always has). But then again, I have never thought that happiness is something that should be forced on those who struggle with depression. Sometimes, its enough just to press on...then to press on again....until the sun shines and happiness finds us again.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
The Face of BPD - Part 6 of 9
Part 6 of my nine part series of what the diagnostic criteria (symptoms) of BPD look like in my own life.
Criteria 6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
This one is pretty self-explanatory, but to put it in simpler terms, I would basically call it intense bad emotional states that come on suddenly (often with little or no outside provocation) and go away just as quickly.
My periods of depression were just as described in this definition: I'd be doing great and all of a sudden slip deeply into terribly intense sadness. Sometimes there was a clearly obvious trigger: one time, when learning of the wedding of a guy I used to date, I went very suddenly into a spell of depression that lasted an entire summer. In that episode, I became despondent, detached, lost interest in things I loved, and had such as hard time functioning that I ignored several important life decisions that made a serious impact on my future. Often times, however, there were no obvious causes. Perhaps a series of tiny setbacks sparked my fall, but I will never know for sure.
The really bad depression came in episodes that lasted for several months, but an equally detrimental and just as common, symptom of my BPD was the intense rushes of depression on anxiety that came on suddenly, lasted a few hours, then went away. I could wake up feeling on top of the world and in love with life, then one small – even unimportant – setback could spark me into feeling so depressed I felt suicidal.
“Reactivity of mood” is one of the aspects I am learning to deal with, and having some small successes. In working with my therapist as well as my DBT workbook, I am learning how to be more mindful and aware of what I am thinking. I’ve found that, as a daydreamer, my mind often wanders onto thoughts that make me feel bad – such something a person said or did that hurt me, or frustrating situations in my career life. When I think about those things, I have an emotional reaction. An my emotions, like that of most borderlines, can race out of control in a matter of seconds.
I shared an example of this with my therapist today, recounting a situation in which I was thinking about having to cancel plans with a friend and ended up feeling angry and frustrated with her because I felt that she didn’t understand or care about me. But one of the beauties of DBT is learning two key skills: distress tolerance and emotional regulation. I’m not there yet, but knowing some of these skills helped keep me from lashing out at my friend or feeling much worse than I did.
So, like many with BPD, I have found hope. I know that recovery is possible. I am the proof.
full list of BPD criteria here
Criteria 6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
This one is pretty self-explanatory, but to put it in simpler terms, I would basically call it intense bad emotional states that come on suddenly (often with little or no outside provocation) and go away just as quickly.
My periods of depression were just as described in this definition: I'd be doing great and all of a sudden slip deeply into terribly intense sadness. Sometimes there was a clearly obvious trigger: one time, when learning of the wedding of a guy I used to date, I went very suddenly into a spell of depression that lasted an entire summer. In that episode, I became despondent, detached, lost interest in things I loved, and had such as hard time functioning that I ignored several important life decisions that made a serious impact on my future. Often times, however, there were no obvious causes. Perhaps a series of tiny setbacks sparked my fall, but I will never know for sure.
The really bad depression came in episodes that lasted for several months, but an equally detrimental and just as common, symptom of my BPD was the intense rushes of depression on anxiety that came on suddenly, lasted a few hours, then went away. I could wake up feeling on top of the world and in love with life, then one small – even unimportant – setback could spark me into feeling so depressed I felt suicidal.
“Reactivity of mood” is one of the aspects I am learning to deal with, and having some small successes. In working with my therapist as well as my DBT workbook, I am learning how to be more mindful and aware of what I am thinking. I’ve found that, as a daydreamer, my mind often wanders onto thoughts that make me feel bad – such something a person said or did that hurt me, or frustrating situations in my career life. When I think about those things, I have an emotional reaction. An my emotions, like that of most borderlines, can race out of control in a matter of seconds.
I shared an example of this with my therapist today, recounting a situation in which I was thinking about having to cancel plans with a friend and ended up feeling angry and frustrated with her because I felt that she didn’t understand or care about me. But one of the beauties of DBT is learning two key skills: distress tolerance and emotional regulation. I’m not there yet, but knowing some of these skills helped keep me from lashing out at my friend or feeling much worse than I did.
So, like many with BPD, I have found hope. I know that recovery is possible. I am the proof.
full list of BPD criteria here
Saturday, November 7, 2009
The Face of BPD - Part 5 of 9
Part 5 of my nine part series of what the diagnostic criteria (symptoms) of BPD look like in my own life.
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING POST MAY BE TRIGGERING TO PEOPLE WHO SELF INJURE. PLEASE DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU ARE IN A SAFE PLACE AND HAVE A METHOD TO COPE WITH S.I. URGES (SEE THE LINKS ON THE RIGHT FOR MORE INFORMATION)
Criterion #5: recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
I often question whether I am or have ever been suicidal because I have never made an actual suicide attempt. But I have felt that I wanted to cease living. When I was twelve I told someone I would kill myself, but I wasn't actually planning any way to do it. I've had the urge to crash my car into a tree while driving as well the strong desire to cut my wrists and watch them bleed, but I have never even started doing either of those things. I've checked myself into the emergency room several times saying I wanted to kill myself, but in retrospect I really only wanted to die and wasn't actually planning a method of suicide. I've wished I was never born, and I've prayed to God to take my life because I couldn't do it myself. Are all these things considered suicidal? I'm not sure...
But I have been a self-injurer for a while now. It started about five years ago, in the middle of an intense depression brought on by the end of a chaotic relationship. I had heard of cutting and self-injury, had known a few people who had done it. Randomly, in the middle of some of the most intense emotional pain I had ever felt, I self-injured for the first time. Crying on my bathroom floor, I lit a match, let it burn for a moment, then blew it out and stuck it into my upper arm. The release I felt and the rush of endorephins was compelely new to me. I injured a few more times, leaving severel small burns on my upper arms and thighs, then covered them with neosporin and band-aids to prevent scars. Although this may seem small in comparison with some self-injury stories, it was my entry into the world of S.I.
I suppose there were other signs in my life as well. Some have said that biting your cuticles or picking at scabs is a form of self injury. Throughout my life I have done both. A close observer could tell when I am really stressed by examining my hands: I will pick and chew at the edges of my thumbs until they are raw and bleeding. I have a hard time not touching or playing with pimples or small cuts and often develop tiny scars from this. And I've had several phases in my life where I pull the skin off the bottom of my feel (often using nail clippers or blades) until my soles are raw, sore and often bleeding.
