That Most Brutal of Teachers

"Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God, do you learn." - C.S. Lewis

Heard this quote a few weeks back watching reruns of Criminal Minds. And my heart heard it today.

Had a great therapy session this afternoon - talked about so much I literally came out shaking and was ready to try tears of relief and victory. We discussed splitting and anger and yesterday's episode of disassociation and whether or not my BPD will ever go away. ) I hope it will...)

But to me, the most important thing we discussed was something that happened a few days ago - someone laughed at me, said something rude and insensitive, and hurt me terribly. Today was the first time I talked about it; I even avoided calling a friend this weekend just because I knew it would come up and I didn't want to deal with it. I wanted to push it out because each time I thought about it, it made me hurt (aside thought: is this why radical acceptance is so important - so we can accept the bad things that have happened to us without hurting each time they pop up in our memory??)

But after spending yesterday in a state of derealization, I began reading the next chapter in my DBT book on interpersonal relationships. And it began by comparing a passive and an aggressive approach to your interactions with others. I checked off about an equal number of things on each list. In some relationships I am overly aggressive when I have to deal with a problem, and I lash out and hurt others and ruin things. In others, I bottle up my frustrations and hurt myself.

My most recent hurt let me see this concept in real life: In this most recent incident, I tried to calmly stand up for myself, and when that didn't work, I shrugged the person off and just walked away. Then I let my anger subside, told myself a coping though and worked out my feelings a few days later talking to my therapist. I could have made a scene, or I could have bottled the anger up inside and ignored it, letting it fester. But I didn't. And I learned that, though I have to work a lot on striking a balance between being too passive and too aggressive in my relationships with others, I am growing.

Hurts like that are brutal, the most brutal of teachers.

But we learn. My God, do we learn.

Something Fishy

My therapist seems especially impressed with the fact that I am so determined to overcome - or at least manage - my BPD, as though I just discovered it and decided to treat it. I've only seen her three times so far - the relationship is just beginning and I'm still learning to trust - and I haven't told her that I have suspected I've had BPD for three years now, and that looking back I believe that the onset of the disorder goes back at least several year before that. So finally, after half a decade with the symptoms, several years of thinking I may be a borderline, and several courses of therapy designed to treat just the depression aspect of my condition, I am ready to dive right in and get this taken care of. I am tired of the major depressive episodes that strike me at least once a year, of the daily roller coaster of emotion, of the sudden jolts of overwhelming anxiety or anger that interfere with my career and my relationships, of the impulses that lead me to make unhealthy choices.

So I've had a positive impulse - after reading that Omega-3 Fatty Acids may be beneficial to treating the aggression and depression aspects of BPD (both of which I've majorly struggled with in my most recent episode), I rushed out that night to buy a bottle of fish oil capsules. I'm not huge on alternative medicine but I also don't doubt its benefits, and if there is any chance it might help me I will at least try it. In addition, can help lower high blood pressure which I also have, so hopefully I can kill two birds with one stone...or with the six four smelling capsules I now take everyday!