My Athletic Life (and Reaping its Benefits)

I have recently tapped into the benefits of exercise, having just trained for and completed my first 5K race (a longtime dream!). My therapist was thrilled to learn I was running and exercising, especially since she felt it would somewhat make up for the lack of prozac in my system and ease the withdrawl as I went off that particular pill. I was thinking today about my athletic life. We can have a professional life, a personal life, a sex life...why not an athletic life? My athletic life is seperate from my other lives - such as my work life and my life as a person with BPD. When I'm out running or training, I am in another world - a world where working hard does equal results (like it doesn't often in the confusing real life world) and you can set goals and reach them by following a logical, prescribed sequence.

But its been a long road to here. The road from non-runner to a 5k race was long enough on its own, but that's not the long road I'm talking about. When you have BPD and hate your life and/or you are depressed, its hard enough to get out of bed. Let alone go out and run. Or even pop in a 20 minute workout video and get through it without crying about how miserable you are. I've done all those things before, and I don't really know how I overcame them this time around. Maybe its because I started getting better, or maybe I started getting better becuase of all the exercise. If I figure it out I'll let you know.

But while I figure it out, I'll share this article from active.com about the physiological effects exercise has on your body and mood. Its easy enough for our therapists or doctors or loved ones to tell us to go out and exercise because its good for us. But its an entirely different thing to do it when you are in the world we life in. So I hope that this article inspires some of you with its simple and logical reasons to add some form - any form - of exercise to your recovery.

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7 Ways Exercise Relieves Stress

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Fitness Together Santa Monica PRLog.com

I'm a self-confessed "stress-pot". It's not an easy admission to make, simply because I hate being stressed. And knowing I stress over little things, stresses me out more.

Without exercise, I'd be locked at home, brimming with stress and depression. I know because I've been there when injured. It's something you only notice if exercise is a central part of your being.

Most people I know who workout regularly say that they use exercise to manage their stress--as well as to look better, be healthier and all the rest.

It seems that if exercise isn't a part of your life, you might be at a disadvantage when it comes to daily stressful situations. By starting to exercise, you can learn to stress less.

That may not be the case for everyone and there are other ways to cope with stress, but for me, exercise is the most natural, effective and cheap coping mechanism. Exercise and stress are closely related.

How Does Exercise Relieve Stress?

If you don't have a very active lifestyle, and often feel strangled by stress and depression, you may want to take note.

Here are the main ways exercise and stress are connected:

Body Systems

When stressed, each of your body systems (cardiovascular, nervous, respiratory, muscular etc.) need to interact efficiently for you to respond well. Exercise helps your body systems practice interacting with each other, in a healthy way. This directly leads to a better overall response to stress.

Endorphins

These are your natural pain killers that give you a "high". Although more research is needed, there's no doubt that long periods of moderate to high intensity exercise, does have a happy affect on your emotions.

Fight or Flight

This is your natural reaction to any stressful situation. The problem is that much of today's stress doesn't require either physical fighting or running. But your body still provides the chemicals for it, which can be harmful if they remain. The best and most logical way to clear the chemicals, is to actually do some exercise.

Rhythm and Flow

Some exercise, like running and cycling, lets you get into a rhythm. That rhythmic flow of a repeat action relaxes your mind. It's a bit like focusing on nothing and everything at the same time. It's your time. Just make sure you keep an eye on where you're going!

Socialize

Any sport or exercise with friends, gives you the chance to socialise, that you may not normally get. "Having a laugh" with friends is more than just fun. It gives you a chance to share your problems, and know that someone is there if you need them.

Better Sleep

Lack of sleep often leads to a vicious cycle. You become more stressed and anxious during the day, which means it's even harder to sleep at night. Exercise not only helps break that cycle, but can lead to a positive cycle instead. When you sleep well, you'll have more energy in the day and be more productive.

Organize your Life

Stress is often caused by a lack of organisation and planning, whether it's in your work life or home life. Following a workout plan, where you set yourself goals and ultimately have a sense of achievement, will help you transfer those skills to the rest of your life.

Stress Busting Exercises

When it comes down to it, any exercise is better than none. Don't worry about which exercise is the best for others, focus on yourself and what you enjoy.

If you're not sure, then try different things out. Use the buttons on the top left of this page to find something you enjoy.

Here are some more tips to exercise and stress less:

Mix up your exercise. It depends on your goals (burn fat, get fitter, build muscle etc.), but including a mix of, for example, aerobic, interval and circuit exercises will benefit you the most overall, when dealing with stress.

Adapt your exercise to your type of stress. If you tend to feel out of control, try rhythmic exercise (as described above - running, swimming, cycling etc.) and some yoga or pilates to focus your energy. If you tend to feel angry and aggressive, try combat exercise like martial arts or boxing.

Make the first move. I know it's hard when you're stressed out, depressed and don't feel like moving a muscle. The problem is, things will just feel worse if you don't. So, however small it is, make that first move. It could literally be putting on your exercise shoes and going for a walk. Build from there.