Most recently I have dealt with my urges to self-injury by using replacement activities or distraction/relaxation techniques to help me avoid hurting myself. The book I am working on, The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook, as many great ideas for this. You can also find some here.
full list of BPD criteria here
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING POST MAY BE TRIGGERING TO PEOPLE WHO SELF INJURE. PLEASE DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU ARE IN A SAFE PLACE AND HAVE A METHOD TO COPE WITH S.I. URGES (SEE THE LINKS ON THE RIGHT FOR MORE INFORMATION)
Criterion #5: recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
I often question whether I am or have ever been suicidal because I have never made an actual suicide attempt. But I have felt that I wanted to cease living. When I was twelve I told someone I would kill myself, but I wasn't actually planning any way to do it. I've had the urge to crash my car into a tree while driving as well the strong desire to cut my wrists and watch them bleed, but I have never even started doing either of those things. I've checked myself into the emergency room several times saying I wanted to kill myself, but in retrospect I really only wanted to die and wasn't actually planning a method of suicide. I've wished I was never born, and I've prayed to God to take my life because I couldn't do it myself. Are all these things considered suicidal? I'm not sure...
But I have been a self-injurer for a while now. It started about five years ago, in the middle of an intense depression brought on by the end of a chaotic relationship. I had heard of cutting and self-injury, had known a few people who had done it. Randomly, in the middle of some of the most intense emotional pain I had ever felt, I self-injured for the first time. Crying on my bathroom floor, I lit a match, let it burn for a moment, then blew it out and stuck it into my upper arm. The release I felt and the rush of endorephins was compelely new to me. I injured a few more times, leaving severel small burns on my upper arms and thighs, then covered them with neosporin and band-aids to prevent scars. Although this may seem small in comparison with some self-injury stories, it was my entry into the world of S.I.
I suppose there were other signs in my life as well. Some have said that biting your cuticles or picking at scabs is a form of self injury. Throughout my life I have done both. A close observer could tell when I am really stressed by examining my hands: I will pick and chew at the edges of my thumbs until they are raw and bleeding. I have a hard time not touching or playing with pimples or small cuts and often develop tiny scars from this. And I've had several phases in my life where I pull the skin off the bottom of my feel (often using nail clippers or blades) until my soles are raw, sore and often bleeding.
Most recently I have dealt with my urges to self-injury by using replacement activities or distraction/relaxation techniques to help me avoid hurting myself. The book I am working on, The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook, as many great ideas for this. You can also find some here.
full list of BPD criteria here
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
To Write Love on Her Arms
I'm taking a break from my writing on my BPD symptoms to share the To Write Love on Her Arms movement with you. If you are not familiar with it, please click here to read the amazing story of how this program started. I think it is a phenomenal way to raise awareness and end stigma of depression, self-injury, and mental illness in general.
November 13th is "To Write Love on Her Arms" Day, so I encourage you to learn more about this movement and support it by simply writing LOVE on your own arm that day, supporting those you love with mental illness, and sharing this story with others.
November 13th is "To Write Love on Her Arms" Day, so I encourage you to learn more about this movement and support it by simply writing LOVE on your own arm that day, supporting those you love with mental illness, and sharing this story with others.
Monday, October 26, 2009
The Face of BPD (part 4 of 9)
Part 4 of my nine part series of what the diagnostic criteria (symptoms) of BPD look like in my own life.
Criterion #4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
This criterion/symptom to me was easy to confuse with bi-polar disorder. In fact, when I first contacted the mental health center for an assessment, I told them I thought I might be bi-polar, even though in the back of my mind I knew it was in fact probably BPD. I felt validated the first day I visited my therapist and she said that's what it was.
Anyway, this is short and sweet: my impulsive areas are binge eating, substance abuse, and occasionally, spending.
Binge eating has been a problem for me because I am an emotional eater. When my feelings take control and I can't feel better, I eat to numb the pain, and the more food I can enjoy the better I feel. My favorite food to soothe myself with is fast food. I think it is because I don't have to do any work to prepare it and driving in my car while listening to music to go get it is also soothing to me. I think the biggest emotional meal I ever ate was a super size double cheeseburger meal with two apple pies from McDonald's. In my memory, I think I may have continued to eat food from the refrigerator after finishing this meal. Needless to say, in the past five years or so (coincidentally the same amount of time I can recognized symptoms of BPD) I have gained a significant amount of weight from binge eating.
One of my new year's resolutions this year (before I knew about the BPD) was to try to control my emotional eating. I have had some success with it. I have often tried to replace eating with other activities such as exercising or reading. However, I am not totally in the clear. I still binge eat occasionally when things are really bad, and its harder to avoid when I actually am hungry. But by admitting it is a problem and watching out for it, I have cut down on the times I binge and have even lost 17 pounds this year - another new year's resolution met!
Another area of impusivity is substance abuse. When I tell my therapist and others that is not really a problem or addition I feel they think I'm a typical user denying the problem, but I'm telling the truth. I'm not addicted and I don't have a problem with drugs or alcohol. In fact, as of today, its been over a month since I've even had a drop to drink. The only time I've ever used anything is in those really really bad episodes where I just can't deal with the pain. In those times, it seems that the only option is to either self-medicate or to self-injure. I chose the former since it seems (for me since I don't have an addiction) to be the safest. And in those moments the usage is pretty tame: I have a few drinks until I'm just tipsy enough to fall asleep without thinking of my pain or my problems, or I take one leftover prescription painkiller to knock me out. Though its never gotten to the point of me being an alcoholic or taking anything illegal, I know the impuslivity of it is the problem, the link to BPD.
Occasionally I do go on a spending spree, but this is very rare for me. The most recent example was this summer, when I all of a sudden took the notion that I had to have a new MP3 player. I had thought about getting a new one for a while, and planned to do some research on which would be the best choice for me and my budget. But one day, when I had first started to fall into an episode, I suddenly decided I needed one now and drove 1/2 hour to the store and bought one after 5 minutes of decision. Impulsive, yes...though not bad enough for me to worry too much about my impulsive spending.
It is my hope that, now that I am learning distress tolerance and emotional regulation through DBT therapy, that I will learn to turn to these new skills rather than to eat, drink, or spend to make myself feel better.
full list of BPD criteria here
Criterion #4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
This criterion/symptom to me was easy to confuse with bi-polar disorder. In fact, when I first contacted the mental health center for an assessment, I told them I thought I might be bi-polar, even though in the back of my mind I knew it was in fact probably BPD. I felt validated the first day I visited my therapist and she said that's what it was.
Anyway, this is short and sweet: my impulsive areas are binge eating, substance abuse, and occasionally, spending.
