The Failures and the Victories

I had a bad episode this past weekend. I won't go into all the details, because its so complicated. But suffice it to say a lot of little triggers came together to set me off and I was also treated badly by my family, so I briefly lost control.

When this happens now - when my emotions take control and I lose conscious control of myself - my mind automatically seeks a way to "distract, relax, cope." The method I chose to use this time was to listen to meditations on my ipod (some I've downloaded and others I recorded myself out of my DBT book). However, my ipod was dead and I had no way to do this, and this exacerbated the problem. When I did finally get my ipod going, I listened to this one and it calmed me down.

Then I focused on coping - I used several coping thoughts from my book. I practiced radical acceptance - I accepted the fact that people were treating me bad without hurting or judging them, just accepted it so I could move on. I went to work that same day, feeling terrible, but went. I avoided situations that would make the problem worse, even though it meant leaving home for the rest of the weekend. And though I have been sad in spirit for days now, I got up Monday morning and went back to my own life.

In life we have failures, and I may always have the problem of losing physiological control and having my emotions hurt me all over. But we have victories too. And the choices I made were the victories.

I still hurt. But I'm not frantic and angry anymore - I've relaxed enough to begin the coping process. And I'm carrying on. So fitting that the other night on a rerun of "Sex and the City" this quote from Carrie - after she tried being a model and fell on the catwalk during a fashion show - caught my attention:

"When people fall down in real life, they get right back up and keep walking"

Joy Comes in the Morning?

Why am I always in such bad shape in the mornings? I am always angry, or sad, or anxious, or self-deprecating...or all of the above. Everyday it makes me want to crawl back under the covers and hide from the world. But once I get up, and get out into the world...things are usually fine. I find that I am strong, that I am ok, that I can handle my emotions, and that I have value. And for the rest of the day I can usually face just about anything. But all that confidence and stability is somehow sucked away in my sleep...no matter how good of a day I have had, once I wake up the next morning, I feel worthless and scared and angry all over again. And the only thing that can remind me once again of who I really am is the one thing I least want to do - go out and face the world.

This is how I felt this morning, and I chanted my mantra as of late "Get up, show up, do it anyway" on my way to work. And, I truly did have a great day - drove home hanging on a compliment of how I was good at my job. So now I feel as if I can conqueror the world. But tomorrow morning will be another story.

My Emotional Life

Did anyone out there watch the special series "This Emotional Life" on that ran on PBS last week? I happened to stumble across it while searching through my DTV guide and watched about half of the episode on facing fears (which was episode 2 and just happened to be the one that dealt with BPD). I was so excited because so many of the things they were talking about were the exact same things I've been working on or discussing in therapy, like using specific strategies to regulate emotions like fear and anxiety. They even talked about radical acceptance and how, when people looked at their situations objectively and without judgements, their emotions shifted into the positive. They also did an excellent job in explaining the background of different types of therapy, how it has evolved, and why it works in certain situations. I am definitely going have to watch this series again in its entirety (so watch for me to post more on it!), and I recommend it to anyone struggling with emotional health.

"Feels Like the End of the World, This Sunday Night"

I'm in a bad mood today. There is no reason. Yesterday I had a great day: I slept in but not too late, worked out, got a lot of paperwork done that I needed to do, did a little light cleaning, and then got myself taco bell for dinner and watched movies all night, then SNL, and I drifted off to sleep very pleased with myself.

But today I just feel empty. Its not for lack of trying. I got up straight away this morning, worked out (I've vowed to be better at doing that) and tried to get myself out and into the day. I did some more cleaning, started packing for the holidays, tried playing my guitar. When all that failed I fell back on my old habit of going for long drives and listening to some soulful music - John Mayer, Jewel, Paul Alan. I thought about calling some friends to chat but just didn't have the motivationI ate two cookies, tried to find a movie to watch on TV. But I still feel....dead.

I hope its just that end-of-the-weekend dreading going back to work (and dreading the stress of the holiday travel ahead of me) blues, and not something more.


QUIET - JOHN MAYER
midnight
lock all the doors
and turn out the lights
feels like the end of the world
this Sunday night

there's not a sound
outside the snow's coming down
and somehow I can't seem to find
the quiet inside my mind

3:02
the space in this room
has turned on me
and all my fears have cornered me here
me and my TV screen

the volume's down
blue lights are dancing around
and still, I can't seem to find
the quiet inside my mind

daylight is climbing the walls
cars start and feet walk the halls
the world awakes and now I am safe
at least by the light of day,
at least by the light of day...

