Case Closed...

...at least for now.

Had my last official meeting with my therapist yesterday. Was nervous going there, because I knew March was the time we had decided to review my progress and decide on the next step. Though I have been doing so well, the concept of "leaving" therapy and "going" out into the real world on my own is scare (yes, I realize its not that black-and-white, but sometimes it feels that way).

I was surprised and overjoyed for many reasons. First, she said that I have been doing so well that she couldn't see herself possibly making an argument for continuing my case. Second, when I told her that I indeed did feel much better in the way I was coping with things, she said that that is exactly what she calls the definition of mental health: being able to cope with things. With life. Finally, she stressed that even though my case is closed at the center, I can always call her and come in for a visit or just to talk, without going through the whole process of being evaluated and re-opening a case. I thought that was very kind and put me at ease.

I'm going off prozac and only having occasional tiny bouts of "tearfulness." (which is normal). I am walking out of a 6-month long session of CBT and DBT and group therapy. I am functioning, I would say, about 99% normal right now (we all slip here and there). I go to work everyday, I don't cry myself to sleep or hide in my bed right now, and life - though full of challenges that will come at me full speed in the next few months - seems like a good thing again. The gray-colored glasses that we see the world through when we are depressed have come off and I have clear sight again.

Don't misunderstand: I don't consider myself "cured." I still struggle with some of the aspects of BPD. For example, I still struggle with thinking in mostly black-and-white terms in relationships. I especially do this with men, and I think if I ever decide to have another romantic relationship, I will need to work more on dealing with this. But I've learned to fight against my emotions and control them rather than them controlling me. I've learned the process of thinking more logically. I've learned how to cope with distressing situations - I have several written plans on how to do so.

I think it will be quite a while before I can put BPD behind me and look at it as something I "used to have." Because of that and because I still have so much to learn and say, this blog will go on. But for now, life is stable, and I am happy to report how happy I am to have found the light at the end of my tunnel.

Tired or Sad?

I cried twice this past weekend. The first time in the shower, I was thinking how much I love everyone in my life and started bawling. Then that night I watched a documentary on 9/11 and of course cried then as well (will every reference to 9/11 make my heart break again and again for the rest of my life?)

I'm not PMSing, but I was pretty tired, so maybe that was just it.

Yet I'm thinking I'm starting to feel the effects of my withdrawl off prozac. Its the second week, and I'm at 80% of my original dosage. I'm already tired off the bitter taste of the pills in orange juice, but glass I have to have less of it every day (I'm using a small medicine syringe to take the liquid). I'll be glad when its over, that is, if I manage to get that far.

The good news? I accepted that my feelings were temporary! I can probably count on one hand the times I've done that in my life. It was a small victory.

Going off Prozac

Sorry to everyone out there about the lack of updates...life has been so busy lately!

Talked to my Dr. today about getting off of prozac. He said a few months ago that once winter was over I could try it. Now that we've had a few weeks of nice days and the time has changed, I asked again and he said it's ok.

I've talked with my therapist about it too. Given my dedication to doing DBT and success with both that and traditional therapy, she feels it is safe. I've been on it for five years now. Now that I know that I don't have regular depression, and I am not currently in a depressive episode from BPD, I would like to try life without it (and without some of the side effects and hopefully lose some weight in the process!)

I am planning to use the juice method: since I am on 20 mg caplets right now, that means I'll dissolved the contents of the caplet in 10 oz of juice and gradually drink less of it, starting at 9 oz and working my way down. I'll do this for a month then switch to 10 mg caplets, and wean off those.

Has anyone out there weaned off Prozac before? My doctor warned me that it can be an arduous process. He said to be ready for the moodiness that comes from withdrawl, because most people experience this, and then to just be thankful if I don't!

I'm a bit nervous about it, but not too afraid. I know my therapist is there if things get bad. And I know I have friends I can turn too. In fact, I've told my therapist that I know my closest friends will say something if I get in bad shape...and if things get too bad I will go back on it if needed.

I hope, too, that those of you out there that read this, can hold me accountable as well, and if I seem to be getting into a low place, that you will call me on it and tell me to consider talking to my therapist!

Good luck to me...and all of us that struggle with mental illness - there is light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes only a pinprick of light, but it is there...