I'm tired today.
The reason is I have a new job. Finally, a real job.
So far, so good. I like it, but it has been hard. The hard part is the transition, new places and people and all the overwhelming emotions and anxiety that go with it.
I'm working had everyday to overcome myself and be who I really am inside.
That's tiring, but I know it will be worth it.
If there's one thing I've learned about life, its this: sometimes it sucks. But during those hard times, all you have to do is survive. And better times are always around the corner.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
I'm Not Dead Yet
Haven't had much time lately for keeping up with this outlet, but I'm squeezing in a few minutes tonight. I'm alive, somehow I'm alive, and I feel like I shouldn't be. With all I've been through in the past few months, with the fact that I'm unemployed and somewhat homeless, trying to find my place in the world when I can't even find a substaintial job in this economy...I should be at rock bottom, right?
But I'm not, and I don't know why. The only thing I can think of is those little coping strategies that lurk in the back of my brain and creep up when things get back. Like when I spend the day applying for 50 jobs (and no that's not an exaggeration - I kept track the other day) and I get so tired and frustrated and feeling that the world is so unfair when I have worked so hard and given so much...and at the end of it I just cry and want to give up, and this little piece of me tells me to slow down, take a break, have a nap or go for a drive, and let my body calm down until I can handle it again.
Or when I couple the job situation with the fact that I don't know where I am going to be living in a few weeks, let alone sleeping next week and the urge creeps into me to just hurt myself, to just scratch up that perfect smooth skin on my arms, and I think back to that red marker I keep in my purse to simulate the activity so I don't really do it.
I dont know. I may fall apart here very soon. And there have been some bad times when I didn't feel like I could go on. But after I calmed down I did. I'm not dead yet, and that means something, right?
But I'm not, and I don't know why. The only thing I can think of is those little coping strategies that lurk in the back of my brain and creep up when things get back. Like when I spend the day applying for 50 jobs (and no that's not an exaggeration - I kept track the other day) and I get so tired and frustrated and feeling that the world is so unfair when I have worked so hard and given so much...and at the end of it I just cry and want to give up, and this little piece of me tells me to slow down, take a break, have a nap or go for a drive, and let my body calm down until I can handle it again.
Or when I couple the job situation with the fact that I don't know where I am going to be living in a few weeks, let alone sleeping next week and the urge creeps into me to just hurt myself, to just scratch up that perfect smooth skin on my arms, and I think back to that red marker I keep in my purse to simulate the activity so I don't really do it.
I dont know. I may fall apart here very soon. And there have been some bad times when I didn't feel like I could go on. But after I calmed down I did. I'm not dead yet, and that means something, right?
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Dissociated
I feel horrible about not updating lately. Not too horrible, because my life has been hell the past few weeks. Just a few of the things that have happened: huge fights in my family, I interviewed for a job and did not get it, I became very discourage on my job search, someone close to me is having a very hard time, I have major issues with my living situation, I met up with someone from my past who I do not get along with and who makes me very angry to be around, and on top of I had my period dammit!!!
Most of this past week or so, I have been pretty dissociative. That aspect of BPD used to scare me - I thought I was going crazy or having a complete breakdown when it would happen. But after being diagnosed and learning about it I have come to accept it as a part of who I am. This has been so dynamic for me - to learn that sometimes my emotions just sort of "shut down" because I can't handle them anymore. My body and mind take a break from it all, because it just can't handle anymore.
And every once and a while, that's ok. I know now that I am not going to lose myself, or go crazy. Its just a temporary break.
And actually, it kind of made me feel better. Knowing that I was sort of "checked out" for a while allowed me to function at about 98% normal for this week. I was pretty quiet and zoned most of the time, and I barely ate, but I went to work every day and made it through the day. I managed to answer the phone when the job rejection call came. I managed to speak civilly to the person I cannot stand (and actually came out feeling better knowing that thought we will never be friends and least I am not full of hate anymore) And I made it through the lonely nights at home even when they were really hard.
Don't get me wrong, dissociation sucks and I will be glad to come to the day when I never experience it again. It sucks because in the middle of this episode I went to a dear family member's graduation and I barely even felt like I was there. I know it should have been wonderful to see all my distant family that I never get to see, and celebrate with them, but I was just floating around the party scraping up small talk. I would have liked to have been my normal self at that party. But with all that had happened, I couldn't. But someday, I know I will...
Most of this past week or so, I have been pretty dissociative. That aspect of BPD used to scare me - I thought I was going crazy or having a complete breakdown when it would happen. But after being diagnosed and learning about it I have come to accept it as a part of who I am. This has been so dynamic for me - to learn that sometimes my emotions just sort of "shut down" because I can't handle them anymore. My body and mind take a break from it all, because it just can't handle anymore.
And every once and a while, that's ok. I know now that I am not going to lose myself, or go crazy. Its just a temporary break.
And actually, it kind of made me feel better. Knowing that I was sort of "checked out" for a while allowed me to function at about 98% normal for this week. I was pretty quiet and zoned most of the time, and I barely ate, but I went to work every day and made it through the day. I managed to answer the phone when the job rejection call came. I managed to speak civilly to the person I cannot stand (and actually came out feeling better knowing that thought we will never be friends and least I am not full of hate anymore) And I made it through the lonely nights at home even when they were really hard.
Don't get me wrong, dissociation sucks and I will be glad to come to the day when I never experience it again. It sucks because in the middle of this episode I went to a dear family member's graduation and I barely even felt like I was there. I know it should have been wonderful to see all my distant family that I never get to see, and celebrate with them, but I was just floating around the party scraping up small talk. I would have liked to have been my normal self at that party. But with all that had happened, I couldn't. But someday, I know I will...
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
My Athletic Life (and Reaping its Benefits)
I have recently tapped into the benefits of exercise, having just trained for and completed my first 5K race (a longtime dream!). My therapist was thrilled to learn I was running and exercising, especially since she felt it would somewhat make up for the lack of prozac in my system and ease the withdrawl as I went off that particular pill. I was thinking today about my athletic life. We can have a professional life, a personal life, a sex life...why not an athletic life? My athletic life is seperate from my other lives - such as my work life and my life as a person with BPD. When I'm out running or training, I am in another world - a world where working hard does equal results (like it doesn't often in the confusing real life world) and you can set goals and reach them by following a logical, prescribed sequence.
But its been a long road to here. The road from non-runner to a 5k race was long enough on its own, but that's not the long road I'm talking about. When you have BPD and hate your life and/or you are depressed, its hard enough to get out of bed. Let alone go out and run. Or even pop in a 20 minute workout video and get through it without crying about how miserable you are. I've done all those things before, and I don't really know how I overcame them this time around. Maybe its because I started getting better, or maybe I started getting better becuase of all the exercise. If I figure it out I'll let you know.
But while I figure it out, I'll share this article from active.com about the physiological effects exercise has on your body and mood. Its easy enough for our therapists or doctors or loved ones to tell us to go out and exercise because its good for us. But its an entirely different thing to do it when you are in the world we life in. So I hope that this article inspires some of you with its simple and logical reasons to add some form - any form - of exercise to your recovery.
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But its been a long road to here. The road from non-runner to a 5k race was long enough on its own, but that's not the long road I'm talking about. When you have BPD and hate your life and/or you are depressed, its hard enough to get out of bed. Let alone go out and run. Or even pop in a 20 minute workout video and get through it without crying about how miserable you are. I've done all those things before, and I don't really know how I overcame them this time around. Maybe its because I started getting better, or maybe I started getting better becuase of all the exercise. If I figure it out I'll let you know.
But while I figure it out, I'll share this article from active.com about the physiological effects exercise has on your body and mood. Its easy enough for our therapists or doctors or loved ones to tell us to go out and exercise because its good for us. But its an entirely different thing to do it when you are in the world we life in. So I hope that this article inspires some of you with its simple and logical reasons to add some form - any form - of exercise to your recovery.
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7 Ways Exercise Relieves Stress
I'm a self-confessed "stress-pot". It's not an easy admission to make, simply because I hate being stressed. And knowing I stress over little things, stresses me out more.
Without exercise, I'd be locked at home, brimming with stress and depression. I know because I've been there when injured. It's something you only notice if exercise is a central part of your being.
Most people I know who workout regularly say that they use exercise to manage their stress--as well as to look better, be healthier and all the rest.
It seems that if exercise isn't a part of your life, you might be at a disadvantage when it comes to daily stressful situations. By starting to exercise, you can learn to stress less.
That may not be the case for everyone and there are other ways to cope with stress, but for me, exercise is the most natural, effective and cheap coping mechanism. Exercise and stress are closely related.
How Does Exercise Relieve Stress?
If you don't have a very active lifestyle, and often feel strangled by stress and depression, you may want to take note.
Here are the main ways exercise and stress are connected:
Body Systems
When stressed, each of your body systems (cardiovascular, nervous, respiratory, muscular etc.) need to interact efficiently for you to respond well. Exercise helps your body systems practice interacting with each other, in a healthy way. This directly leads to a better overall response to stress.
Endorphins
These are your natural pain killers that give you a "high". Although more research is needed, there's no doubt that long periods of moderate to high intensity exercise, does have a happy affect on your emotions.
Fight or Flight
This is your natural reaction to any stressful situation. The problem is that much of today's stress doesn't require either physical fighting or running. But your body still provides the chemicals for it, which can be harmful if they remain. The best and most logical way to clear the chemicals, is to actually do some exercise.
Rhythm and Flow
Some exercise, like running and cycling, lets you get into a rhythm. That rhythmic flow of a repeat action relaxes your mind. It's a bit like focusing on nothing and everything at the same time. It's your time. Just make sure you keep an eye on where you're going!