Take it easy. If you're just getting started with exercise, go slow. If you have any concerns, see your health professional first. There's no point jumping in head first if you pick up an injury.

Final Word

Now you know the many connections between exercise and stress. The facts are hard to ignore, try doing some exercise today and see if it makes a difference.

If you know anyone who always seems to be stressed or short-tempered, let them know about exercise and stress. You can't force anyone to do anything, but you can point them in the right direction.

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The Failures and the Victories

I had a bad episode this past weekend. I won't go into all the details, because its so complicated. But suffice it to say a lot of little triggers came together to set me off and I was also treated badly by my family, so I briefly lost control.

When this happens now - when my emotions take control and I lose conscious control of myself - my mind automatically seeks a way to "distract, relax, cope." The method I chose to use this time was to listen to meditations on my ipod (some I've downloaded and others I recorded myself out of my DBT book). However, my ipod was dead and I had no way to do this, and this exacerbated the problem. When I did finally get my ipod going, I listened to this one and it calmed me down.

Then I focused on coping - I used several coping thoughts from my book. I practiced radical acceptance - I accepted the fact that people were treating me bad without hurting or judging them, just accepted it so I could move on. I went to work that same day, feeling terrible, but went. I avoided situations that would make the problem worse, even though it meant leaving home for the rest of the weekend. And though I have been sad in spirit for days now, I got up Monday morning and went back to my own life.

In life we have failures, and I may always have the problem of losing physiological control and having my emotions hurt me all over. But we have victories too. And the choices I made were the victories.

I still hurt. But I'm not frantic and angry anymore - I've relaxed enough to begin the coping process. And I'm carrying on. So fitting that the other night on a rerun of "Sex and the City" this quote from Carrie - after she tried being a model and fell on the catwalk during a fashion show - caught my attention:

"When people fall down in real life, they get right back up and keep walking"

What You Mean to Me

I am so thankful for the people who read this blog.

Whether you follow my posts or have just dropped by once to read a single entry, I am blessed by you being here.

You give me a reason for living, an ear to listen to my voice. Through my hardest times and my beginning and continuing the journey through recovery, someone out there has been listening to me.

But even more important to me are some of the responses I've gotten to my stories here. I've been able to listen to other people vent about their life with BPD. I've heard from people who are searching for answers and guidance and beginning their own recovery. I FINALLY know that my own suffering has not been in vain, because people here have found strength and hope in my story. I can't honestly say that this has made it all worthwhile, like the cliche says, but its makes me feel worthwhile and somewhat whole. to know that my life reaches out across the world and touches others lives.

So, as I sit here and tell you how much you mean to me, it literally brings a tear to my eye as I feel so blessed to have shared my progress here, and will continue to do so.

So, you mean the WORLD to me!!!

And again, thank you for reading!

Read my Story. Sign your Name. Make a Difference.

My journey of recovery from BPD was so close to not happening.

For years I suffered from the disorder and though I suspected I had it, I had no health insurance so no access to mental health services. At one point I began seeing a counselor at a family center, but the cost - even on the reduced fee scale - was such a burden on my finances I had to stop. At one point, when severely depressed and self-injuring, my sister took me to a crisis center and all I got was the runaround - a list of people who I needed to call...and when I called them I was simply referred to another person, who referred me somewhere else, and so on.

I suffered due to stigma as well. Not so much the stigma against mental illness - I knew I was sick and embraced that. I talked about it with my closest friends and family and although they did not know what to do to help me, they loved me through it. Yet I feared going to a doctor or counselor and saying "I think I have Borderline Personality Disorder." I thought for sure he/she would brush me off as a crazy person self-diagnosing by googling my symptoms or reading Wikipedia (I did both of those things, but also consulted a copy of the DSM-IV). In a way, that fear held me back from diagnosis and treatment.

My recovery began almost by accident, and almost did not happen at all. It actually began during a period of very good mental health. I was happy and stable when I developed a (painful!) kidney stone and went into the emergency room. Because I didn't have insurance, I asked the ER if they had some form of financial assistance. They got me the paperwork to apply for Medicaid, and though it a was taxing and very confusing process, I eventually was placed on a low-income County Health Plan.

Several months later, when I took a nosedive, I called the number of the Community Mental Health program listed in the book of covered services I got from the health plan. After a phone assessment (they assessed me for Bipolar because at the time I suspected I might have that), I was told I was not eligible for services under the plan, and was referred to two other counseling centers for help. I contacted both of those agencies; one told me they did not have a program for my possible condition (bipolar) and the cost at the other one was more than I could afford. I resigned myself to the inevitable: I would probably die from this disease.

Then something wonderful happened. I received a call from a counselor at Community Mental Health Center who had further reviewed my file and found that I was also on the Adult Benefits Waiver program, which entitled me to free services at center. (to this day, I have never received anything stating that I have this program or what it includes. I also don't know whether or not I am actually on Medicaid...the entire program is so confusing and unorganized). I set up an intake interview with this counselor and met with her a few days later. My recovery was about to begin.

