I'm tired today.
The reason is I have a new job. Finally, a real job.
So far, so good. I like it, but it has been hard. The hard part is the transition, new places and people and all the overwhelming emotions and anxiety that go with it.
I'm working had everyday to overcome myself and be who I really am inside.
That's tiring, but I know it will be worth it.
If there's one thing I've learned about life, its this: sometimes it sucks. But during those hard times, all you have to do is survive. And better times are always around the corner.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
I'm Not Dead Yet
Haven't had much time lately for keeping up with this outlet, but I'm squeezing in a few minutes tonight. I'm alive, somehow I'm alive, and I feel like I shouldn't be. With all I've been through in the past few months, with the fact that I'm unemployed and somewhat homeless, trying to find my place in the world when I can't even find a substaintial job in this economy...I should be at rock bottom, right?
But I'm not, and I don't know why. The only thing I can think of is those little coping strategies that lurk in the back of my brain and creep up when things get back. Like when I spend the day applying for 50 jobs (and no that's not an exaggeration - I kept track the other day) and I get so tired and frustrated and feeling that the world is so unfair when I have worked so hard and given so much...and at the end of it I just cry and want to give up, and this little piece of me tells me to slow down, take a break, have a nap or go for a drive, and let my body calm down until I can handle it again.
Or when I couple the job situation with the fact that I don't know where I am going to be living in a few weeks, let alone sleeping next week and the urge creeps into me to just hurt myself, to just scratch up that perfect smooth skin on my arms, and I think back to that red marker I keep in my purse to simulate the activity so I don't really do it.
I dont know. I may fall apart here very soon. And there have been some bad times when I didn't feel like I could go on. But after I calmed down I did. I'm not dead yet, and that means something, right?
But I'm not, and I don't know why. The only thing I can think of is those little coping strategies that lurk in the back of my brain and creep up when things get back. Like when I spend the day applying for 50 jobs (and no that's not an exaggeration - I kept track the other day) and I get so tired and frustrated and feeling that the world is so unfair when I have worked so hard and given so much...and at the end of it I just cry and want to give up, and this little piece of me tells me to slow down, take a break, have a nap or go for a drive, and let my body calm down until I can handle it again.
Or when I couple the job situation with the fact that I don't know where I am going to be living in a few weeks, let alone sleeping next week and the urge creeps into me to just hurt myself, to just scratch up that perfect smooth skin on my arms, and I think back to that red marker I keep in my purse to simulate the activity so I don't really do it.
I dont know. I may fall apart here very soon. And there have been some bad times when I didn't feel like I could go on. But after I calmed down I did. I'm not dead yet, and that means something, right?
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Dissociated
I feel horrible about not updating lately. Not too horrible, because my life has been hell the past few weeks. Just a few of the things that have happened: huge fights in my family, I interviewed for a job and did not get it, I became very discourage on my job search, someone close to me is having a very hard time, I have major issues with my living situation, I met up with someone from my past who I do not get along with and who makes me very angry to be around, and on top of I had my period dammit!!!
Most of this past week or so, I have been pretty dissociative. That aspect of BPD used to scare me - I thought I was going crazy or having a complete breakdown when it would happen. But after being diagnosed and learning about it I have come to accept it as a part of who I am. This has been so dynamic for me - to learn that sometimes my emotions just sort of "shut down" because I can't handle them anymore. My body and mind take a break from it all, because it just can't handle anymore.
And every once and a while, that's ok. I know now that I am not going to lose myself, or go crazy. Its just a temporary break.
And actually, it kind of made me feel better. Knowing that I was sort of "checked out" for a while allowed me to function at about 98% normal for this week. I was pretty quiet and zoned most of the time, and I barely ate, but I went to work every day and made it through the day. I managed to answer the phone when the job rejection call came. I managed to speak civilly to the person I cannot stand (and actually came out feeling better knowing that thought we will never be friends and least I am not full of hate anymore) And I made it through the lonely nights at home even when they were really hard.
Don't get me wrong, dissociation sucks and I will be glad to come to the day when I never experience it again. It sucks because in the middle of this episode I went to a dear family member's graduation and I barely even felt like I was there. I know it should have been wonderful to see all my distant family that I never get to see, and celebrate with them, but I was just floating around the party scraping up small talk. I would have liked to have been my normal self at that party. But with all that had happened, I couldn't. But someday, I know I will...
Most of this past week or so, I have been pretty dissociative. That aspect of BPD used to scare me - I thought I was going crazy or having a complete breakdown when it would happen. But after being diagnosed and learning about it I have come to accept it as a part of who I am. This has been so dynamic for me - to learn that sometimes my emotions just sort of "shut down" because I can't handle them anymore. My body and mind take a break from it all, because it just can't handle anymore.
And every once and a while, that's ok. I know now that I am not going to lose myself, or go crazy. Its just a temporary break.
And actually, it kind of made me feel better. Knowing that I was sort of "checked out" for a while allowed me to function at about 98% normal for this week. I was pretty quiet and zoned most of the time, and I barely ate, but I went to work every day and made it through the day. I managed to answer the phone when the job rejection call came. I managed to speak civilly to the person I cannot stand (and actually came out feeling better knowing that thought we will never be friends and least I am not full of hate anymore) And I made it through the lonely nights at home even when they were really hard.
Don't get me wrong, dissociation sucks and I will be glad to come to the day when I never experience it again. It sucks because in the middle of this episode I went to a dear family member's graduation and I barely even felt like I was there. I know it should have been wonderful to see all my distant family that I never get to see, and celebrate with them, but I was just floating around the party scraping up small talk. I would have liked to have been my normal self at that party. But with all that had happened, I couldn't. But someday, I know I will...
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