Socialize
Any sport or exercise with friends, gives you the chance to socialise, that you may not normally get. "Having a laugh" with friends is more than just fun. It gives you a chance to share your problems, and know that someone is there if you need them.
Better Sleep
Lack of sleep often leads to a vicious cycle. You become more stressed and anxious during the day, which means it's even harder to sleep at night. Exercise not only helps break that cycle, but can lead to a positive cycle instead. When you sleep well, you'll have more energy in the day and be more productive.
Organize your Life
Stress is often caused by a lack of organisation and planning, whether it's in your work life or home life. Following a workout plan, where you set yourself goals and ultimately have a sense of achievement, will help you transfer those skills to the rest of your life.
Stress Busting Exercises
When it comes down to it, any exercise is better than none. Don't worry about which exercise is the best for others, focus on yourself and what you enjoy.
If you're not sure, then try different things out. Use the buttons on the top left of this page to find something you enjoy.
Here are some more tips to exercise and stress less:
Mix up your exercise. It depends on your goals (burn fat, get fitter, build muscle etc.), but including a mix of, for example, aerobic, interval and circuit exercises will benefit you the most overall, when dealing with stress.
Adapt your exercise to your type of stress. If you tend to feel out of control, try rhythmic exercise (as described above - running, swimming, cycling etc.) and some yoga or pilates to focus your energy. If you tend to feel angry and aggressive, try combat exercise like martial arts or boxing.
Make the first move. I know it's hard when you're stressed out, depressed and don't feel like moving a muscle. The problem is, things will just feel worse if you don't. So, however small it is, make that first move. It could literally be putting on your exercise shoes and going for a walk. Build from there.
Take it easy. If you're just getting started with exercise, go slow. If you have any concerns, see your health professional first. There's no point jumping in head first if you pick up an injury.
Final Word
Now you know the many connections between exercise and stress. The facts are hard to ignore, try doing some exercise today and see if it makes a difference.
If you know anyone who always seems to be stressed or short-tempered, let them know about exercise and stress. You can't force anyone to do anything, but you can point them in the right direction.
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Wednesday, May 26, 2010
"Autobiography in Five Short Chapters"
Found this great poem while reading at work today. I could ramble on about what it means to me in my own journey of discovery, or what it could mean to you, but I think it speaks for itself...
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Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
by Portia Nelson
Chapter I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit ... but,
my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
Chapter IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
Chapter V
I walk down another street.
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Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
by Portia Nelson
Chapter I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit ... but,
my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
Chapter IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
Chapter V
I walk down another street.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
The Failures and the Victories
I had a bad episode this past weekend. I won't go into all the details, because its so complicated. But suffice it to say a lot of little triggers came together to set me off and I was also treated badly by my family, so I briefly lost control.
When this happens now - when my emotions take control and I lose conscious control of myself - my mind automatically seeks a way to "distract, relax, cope." The method I chose to use this time was to listen to meditations on my ipod (some I've downloaded and others I recorded myself out of my DBT book). However, my ipod was dead and I had no way to do this, and this exacerbated the problem. When I did finally get my ipod going, I listened to this one and it calmed me down.
Then I focused on coping - I used several coping thoughts from my book. I practiced radical acceptance - I accepted the fact that people were treating me bad without hurting or judging them, just accepted it so I could move on. I went to work that same day, feeling terrible, but went. I avoided situations that would make the problem worse, even though it meant leaving home for the rest of the weekend. And though I have been sad in spirit for days now, I got up Monday morning and went back to my own life.
In life we have failures, and I may always have the problem of losing physiological control and having my emotions hurt me all over. But we have victories too. And the choices I made were the victories.
I still hurt. But I'm not frantic and angry anymore - I've relaxed enough to begin the coping process. And I'm carrying on. So fitting that the other night on a rerun of "Sex and the City" this quote from Carrie - after she tried being a model and fell on the catwalk during a fashion show - caught my attention:
"When people fall down in real life, they get right back up and keep walking"
When this happens now - when my emotions take control and I lose conscious control of myself - my mind automatically seeks a way to "distract, relax, cope." The method I chose to use this time was to listen to meditations on my ipod (some I've downloaded and others I recorded myself out of my DBT book). However, my ipod was dead and I had no way to do this, and this exacerbated the problem. When I did finally get my ipod going, I listened to this one and it calmed me down.
Then I focused on coping - I used several coping thoughts from my book. I practiced radical acceptance - I accepted the fact that people were treating me bad without hurting or judging them, just accepted it so I could move on. I went to work that same day, feeling terrible, but went. I avoided situations that would make the problem worse, even though it meant leaving home for the rest of the weekend. And though I have been sad in spirit for days now, I got up Monday morning and went back to my own life.
In life we have failures, and I may always have the problem of losing physiological control and having my emotions hurt me all over. But we have victories too. And the choices I made were the victories.
I still hurt. But I'm not frantic and angry anymore - I've relaxed enough to begin the coping process. And I'm carrying on. So fitting that the other night on a rerun of "Sex and the City" this quote from Carrie - after she tried being a model and fell on the catwalk during a fashion show - caught my attention:
"When people fall down in real life, they get right back up and keep walking"
Monday, May 10, 2010
Where in the hell am I? And where did my normal self go???
So I have been in a weird mood for the past week.
It started last week when the last computer in the house that worked stopped working. Now I have two that will not get online, so I have to go to my work or the library to get all my work done. And I have a lot of work and it is stressing me out. On top of my day job, I am looking for a new job and applying for at least a dozen a week and getting nowhere - its a lot of work getting together nice resumes and cover letters - or spend 5 hours filling out an online application - and pisses me off when I don't even get a simple confirmation from them.
I am thinking about taking a job 8 hours away and that is scary! I have tried that before and failed at it. My therapist and I have discussed both the failures and my possible future moving away at great ends. I have lots of coping stragagies worked out that I can use to get me through it, and I think its possible. But right now I'm in a tizzy and can't even see how anything would work out ok.
On top of that, I'm having one of the worse episodes of PMDD I've ever had. I have been in a state of derealization for the past three days, and have started to have such overwheming anger. I literally almost threw my cell phone and the ground and smashed it to pieces the other day, because I was so frustrated with the crappy service I get. I'm having pain and bloating and am so irritable I cannot stand it. I feel like hurting myself for the first time in months. Going off prozac is not helping this either...I have been I was down to 1.6 mg of prozac a day, and was doing fine with every step down from the 20 mg,but once I went off it completely I got headaches and kind of freaked out. So I went back on the small dose for now, at least to get through this period.
This entry is pretty disjointed and random, but that's how I feel right now. I'm using all my stragegies to get through this - distracting myself, trying to relax, doing things to take the place of self-injury (is it odd that summer is coming and I've found that waxing is a great substitute for SI?) But those things are just getting me through, I still feel like my brain is in a fog and not functioning normally.
The only thing that really is helping is knowing this is just temporary, and that in a few days, once my period starts, I will be back to normal. I will probably check in with you all then.
It started last week when the last computer in the house that worked stopped working. Now I have two that will not get online, so I have to go to my work or the library to get all my work done. And I have a lot of work and it is stressing me out. On top of my day job, I am looking for a new job and applying for at least a dozen a week and getting nowhere - its a lot of work getting together nice resumes and cover letters - or spend 5 hours filling out an online application - and pisses me off when I don't even get a simple confirmation from them.
I am thinking about taking a job 8 hours away and that is scary! I have tried that before and failed at it. My therapist and I have discussed both the failures and my possible future moving away at great ends. I have lots of coping stragagies worked out that I can use to get me through it, and I think its possible. But right now I'm in a tizzy and can't even see how anything would work out ok.
On top of that, I'm having one of the worse episodes of PMDD I've ever had. I have been in a state of derealization for the past three days, and have started to have such overwheming anger. I literally almost threw my cell phone and the ground and smashed it to pieces the other day, because I was so frustrated with the crappy service I get. I'm having pain and bloating and am so irritable I cannot stand it. I feel like hurting myself for the first time in months. Going off prozac is not helping this either...I have been I was down to 1.6 mg of prozac a day, and was doing fine with every step down from the 20 mg,but once I went off it completely I got headaches and kind of freaked out. So I went back on the small dose for now, at least to get through this period.
This entry is pretty disjointed and random, but that's how I feel right now. I'm using all my stragegies to get through this - distracting myself, trying to relax, doing things to take the place of self-injury (is it odd that summer is coming and I've found that waxing is a great substitute for SI?) But those things are just getting me through, I still feel like my brain is in a fog and not functioning normally.
The only thing that really is helping is knowing this is just temporary, and that in a few days, once my period starts, I will be back to normal. I will probably check in with you all then.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Chosing Happiness = Choosing the Journey
I love it when my favorite TV shows deal with mental health, and one of my favorite shows right now is Mercy. For those of you who haven’t seen it, it focuses on Veronica, a nurse who served in Iraq and is now home dealing with PTSD. In last week’s episode, they talked a lot about choosing to be happy. Her ex, who served with her, said he chooses every day to move on and to be happy. Her response?
“You just choose? Must be nice!”
I had always heard of the concept of “choosing” to be happy, and for a long time I believed it was purely that simple: that making the choice resulted in instant happiness. And my response was the same as Veronica’s. I envied those who could just choose, and knew I’d never be one of those people.
But I was misguided. Choosing happiness is not a choice that instantly makes you happy. I know now that choosing to by happy is a long and winding road, a series of developments and a whole hell of a lot of practice.