That's a long story with one simple point: Though mental illness is more accepted and understood in our world today, access to recovery and services is still difficult and sometimes impossible for some suffering from it.

Which is why today I want to share the petition from "The Walk For Depression" They are attempting to gather signatures from 1 million people to push congress for more acceptance, more research, more services and better access to help.

Obviously, I support this 100%. As of today they have less than 2,000 signatures. In August several volunteers will walk 850 miles to gather more signatures and support. I have added my name to the list and hope that, after reading my story or living your own, you will sign too.

Sign here: http://www.walktowashington.org/sign-the-petition

A Sense of Hope

Was very heartened to get a comment on my last post from a reader who found my sense of hope "inspiring" and like to see my proactive approach to my condition. (thanks Stacy!) I worry sometimes - especially lately when I have been doing so well and am the closest to recovery that I've ever been - that people will find this blog to be saccharine and superficial. So it is good to hear that people in the world are finding some support and help in it.

When I started writing here in the fall of '09, I had just started my journey to recovery. I had just been diagnosed with BPD, although I has suspected it for a while and had displayed the symptoms for about 5 years. I'd been through so much before then, so much that I never shared anywhere, not even in my personal journals. The only record of those 5 hard years lies in my memory and a few small scars that never fully healed.

But when I started this blog, I was in a dark place again - I had limited functioning in the real world and barely left the house, let alone my bed. At my best times I was numbing my feelings with daily fast food binges and escaping reality with continually watching Grey's Anatomy DVDS; on my worst days I would take extra sleeping pills and a few shots of Vodka to lull myself into painless sleep.

I wanted to die, but knew I couldn't let that happen. The mental image of my family and friends at my funeral was frightening. So my only other option, if I wanted to survive (be it only to protect my loved ones from the pain of my death), was to fight.

So I did - I took that proactive approach; even though it seemed hopeless I did it anyway. I got evaluated and diagnosed. I started seeing my counselor regularly. Even though I had little faith that it would help, going to therapy and group sessions at the mental health center were comforting, they soothed me almost as much as eating or drinking. There were setback, such as the fact that the DBT group in my area was on hiatus. So I bought a DBT workbook and did DBT on my own with guidance from my therapist and discussions with others in group therapy. Often I had to push myself to do things I just didn't feel like doing, like simply leaving my room to go out into the real world. Going to therapy and group was taxing on days when I was simply exhausted, so I had to push myself. And each time I did, it got a little easier. My therapist always seemed so impressed with my ability to work so hard to recover. But she hadn't seen the years I'd spent not recovering. And besides, I didn't have a choice. It was fight or die.

Which brings me to today. I'm not recovered, but I'm better than I've been in years. I'm thinking clearly, making decisions, I'm less emotional and more level headed. I've learned how to deal with some of the major problems that have tripped me up and ruined my life in the past five years. More than that, I have actually written plans on how to deal with them - specific steps and strategies to followed when I feel lonely or scared or someone hurt me.

So overall I welcome the sense of hope that I have now. It's been hard-earned and long awaited. And for years I didn't think it was possible to feel this way. But I know now that was one of the lies that BPD tells you. I know now that there is hope.

I Don't Want this Feeling to go Away

Lyrics | Jack Johnson lyrics - Upside Down lyrics

This time last year, I was talking daily walks through the woods around my house. Though I wasn't necessarily emotionally healthy, I was pretty happy. I had a lot of opportunities ahead of me and I was hopeful for the future. That was a good feeling.

But it wasn't too long before everything in my world fell apart, and like a person with BPD, I couldn't handle it I fell apart too.

I used to listen to this Jack Johnson song a lot on those walks, especially when I climbed to the top of the nearby hill and looked down at the world. And as I walked that hill today listening to the same song, I realized I feel just as happy and hopeful now, one year later.

But in the past year so much has changed. I've been officially diagnosed with BPD, gone through a year of therapy and finished a DBT course. I have a plan for handling the ups and down of the future that I am looking at, a future that in the past year has gone from hopeful, to nonexistent, to possible once again. And I am looking forward to living the future and continuing to heal from BPD.

Case Closed...

...at least for now.

Had my last official meeting with my therapist yesterday. Was nervous going there, because I knew March was the time we had decided to review my progress and decide on the next step. Though I have been doing so well, the concept of "leaving" therapy and "going" out into the real world on my own is scare (yes, I realize its not that black-and-white, but sometimes it feels that way).

I was surprised and overjoyed for many reasons. First, she said that I have been doing so well that she couldn't see herself possibly making an argument for continuing my case. Second, when I told her that I indeed did feel much better in the way I was coping with things, she said that that is exactly what she calls the definition of mental health: being able to cope with things. With life. Finally, she stressed that even though my case is closed at the center, I can always call her and come in for a visit or just to talk, without going through the whole process of being evaluated and re-opening a case. I thought that was very kind and put me at ease.