Binge eating has been a problem for me because I am an emotional eater. When my feelings take control and I can't feel better, I eat to numb the pain, and the more food I can enjoy the better I feel. My favorite food to soothe myself with is fast food. I think it is because I don't have to do any work to prepare it and driving in my car while listening to music to go get it is also soothing to me. I think the biggest emotional meal I ever ate was a super size double cheeseburger meal with two apple pies from McDonald's. In my memory, I think I may have continued to eat food from the refrigerator after finishing this meal. Needless to say, in the past five years or so (coincidentally the same amount of time I can recognized symptoms of BPD) I have gained a significant amount of weight from binge eating.
One of my new year's resolutions this year (before I knew about the BPD) was to try to control my emotional eating. I have had some success with it. I have often tried to replace eating with other activities such as exercising or reading. However, I am not totally in the clear. I still binge eat occasionally when things are really bad, and its harder to avoid when I actually am hungry. But by admitting it is a problem and watching out for it, I have cut down on the times I binge and have even lost 17 pounds this year - another new year's resolution met!
Another area of impusivity is substance abuse. When I tell my therapist and others that is not really a problem or addition I feel they think I'm a typical user denying the problem, but I'm telling the truth. I'm not addicted and I don't have a problem with drugs or alcohol. In fact, as of today, its been over a month since I've even had a drop to drink. The only time I've ever used anything is in those really really bad episodes where I just can't deal with the pain. In those times, it seems that the only option is to either self-medicate or to self-injure. I chose the former since it seems (for me since I don't have an addiction) to be the safest. And in those moments the usage is pretty tame: I have a few drinks until I'm just tipsy enough to fall asleep without thinking of my pain or my problems, or I take one leftover prescription painkiller to knock me out. Though its never gotten to the point of me being an alcoholic or taking anything illegal, I know the impuslivity of it is the problem, the link to BPD.
Occasionally I do go on a spending spree, but this is very rare for me. The most recent example was this summer, when I all of a sudden took the notion that I had to have a new MP3 player. I had thought about getting a new one for a while, and planned to do some research on which would be the best choice for me and my budget. But one day, when I had first started to fall into an episode, I suddenly decided I needed one now and drove 1/2 hour to the store and bought one after 5 minutes of decision. Impulsive, yes...though not bad enough for me to worry too much about my impulsive spending.
It is my hope that, now that I am learning distress tolerance and emotional regulation through DBT therapy, that I will learn to turn to these new skills rather than to eat, drink, or spend to make myself feel better.
full list of BPD criteria here
Sunday, October 25, 2009
The Face of BPD (part 3 of 9)
Part 3 of my nine part series of what the diagnostic criteria (symptoms) of BPD look like in my own life.
Criteria #3:Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
I think many people learning about BPD might have a hard time understanding exactly what it means to have identity distrubance or an unstable self-image. I can give you lists of definitions or my own interpretation, but the best evidence I have is what it looks like in my own case. This involves my own personal sense of self, my life choices
My sense of who I am often changes. Like my moods, my feelings about who I am range from being a good person to a bad influence, from a happy over-achiever to a worthless loser. I might view myself in terms of being a family-oriented individual, then soon my focus shifts on how I want to succeed in my chosen career. My interests change as well, and I go through phases of what I enjoy doing the most. For several months I might be addicted to jogging; the next, knitting. It is hard for me to fill out "about me" surveys because who I think I am changes so often.
A large part of who we are deals with what we do with our life. My own life goals and career choices change so often, and have changed so often over the course of my life, that I am left feeling lost, floating on a sea of possibliities. In college I changed my major, quit, took a variety of exploratory courses, reenrolled in college, and changed my major again. Since graduation I have worked at a new job at least every year (sometimes several at a time). My career goals over the years of my adult life have included doctor, journalist, public relations, advertising, publishing or editing, teacher, nurse, pharmasist, legal aide, and social worker. Even today I am between jobs and looking to make a career change, yet every time I think I am sure I want to do one thing, I end up interested in another and change my direction altogether.
Very often, I feel like the character of Esther in Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar:
I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.
Long before I was diagnosed with BPD, I noticed another peculiar aspect of the condition. The way I acted and felt about myself often changed depending on who I was around. If I around a person who I felt comfortable with, I am self-confident, laid back and fun. If I'm sure if the person likes me or think they might be judging me, I am extremely nervous, anxious and feel like I'm worthless. Around outgoing people I tend to be vibrant and extroverted; around reserved individuals I become reserved myself.
As my sense of identity continues to shift, I am hoping that I can discover more about myself through therapy and eventually come to a more stable idea of who I am.
full list of BPD criteria here
Criteria #3:Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
I think many people learning about BPD might have a hard time understanding exactly what it means to have identity distrubance or an unstable self-image. I can give you lists of definitions or my own interpretation, but the best evidence I have is what it looks like in my own case. This involves my own personal sense of self, my life choices
My sense of who I am often changes. Like my moods, my feelings about who I am range from being a good person to a bad influence, from a happy over-achiever to a worthless loser. I might view myself in terms of being a family-oriented individual, then soon my focus shifts on how I want to succeed in my chosen career. My interests change as well, and I go through phases of what I enjoy doing the most. For several months I might be addicted to jogging; the next, knitting. It is hard for me to fill out "about me" surveys because who I think I am changes so often.
A large part of who we are deals with what we do with our life. My own life goals and career choices change so often, and have changed so often over the course of my life, that I am left feeling lost, floating on a sea of possibliities. In college I changed my major, quit, took a variety of exploratory courses, reenrolled in college, and changed my major again. Since graduation I have worked at a new job at least every year (sometimes several at a time). My career goals over the years of my adult life have included doctor, journalist, public relations, advertising, publishing or editing, teacher, nurse, pharmasist, legal aide, and social worker. Even today I am between jobs and looking to make a career change, yet every time I think I am sure I want to do one thing, I end up interested in another and change my direction altogether.
Very often, I feel like the character of Esther in Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar:
I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.
Long before I was diagnosed with BPD, I noticed another peculiar aspect of the condition. The way I acted and felt about myself often changed depending on who I was around. If I around a person who I felt comfortable with, I am self-confident, laid back and fun. If I'm sure if the person likes me or think they might be judging me, I am extremely nervous, anxious and feel like I'm worthless. Around outgoing people I tend to be vibrant and extroverted; around reserved individuals I become reserved myself.
As my sense of identity continues to shift, I am hoping that I can discover more about myself through therapy and eventually come to a more stable idea of who I am.
full list of BPD criteria here
Friday, October 23, 2009
The Face of BPD (part 2 of 9)
Part 2 of my nine part series of what the diagnostic criteria (symptoms) of BPD look like in my own life.