Choosing happiness should more accurately be called “choosing the process” or “choosing the journey.” Because when you make the choice, happiness does not just instantly “turn on” in your mind or body. Usually, when you make the choice, it is the beginning of your path to recovery. You’ve decided to be happy, but happiness does not occur just because you choose it. One you choose it, you have to learn the skills and processes to create happiness in your life. This can take weeks, months, even years.
Once you choose recovery (which is, let’s face it,almost analogous to happiness) you have to reprogram yourself and change the habits and behaviors that make you sad. We’ve adapted to our condition and a lifecycle that perpetuates unhappiness. People with BPD and depression and other mental illnesses are addicts – we’re addicted to our self-destructive behaviors and the unhealthy ways we cope like alcohol or self-injury or binging, etc. (and understandably so – they’re the only things that bring small temporary comfort in our world with no other comfort, so why wouldn’t we be addicted to them?) But with a lot of hard work, we can abandon those addictions and find new ones to take their place. We can become “addicted” to using positive coping strategies such as “Distract, Relax, And Cope” (see entry “Emergency Coping Plan”) or Self-Affirmation (See entry “Thoughts from my Little Notebook"). These don’t come naturally to us: we have to learn them.
But once you learn them and practice them, you find they bring small amounts of comfort. They sooth you the way a glass of liquor or a cut arm once soothed you. So little by little, these behaviors take over. Recovery happens and eventfully – though it may take a long time – happiness creeps in. It creeps in because by choosing recovery, you’ve chosen happiness.
And I sit here now, typing on my computer and looking out the window into a world full of beauty, beauty and life that I missed for so long, when I thought choosing happiness was next to impossible.
Monday, April 26, 2010
What You Mean to Me
I am so thankful for the people who read this blog.
Whether you follow my posts or have just dropped by once to read a single entry, I am blessed by you being here.
You give me a reason for living, an ear to listen to my voice. Through my hardest times and my beginning and continuing the journey through recovery, someone out there has been listening to me.
But even more important to me are some of the responses I've gotten to my stories here. I've been able to listen to other people vent about their life with BPD. I've heard from people who are searching for answers and guidance and beginning their own recovery. I FINALLY know that my own suffering has not been in vain, because people here have found strength and hope in my story. I can't honestly say that this has made it all worthwhile, like the cliche says, but its makes me feel worthwhile and somewhat whole. to know that my life reaches out across the world and touches others lives.
So, as I sit here and tell you how much you mean to me, it literally brings a tear to my eye as I feel so blessed to have shared my progress here, and will continue to do so.
So, you mean the WORLD to me!!!
And again, thank you for reading!
Whether you follow my posts or have just dropped by once to read a single entry, I am blessed by you being here.
You give me a reason for living, an ear to listen to my voice. Through my hardest times and my beginning and continuing the journey through recovery, someone out there has been listening to me.
But even more important to me are some of the responses I've gotten to my stories here. I've been able to listen to other people vent about their life with BPD. I've heard from people who are searching for answers and guidance and beginning their own recovery. I FINALLY know that my own suffering has not been in vain, because people here have found strength and hope in my story. I can't honestly say that this has made it all worthwhile, like the cliche says, but its makes me feel worthwhile and somewhat whole. to know that my life reaches out across the world and touches others lives.
So, as I sit here and tell you how much you mean to me, it literally brings a tear to my eye as I feel so blessed to have shared my progress here, and will continue to do so.
So, you mean the WORLD to me!!!
And again, thank you for reading!
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Read my Story. Sign your Name. Make a Difference.
My journey of recovery from BPD was so close to not happening.
For years I suffered from the disorder and though I suspected I had it, I had no health insurance so no access to mental health services. At one point I began seeing a counselor at a family center, but the cost - even on the reduced fee scale - was such a burden on my finances I had to stop. At one point, when severely depressed and self-injuring, my sister took me to a crisis center and all I got was the runaround - a list of people who I needed to call...and when I called them I was simply referred to another person, who referred me somewhere else, and so on.
I suffered due to stigma as well. Not so much the stigma against mental illness - I knew I was sick and embraced that. I talked about it with my closest friends and family and although they did not know what to do to help me, they loved me through it. Yet I feared going to a doctor or counselor and saying "I think I have Borderline Personality Disorder." I thought for sure he/she would brush me off as a crazy person self-diagnosing by googling my symptoms or reading Wikipedia (I did both of those things, but also consulted a copy of the DSM-IV). In a way, that fear held me back from diagnosis and treatment.
My recovery began almost by accident, and almost did not happen at all. It actually began during a period of very good mental health. I was happy and stable when I developed a (painful!) kidney stone and went into the emergency room. Because I didn't have insurance, I asked the ER if they had some form of financial assistance. They got me the paperwork to apply for Medicaid, and though it a was taxing and very confusing process, I eventually was placed on a low-income County Health Plan.
Several months later, when I took a nosedive, I called the number of the Community Mental Health program listed in the book of covered services I got from the health plan. After a phone assessment (they assessed me for Bipolar because at the time I suspected I might have that), I was told I was not eligible for services under the plan, and was referred to two other counseling centers for help. I contacted both of those agencies; one told me they did not have a program for my possible condition (bipolar) and the cost at the other one was more than I could afford. I resigned myself to the inevitable: I would probably die from this disease.
Then something wonderful happened. I received a call from a counselor at Community Mental Health Center who had further reviewed my file and found that I was also on the Adult Benefits Waiver program, which entitled me to free services at center. (to this day, I have never received anything stating that I have this program or what it includes. I also don't know whether or not I am actually on Medicaid...the entire program is so confusing and unorganized). I set up an intake interview with this counselor and met with her a few days later. My recovery was about to begin.
That's a long story with one simple point: Though mental illness is more accepted and understood in our world today, access to recovery and services is still difficult and sometimes impossible for some suffering from it.
Which is why today I want to share the petition from "The Walk For Depression" They are attempting to gather signatures from 1 million people to push congress for more acceptance, more research, more services and better access to help.
Obviously, I support this 100%. As of today they have less than 2,000 signatures. In August several volunteers will walk 850 miles to gather more signatures and support. I have added my name to the list and hope that, after reading my story or living your own, you will sign too.
Sign here: http://www.walktowashington.org/sign-the-petition
For years I suffered from the disorder and though I suspected I had it, I had no health insurance so no access to mental health services. At one point I began seeing a counselor at a family center, but the cost - even on the reduced fee scale - was such a burden on my finances I had to stop. At one point, when severely depressed and self-injuring, my sister took me to a crisis center and all I got was the runaround - a list of people who I needed to call...and when I called them I was simply referred to another person, who referred me somewhere else, and so on.
I suffered due to stigma as well. Not so much the stigma against mental illness - I knew I was sick and embraced that. I talked about it with my closest friends and family and although they did not know what to do to help me, they loved me through it. Yet I feared going to a doctor or counselor and saying "I think I have Borderline Personality Disorder." I thought for sure he/she would brush me off as a crazy person self-diagnosing by googling my symptoms or reading Wikipedia (I did both of those things, but also consulted a copy of the DSM-IV). In a way, that fear held me back from diagnosis and treatment.
My recovery began almost by accident, and almost did not happen at all. It actually began during a period of very good mental health. I was happy and stable when I developed a (painful!) kidney stone and went into the emergency room. Because I didn't have insurance, I asked the ER if they had some form of financial assistance. They got me the paperwork to apply for Medicaid, and though it a was taxing and very confusing process, I eventually was placed on a low-income County Health Plan.
Several months later, when I took a nosedive, I called the number of the Community Mental Health program listed in the book of covered services I got from the health plan. After a phone assessment (they assessed me for Bipolar because at the time I suspected I might have that), I was told I was not eligible for services under the plan, and was referred to two other counseling centers for help. I contacted both of those agencies; one told me they did not have a program for my possible condition (bipolar) and the cost at the other one was more than I could afford. I resigned myself to the inevitable: I would probably die from this disease.
Then something wonderful happened. I received a call from a counselor at Community Mental Health Center who had further reviewed my file and found that I was also on the Adult Benefits Waiver program, which entitled me to free services at center. (to this day, I have never received anything stating that I have this program or what it includes. I also don't know whether or not I am actually on Medicaid...the entire program is so confusing and unorganized). I set up an intake interview with this counselor and met with her a few days later. My recovery was about to begin.
That's a long story with one simple point: Though mental illness is more accepted and understood in our world today, access to recovery and services is still difficult and sometimes impossible for some suffering from it.
Which is why today I want to share the petition from "The Walk For Depression" They are attempting to gather signatures from 1 million people to push congress for more acceptance, more research, more services and better access to help.
Obviously, I support this 100%. As of today they have less than 2,000 signatures. In August several volunteers will walk 850 miles to gather more signatures and support. I have added my name to the list and hope that, after reading my story or living your own, you will sign too.
Sign here: http://www.walktowashington.org/sign-the-petition
Sunday, April 18, 2010
A Sense of Hope
Was very heartened to get a comment on my last post from a reader who found my sense of hope "inspiring" and like to see my proactive approach to my condition. (thanks Stacy!) I worry sometimes - especially lately when I have been doing so well and am the closest to recovery that I've ever been - that people will find this blog to be saccharine and superficial. So it is good to hear that people in the world are finding some support and help in it.
When I started writing here in the fall of '09, I had just started my journey to recovery. I had just been diagnosed with BPD, although I has suspected it for a while and had displayed the symptoms for about 5 years. I'd been through so much before then, so much that I never shared anywhere, not even in my personal journals. The only record of those 5 hard years lies in my memory and a few small scars that never fully healed.
But when I started this blog, I was in a dark place again - I had limited functioning in the real world and barely left the house, let alone my bed. At my best times I was numbing my feelings with daily fast food binges and escaping reality with continually watching Grey's Anatomy DVDS; on my worst days I would take extra sleeping pills and a few shots of Vodka to lull myself into painless sleep.