I'm going off prozac and only having occasional tiny bouts of "tearfulness." (which is normal). I am walking out of a 6-month long session of CBT and DBT and group therapy. I am functioning, I would say, about 99% normal right now (we all slip here and there). I go to work everyday, I don't cry myself to sleep or hide in my bed right now, and life - though full of challenges that will come at me full speed in the next few months - seems like a good thing again. The gray-colored glasses that we see the world through when we are depressed have come off and I have clear sight again.

Don't misunderstand: I don't consider myself "cured." I still struggle with some of the aspects of BPD. For example, I still struggle with thinking in mostly black-and-white terms in relationships. I especially do this with men, and I think if I ever decide to have another romantic relationship, I will need to work more on dealing with this. But I've learned to fight against my emotions and control them rather than them controlling me. I've learned the process of thinking more logically. I've learned how to cope with distressing situations - I have several written plans on how to do so.

I think it will be quite a while before I can put BPD behind me and look at it as something I "used to have." Because of that and because I still have so much to learn and say, this blog will go on. But for now, life is stable, and I am happy to report how happy I am to have found the light at the end of my tunnel.

That Most Brutal of Teachers

"Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God, do you learn." - C.S. Lewis

Heard this quote a few weeks back watching reruns of Criminal Minds. And my heart heard it today.

Had a great therapy session this afternoon - talked about so much I literally came out shaking and was ready to try tears of relief and victory. We discussed splitting and anger and yesterday's episode of disassociation and whether or not my BPD will ever go away. ) I hope it will...)

But to me, the most important thing we discussed was something that happened a few days ago - someone laughed at me, said something rude and insensitive, and hurt me terribly. Today was the first time I talked about it; I even avoided calling a friend this weekend just because I knew it would come up and I didn't want to deal with it. I wanted to push it out because each time I thought about it, it made me hurt (aside thought: is this why radical acceptance is so important - so we can accept the bad things that have happened to us without hurting each time they pop up in our memory??)

But after spending yesterday in a state of derealization, I began reading the next chapter in my DBT book on interpersonal relationships. And it began by comparing a passive and an aggressive approach to your interactions with others. I checked off about an equal number of things on each list. In some relationships I am overly aggressive when I have to deal with a problem, and I lash out and hurt others and ruin things. In others, I bottle up my frustrations and hurt myself.

My most recent hurt let me see this concept in real life: In this most recent incident, I tried to calmly stand up for myself, and when that didn't work, I shrugged the person off and just walked away. Then I let my anger subside, told myself a coping though and worked out my feelings a few days later talking to my therapist. I could have made a scene, or I could have bottled the anger up inside and ignored it, letting it fester. But I didn't. And I learned that, though I have to work a lot on striking a balance between being too passive and too aggressive in my relationships with others, I am growing.

Hurts like that are brutal, the most brutal of teachers.

But we learn. My God, do we learn.

Blood Boiling

I never really thought about the phrase "blood boiling" before, until yesterday. Someone said something so offensive and insulting to me that those two words popped into my mind. It was exactly what I was feeling...its how I feel when my anger gets out of control.

I had a choice in that instant - to make a scene or just shrug it off and walk away. I went with the latter, which I think was a good choice. Later, when I tried to rationalize my decision, and why I couldn't say something more to stand up for myself (though a dear friend did stand up for me), I simply accepted the fact that some people are completely ignorant and live in a little cocoon with no desire to learn or understand the world of the people around them. I think that's the closest I've come to radical acceptance so far (though its not truly radical acceptance because that is a judgment, and to radically accept something you just have to view it in neutral terms. But that got me through it.

Though this morning, my blood was boiling again, and this stupid little remark almost ruined my whole day.

But...I don't want to let it....

A Few Good Books

Just got back from a vacation...on one day, I went browsing through the psychology section of Barnes and Nobel for BPD books...though I didn't find the two books I was looking for, they did have a decent selection so I got to do a bit of reading. So I'll share some of the books I've read or browsed then and over the years that relate to mental illness and most specifically about BPD:

Get Me Out of Here - One woman's detailed account of what BDP is like - including recovery. This is a great read for anyone who has BPD, knows someone who does, just wants to learn more about the illness, or just wants a good story.

The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook - I realize I "advertise" this book a lot, but its been a big help to me! It has very detailed information and activities to teach you each of the four key DBT skills, including how to regulate your emotions, tolerate stress, be mindful and have effective relationships. It can be a bit heavy on the info at times, so I recommend anyone using it do the lessons in small increments. The activities can be immediately and effectively applied to your own life, and the book begins with setting up emergency plans on how to cope with overwhelming emotions and self-harm which is a great way to begin your recovery from BPD

Sometimes I Act Crazy - One of the first books I read when I suspected I had BPD, its a good introduction to the symptoms. It give detailed descriptions and case studies that help you understand the various aspects of the condition, and although its not set up to guide you through recovery it does offer some good suggestions on practices that are helpful to overcoming aspects of BPD.