Diagnostic Criteria #2: a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
This one of the most recognizable aspects of BPD. It involves others who in turn notice the problem, and it is also such a chaotic and detremental part of one's life that it is hard to overlook.
In my own exploration and eventual diagnosis, the symptoms of chaotic relationship and "splitting" were impossible to miss. I could write on specific situations for hours, but will limit this post to a few key examples. Most of the following deal with romantic relationships, because I tend to have more unstable interactions with men than with other women, whether it be a boyfriend or just a guy friend (I will touch on this later in this post)
One of the first problems I noticed is a tendency to get attached to a person very quickly and be unable to detach from them. Many people with BPD report that they fall in love easily and quickly. This is true for me. I am extremely picky when it comes to dating, but when I do find myself having even a slight attraction to somebody, it spirals quickly into love and slight obsession. I used to see this at just being a romantic and believing in "love at first sight" but I know now that it is a part of my BPD.
Similarly, once I became emotionally attached to a person it is very hard to let them go by either ending the relationship or ceasing to be friends. Because I become attached so very quickly to the person I have overlooked vital flaws or intense differences in our personalities or values, which means I often care very deeply for a person with whom I am incompatible. The relationship is doomed from the beginning, though I fail to see it because I am so lovestruck. Intense disappointment and passionate fighting almost always follow, and the breakup or movement away from the person entitles a very intense grieving process. Hurt, sadness, anger, disappointment, and lack of confidence violently combine when a relationship ends for me, leading to intense periods of depression.
Unfortunately, chaos is a theme in every one of my past romantic relationships. Dramas run the gamut from intense jealously over a the other person's activities to making demands that were impossible to meet. I've often questioned whether I subconsciously create some of the dramas to keep the relationship interesting or make it feel more alive, and I think this is sometimes the case for me. However, I know that most of the turmoil in the relationship comes from the aspect of splitting.
Splitting was a complicated concept for me to understand at first, but most simply defined it is a very quick and often frequent cycle of love (idealization) and hate (devaluation) in a relationship. I see it clearly in my past relationships. For example, I once met and fell very much in love (quickly) with a guy I had met at bible study I was attending. We shared a similar faith and as I grew to like him, I placed him high on a pedestal based on the comments he had made about his beliefs and values. To me, he was good, one of the nicest men I had ever met with no serious flaws. However, once we began dating I saw that, outside of a "religious" setting, he was a very different person. It did not take long for me to drag him off the pedestal and into the realm of my hatred. In my mind, he was an evil person and I began fighting with him based on the issues I took with him. Eventually, we would work out the issues or I would see another part of him that shifted him back into my good graces. That cycle continued many times over the course of both our dating relationship and our friendship, until eventually the whole thing ended with a large fight and I spiraled into a depressive episode that took a lot of effort to overcome.
The psychological basis of splitting involves several theories I don't fully understand, and as I work through the process in therapy I hope to learn why I have developed the tendency to think in the black and white terms of splitting. I have also been exploring the reasons that almost ever example of splitting in my life involves men and not women. Some possible reasons I see for this might involve growing up in an all-female household, damage from seeing and experiencing sexual harassment during my teen years, or a very unhealthy love relationship early in my dating life.
However, regardless of the reasons, being aware that I "split" and knowing the signs of it will be helpful to me. In the future, I can recognize that I fall in love too easily and use my developing skills to control my thoughts and emotions to develop healthier relationships. I can distinguish flaws or personality aspects that I can live with in a relationship to those that make me incompatible with a guy. I can also now recognize the precursors for splitting and try to avoid the quick changeover from love to hate or from good to evil.
full list of BPD criteria here
Diagnostic Criteria #2: a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
This one of the most recognizable aspects of BPD. It involves others who in turn notice the problem, and it is also such a chaotic and detremental part of one's life that it is hard to overlook.
In my own exploration and eventual diagnosis, the symptoms of chaotic relationship and "splitting" were impossible to miss. I could write on specific situations for hours, but will limit this post to a few key examples. Most of the following deal with romantic relationships, because I tend to have more unstable interactions with men than with other women, whether it be a boyfriend or just a guy friend (I will touch on this later in this post)
One of the first problems I noticed is a tendency to get attached to a person very quickly and be unable to detach from them. Many people with BPD report that they fall in love easily and quickly. This is true for me. I am extremely picky when it comes to dating, but when I do find myself having even a slight attraction to somebody, it spirals quickly into love and slight obsession. I used to see this at just being a romantic and believing in "love at first sight" but I know now that it is a part of my BPD.
Similarly, once I became emotionally attached to a person it is very hard to let them go by either ending the relationship or ceasing to be friends. Because I become attached so very quickly to the person I have overlooked vital flaws or intense differences in our personalities or values, which means I often care very deeply for a person with whom I am incompatible. The relationship is doomed from the beginning, though I fail to see it because I am so lovestruck. Intense disappointment and passionate fighting almost always follow, and the breakup or movement away from the person entitles a very intense grieving process. Hurt, sadness, anger, disappointment, and lack of confidence violently combine when a relationship ends for me, leading to intense periods of depression.
Unfortunately, chaos is a theme in every one of my past romantic relationships. Dramas run the gamut from intense jealously over a the other person's activities to making demands that were impossible to meet. I've often questioned whether I subconsciously create some of the dramas to keep the relationship interesting or make it feel more alive, and I think this is sometimes the case for me. However, I know that most of the turmoil in the relationship comes from the aspect of splitting.
Splitting was a complicated concept for me to understand at first, but most simply defined it is a very quick and often frequent cycle of love (idealization) and hate (devaluation) in a relationship. I see it clearly in my past relationships. For example, I once met and fell very much in love (quickly) with a guy I had met at bible study I was attending. We shared a similar faith and as I grew to like him, I placed him high on a pedestal based on the comments he had made about his beliefs and values. To me, he was good, one of the nicest men I had ever met with no serious flaws. However, once we began dating I saw that, outside of a "religious" setting, he was a very different person. It did not take long for me to drag him off the pedestal and into the realm of my hatred. In my mind, he was an evil person and I began fighting with him based on the issues I took with him. Eventually, we would work out the issues or I would see another part of him that shifted him back into my good graces. That cycle continued many times over the course of both our dating relationship and our friendship, until eventually the whole thing ended with a large fight and I spiraled into a depressive episode that took a lot of effort to overcome.