I wanted to die, but knew I couldn't let that happen. The mental image of my family and friends at my funeral was frightening. So my only other option, if I wanted to survive (be it only to protect my loved ones from the pain of my death), was to fight.
So I did - I took that proactive approach; even though it seemed hopeless I did it anyway. I got evaluated and diagnosed. I started seeing my counselor regularly. Even though I had little faith that it would help, going to therapy and group sessions at the mental health center were comforting, they soothed me almost as much as eating or drinking. There were setback, such as the fact that the DBT group in my area was on hiatus. So I bought a DBT workbook and did DBT on my own with guidance from my therapist and discussions with others in group therapy. Often I had to push myself to do things I just didn't feel like doing, like simply leaving my room to go out into the real world. Going to therapy and group was taxing on days when I was simply exhausted, so I had to push myself. And each time I did, it got a little easier. My therapist always seemed so impressed with my ability to work so hard to recover. But she hadn't seen the years I'd spent not recovering. And besides, I didn't have a choice. It was fight or die.
Which brings me to today. I'm not recovered, but I'm better than I've been in years. I'm thinking clearly, making decisions, I'm less emotional and more level headed. I've learned how to deal with some of the major problems that have tripped me up and ruined my life in the past five years. More than that, I have actually written plans on how to deal with them - specific steps and strategies to followed when I feel lonely or scared or someone hurt me.
So overall I welcome the sense of hope that I have now. It's been hard-earned and long awaited. And for years I didn't think it was possible to feel this way. But I know now that was one of the lies that BPD tells you. I know now that there is hope.
When I started writing here in the fall of '09, I had just started my journey to recovery. I had just been diagnosed with BPD, although I has suspected it for a while and had displayed the symptoms for about 5 years. I'd been through so much before then, so much that I never shared anywhere, not even in my personal journals. The only record of those 5 hard years lies in my memory and a few small scars that never fully healed.
But when I started this blog, I was in a dark place again - I had limited functioning in the real world and barely left the house, let alone my bed. At my best times I was numbing my feelings with daily fast food binges and escaping reality with continually watching Grey's Anatomy DVDS; on my worst days I would take extra sleeping pills and a few shots of Vodka to lull myself into painless sleep.
I wanted to die, but knew I couldn't let that happen. The mental image of my family and friends at my funeral was frightening. So my only other option, if I wanted to survive (be it only to protect my loved ones from the pain of my death), was to fight.
So I did - I took that proactive approach; even though it seemed hopeless I did it anyway. I got evaluated and diagnosed. I started seeing my counselor regularly. Even though I had little faith that it would help, going to therapy and group sessions at the mental health center were comforting, they soothed me almost as much as eating or drinking. There were setback, such as the fact that the DBT group in my area was on hiatus. So I bought a DBT workbook and did DBT on my own with guidance from my therapist and discussions with others in group therapy. Often I had to push myself to do things I just didn't feel like doing, like simply leaving my room to go out into the real world. Going to therapy and group was taxing on days when I was simply exhausted, so I had to push myself. And each time I did, it got a little easier. My therapist always seemed so impressed with my ability to work so hard to recover. But she hadn't seen the years I'd spent not recovering. And besides, I didn't have a choice. It was fight or die.
Which brings me to today. I'm not recovered, but I'm better than I've been in years. I'm thinking clearly, making decisions, I'm less emotional and more level headed. I've learned how to deal with some of the major problems that have tripped me up and ruined my life in the past five years. More than that, I have actually written plans on how to deal with them - specific steps and strategies to followed when I feel lonely or scared or someone hurt me.
So overall I welcome the sense of hope that I have now. It's been hard-earned and long awaited. And for years I didn't think it was possible to feel this way. But I know now that was one of the lies that BPD tells you. I know now that there is hope.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
I Don't Want this Feeling to go Away
Lyrics | Jack Johnson lyrics - Upside Down lyrics
This time last year, I was talking daily walks through the woods around my house. Though I wasn't necessarily emotionally healthy, I was pretty happy. I had a lot of opportunities ahead of me and I was hopeful for the future. That was a good feeling.
But it wasn't too long before everything in my world fell apart, and like a person with BPD, I couldn't handle it I fell apart too.
I used to listen to this Jack Johnson song a lot on those walks, especially when I climbed to the top of the nearby hill and looked down at the world. And as I walked that hill today listening to the same song, I realized I feel just as happy and hopeful now, one year later.
But in the past year so much has changed. I've been officially diagnosed with BPD, gone through a year of therapy and finished a DBT course. I have a plan for handling the ups and down of the future that I am looking at, a future that in the past year has gone from hopeful, to nonexistent, to possible once again. And I am looking forward to living the future and continuing to heal from BPD.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Case Closed...
...at least for now.
Had my last official meeting with my therapist yesterday. Was nervous going there, because I knew March was the time we had decided to review my progress and decide on the next step. Though I have been doing so well, the concept of "leaving" therapy and "going" out into the real world on my own is scare (yes, I realize its not that black-and-white, but sometimes it feels that way).
I was surprised and overjoyed for many reasons. First, she said that I have been doing so well that she couldn't see herself possibly making an argument for continuing my case. Second, when I told her that I indeed did feel much better in the way I was coping with things, she said that that is exactly what she calls the definition of mental health: being able to cope with things. With life. Finally, she stressed that even though my case is closed at the center, I can always call her and come in for a visit or just to talk, without going through the whole process of being evaluated and re-opening a case. I thought that was very kind and put me at ease.
I'm going off prozac and only having occasional tiny bouts of "tearfulness." (which is normal). I am walking out of a 6-month long session of CBT and DBT and group therapy. I am functioning, I would say, about 99% normal right now (we all slip here and there). I go to work everyday, I don't cry myself to sleep or hide in my bed right now, and life - though full of challenges that will come at me full speed in the next few months - seems like a good thing again. The gray-colored glasses that we see the world through when we are depressed have come off and I have clear sight again.
Don't misunderstand: I don't consider myself "cured." I still struggle with some of the aspects of BPD. For example, I still struggle with thinking in mostly black-and-white terms in relationships. I especially do this with men, and I think if I ever decide to have another romantic relationship, I will need to work more on dealing with this. But I've learned to fight against my emotions and control them rather than them controlling me. I've learned the process of thinking more logically. I've learned how to cope with distressing situations - I have several written plans on how to do so.
I think it will be quite a while before I can put BPD behind me and look at it as something I "used to have." Because of that and because I still have so much to learn and say, this blog will go on. But for now, life is stable, and I am happy to report how happy I am to have found the light at the end of my tunnel.
Had my last official meeting with my therapist yesterday. Was nervous going there, because I knew March was the time we had decided to review my progress and decide on the next step. Though I have been doing so well, the concept of "leaving" therapy and "going" out into the real world on my own is scare (yes, I realize its not that black-and-white, but sometimes it feels that way).
I was surprised and overjoyed for many reasons. First, she said that I have been doing so well that she couldn't see herself possibly making an argument for continuing my case. Second, when I told her that I indeed did feel much better in the way I was coping with things, she said that that is exactly what she calls the definition of mental health: being able to cope with things. With life. Finally, she stressed that even though my case is closed at the center, I can always call her and come in for a visit or just to talk, without going through the whole process of being evaluated and re-opening a case. I thought that was very kind and put me at ease.
I'm going off prozac and only having occasional tiny bouts of "tearfulness." (which is normal). I am walking out of a 6-month long session of CBT and DBT and group therapy. I am functioning, I would say, about 99% normal right now (we all slip here and there). I go to work everyday, I don't cry myself to sleep or hide in my bed right now, and life - though full of challenges that will come at me full speed in the next few months - seems like a good thing again. The gray-colored glasses that we see the world through when we are depressed have come off and I have clear sight again.
Don't misunderstand: I don't consider myself "cured." I still struggle with some of the aspects of BPD. For example, I still struggle with thinking in mostly black-and-white terms in relationships. I especially do this with men, and I think if I ever decide to have another romantic relationship, I will need to work more on dealing with this. But I've learned to fight against my emotions and control them rather than them controlling me. I've learned the process of thinking more logically. I've learned how to cope with distressing situations - I have several written plans on how to do so.
I think it will be quite a while before I can put BPD behind me and look at it as something I "used to have." Because of that and because I still have so much to learn and say, this blog will go on. But for now, life is stable, and I am happy to report how happy I am to have found the light at the end of my tunnel.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Tired or Sad?
I cried twice this past weekend. The first time in the shower, I was thinking how much I love everyone in my life and started bawling. Then that night I watched a documentary on 9/11 and of course cried then as well (will every reference to 9/11 make my heart break again and again for the rest of my life?)
I'm not PMSing, but I was pretty tired, so maybe that was just it.
Yet I'm thinking I'm starting to feel the effects of my withdrawl off prozac. Its the second week, and I'm at 80% of my original dosage. I'm already tired off the bitter taste of the pills in orange juice, but glass I have to have less of it every day (I'm using a small medicine syringe to take the liquid). I'll be glad when its over, that is, if I manage to get that far.
The good news? I accepted that my feelings were temporary! I can probably count on one hand the times I've done that in my life. It was a small victory.
I'm not PMSing, but I was pretty tired, so maybe that was just it.
Yet I'm thinking I'm starting to feel the effects of my withdrawl off prozac. Its the second week, and I'm at 80% of my original dosage. I'm already tired off the bitter taste of the pills in orange juice, but glass I have to have less of it every day (I'm using a small medicine syringe to take the liquid). I'll be glad when its over, that is, if I manage to get that far.