Borderline Personality Disorder for Dummies - an all-inclusive book, it describes BPD and the symptoms, gives theories on why people develop this disorder, explains how and where to seek evaluation and treatment and gives a ton of tips on how to deal with BPD if you are a sufferer of a close friend of one.

Working from Home (Sand and the Mindful Mind)

I've been such a neurotic wreck lately - up and down, in and out of depression, shifting being being ok and being a mess. I don't really know why...I know there have been some small triggers lately, things that have upset me, but it is so minor in comparison to how terrible I am feeling. But, I suppose that's how BPD works - the emotional reaction is disproportionate to the cause. I've noticed another aspect of BPD lately too - the edge of my thumbnails and the bottom on my right foot are very uncomfortable because I have been picking and peeling at the skin on them. This is a self-destructive reaction for me, and I'm never quite sure what causes it...but I know when I am biting my nails and chewing my thumbs...and especially when I am picking at my feet until they bleed and hurt...that I am not in good shape.

Yesterday, I had to force myself to get up and get ready for work when I didn't want to...then my shift got cancelled so I got to stay at home and sleep. Then I had to force myself to get out of bed for my therapy appointment, but that ended up getting cancelled too. I tried to cheer myself up by walking around the dollar store and buying a few things, but I don't know how much it helped. I even indulged in some oatmeal cookies last night! But yet, my nerves were so shot last night I couldn't even enjoy my favorite TV shows. I took some sleeping pills and went to bed, hoping to wake up different, but I didn't. I had nightmares all night and woke up still a nervous wreck, so I chose to skip working and stay in bed all morning (I always feel like Esther at the beginning of The Bell Jar when I do that, and for some reason I find the similarity comforting).

As I lay there in bed, drifting in an out of the same nightmares, two thoughts came into my mind:

My first thought was that I need to work on Mindfulness more. Its the aspect of DBT that I least understand, maybe because I come from a conservative Christian background where meditation seems to be a dirty word and participating in the practice would be considered a treason of the accepted theology. But I have found that even the most open-minded of ministers don't always understand the psychology of the human mind, let alone the illness of the human mind. More importantly, I have learned that it is healthy for me to stop and consider where my mind is wandering, and recognize the thought processes that are detrimental to my health is key to my spiritual and mental well-being....and I am not betraying my God by doing this. And after reading Eat, Pray, Love and seeing the variety of people participating the Ashram that Elizabeth Gilbert went to, I know that I am not the only person like me to seek healing through meditation. So I've decided to learn more about the process, and use it is to better myself, and in those times that my mind is going crazy and telling me I am crazy, I will try to use Mindfulness Meditation to shut it up.

The second thought I had was of sand. More specifically, of a prayer-time practice I once did on a retreat in the Blue Ridge Mountains. We sat with a Tupperware bin full of sand, and used a chopstick to write each of our fears into the sand, then we prayed and allowed God to wipe them away, symbolically wiping them out of the sand. I loved this moment of the retreat - I wanted to get my own box of sand when I got home but I never got around to it. SO this morning I was remembering the sand, and relating it to the mindfulness practice of imagining your distressing thoughts written in the sand on a beach, where the waves come and wash them away. So I decided I wanted to finally get myself a box of sand to keep, and today I am planning on going to the store and doing that.

I kept those thoughts close, clung to them like a security blanket, turned them over and over in my mind like beads on a rosary. They comforted me this morning, and when I finally woke up to the day, I sprung out of bed determined to put them into action.

So today, I'm at home, working on things that will make me better...

Today's Freak-Out

I freaked out today.

I'll spare you the details of the long hard weekend I've had, or how I'm still extremely hormonal even though my period is almost over, and all that happened today. But suffice it to say at one point, I was soooo upset and angry that I totally freaked out.

When the anger comes upon me, it feels like I'm being electrocuted. I can feel it burning through my body, through every blood vessel, through every nerve. The thing I wanted to do most was yell at some people and storm out. If I had done that, my life might have fallen apart yet again.

Instead, I thought about my DBT workbook, and did this: I locked myself in the bathroom, turned on the cold water in the tub, laid on the floor with a nice soft towel for a pillow, and counted backward from 100 by 7s. The whole time thoughts kept popping into my head about how angry I was, how unfair things were, and how I felt, but I just kept focusing on subtracting Its hard for me to do simple mental math because I cannot visualize numbers well, so it kept my mind distracted long enough for my body to calm down. Plus I also have this theory that since the logical part of your brain works with numbers, doing math problems activates this side when you're being illogical (which I am when my emotions take over). I just laid there counting till I got close to zero, not caring about anyone else in the house...then I listened to the water with my eyes closed and before I knew it the burning anger had gone away and told myself "I've gotten through this feeling before, I can get through it again." I emerged from my temporary little cocoon feeling a bit more normal. Maybe I'm not normal or didn't really feel normal, but I was able to go back into the world and function like I was normal.

I'm learning...