The psychological basis of splitting involves several theories I don't fully understand, and as I work through the process in therapy I hope to learn why I have developed the tendency to think in the black and white terms of splitting. I have also been exploring the reasons that almost ever example of splitting in my life involves men and not women. Some possible reasons I see for this might involve growing up in an all-female household, damage from seeing and experiencing sexual harassment during my teen years, or a very unhealthy love relationship early in my dating life.
However, regardless of the reasons, being aware that I "split" and knowing the signs of it will be helpful to me. In the future, I can recognize that I fall in love too easily and use my developing skills to control my thoughts and emotions to develop healthier relationships. I can distinguish flaws or personality aspects that I can live with in a relationship to those that make me incompatible with a guy. I can also now recognize the precursors for splitting and try to avoid the quick changeover from love to hate or from good to evil.
full list of BPD criteria here
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
The Face of BPD (part 1 of 9)
Today I am starting this nine part series of what the diagnostic criteria (symptoms) of BPD look like in my own life. When I was first learning about BPD, simply reading the criteria didn't really give me a glimpse of what it was like living with the symptoms of BPD disorder on a daily basis, so I am hoping my description can help others describe their symptoms to their mental health provider.
Criterion 1: frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. (does not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5) full list of criteria here
Although this is the first on the DSM-IV's list of criteria (what I think of as symptoms) of BPD, it was definitely not one that I recognized right away. But as I dig deeper, I am seeing this to be one of the more subtle aspects of my condition, one I've dealt with overcoming before.
As a child, I suffered with separation anxieties. Leaving my home, my family, and especially my mother were extremely difficult. Even as an older child, going to school was often traumatic. Sleepovers often ended with me walking home from the friend's house in the middle of the night or my parents being called to come and get me. I suffered through the first several days of the week-long summer camp I went to every year (to the point of being physically sick and visiting the camp nurse). Even vacations with my entire family resulted in intense periods of homesickness that would leave me sick to my stomach. Even today, in my 30s, moving to a new place or starting a new job can be extremely traumatic for me.
As an adult, I can see these episodes as the beginning of abandonment issues. I'm not quite sure where they've come from, though I've spent time in the past working of some of the aspects of the attachment issues I've had with my parents. I know I still have work to do there, and perhaps one day I will figure it all out.
I think, too, that part of my often chaotic relationships are tied up in abandonment issues. In the last chaotic friendship that really effected my life, I had to have the last word. I had to be the one that said the final straw that ended the friendship. I couldn't just let go, couldn't walk away, though I knew deep down that the relationship was doomed and I was even better off without it. I wasn't seeing this person on a daily basis, so I could have just let go and ended it there. Instead, I chose to push my friendship unto to this person - and then I dug and dug until I had enough dirt on the way they were hurting others that I could finally have it out with them, tell them off, and FORCE THEM to walk away from me. In this way, I think I felt that I wasn't abandoned. It was me frantically taking control of the situation to avoid abandonment.
full list of BPD criteria here
Criterion 1: frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. (does not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5) full list of criteria here
Although this is the first on the DSM-IV's list of criteria (what I think of as symptoms) of BPD, it was definitely not one that I recognized right away. But as I dig deeper, I am seeing this to be one of the more subtle aspects of my condition, one I've dealt with overcoming before.
As a child, I suffered with separation anxieties. Leaving my home, my family, and especially my mother were extremely difficult. Even as an older child, going to school was often traumatic. Sleepovers often ended with me walking home from the friend's house in the middle of the night or my parents being called to come and get me. I suffered through the first several days of the week-long summer camp I went to every year (to the point of being physically sick and visiting the camp nurse). Even vacations with my entire family resulted in intense periods of homesickness that would leave me sick to my stomach. Even today, in my 30s, moving to a new place or starting a new job can be extremely traumatic for me.
As an adult, I can see these episodes as the beginning of abandonment issues. I'm not quite sure where they've come from, though I've spent time in the past working of some of the aspects of the attachment issues I've had with my parents. I know I still have work to do there, and perhaps one day I will figure it all out.
I think, too, that part of my often chaotic relationships are tied up in abandonment issues. In the last chaotic friendship that really effected my life, I had to have the last word. I had to be the one that said the final straw that ended the friendship. I couldn't just let go, couldn't walk away, though I knew deep down that the relationship was doomed and I was even better off without it. I wasn't seeing this person on a daily basis, so I could have just let go and ended it there. Instead, I chose to push my friendship unto to this person - and then I dug and dug until I had enough dirt on the way they were hurting others that I could finally have it out with them, tell them off, and FORCE THEM to walk away from me. In this way, I think I felt that I wasn't abandoned. It was me frantically taking control of the situation to avoid abandonment.
full list of BPD criteria here
Saturday, October 17, 2009
The Illusion of Fine
Right now, in this little moment, I am fine. I am stable. No anxiety, no panics, no distress. I'm confident in my future - my ability to find a good job, to find some purpose in my life, to move on and become who I want to be. And its nice being fine - it gives me a heady feeling of comfort. But I know all to well that fineness can be an illusion.
For someone with BPD, emotions change quickly, often for no reason. The smallest occurrence, remark, or setback and send one quite literally into the depths of dis pair. I know, and recognize, this part of my condition. So although I'm enjoying the fineness, I know of its transience and am planning how to react when it is gone.
Just six months ago, I was fine. In fact, I was more than fine, I was on top of the world. I was beyond happy, confident, working hard and planning. I was confident in the future, looking forward to what life had for me, and had no idea what hell laid ahead. I was happy, yet it took only a few weeks, a few small situations and a few inconsequential people, to topple me. And once I fell, it took me months to get back up.
So now, today, I'm fine. But I know it will not last. So I continue to learn about the skills I will need when I fall again, when I am not fine. I'm practicing distress tolerance now, in little situations that ignite my emotions, like having a mistaken credit card charge. That way, when the big things come, when someone betrays me or breaks my heart again, or I lose something I worked so hard for, I will be ready. Ready to take those three steps to dealing with stress: Distract, Relax and Cope.
I'm glad to be fine, and I don't always think its an illusion in and of itself. But we set ourselves up for failure if we become so lulled by our fineness that we think out problems are over, that we've completely and forever healed, and that we'll never have another episode again. That's when we buy into the illusion that fineness sets up for us, and we let down our guard and fall.
Right now I'm fine, but next time I fall, I think I'll be ready.
For someone with BPD, emotions change quickly, often for no reason. The smallest occurrence, remark, or setback and send one quite literally into the depths of dis pair. I know, and recognize, this part of my condition. So although I'm enjoying the fineness, I know of its transience and am planning how to react when it is gone.
