Home Sick

I've been sick for over a month now, and I'm getting so irritated about it that I just need to write a post about it!!

It started 6 weeks ago when I came down with the flu (possibly H1N1). As soon as I knew I had the flu and not just a cold, I called my doctor to get on Tamiflu, since I am asthmatic. My flu symptoms cleared up in a few days, but my shortness of breath and tight chest did not, so I went to urgent are, where the doctor said my asthma was aggravated and put me on prednisone, which helped a bit with the first dose, but soon as I started weaning off of it the symptoms came back. It made me feel really depressed at first too.

After the course of prednisone I was still having the same trouble, so I went to my own doctor, who said you can have asthma symptoms for 4-6 weeks after the flu. Just in case I did have a respiratory infetion, he gave me an antibiotic too. Over the next week or so I started breathing a little better, but still not 100%.

After the course of antibiotics, I was STILL having wheezing and shortness of breath, but had also develop a sore throat and was having some slight hoarseness. Since it was over the Thanksgiving break, I went into urgent care where THIRD doctor told me it was probably just my asthma, and gave me another round of prednisone, this time a higher dose.

Just this past week, I called my doctor to ask for Advair, which has helped a lot with my asthma in the past. I am taking that, but my sore throat had gotten worse and I am losing my voice.

I honestly do not know WHAT is going on with my body right now. I'm not convinced that this is just my asthma - I have moderate asthma - mostly just slight wheezing and prone to respiratory infections. I have NEVER had a problem this bad in the 15 years since I've been diagnosed with asthma!

Between this and the chronic daily headaches I developed several months ago, I am so tired of feeling so sick all the time.

The WORST part of it for me, is that I end up staying home so much of the time, and after six weeks of it I'm starting to get depressed. I try to work when I can. On the upside, being a substitute teacher, I can more or less set my own hours. On the downside, being a subsistute teacher requires a strong voice and quite a bit of energy, neither of which I have right now. So I'm missing out on a lot of work. And sitting at home by myself makes me feel depressed. And knowing that I am missing out on the chance to make money makes me feel more depressed.

I don't know what to do? Go back to my doctor? Go to the E.R.? I need this to end before I start sinking down any further!!

Somedays I Freak Out

Yeah...so...somedays I just completely lose it. I came close today. Outwardly I held it together but inside I was a mess. I've been sick for over a month now (asthma complications from the flu) and am not getting better and I'm so frustrated because not only does it feel so uncomfortable to breathe everyday, but I also have this raspy voice that I have to force out (when I am normally a loud person). And working in a room full of 5 year olds all day long wore my voice, as well as my patience, thin. And everything that could go wrong today, did. I was worried about some financial problems. My hormones began their monthly freakout. The clothes I decided looked okay on me at home looked weird when I got to work. The roads were not plowed on my way to work and I straggled in 3 minutes before my starting time. The sidewalk had not been shoveled at work (at 11:50 am? really?) and I had to walk through the snow and get cold wet feet. So by the time I got home today I was feeling scattered and freaked out.

I thought about using some of my mindfullness and coping exercises to ease my craziness. In a way, I did - as soon as I got home I ate a big bowl of mashed potatoes. It did help me feel better, but since emotional eating is not a healthy coping strategy for me I suppose I should have turned to something else to calm me down. In fact, I just may go sit in my chair and listen to one of the mindfulness exercises I have recorded on my MP3 (from The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook). Last time, it worked well, and made me feel a lot better. Actually, now that I think about it, writing here in my blog has helped me feel better too, and its a positive coping strategy. Yay me!!!

One last thought...as I was driving home, I remembered how many times I've freaked out over finances - overdrawn bank accounts, late rent, etc. When it happens, I almost always go into emotional overdrive - I began to cry and worry and lose focus and try to get someone else to fix the problem for me. But I thought about how ineffective I am at solving the problem when I'm in freakout mode. Even if the bank's closed for the day or I can't pay my bill, letting myself get so worked up I get physically ill doesn't help anyone. So I am hoping that , in the future - as I become more fiscally responsible - I can use my new emotional regulation skills to handle my financial ups and downs without detriment to my mental health.