BPD, meet my Hormones, you two have a lot in common!

Maybe its because I'm a teacher and I like cute little graphic organizers like this, but I feel like my emotional life can be summed up in a big Venn Diagram. The pink side A is Borderline Personality Disorder, the blue side B is my hormones and my other lovely diagnosis, Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. The purple area, where they overlap, is just plain hell.

Today is my second day in the purple area. Sorry to all the guys who might be reading this, but today I'm gonna rant about my time-of-the-month problems.

I've had PMDD for years now, and have been on birth control pills for it many times. Because of the side effects I chose to go off the pill, and have only been treating my PMDD with progesterone cream. It helps a bit, for instance with it my cycle is 28 days instead of 32, which means less pre-menstrual days to go crazy. But, like the pill, it doesn't take away all of the symptoms, and some months the main symptoms I have, mood swings and disphoria, are worse than others. After a week of bloating and backaches I started on time yesterday morning - 28 days exactly, which I thought was a good sign. But I have been completely exhausted and out of it since yesterday morning too, and that sucks. Yesterday, I was soooo irritable I got frustrated that I couldn't even find something to do to keep my mind off how irritable I was: I tried reading, writing, painting, watching TV, working out...but each time I started a new activity I just got all angry and quit it. Its irrational, but that's how my mind works when its flooded with hormones.

And even though lately the BPD side has been pretty good (that's why I chose it to be pink in the Venn diagram) last night I got SOOO frustrated and overwhelmed with all the stuff I had to do I felt an emotional attack coming on. (For lack of words, I've decided to coin the term "emotional attack" to describe those times when my emotions take over and my logical brain checks out) I was tired, worn down from my period, and had so much to finish before I could go to bed, even though I was too worked up to go to bed. I am glad that one of my medications makes me sleepy, because once I took it I was able to conk out and sleep and sleep and wake up to a morning when, hopefully, I can watch the anger and chaos of purple fade to calm lavendar.

OMG, I CAN'T Stop...

Lately, I've been lagging on learning more about DBT skills and completing the exercises and learning experiences in my DBT workbook. I know at some point in the next few day's I'll be pulling a marathon in preperation for my monthly meeting with my therapist next week, so I'll have some progress to tell her about.

But in the meantime, I've been following the show "This Emotional Life" on facebook, and reading the blogs and articles, and this particular one regarding labels caught my attention: http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/blogs/i-am-broken-leg

I could talk quite a bit about how I often think of myself as "I am Borderline" rather than seeing myself as a person with BPD (in fact I recently changed my blog header to better reflect a healthy view of myself), but the part of this article that really jolted me was this:

A lot of times I see clients feeling ambivalent as they get better. “Wow, I feel so much happier” and yet “this feels so weird and uncomfortable…am I still me?” This ambivalence, which is quite normal, can lead people to stop treatment and relapse back into their symptoms. If, however, an individual can see that they happen to have a condition that isn’t who they are, it can be easier to become free from it.

I have been guilty of that ambivalence lately: I know I have gotten a lot better, and 98% of the time I feel pretty damn happy and good inside. In fact, I was supposed to join a DBT group that was finally starting back up in my area this month, but from the progress I've made working through the book, my therapist doesn't think I need too! I am happy that I have done so well. But all the same, I haven't been as dedicated working at my treatment like I should be, because I am not done yet - in fact I am only about halfway through DBT. Though I have learned as lot of great ways to tolerate distress and have become a much more mindful person, I still have to
learn more about emotional regulation and especially how to have healthy relationships. So, although I've come a long way, I'm convicted now that I need to hunker down and really continue to work.

This is especially important because I know that I will most likely be facing a situation soon where I am going to be seeing someone who really hurt me, and I know a relapse could come from that. The events with this person have really been popping into my mind lately, probably because I know what is coming up, so I need to get more focused and use those instances - when I remember what happened and my emotions swell up - to practice my new skills and control myself.

All the same, whether I AM a borderline or I HAVE borderline personality disorder, I am also in recovery...

Joy Comes in the Morning?

Why am I always in such bad shape in the mornings? I am always angry, or sad, or anxious, or self-deprecating...or all of the above. Everyday it makes me want to crawl back under the covers and hide from the world. But once I get up, and get out into the world...things are usually fine. I find that I am strong, that I am ok, that I can handle my emotions, and that I have value. And for the rest of the day I can usually face just about anything. But all that confidence and stability is somehow sucked away in my sleep...no matter how good of a day I have had, once I wake up the next morning, I feel worthless and scared and angry all over again. And the only thing that can remind me once again of who I really am is the one thing I least want to do - go out and face the world.

This is how I felt this morning, and I chanted my mantra as of late "Get up, show up, do it anyway" on my way to work. And, I truly did have a great day - drove home hanging on a compliment of how I was good at my job. So now I feel as if I can conqueror the world. But tomorrow morning will be another story.

Goodbye pills?