Just six months ago, I was fine. In fact, I was more than fine, I was on top of the world. I was beyond happy, confident, working hard and planning. I was confident in the future, looking forward to what life had for me, and had no idea what hell laid ahead. I was happy, yet it took only a few weeks, a few small situations and a few inconsequential people, to topple me. And once I fell, it took me months to get back up.
So now, today, I'm fine. But I know it will not last. So I continue to learn about the skills I will need when I fall again, when I am not fine. I'm practicing distress tolerance now, in little situations that ignite my emotions, like having a mistaken credit card charge. That way, when the big things come, when someone betrays me or breaks my heart again, or I lose something I worked so hard for, I will be ready. Ready to take those three steps to dealing with stress: Distract, Relax and Cope.
I'm glad to be fine, and I don't always think its an illusion in and of itself. But we set ourselves up for failure if we become so lulled by our fineness that we think out problems are over, that we've completely and forever healed, and that we'll never have another episode again. That's when we buy into the illusion that fineness sets up for us, and we let down our guard and fall.
Right now I'm fine, but next time I fall, I think I'll be ready.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Some Thoughts from My Little Notebook
I keep a small notebook in my purse right now - so that it will always be with me - with lists of things I have been learning about dealing with stress, tolerating crises, and coping. Most of these come from The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook, with some being slightly modified by me. Since I've been both busy and under the weather this week and haven't blogged or written much, they'll make for an easy share today:
FAVORITE COPING THOUGHTS
FAVORITE COPING THOUGHTS
- My feelings make me uncomfortable right now, but I can accept them
- I've survived other situations like this before, and I'll survive this one too.
- I can take all the time I need right now to let go and relax
- My thoughts don't control my life, I do. I can think different thoughts if I want to.
- My anxiety/fear/sadness/anger won't kill me, it just doesn't feel very good right now
- There are just my feelings and eventually they'll go away.
- I can only control myself and my feelings.
- I can't control how others act, but I can control how I react to others
- I'm a sensitive person who experiences the world differently and who has rich emotional experiences (I love that one - its so true for me)
- I'm good, and nobody's perfect
- Even though bad things have happened and I've made mistakes, I am still a good person
- There's a purpose to my life, even though I might not always see it.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
We Can Mend
I love Grey's Anatomy. Not for the drama, or even for the medicine (although I am a science buff), but for the simple fact that it makes me feel not so alone. Meredith, Izzy, Cristina...they all as neurotic as I am. And watching them gives me company in my chaos and strength to face my own problems.
I recently went through a tumultuous relationship and I had to spend several months in the process of mending. It seemed impossible. I fell worse than Meredith, and I never thought I would feel better again. But as time goes by and I learn how to cope, the pain has lessened. So as I was watching an old episode tonight I saw Bailey say to Derek, after he left Meredith:
"No she's not [ok]. She’s a human traffic accident and everybody is slowing down to look at the wreckage. She’s doing the best she can with what she has left. Look, I know you can’t see this because you’re in it but you can’t help her now. It’ll only make it worse. Walk away. Leave her to mend."
That was me, the human traffic accident. I didn't even know I was mending - at the time I was trying to survive. Getting out of bed just to get something to eat and crawl back into the darkness. Surviving. Knowing those around me knew I was stranded in my loneliness, just feeling the hurt and letting it be real to me. Letting the situation soak in, and learning how to cope so I could deal with it.
I hurt so much after I lost this person, and wanted nothing more than for them to come back into my life, apologize, accept my apology, and make me feel better. That was the fantasy. But the reality was different. We both said and did things that did irreparable damage, and though I would give anything to fix it, the other party did not feel the same way. That was the reality. And by being left, as hard as it was and as long as it took, I could mend. And even though I couldn't "see it" because I was "in it," mending was possible.
In another episode Meredith told Derek:
"I'm all glued back together now. I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke."
She was talking about the relationships she had that helped her get over McDreamy...I, on the other hand, had to make tough decisions to get myself back up. People knew about my struggle but were helpless to lend me a hand. And I even had to heartbreakingly stand up for what I believed in, all alone, when it was the hardest thing in the world and would make me lose all I thought I had. But in time, I got glued back together. I did what I had to do to survive, then fix. That's reality - that's radical acceptance in a nutshell. I make no apologies. Meredith got glued back together. I can to. Mending is possible. We can mend.
I recently went through a tumultuous relationship and I had to spend several months in the process of mending. It seemed impossible. I fell worse than Meredith, and I never thought I would feel better again. But as time goes by and I learn how to cope, the pain has lessened. So as I was watching an old episode tonight I saw Bailey say to Derek, after he left Meredith:
"No she's not [ok]. She’s a human traffic accident and everybody is slowing down to look at the wreckage. She’s doing the best she can with what she has left. Look, I know you can’t see this because you’re in it but you can’t help her now. It’ll only make it worse. Walk away. Leave her to mend."
That was me, the human traffic accident. I didn't even know I was mending - at the time I was trying to survive. Getting out of bed just to get something to eat and crawl back into the darkness. Surviving. Knowing those around me knew I was stranded in my loneliness, just feeling the hurt and letting it be real to me. Letting the situation soak in, and learning how to cope so I could deal with it.
I hurt so much after I lost this person, and wanted nothing more than for them to come back into my life, apologize, accept my apology, and make me feel better. That was the fantasy. But the reality was different. We both said and did things that did irreparable damage, and though I would give anything to fix it, the other party did not feel the same way. That was the reality. And by being left, as hard as it was and as long as it took, I could mend. And even though I couldn't "see it" because I was "in it," mending was possible.
In another episode Meredith told Derek:
"I'm all glued back together now. I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke."
She was talking about the relationships she had that helped her get over McDreamy...I, on the other hand, had to make tough decisions to get myself back up. People knew about my struggle but were helpless to lend me a hand. And I even had to heartbreakingly stand up for what I believed in, all alone, when it was the hardest thing in the world and would make me lose all I thought I had. But in time, I got glued back together. I did what I had to do to survive, then fix. That's reality - that's radical acceptance in a nutshell. I make no apologies. Meredith got glued back together. I can to. Mending is possible. We can mend.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Working Girl
Working is hard when you are in the middle of a depressive episode. Luckily, I had vacation time scheduled right as my latest one started, so the days when I couldn't get out of bed didn't interfere with my life. And I am blessed now to be at a very flexible on-call job where I don't have to work everyday and can turn down a day's work if I need to. But that flexibility makes it harder...its hard enough to get up out of bed on these cold fall mornings and get myself going under normal circumstances, but when I wake up feeling tired or depressed or angry it takes everything in me to get up and get to work.