The good news? I accepted that my feelings were temporary! I can probably count on one hand the times I've done that in my life. It was a small victory.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Going off Prozac
Sorry to everyone out there about the lack of updates...life has been so busy lately!
Talked to my Dr. today about getting off of prozac. He said a few months ago that once winter was over I could try it. Now that we've had a few weeks of nice days and the time has changed, I asked again and he said it's ok.
I've talked with my therapist about it too. Given my dedication to doing DBT and success with both that and traditional therapy, she feels it is safe. I've been on it for five years now. Now that I know that I don't have regular depression, and I am not currently in a depressive episode from BPD, I would like to try life without it (and without some of the side effects and hopefully lose some weight in the process!)
I am planning to use the juice method: since I am on 20 mg caplets right now, that means I'll dissolved the contents of the caplet in 10 oz of juice and gradually drink less of it, starting at 9 oz and working my way down. I'll do this for a month then switch to 10 mg caplets, and wean off those.
Has anyone out there weaned off Prozac before? My doctor warned me that it can be an arduous process. He said to be ready for the moodiness that comes from withdrawl, because most people experience this, and then to just be thankful if I don't!
I'm a bit nervous about it, but not too afraid. I know my therapist is there if things get bad. And I know I have friends I can turn too. In fact, I've told my therapist that I know my closest friends will say something if I get in bad shape...and if things get too bad I will go back on it if needed.
I hope, too, that those of you out there that read this, can hold me accountable as well, and if I seem to be getting into a low place, that you will call me on it and tell me to consider talking to my therapist!
Good luck to me...and all of us that struggle with mental illness - there is light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes only a pinprick of light, but it is there...
Talked to my Dr. today about getting off of prozac. He said a few months ago that once winter was over I could try it. Now that we've had a few weeks of nice days and the time has changed, I asked again and he said it's ok.
I've talked with my therapist about it too. Given my dedication to doing DBT and success with both that and traditional therapy, she feels it is safe. I've been on it for five years now. Now that I know that I don't have regular depression, and I am not currently in a depressive episode from BPD, I would like to try life without it (and without some of the side effects and hopefully lose some weight in the process!)
I am planning to use the juice method: since I am on 20 mg caplets right now, that means I'll dissolved the contents of the caplet in 10 oz of juice and gradually drink less of it, starting at 9 oz and working my way down. I'll do this for a month then switch to 10 mg caplets, and wean off those.
Has anyone out there weaned off Prozac before? My doctor warned me that it can be an arduous process. He said to be ready for the moodiness that comes from withdrawl, because most people experience this, and then to just be thankful if I don't!
I'm a bit nervous about it, but not too afraid. I know my therapist is there if things get bad. And I know I have friends I can turn too. In fact, I've told my therapist that I know my closest friends will say something if I get in bad shape...and if things get too bad I will go back on it if needed.
I hope, too, that those of you out there that read this, can hold me accountable as well, and if I seem to be getting into a low place, that you will call me on it and tell me to consider talking to my therapist!
Good luck to me...and all of us that struggle with mental illness - there is light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes only a pinprick of light, but it is there...
Monday, February 22, 2010
That Most Brutal of Teachers
"Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God, do you learn." - C.S. Lewis
Heard this quote a few weeks back watching reruns of Criminal Minds. And my heart heard it today.
Had a great therapy session this afternoon - talked about so much I literally came out shaking and was ready to try tears of relief and victory. We discussed splitting and anger and yesterday's episode of disassociation and whether or not my BPD will ever go away. ) I hope it will...)
But to me, the most important thing we discussed was something that happened a few days ago - someone laughed at me, said something rude and insensitive, and hurt me terribly. Today was the first time I talked about it; I even avoided calling a friend this weekend just because I knew it would come up and I didn't want to deal with it. I wanted to push it out because each time I thought about it, it made me hurt (aside thought: is this why radical acceptance is so important - so we can accept the bad things that have happened to us without hurting each time they pop up in our memory??)
But after spending yesterday in a state of derealization, I began reading the next chapter in my DBT book on interpersonal relationships. And it began by comparing a passive and an aggressive approach to your interactions with others. I checked off about an equal number of things on each list. In some relationships I am overly aggressive when I have to deal with a problem, and I lash out and hurt others and ruin things. In others, I bottle up my frustrations and hurt myself.
My most recent hurt let me see this concept in real life: In this most recent incident, I tried to calmly stand up for myself, and when that didn't work, I shrugged the person off and just walked away. Then I let my anger subside, told myself a coping though and worked out my feelings a few days later talking to my therapist. I could have made a scene, or I could have bottled the anger up inside and ignored it, letting it fester. But I didn't. And I learned that, though I have to work a lot on striking a balance between being too passive and too aggressive in my relationships with others, I am growing.
Hurts like that are brutal, the most brutal of teachers.
But we learn. My God, do we learn.
Heard this quote a few weeks back watching reruns of Criminal Minds. And my heart heard it today.
Had a great therapy session this afternoon - talked about so much I literally came out shaking and was ready to try tears of relief and victory. We discussed splitting and anger and yesterday's episode of disassociation and whether or not my BPD will ever go away. ) I hope it will...)
But to me, the most important thing we discussed was something that happened a few days ago - someone laughed at me, said something rude and insensitive, and hurt me terribly. Today was the first time I talked about it; I even avoided calling a friend this weekend just because I knew it would come up and I didn't want to deal with it. I wanted to push it out because each time I thought about it, it made me hurt (aside thought: is this why radical acceptance is so important - so we can accept the bad things that have happened to us without hurting each time they pop up in our memory??)
But after spending yesterday in a state of derealization, I began reading the next chapter in my DBT book on interpersonal relationships. And it began by comparing a passive and an aggressive approach to your interactions with others. I checked off about an equal number of things on each list. In some relationships I am overly aggressive when I have to deal with a problem, and I lash out and hurt others and ruin things. In others, I bottle up my frustrations and hurt myself.
My most recent hurt let me see this concept in real life: In this most recent incident, I tried to calmly stand up for myself, and when that didn't work, I shrugged the person off and just walked away. Then I let my anger subside, told myself a coping though and worked out my feelings a few days later talking to my therapist. I could have made a scene, or I could have bottled the anger up inside and ignored it, letting it fester. But I didn't. And I learned that, though I have to work a lot on striking a balance between being too passive and too aggressive in my relationships with others, I am growing.
Hurts like that are brutal, the most brutal of teachers.
But we learn. My God, do we learn.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Blood Boiling
I never really thought about the phrase "blood boiling" before, until yesterday. Someone said something so offensive and insulting to me that those two words popped into my mind. It was exactly what I was feeling...its how I feel when my anger gets out of control.
I had a choice in that instant - to make a scene or just shrug it off and walk away. I went with the latter, which I think was a good choice. Later, when I tried to rationalize my decision, and why I couldn't say something more to stand up for myself (though a dear friend did stand up for me), I simply accepted the fact that some people are completely ignorant and live in a little cocoon with no desire to learn or understand the world of the people around them. I think that's the closest I've come to radical acceptance so far (though its not truly radical acceptance because that is a judgment, and to radically accept something you just have to view it in neutral terms. But that got me through it.
Though this morning, my blood was boiling again, and this stupid little remark almost ruined my whole day.
But...I don't want to let it....
I had a choice in that instant - to make a scene or just shrug it off and walk away. I went with the latter, which I think was a good choice. Later, when I tried to rationalize my decision, and why I couldn't say something more to stand up for myself (though a dear friend did stand up for me), I simply accepted the fact that some people are completely ignorant and live in a little cocoon with no desire to learn or understand the world of the people around them. I think that's the closest I've come to radical acceptance so far (though its not truly radical acceptance because that is a judgment, and to radically accept something you just have to view it in neutral terms. But that got me through it.
Though this morning, my blood was boiling again, and this stupid little remark almost ruined my whole day.
But...I don't want to let it....
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Paradox
Lately I have been busy, busy, busy. Working a lot but also working on things for myself (job searching and rewriting my resume, doing some craft/sewing projects, taking an online class, trying to plan a way to give myself a better future). When I'm busy like this, I'm happy. I get doing so much that I forget I have problems, I forget to listen to those little voices inside me that remind me that I am sick and my emotions are out of control...the ones that tell me I'm not good enough. When I'm busy, I feel in control. I feel good enough...in fact I feel great. Even dropping into bed at night exhausted (like today after working for 16 hours) I feel a sense of accomplishment.
But getting myself to that point, to the point where I'm involved in a good life enough to forget the bad stuff, takes a LOT of effort. Mostly getting out of bed, getting ready, going out and facing a world that I hate (until I'm out there in it). And no matter what, no matter how many times I have a good day and remind msyelf I can have more good days, when the time comes to decide to go into the world happily or withdrawal from it, it takes ALL my strength to go out there and live.
I honestly don't know what got me out of bed and to work this morning, but whatever it was, I'm thankful for it. I hope it comes around more often.
But getting myself to that point, to the point where I'm involved in a good life enough to forget the bad stuff, takes a LOT of effort. Mostly getting out of bed, getting ready, going out and facing a world that I hate (until I'm out there in it). And no matter what, no matter how many times I have a good day and remind msyelf I can have more good days, when the time comes to decide to go into the world happily or withdrawal from it, it takes ALL my strength to go out there and live.
I honestly don't know what got me out of bed and to work this morning, but whatever it was, I'm thankful for it. I hope it comes around more often.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
A Few Good Books
Just got back from a vacation...on one day, I went browsing through the psychology section of Barnes and Nobel for BPD books...though I didn't find the two books I was looking for, they did have a decent selection so I got to do a bit of reading. So I'll share some of the books I've read or browsed then and over the years that relate to mental illness and most specifically about BPD:
Get Me Out of Here - One woman's detailed account of what BDP is like - including recovery. This is a great read for anyone who has BPD, knows someone who does, just wants to learn more about the illness, or just wants a good story.