One of my goals for this year is to get myself healthier so I don't need to take so many medications. Currently, I take meds for asthma, allergies, high blood pressure, acid reflux along with two antidepressants, and I get sick of swallowing all those pills everyday! Now, I am hoping that if I lose weight I can get off the HBP meds. I'll probably always need some allergy/asthma meds, and stomach acidity has been an on/off lifelong issue so a few of those will probably have to stay.

Which brings me to the antidepressants. I am hoping with my recent strides, I can go off prozac altogether, especially because I don't feel it having a huge bearing on wear I am in my emotional health right now. I have been on various doses of it on and off for over 10 years. It started with depression at 19, went on, off, on again. Then, six years ago I went on it for PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder) and since it seemed to help my frequent bouts of depression I have been on it ever since. In that time, my dose has fluctuated between 20 and 60 mg a day. At one point, a therapist told me I might be burnt out on it, and my doctor increased the dosage (which I thought was great since I suspected BPD at the time, and read that higher doses of prozac can help it. But with the higher dose I didn't notice a huge change in mood stability (besides feeling a bit out of it and numb), but I did have the unpleasant side effects of sleepwalking episodes and brief hallucinations upon waking up (the worse - waking up to see about a hundred guns pointed at me). I learned recently that prozac can inhibit REM sleep (hence the sleep episodes) and even though I'm only on a 20 mg dose right now, I wonder how it is effecting my sleep, since in two recent sleep studies I only entered REM sleep once per night (you should have 3-4 REM stages per night). So I talked to my new doctor about it last week, and both he and my therapist are supportive of my kissing prozac goodbye, with the understanding that I will go back on it if the need arises as well as as a few of my good friends to hold me accountable and tell me if I seem to become depressed enough to go back on it. However, since I live in Bleak SnowyWinterTown, my doctor wants me to wait until spring to avoid any dives into Seasonal Affective Disorder. Which is fine with me. I've made more progress in the last 6 months of DBT and one-on-one therapy than I ever have in past six years with Prozac, so I'm happy to wait a few more months to try my life with one less medication in it.

I am also currently on Elavil, which seems like it might stick around for a while. I was on it in the past for insomnia, and am on it again now for chronic headaches which nothing else has been able to treat. Time will tell if it helps the headaches: if so, I will keep it and if not it will be another pill to say goodbye to.

I am fully in favor of taking medication when it is beneficial to our mental health, but I have learned that for some people, like me, simply re-learning how to live can make a huge difference. So maybe, meds aren't for me anymore. We'll see...

My Emotional Life

Did anyone out there watch the special series "This Emotional Life" on that ran on PBS last week? I happened to stumble across it while searching through my DTV guide and watched about half of the episode on facing fears (which was episode 2 and just happened to be the one that dealt with BPD). I was so excited because so many of the things they were talking about were the exact same things I've been working on or discussing in therapy, like using specific strategies to regulate emotions like fear and anxiety. They even talked about radical acceptance and how, when people looked at their situations objectively and without judgements, their emotions shifted into the positive. They also did an excellent job in explaining the background of different types of therapy, how it has evolved, and why it works in certain situations. I am definitely going have to watch this series again in its entirety (so watch for me to post more on it!), and I recommend it to anyone struggling with emotional health.

Resolutions

I am home again after two weeks of holiday traveling. It was nice. I got to visit everyone in my family and my 3 closest friends. In all I went to 5 different cities! I'd spend a few days at each and then repack and move on...but I don't see any of them often enough, so it was worth traversing the entire state to spend time with them. And time spent driving in the car just singing along with my favorite songs is always therapeutic for me, so I have come home refreshed (if not rested, I'm rather tired out).

I have several resolutions for the new year. One of course is losing weight. Last year I managed to lose about 15 lbs. That is almost all that I put on in last year's major depressive episode, and although I did gain some back with being ill in the past few months, I am determined to work hard at it. My goal is to lose twice as much this year (30 lbs) and my stretch goal is to lose 5 lbs/month before the summer. I am hopeful. For one thing, over the past few months when I was too sick to do any exercising, I vowed I wouldn't take it for granted and be more committed to working out. So, I am positive that I will have some success.

I've a few other small goals as well: I am going to work on some writing projects, waste less time (mindlessly browsing the internet and facebook are two culprits) and I would really like to start running again.

Of course, I am going to continue working on my recovery. I am completing my DBT workbook and I have already put some of my new skills to use in minor situations. I am hoping this year to make some positive changes in my life and especially my career, and my new abilities in the area of distress tolerance and emotional regulation will be tested. Its frightening, but my mindset it to bring it on - even if I fail I guess it is practice.

Which brings me to my next goal: I'm going to start living. For the past five years, I really feel like I've been asleep in a way - my invisible battle with BPD has kept me from chasing my dreams and doing the things I want in life because fear and sadness always stood in my way. But I am learning how to battle the fear and the sadness, and the anger at myself and the world for my being this way is starting to heal. So I am going to go out there and follow my heart and try some things I want try, and some things I've tried before and failed at. Time will tell how my new found outlook changes my future.