We are not safe from our emotions anywhere - and work is no exception. For me, anger strikes in the most unusual of places and kicks me when I'm down (I, who's default emotion is anger in most every situation, and who rarely expresses it but buries it inside, making for more hurt and even bigger blow-ups when the explosions come). So today, my anger crept up on me at work, in a short 10-minutes of downtime. Its like a sports car - 0 to 60 in a matter of seconds. One moment I am find, the next filled with anger and hurt...and today I felt hurt knowing that the person who hurt me most recently is out there, going on with their life as if they didn't break me into a million pieces...and on the way to breaking someone else again, perhaps at that very moment I was sitting at work, in my chair, just trying to get through the day.
So today I was thankful for the notebook I've been keeping - the one I've filled with coping thoughts and self-affirming statements, and quotes from my favorite TV shows and music. I just read them over and over and over until the short break I had passed, and even wrote down a new quote I had heard a few days ago in a song. And I was swept back into the world of busy-ness again...
We are not safe from our emotions anywhere - and work is no exception. For me, anger strikes in the most unusual of places and kicks me when I'm down (I, who's default emotion is anger in most every situation, and who rarely expresses it but buries it inside, making for more hurt and even bigger blow-ups when the explosions come). So today, my anger crept up on me at work, in a short 10-minutes of downtime. Its like a sports car - 0 to 60 in a matter of seconds. One moment I am find, the next filled with anger and hurt...and today I felt hurt knowing that the person who hurt me most recently is out there, going on with their life as if they didn't break me into a million pieces...and on the way to breaking someone else again, perhaps at that very moment I was sitting at work, in my chair, just trying to get through the day.
So today I was thankful for the notebook I've been keeping - the one I've filled with coping thoughts and self-affirming statements, and quotes from my favorite TV shows and music. I just read them over and over and over until the short break I had passed, and even wrote down a new quote I had heard a few days ago in a song. And I was swept back into the world of busy-ness again...
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Emergency Coping Plan
Just coming out of some sort of anxiety attack (I don't think it is an anxiety attack in the strict sense of the word, but I know no other term for these intense onsets of anger and sadness that come with BPD so I'll just go with that). Since I just finished writing my emergency coping plans from the Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Skills Workbook, I'll post it here and elaborate a bit:
MY EMERGENCY COPING PLAN FOR DEALING WITH SITUATIONS WHEN I'M UPSET AND ALONE
1. First, I'll distract myself by counting, reading quotes, or using self-injury replacement
2. Next, I'll relax with a bath or comfy clothes, listening to soothing music or a relaxation technique
3. Then, I'll tell myself coping thoughts and/or pray about my feelings/situation
4. Finally, I'll radically accept my situation, write out my feelings it I need to or plan to share them in therapy.
Today was the first day I've had to use the plan, and although I deviated from it a bit I think it is a good thing. Not sure what brought me to this point - yesterday was a good day, a day when .something happened that made me feel validated in how I handed a recent problem in my life. But today, I woke up with a migraine. I had to take two excederin to ward it off, and that coupled with the soda I drank put too much caffeine into my system which in turn made me anxious and jittery. I'm worried about the future and my career path. I'm remembering and angry - very angry - about the situation that I felt validated about yesterday, and tonight I am forcing myself to go out into a social situation I really don't want to do, but feel would be good for my well-being. So it all culminated in a huge rush of anger, irritability, and anxiety just a few moments ago.
So I got out my book and followed the plan:
1. I squeezed an ice cube and snapped a rubber band on my wrist as a replacement for self-injury (my anger and sadness make me immediately crave my personal choice of SI, burning). I walked around the house counting backward from 100 by 7s (I personally think this is very effective as it is not only distracting and time-consuming as I have the numerical form of dyslexia - but I theorize it activates the logical side of your brain, which I don't seem to use enough and goes out the window altogether when I'm upset). By the time I got to into the -30s I was lying on my bed, breathing slowly again and feeling somewhat calmed down.
2. I didn't have time to take a bath as I'm getting ready for my outing, but I did lay there for a bit in my favorite sweatshirt, which is very comforting to me. I did a few deep breathes, and something I didn't add to my plan but read in the book - thought about a person I love (my nephew).
3. I flipped back in the book to my chart on coping thoughts to use in different situations. For getting mad about this particular situation (a betrayal by a friend), I had written down the following:
MY EMERGENCY COPING PLAN FOR DEALING WITH SITUATIONS WHEN I'M UPSET AND ALONE
1. First, I'll distract myself by counting, reading quotes, or using self-injury replacement
2. Next, I'll relax with a bath or comfy clothes, listening to soothing music or a relaxation technique
3. Then, I'll tell myself coping thoughts and/or pray about my feelings/situation
4. Finally, I'll radically accept my situation, write out my feelings it I need to or plan to share them in therapy.
Today was the first day I've had to use the plan, and although I deviated from it a bit I think it is a good thing. Not sure what brought me to this point - yesterday was a good day, a day when .something happened that made me feel validated in how I handed a recent problem in my life. But today, I woke up with a migraine. I had to take two excederin to ward it off, and that coupled with the soda I drank put too much caffeine into my system which in turn made me anxious and jittery. I'm worried about the future and my career path. I'm remembering and angry - very angry - about the situation that I felt validated about yesterday, and tonight I am forcing myself to go out into a social situation I really don't want to do, but feel would be good for my well-being. So it all culminated in a huge rush of anger, irritability, and anxiety just a few moments ago.
So I got out my book and followed the plan:
1. I squeezed an ice cube and snapped a rubber band on my wrist as a replacement for self-injury (my anger and sadness make me immediately crave my personal choice of SI, burning). I walked around the house counting backward from 100 by 7s (I personally think this is very effective as it is not only distracting and time-consuming as I have the numerical form of dyslexia - but I theorize it activates the logical side of your brain, which I don't seem to use enough and goes out the window altogether when I'm upset). By the time I got to into the -30s I was lying on my bed, breathing slowly again and feeling somewhat calmed down.
2. I didn't have time to take a bath as I'm getting ready for my outing, but I did lay there for a bit in my favorite sweatshirt, which is very comforting to me. I did a few deep breathes, and something I didn't add to my plan but read in the book - thought about a person I love (my nephew).
3. I flipped back in the book to my chart on coping thoughts to use in different situations. For getting mad about this particular situation (a betrayal by a friend), I had written down the following:
- I can take all the time I need to let go and relax. I may not be able to control others, but I can control myself.
- It's ok to hurt sometimes, and my hurt will not kill me.