The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook - I realize I "advertise" this book a lot, but its been a big help to me! It has very detailed information and activities to teach you each of the four key DBT skills, including how to regulate your emotions, tolerate stress, be mindful and have effective relationships. It can be a bit heavy on the info at times, so I recommend anyone using it do the lessons in small increments. The activities can be immediately and effectively applied to your own life, and the book begins with setting up emergency plans on how to cope with overwhelming emotions and self-harm which is a great way to begin your recovery from BPD
Sometimes I Act Crazy - One of the first books I read when I suspected I had BPD, its a good introduction to the symptoms. It give detailed descriptions and case studies that help you understand the various aspects of the condition, and although its not set up to guide you through recovery it does offer some good suggestions on practices that are helpful to overcoming aspects of BPD.
Borderline Personality Disorder for Dummies - an all-inclusive book, it describes BPD and the symptoms, gives theories on why people develop this disorder, explains how and where to seek evaluation and treatment and gives a ton of tips on how to deal with BPD if you are a sufferer of a close friend of one.
Get Me Out of Here - One woman's detailed account of what BDP is like - including recovery. This is a great read for anyone who has BPD, knows someone who does, just wants to learn more about the illness, or just wants a good story.
The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook - I realize I "advertise" this book a lot, but its been a big help to me! It has very detailed information and activities to teach you each of the four key DBT skills, including how to regulate your emotions, tolerate stress, be mindful and have effective relationships. It can be a bit heavy on the info at times, so I recommend anyone using it do the lessons in small increments. The activities can be immediately and effectively applied to your own life, and the book begins with setting up emergency plans on how to cope with overwhelming emotions and self-harm which is a great way to begin your recovery from BPD
Sometimes I Act Crazy - One of the first books I read when I suspected I had BPD, its a good introduction to the symptoms. It give detailed descriptions and case studies that help you understand the various aspects of the condition, and although its not set up to guide you through recovery it does offer some good suggestions on practices that are helpful to overcoming aspects of BPD.
Borderline Personality Disorder for Dummies - an all-inclusive book, it describes BPD and the symptoms, gives theories on why people develop this disorder, explains how and where to seek evaluation and treatment and gives a ton of tips on how to deal with BPD if you are a sufferer of a close friend of one.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Working from Home (Sand and the Mindful Mind)
I've been such a neurotic wreck lately - up and down, in and out of depression, shifting being being ok and being a mess. I don't really know why...I know there have been some small triggers lately, things that have upset me, but it is so minor in comparison to how terrible I am feeling. But, I suppose that's how BPD works - the emotional reaction is disproportionate to the cause. I've noticed another aspect of BPD lately too - the edge of my thumbnails and the bottom on my right foot are very uncomfortable because I have been picking and peeling at the skin on them. This is a self-destructive reaction for me, and I'm never quite sure what causes it...but I know when I am biting my nails and chewing my thumbs...and especially when I am picking at my feet until they bleed and hurt...that I am not in good shape.
Yesterday, I had to force myself to get up and get ready for work when I didn't want to...then my shift got cancelled so I got to stay at home and sleep. Then I had to force myself to get out of bed for my therapy appointment, but that ended up getting cancelled too. I tried to cheer myself up by walking around the dollar store and buying a few things, but I don't know how much it helped. I even indulged in some oatmeal cookies last night! But yet, my nerves were so shot last night I couldn't even enjoy my favorite TV shows. I took some sleeping pills and went to bed, hoping to wake up different, but I didn't. I had nightmares all night and woke up still a nervous wreck, so I chose to skip working and stay in bed all morning (I always feel like Esther at the beginning of The Bell Jar when I do that, and for some reason I find the similarity comforting).
As I lay there in bed, drifting in an out of the same nightmares, two thoughts came into my mind:
My first thought was that I need to work on Mindfulness more. Its the aspect of DBT that I least understand, maybe because I come from a conservative Christian background where meditation seems to be a dirty word and participating in the practice would be considered a treason of the accepted theology. But I have found that even the most open-minded of ministers don't always understand the psychology of the human mind, let alone the illness of the human mind. More importantly, I have learned that it is healthy for me to stop and consider where my mind is wandering, and recognize the thought processes that are detrimental to my health is key to my spiritual and mental well-being....and I am not betraying my God by doing this. And after reading Eat, Pray, Love and seeing the variety of people participating the Ashram that Elizabeth Gilbert went to, I know that I am not the only person like me to seek healing through meditation. So I've decided to learn more about the process, and use it is to better myself, and in those times that my mind is going crazy and telling me I am crazy, I will try to use Mindfulness Meditation to shut it up.
The second thought I had was of sand. More specifically, of a prayer-time practice I once did on a retreat in the Blue Ridge Mountains. We sat with a Tupperware bin full of sand, and used a chopstick to write each of our fears into the sand, then we prayed and allowed God to wipe them away, symbolically wiping them out of the sand. I loved this moment of the retreat - I wanted to get my own box of sand when I got home but I never got around to it. SO this morning I was remembering the sand, and relating it to the mindfulness practice of imagining your distressing thoughts written in the sand on a beach, where the waves come and wash them away. So I decided I wanted to finally get myself a box of sand to keep, and today I am planning on going to the store and doing that.
I kept those thoughts close, clung to them like a security blanket, turned them over and over in my mind like beads on a rosary. They comforted me this morning, and when I finally woke up to the day, I sprung out of bed determined to put them into action.
So today, I'm at home, working on things that will make me better...
Yesterday, I had to force myself to get up and get ready for work when I didn't want to...then my shift got cancelled so I got to stay at home and sleep. Then I had to force myself to get out of bed for my therapy appointment, but that ended up getting cancelled too. I tried to cheer myself up by walking around the dollar store and buying a few things, but I don't know how much it helped. I even indulged in some oatmeal cookies last night! But yet, my nerves were so shot last night I couldn't even enjoy my favorite TV shows. I took some sleeping pills and went to bed, hoping to wake up different, but I didn't. I had nightmares all night and woke up still a nervous wreck, so I chose to skip working and stay in bed all morning (I always feel like Esther at the beginning of The Bell Jar when I do that, and for some reason I find the similarity comforting).
As I lay there in bed, drifting in an out of the same nightmares, two thoughts came into my mind:
My first thought was that I need to work on Mindfulness more. Its the aspect of DBT that I least understand, maybe because I come from a conservative Christian background where meditation seems to be a dirty word and participating in the practice would be considered a treason of the accepted theology. But I have found that even the most open-minded of ministers don't always understand the psychology of the human mind, let alone the illness of the human mind. More importantly, I have learned that it is healthy for me to stop and consider where my mind is wandering, and recognize the thought processes that are detrimental to my health is key to my spiritual and mental well-being....and I am not betraying my God by doing this. And after reading Eat, Pray, Love and seeing the variety of people participating the Ashram that Elizabeth Gilbert went to, I know that I am not the only person like me to seek healing through meditation. So I've decided to learn more about the process, and use it is to better myself, and in those times that my mind is going crazy and telling me I am crazy, I will try to use Mindfulness Meditation to shut it up.
The second thought I had was of sand. More specifically, of a prayer-time practice I once did on a retreat in the Blue Ridge Mountains. We sat with a Tupperware bin full of sand, and used a chopstick to write each of our fears into the sand, then we prayed and allowed God to wipe them away, symbolically wiping them out of the sand. I loved this moment of the retreat - I wanted to get my own box of sand when I got home but I never got around to it. SO this morning I was remembering the sand, and relating it to the mindfulness practice of imagining your distressing thoughts written in the sand on a beach, where the waves come and wash them away. So I decided I wanted to finally get myself a box of sand to keep, and today I am planning on going to the store and doing that.
I kept those thoughts close, clung to them like a security blanket, turned them over and over in my mind like beads on a rosary. They comforted me this morning, and when I finally woke up to the day, I sprung out of bed determined to put them into action.
So today, I'm at home, working on things that will make me better...
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Back to Reality
I haven't written anything this week because I've been off in another world called Dysphoria. But I have returned and my little trip there is helping me understand myself a little better.
It seems to take so little for me to fall apart, and sometimes just the right combination of situations breaks me. This time, it was a combination of getting frustrated with my family, getting mad at people in the world who care more about judging than loving, and being stuck home for a few days with a respiratory infection.
I started last weekend out sick, then once again got so irritated when I had to deal with the crap that comes along with spending time with my family. So I dealt with it by just burying myself in bed, away from the pain and where the antibiotics could start to heal my sick body. But when I got on facebook and read some stupid careless messages from people who should know better, I snapped.
So I spent the first half of my week wandering around in a haze of emptiness.... for a moment or two I wondered why I even bother trying to be a decent person when I'm surrounded by so much hate and stupidity. But even those thoughts faded away as I slipped into complete apathy and quickly became detached from the rest of the world. For two days I skipped work (thankful I could use the infection as an excuse). I hid under the covers and binged on snacks and drive-thru fast food (after losing 5 lbs earlier this month). I numbed myself with endless amounts of TV and DVDs.
But yesterday, I forced myself to get up and go to work. It's only 3 hours, I told myself, so it should be easy. But it was literally one of the hardest things I've ever done. But I did it, grumpy and angry, and got it over with. And I am glad I did, because it brought me back into the real world, and changed me once again into a normal person.
It seems to take so little for me to fall apart, and sometimes just the right combination of situations breaks me. This time, it was a combination of getting frustrated with my family, getting mad at people in the world who care more about judging than loving, and being stuck home for a few days with a respiratory infection.