Feeling the Horrible

Six months ago, I was at rock bottom. I had gone through the tumultuous breakdown of a friendship with someone I cared very much about based on actions they had taken, and was left feeling betrayed and heartbroken. I was so far gone that I barely felt like living. And even though in hindsight I can tell that the situation was in no way the end of the world, my world was at its end at the time.

(Can you recognize the BPD traits of chaotic relationships, emptiness and emotional overreaction in that?)

My friends all tried to make me feel better: one just told me to forget this person, another tried to keep me constantly busy to get my mind off of it. But one friend (one who is now helping me see how to evaluate how I hold up others in my eyes) gave me some of the greatest advice I've ever gotten. She told me "Don't be surprised by the pain....let yourself feel it, and experience it... and only after you have can you truly let yourself heal."

So last night, when I was once again watching reruns of Grey's Anatomy, the following conversation between Meredith and her therapist brought back those words:

Meredith: It makes absolutely no sense to try to be happy in a world that's such a horrible place.

Dr. Wyatt: Yes.

Meredith: What?

Dr. Wyatt:Yes, horrible things do happen. Happiness in the face of all of that... that's not the goal. Feeling the horrible and knowing that you're not gonna die from those feelings, that's goal. And you're not done. You've made progress because you're feeling and you're telling me about it. Six months ago, it would've been just you and a bottle of tequila. My door is always open.

Now that I think about it, it also reminds me of a phrase that I've picked as one of my "coping thoughts" to repeat to myself when I'm really having a breakdown.

My feelings may make me uncomfortable right now, but they are not going to kill me.

Another one of my thoughts: I'm a sensitive person who experiences the world differently and has unique emotional experiences.

I have thoughts like these written in a tiny notebook that I keep with me at all times, along with ways to relax, defect self-destructive behavior, and make good decisions when I'm overwhelmed. Its been a big help to me.

As a person with BPD, I've always been emotional, and a lot of times these emotions have run my life. They've made me who I am, stunted my growth and made me miss out on a lot in life. But I am learning. I am learning how to feel the horrible, know I can survive, and helping myself heal. That's the goal.

"Who Says I Can't Be Free?"

While doing some research and reading on BPD the other day, I came across this google health article that got me thinking about recovery. As I read the article, hoping to learn more about BPD and use and share that knowledge, I was disenchanted that the only information on this page on the prognosis of the disorder was "Borderline personality disorder has a poor outlook because people often do not comply with treatment."

Call me an optimist (with BPD?!?! Yes, its possible) but I just don't think "poor outlook" is the way to define the condition of me or any of my new-found friends with BPD. I believe there is hope, that we can have faith for brighter futures.

Yes, I am sure that many borderlines don't always follow their treatment plan, but treatment isn't black-and-white. It's not like developing an infection, where you go to the doctor, get some tests, and takes some pills and get better. Treatment takes a long time, its a long hard road. And by the very nature of mental illness, you stop caring very much for yourself and your health, and you do things that are unhealthy for you....its just as easy to skip out on therapy as it is to self injure or withdraw from your loved ones. If you have a physical illness and stop taking your medication, you feel worse and you know you have to take your meds to feel better. But when you have a mental illness, and you're not following treatment, you just don't care - you don't matter, you're health doesn't matter, and you believe the lie that mental illness feeds you that nothing will help you ever feel better. So I'm not surprised that many people with BPD, like with many other mental illnesses, don't always stick with treatment.

But it doesn't make us hopeless, and I know my case is a reason to have faith. I believe I've had BPD for at least 5 years now - I've been in states where I stay in bed for months, I've had periods where I've used food or medication or self-injury to numb my pain. I hit rock bottom six months ago and decided once and for all I wanted to get rid of this. And in those six months of treatment (individual and group therapy along with a DBT workbook) I have already made great strides.

One of the first things my therapist told me is that BPD is a condition that people can learn to treat and live with, and that for some people eventually recover from it completely!!! And I know she was right, because I'm doing better and there is so much research out there showing that recovery is possible:

One of the biggest myths have to do with whether BPD is something that people can recover from. One of these myths is that BPD is incurable. In fact, until several years ago, people thought that once you had BPD, you were stuck with it for life. However, we now know that this is not true, and that BPD actually has a very good prognosis. In fact, recent research suggests that people are more likely to recover from BPD than from bipolar disorder. The second myth related to this idea that BPD is incurable is the idea that BPD is untreatable, and that treatments don’t work for people with this disorder. Just like with the other myth, this is definitely not true. In fact, we now know that people with BPD can make incredible progress in short periods of time when treated with therapies developed specifically for BPD.
-Dr. Alexander L. Chapman (full interview here)

I've been addicted to a new favorite song, "Who Says" by John Mayer, simply because of the following lines, a great reminder for me that no matter what people say, there is hope for me:

Who says I can't be free
From all the things that I used to be?
Rewrite my history,
Who says I can't be free???