- These are just my feelings and eventually they'll go away.
I kept repeating that last one over and over, just under my breath, since I know the feelings of hurt and betrayal and anger do go away, because I have recently been able to experience days when I have let them go and don't feel the pain (that doesn't happen often enough yet, but I have come a long way from feeling hurt 24/7 like I used to, and I know I'll keep getting better).
4. Finally, I'll radically accept my situation, write out my feelings if I need to or plan to share them in therapy. Radical Acceptance is hard concept for me - I've only just learned it, don't fully understand it and don't know if I can actually manage to do it. But I try. I look at the situation I've been through, when someone I cared for lied, hurt me, and betrayed my trust. I accept the decisions that this other person made were their choices, not mine, and I can't control that fact that they valued me and our friendship so little that they made those choices. I accept my part in the rocky relationship as well, the way I lashed out at this person, fought with them, and let the hurt me further by my not knowing and using coping skills when they hurt me. I'm trying - though it is difficult - to just accept both of our actions without judging them, and reminding myself that I can change how I react to such situations in the future.
So here I am on the final step - writing out my feelings. In a way, too, I am sharing them, though not formally with my therapist or support group. But I'm sending them off into cyberspace this afternoon, and perhaps someone will read them and they'll make an impact.
- It's ok to hurt sometimes, and my hurt will not kill me.
- These are just my feelings and eventually they'll go away.
I kept repeating that last one over and over, just under my breath, since I know the feelings of hurt and betrayal and anger do go away, because I have recently been able to experience days when I have let them go and don't feel the pain (that doesn't happen often enough yet, but I have come a long way from feeling hurt 24/7 like I used to, and I know I'll keep getting better).
4. Finally, I'll radically accept my situation, write out my feelings if I need to or plan to share them in therapy. Radical Acceptance is hard concept for me - I've only just learned it, don't fully understand it and don't know if I can actually manage to do it. But I try. I look at the situation I've been through, when someone I cared for lied, hurt me, and betrayed my trust. I accept the decisions that this other person made were their choices, not mine, and I can't control that fact that they valued me and our friendship so little that they made those choices. I accept my part in the rocky relationship as well, the way I lashed out at this person, fought with them, and let the hurt me further by my not knowing and using coping skills when they hurt me. I'm trying - though it is difficult - to just accept both of our actions without judging them, and reminding myself that I can change how I react to such situations in the future.
So here I am on the final step - writing out my feelings. In a way, too, I am sharing them, though not formally with my therapist or support group. But I'm sending them off into cyberspace this afternoon, and perhaps someone will read them and they'll make an impact.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Something Fishy
My therapist seems especially impressed with the fact that I am so determined to overcome - or at least manage - my BPD, as though I just discovered it and decided to treat it. I've only seen her three times so far - the relationship is just beginning and I'm still learning to trust - and I haven't told her that I have suspected I've had BPD for three years now, and that looking back I believe that the onset of the disorder goes back at least several year before that. So finally, after half a decade with the symptoms, several years of thinking I may be a borderline, and several courses of therapy designed to treat just the depression aspect of my condition, I am ready to dive right in and get this taken care of. I am tired of the major depressive episodes that strike me at least once a year, of the daily roller coaster of emotion, of the sudden jolts of overwhelming anxiety or anger that interfere with my career and my relationships, of the impulses that lead me to make unhealthy choices.
So I've had a positive impulse - after reading that Omega-3 Fatty Acids may be beneficial to treating the aggression and depression aspects of BPD (both of which I've majorly struggled with in my most recent episode), I rushed out that night to buy a bottle of fish oil capsules. I'm not huge on alternative medicine but I also don't doubt its benefits, and if there is any chance it might help me I will at least try it. In addition, can help lower high blood pressure which I also have, so hopefully I can kill two birds with one stone...or with the six four smelling capsules I now take everyday!
So I've had a positive impulse - after reading that Omega-3 Fatty Acids may be beneficial to treating the aggression and depression aspects of BPD (both of which I've majorly struggled with in my most recent episode), I rushed out that night to buy a bottle of fish oil capsules. I'm not huge on alternative medicine but I also don't doubt its benefits, and if there is any chance it might help me I will at least try it. In addition, can help lower high blood pressure which I also have, so hopefully I can kill two birds with one stone...or with the six four smelling capsules I now take everyday!
Friday, September 25, 2009
The Difference a Day Makes
Yesterday, I had a good day. It was a cool, sunny autumn day. I went off to work. I visited the library. I ate an ice cream, chatted with some friends, did some shopping, and watched my favorite TV show. I forgave and forgot the boy who most recently broke my heart. I controlled my emotions and was content. In all, a good day.
But less than 24 hours later all if opposite. It's rainy and gloomy. I woke up angry and feel forlorn and abandoned. I stayed home. I haven't eaten, gotten out of my pajamas, and don't want to go into work. I hate that boy today - feel the sun is shining on him but hiding from me. Today is different. But...today I have a blog.
What a difference a day makes. And in the life of a borderline, just small moments can make all the difference in the world. For me, that is one of the hardest parts of this life to cope with. And since we are sensitive people who see the world differently than everyone else, the littlest things happening in a moment, a day, can change our world.
I have just completed the first few chapters in The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Workbook, so I now have a wealth of new coping mechanisms to use in those situations when the hurt and anger come on so strong that they burn through my nerves, make me lie there and shake from the emotional pain. So far today, I have not hit that point: I dangle above it, but I haven't quite fallen that far. Yet yesterday I and other could have thought perhaps I'd stepped out of the current shadow I've been under. But today I'm in it again. What a difference a day can make.
But less than 24 hours later all if opposite. It's rainy and gloomy. I woke up angry and feel forlorn and abandoned. I stayed home. I haven't eaten, gotten out of my pajamas, and don't want to go into work. I hate that boy today - feel the sun is shining on him but hiding from me. Today is different. But...today I have a blog.
What a difference a day makes. And in the life of a borderline, just small moments can make all the difference in the world. For me, that is one of the hardest parts of this life to cope with. And since we are sensitive people who see the world differently than everyone else, the littlest things happening in a moment, a day, can change our world.
I have just completed the first few chapters in The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Workbook, so I now have a wealth of new coping mechanisms to use in those situations when the hurt and anger come on so strong that they burn through my nerves, make me lie there and shake from the emotional pain. So far today, I have not hit that point: I dangle above it, but I haven't quite fallen that far. Yet yesterday I and other could have thought perhaps I'd stepped out of the current shadow I've been under. But today I'm in it again. What a difference a day can make.
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