I started last weekend out sick, then once again got so irritated when I had to deal with the crap that comes along with spending time with my family. So I dealt with it by just burying myself in bed, away from the pain and where the antibiotics could start to heal my sick body. But when I got on facebook and read some stupid careless messages from people who should know better, I snapped.
So I spent the first half of my week wandering around in a haze of emptiness.... for a moment or two I wondered why I even bother trying to be a decent person when I'm surrounded by so much hate and stupidity. But even those thoughts faded away as I slipped into complete apathy and quickly became detached from the rest of the world. For two days I skipped work (thankful I could use the infection as an excuse). I hid under the covers and binged on snacks and drive-thru fast food (after losing 5 lbs earlier this month). I numbed myself with endless amounts of TV and DVDs.
But yesterday, I forced myself to get up and go to work. It's only 3 hours, I told myself, so it should be easy. But it was literally one of the hardest things I've ever done. But I did it, grumpy and angry, and got it over with. And I am glad I did, because it brought me back into the real world, and changed me once again into a normal person.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Here's to the girls...with bruises and scars
Good meeting with my counselor today, but very emotional as I talked a LOT about some of the problems in my life and especially my family that have been gnawing at me lately, and that brought me to the point I was at when I decided to seek therapy in the first place. But every session is a reminder that I'm making good progress - this weekend, when I freaked out, I put into action a plan for dealing with my anger that resulted in...well, nothing. Nothing terrible happened because I got angry...I didn't ruin any relationships or hurt anyone. I went off, did my little distract/relax/cope routine, and my life went on. That's a long way from where I was just six months ago...and I am hopeful, always hopeful, that I'll learn more and be able to handle other overwhelming emotions like fear and stress, and move on even further in my life.
On my way home I was listening to music on my Ipod, but the lyrics from another song ("Anthem" by a fave band called Superchick) kept running through my head at the same time:
Here's to the girls on their boards with bruises and scars
Here's to the girls whose fingers bleed from playin' guitar
Here's to anyone who never quit when things got hard
You'll never let them say "you'll never get that far."
I love Superchick's songs about women being strong, and was thinking of those people - like skaters, guitarist, marathon runners, etc. - who work so hard it hurts to get what they want. Since I want to loose weight this year, I've been exercising so much and pushing myself so hard I've been sore and aching just about every day of 2010...and I've dropped 5 lbs because of it! For so long, I brushed aside exercising (even my favorite - running - after a severe sprained ankle) - because of the "pain". But I realized today the pain is sacred, it part of my progress, and it tells me I want something so bad that I'm sacrificing to get it.
Life is the same way - it hurts. And so does recovery. Sometimes you come home crying from a therapy session from all you unburdened yourself with. Sometimes you mess up and fall back into your old ways, and are left with the scars. But you can't fear that pain. Its part of you. Its sacred. Its the bleeding fingers of the avid guitarist, the shin splints of the Olympic athlete. Its the pain that reminds you what you're working towards, and the scars that will always remind you of where you've been. We have to feel the pain and cherish it as much as we have to never give up.
On my way home I was listening to music on my Ipod, but the lyrics from another song ("Anthem" by a fave band called Superchick) kept running through my head at the same time:
Here's to the girls on their boards with bruises and scars
Here's to the girls whose fingers bleed from playin' guitar
Here's to anyone who never quit when things got hard
You'll never let them say "you'll never get that far."
I love Superchick's songs about women being strong, and was thinking of those people - like skaters, guitarist, marathon runners, etc. - who work so hard it hurts to get what they want. Since I want to loose weight this year, I've been exercising so much and pushing myself so hard I've been sore and aching just about every day of 2010...and I've dropped 5 lbs because of it! For so long, I brushed aside exercising (even my favorite - running - after a severe sprained ankle) - because of the "pain". But I realized today the pain is sacred, it part of my progress, and it tells me I want something so bad that I'm sacrificing to get it.
Life is the same way - it hurts. And so does recovery. Sometimes you come home crying from a therapy session from all you unburdened yourself with. Sometimes you mess up and fall back into your old ways, and are left with the scars. But you can't fear that pain. Its part of you. Its sacred. Its the bleeding fingers of the avid guitarist, the shin splints of the Olympic athlete. Its the pain that reminds you what you're working towards, and the scars that will always remind you of where you've been. We have to feel the pain and cherish it as much as we have to never give up.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Today's Freak-Out
I freaked out today.
I'll spare you the details of the long hard weekend I've had, or how I'm still extremely hormonal even though my period is almost over, and all that happened today. But suffice it to say at one point, I was soooo upset and angry that I totally freaked out.
When the anger comes upon me, it feels like I'm being electrocuted. I can feel it burning through my body, through every blood vessel, through every nerve. The thing I wanted to do most was yell at some people and storm out. If I had done that, my life might have fallen apart yet again.
Instead, I thought about my DBT workbook, and did this: I locked myself in the bathroom, turned on the cold water in the tub, laid on the floor with a nice soft towel for a pillow, and counted backward from 100 by 7s. The whole time thoughts kept popping into my head about how angry I was, how unfair things were, and how I felt, but I just kept focusing on subtracting Its hard for me to do simple mental math because I cannot visualize numbers well, so it kept my mind distracted long enough for my body to calm down. Plus I also have this theory that since the logical part of your brain works with numbers, doing math problems activates this side when you're being illogical (which I am when my emotions take over). I just laid there counting till I got close to zero, not caring about anyone else in the house...then I listened to the water with my eyes closed and before I knew it the burning anger had gone away and told myself "I've gotten through this feeling before, I can get through it again." I emerged from my temporary little cocoon feeling a bit more normal. Maybe I'm not normal or didn't really feel normal, but I was able to go back into the world and function like I was normal.
I'm learning...
I'll spare you the details of the long hard weekend I've had, or how I'm still extremely hormonal even though my period is almost over, and all that happened today. But suffice it to say at one point, I was soooo upset and angry that I totally freaked out.
When the anger comes upon me, it feels like I'm being electrocuted. I can feel it burning through my body, through every blood vessel, through every nerve. The thing I wanted to do most was yell at some people and storm out. If I had done that, my life might have fallen apart yet again.
Instead, I thought about my DBT workbook, and did this: I locked myself in the bathroom, turned on the cold water in the tub, laid on the floor with a nice soft towel for a pillow, and counted backward from 100 by 7s. The whole time thoughts kept popping into my head about how angry I was, how unfair things were, and how I felt, but I just kept focusing on subtracting Its hard for me to do simple mental math because I cannot visualize numbers well, so it kept my mind distracted long enough for my body to calm down. Plus I also have this theory that since the logical part of your brain works with numbers, doing math problems activates this side when you're being illogical (which I am when my emotions take over). I just laid there counting till I got close to zero, not caring about anyone else in the house...then I listened to the water with my eyes closed and before I knew it the burning anger had gone away and told myself "I've gotten through this feeling before, I can get through it again." I emerged from my temporary little cocoon feeling a bit more normal. Maybe I'm not normal or didn't really feel normal, but I was able to go back into the world and function like I was normal.
I'm learning...
Friday, January 15, 2010
BPD, meet my Hormones, you two have a lot in common!
Maybe its because I'm a teacher and I like cute little graphic organizers like this, but I feel like my emotional life can be summed up in a big Venn Diagram. The pink side A is Borderline Personality Disorder, the blue side B is my hormones and my other lovely diagnosis, Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. The purple area, where they overlap, is just plain hell.
Today is my second day in the purple area. Sorry to all the guys who might be reading this, but today I'm gonna rant about my time-of-the-month problems.
I've had PMDD for years now, and have been on birth control pills for it many times. Because of the side effects I chose to go off the pill, and have only been treating my PMDD with progesterone cream. It helps a bit, for instance with it my cycle is 28 days instead of 32, which means less pre-menstrual days to go crazy. But, like the pill, it doesn't take away all of the symptoms, and some months the main symptoms I have, mood swings and disphoria, are worse than others. After a week of bloating and backaches I started on time yesterday morning - 28 days exactly, which I thought was a good sign. But I have been completely exhausted and out of it since yesterday morning too, and that sucks. Yesterday, I was soooo irritable I got frustrated that I couldn't even find something to do to keep my mind off how irritable I was: I tried reading, writing, painting, watching TV, working out...but each time I started a new activity I just got all angry and quit it. Its irrational, but that's how my mind works when its flooded with hormones.
And even though lately the BPD side has been pretty good (that's why I chose it to be pink in the Venn diagram) last night I got SOOO frustrated and overwhelmed with all the stuff I had to do I felt an emotional attack coming on. (For lack of words, I've decided to coin the term "emotional attack" to describe those times when my emotions take over and my logical brain checks out) I was tired, worn down from my period, and had so much to finish before I could go to bed, even though I was too worked up to go to bed. I am glad that one of my medications makes me sleepy, because once I took it I was able to conk out and sleep and sleep and wake up to a morning when, hopefully, I can watch the anger and chaos of purple fade to calm lavendar.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
OMG, I CAN'T Stop...
Lately, I've been lagging on learning more about DBT skills and completing the exercises and learning experiences in my DBT workbook. I know at some point in the next few day's I'll be pulling a marathon in preperation for my monthly meeting with my therapist next week, so I'll have some progress to tell her about.
But in the meantime, I've been following the show "This Emotional Life" on facebook, and reading the blogs and articles, and this particular one regarding labels caught my attention: http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/blogs/i-am-broken-leg
I could talk quite a bit about how I often think of myself as "I am Borderline" rather than seeing myself as a person with BPD (in fact I recently changed my blog header to better reflect a healthy view of myself), but the part of this article that really jolted me was this:
A lot of times I see clients feeling ambivalent as they get better. “Wow, I feel so much happier” and yet “this feels so weird and uncomfortable…am I still me?” This ambivalence, which is quite normal, can lead people to stop treatment and relapse back into their symptoms. If, however, an individual can see that they happen to have a condition that isn’t who they are, it can be easier to become free from it.
I have been guilty of that ambivalence lately: I know I have gotten a lot better, and 98% of the time I feel pretty damn happy and good inside. In fact, I was supposed to join a DBT group that was finally starting back up in my area this month, but from the progress I've made working through the book, my therapist doesn't think I need too! I am happy that I have done so well. But all the same, I haven't been as dedicated working at my treatment like I should be, because I am not done yet - in fact I am only about halfway through DBT. Though I have learned as lot of great ways to tolerate distress and have become a much more mindful person, I still have to
learn more about emotional regulation and especially how to have healthy relationships. So, although I've come a long way, I'm convicted now that I need to hunker down and really continue to work.
This is especially important because I know that I will most likely be facing a situation soon where I am going to be seeing someone who really hurt me, and I know a relapse could come from that. The events with this person have really been popping into my mind lately, probably because I know what is coming up, so I need to get more focused and use those instances - when I remember what happened and my emotions swell up - to practice my new skills and control myself.
All the same, whether I AM a borderline or I HAVE borderline personality disorder, I am also in recovery...
But in the meantime, I've been following the show "This Emotional Life" on facebook, and reading the blogs and articles, and this particular one regarding labels caught my attention: http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/blogs/i-am-broken-leg
I could talk quite a bit about how I often think of myself as "I am Borderline" rather than seeing myself as a person with BPD (in fact I recently changed my blog header to better reflect a healthy view of myself), but the part of this article that really jolted me was this:
A lot of times I see clients feeling ambivalent as they get better. “Wow, I feel so much happier” and yet “this feels so weird and uncomfortable…am I still me?” This ambivalence, which is quite normal, can lead people to stop treatment and relapse back into their symptoms. If, however, an individual can see that they happen to have a condition that isn’t who they are, it can be easier to become free from it.
I have been guilty of that ambivalence lately: I know I have gotten a lot better, and 98% of the time I feel pretty damn happy and good inside. In fact, I was supposed to join a DBT group that was finally starting back up in my area this month, but from the progress I've made working through the book, my therapist doesn't think I need too! I am happy that I have done so well. But all the same, I haven't been as dedicated working at my treatment like I should be, because I am not done yet - in fact I am only about halfway through DBT. Though I have learned as lot of great ways to tolerate distress and have become a much more mindful person, I still have to
learn more about emotional regulation and especially how to have healthy relationships. So, although I've come a long way, I'm convicted now that I need to hunker down and really continue to work.
This is especially important because I know that I will most likely be facing a situation soon where I am going to be seeing someone who really hurt me, and I know a relapse could come from that. The events with this person have really been popping into my mind lately, probably because I know what is coming up, so I need to get more focused and use those instances - when I remember what happened and my emotions swell up - to practice my new skills and control myself.
All the same, whether I AM a borderline or I HAVE borderline personality disorder, I am also in recovery...
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Joy Comes in the Morning?
Why am I always in such bad shape in the mornings? I am always angry, or sad, or anxious, or self-deprecating...or all of the above. Everyday it makes me want to crawl back under the covers and hide from the world. But once I get up, and get out into the world...things are usually fine. I find that I am strong, that I am ok, that I can handle my emotions, and that I have value. And for the rest of the day I can usually face just about anything. But all that confidence and stability is somehow sucked away in my sleep...no matter how good of a day I have had, once I wake up the next morning, I feel worthless and scared and angry all over again. And the only thing that can remind me once again of who I really am is the one thing I least want to do - go out and face the world.
This is how I felt this morning, and I chanted my mantra as of late "Get up, show up, do it anyway" on my way to work. And, I truly did have a great day - drove home hanging on a compliment of how I was good at my job. So now I feel as if I can conqueror the world. But tomorrow morning will be another story.
This is how I felt this morning, and I chanted my mantra as of late "Get up, show up, do it anyway" on my way to work. And, I truly did have a great day - drove home hanging on a compliment of how I was good at my job. So now I feel as if I can conqueror the world. But tomorrow morning will be another story.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Goodbye pills?
One of my goals for this year is to get myself healthier so I don't need to take so many medications. Currently, I take meds for asthma, allergies, high blood pressure, acid reflux along with two antidepressants, and I get sick of swallowing all those pills everyday! Now, I am hoping that if I lose weight I can get off the HBP meds. I'll probably always need some allergy/asthma meds, and stomach acidity has been an on/off lifelong issue so a few of those will probably have to stay.
Which brings me to the antidepressants. I am hoping with my recent strides, I can go off prozac altogether, especially because I don't feel it having a huge bearing on wear I am in my emotional health right now. I have been on various doses of it on and off for over 10 years. It started with depression at 19, went on, off, on again. Then, six years ago I went on it for PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder) and since it seemed to help my frequent bouts of depression I have been on it ever since. In that time, my dose has fluctuated between 20 and 60 mg a day. At one point, a therapist told me I might be burnt out on it, and my doctor increased the dosage (which I thought was great since I suspected BPD at the time, and read that higher doses of prozac can help it. But with the higher dose I didn't notice a huge change in mood stability (besides feeling a bit out of it and numb), but I did have the unpleasant side effects of sleepwalking episodes and brief hallucinations upon waking up (the worse - waking up to see about a hundred guns pointed at me). I learned recently that prozac can inhibit REM sleep (hence the sleep episodes) and even though I'm only on a 20 mg dose right now, I wonder how it is effecting my sleep, since in two recent sleep studies I only entered REM sleep once per night (you should have 3-4 REM stages per night). So I talked to my new doctor about it last week, and both he and my therapist are supportive of my kissing prozac goodbye, with the understanding that I will go back on it if the need arises as well as as a few of my good friends to hold me accountable and tell me if I seem to become depressed enough to go back on it. However, since I live in Bleak SnowyWinterTown, my doctor wants me to wait until spring to avoid any dives into Seasonal Affective Disorder. Which is fine with me. I've made more progress in the last 6 months of DBT and one-on-one therapy than I ever have in past six years with Prozac, so I'm happy to wait a few more months to try my life with one less medication in it.
I am also currently on Elavil, which seems like it might stick around for a while. I was on it in the past for insomnia, and am on it again now for chronic headaches which nothing else has been able to treat. Time will tell if it helps the headaches: if so, I will keep it and if not it will be another pill to say goodbye to.
I am fully in favor of taking medication when it is beneficial to our mental health, but I have learned that for some people, like me, simply re-learning how to live can make a huge difference. So maybe, meds aren't for me anymore. We'll see...
Which brings me to the antidepressants. I am hoping with my recent strides, I can go off prozac altogether, especially because I don't feel it having a huge bearing on wear I am in my emotional health right now. I have been on various doses of it on and off for over 10 years. It started with depression at 19, went on, off, on again. Then, six years ago I went on it for PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder) and since it seemed to help my frequent bouts of depression I have been on it ever since. In that time, my dose has fluctuated between 20 and 60 mg a day. At one point, a therapist told me I might be burnt out on it, and my doctor increased the dosage (which I thought was great since I suspected BPD at the time, and read that higher doses of prozac can help it. But with the higher dose I didn't notice a huge change in mood stability (besides feeling a bit out of it and numb), but I did have the unpleasant side effects of sleepwalking episodes and brief hallucinations upon waking up (the worse - waking up to see about a hundred guns pointed at me). I learned recently that prozac can inhibit REM sleep (hence the sleep episodes) and even though I'm only on a 20 mg dose right now, I wonder how it is effecting my sleep, since in two recent sleep studies I only entered REM sleep once per night (you should have 3-4 REM stages per night). So I talked to my new doctor about it last week, and both he and my therapist are supportive of my kissing prozac goodbye, with the understanding that I will go back on it if the need arises as well as as a few of my good friends to hold me accountable and tell me if I seem to become depressed enough to go back on it. However, since I live in Bleak SnowyWinterTown, my doctor wants me to wait until spring to avoid any dives into Seasonal Affective Disorder. Which is fine with me. I've made more progress in the last 6 months of DBT and one-on-one therapy than I ever have in past six years with Prozac, so I'm happy to wait a few more months to try my life with one less medication in it.
I am also currently on Elavil, which seems like it might stick around for a while. I was on it in the past for insomnia, and am on it again now for chronic headaches which nothing else has been able to treat. Time will tell if it helps the headaches: if so, I will keep it and if not it will be another pill to say goodbye to.
I am fully in favor of taking medication when it is beneficial to our mental health, but I have learned that for some people, like me, simply re-learning how to live can make a huge difference. So maybe, meds aren't for me anymore. We'll see...
Sunday, January 10, 2010
My Emotional Life
Did anyone out there watch the special series "This Emotional Life" on that ran on PBS last week? I happened to stumble across it while searching through my DTV guide and watched about half of the episode on facing fears (which was episode 2 and just happened to be the one that dealt with BPD). I was so excited because so many of the things they were talking about were the exact same things I've been working on or discussing in therapy, like using specific strategies to regulate emotions like fear and anxiety. They even talked about radical acceptance and how, when people looked at their situations objectively and without judgements, their emotions shifted into the positive. They also did an excellent job in explaining the background of different types of therapy, how it has evolved, and why it works in certain situations. I am definitely going have to watch this series again in its entirety (so watch for me to post more on it!), and I recommend it to anyone struggling with emotional health.
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