Feeling the Horrible

Six months ago, I was at rock bottom. I had gone through the tumultuous breakdown of a friendship with someone I cared very much about based on actions they had taken, and was left feeling betrayed and heartbroken. I was so far gone that I barely felt like living. And even though in hindsight I can tell that the situation was in no way the end of the world, my world was at its end at the time.

(Can you recognize the BPD traits of chaotic relationships, emptiness and emotional overreaction in that?)

My friends all tried to make me feel better: one just told me to forget this person, another tried to keep me constantly busy to get my mind off of it. But one friend (one who is now helping me see how to evaluate how I hold up others in my eyes) gave me some of the greatest advice I've ever gotten. She told me "Don't be surprised by the pain....let yourself feel it, and experience it... and only after you have can you truly let yourself heal."

So last night, when I was once again watching reruns of Grey's Anatomy, the following conversation between Meredith and her therapist brought back those words:

Meredith: It makes absolutely no sense to try to be happy in a world that's such a horrible place.

Dr. Wyatt: Yes.

Meredith: What?

Dr. Wyatt:Yes, horrible things do happen. Happiness in the face of all of that... that's not the goal. Feeling the horrible and knowing that you're not gonna die from those feelings, that's goal. And you're not done. You've made progress because you're feeling and you're telling me about it. Six months ago, it would've been just you and a bottle of tequila. My door is always open.

Now that I think about it, it also reminds me of a phrase that I've picked as one of my "coping thoughts" to repeat to myself when I'm really having a breakdown.

My feelings may make me uncomfortable right now, but they are not going to kill me.

Another one of my thoughts: I'm a sensitive person who experiences the world differently and has unique emotional experiences.

I have thoughts like these written in a tiny notebook that I keep with me at all times, along with ways to relax, defect self-destructive behavior, and make good decisions when I'm overwhelmed. Its been a big help to me.

As a person with BPD, I've always been emotional, and a lot of times these emotions have run my life. They've made me who I am, stunted my growth and made me miss out on a lot in life. But I am learning. I am learning how to feel the horrible, know I can survive, and helping myself heal. That's the goal.

Somedays I Freak Out

Yeah...so...somedays I just completely lose it. I came close today. Outwardly I held it together but inside I was a mess. I've been sick for over a month now (asthma complications from the flu) and am not getting better and I'm so frustrated because not only does it feel so uncomfortable to breathe everyday, but I also have this raspy voice that I have to force out (when I am normally a loud person). And working in a room full of 5 year olds all day long wore my voice, as well as my patience, thin. And everything that could go wrong today, did. I was worried about some financial problems. My hormones began their monthly freakout. The clothes I decided looked okay on me at home looked weird when I got to work. The roads were not plowed on my way to work and I straggled in 3 minutes before my starting time. The sidewalk had not been shoveled at work (at 11:50 am? really?) and I had to walk through the snow and get cold wet feet. So by the time I got home today I was feeling scattered and freaked out.

I thought about using some of my mindfullness and coping exercises to ease my craziness. In a way, I did - as soon as I got home I ate a big bowl of mashed potatoes. It did help me feel better, but since emotional eating is not a healthy coping strategy for me I suppose I should have turned to something else to calm me down. In fact, I just may go sit in my chair and listen to one of the mindfulness exercises I have recorded on my MP3 (from The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook). Last time, it worked well, and made me feel a lot better. Actually, now that I think about it, writing here in my blog has helped me feel better too, and its a positive coping strategy. Yay me!!!

One last thought...as I was driving home, I remembered how many times I've freaked out over finances - overdrawn bank accounts, late rent, etc. When it happens, I almost always go into emotional overdrive - I began to cry and worry and lose focus and try to get someone else to fix the problem for me. But I thought about how ineffective I am at solving the problem when I'm in freakout mode. Even if the bank's closed for the day or I can't pay my bill, letting myself get so worked up I get physically ill doesn't help anyone. So I am hoping that , in the future - as I become more fiscally responsible - I can use my new emotional regulation skills to handle my financial ups and downs without detriment to my mental health.

The Face of BPD - Part 9 of 9

Part 9 of my nine part series of what the diagnostic criteria (symptoms) of BPD look like in my own life.

Criteria 9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

I have felt completely out of it today. More than just feeling tired, I feel sort of empty and disconnected, unable to focus. So although I don't know how well I'll be able to gather information and write on dissociation, I'm going to try anyway.

I've avoided writing on this last part of BPD because I don't fully understand it, nor do I know that it applies to me. In sitting down and doing some research, however, I think that I do perhaps show some mild symptoms of dissociation and paranoia. For example, while reading the following web site, I came across the following definition:

Dissociation may affect a person subjectively in the form of “made” thoughts, feelings, and actions. These are thoughts or emotions seemingly coming out of nowhere, or finding oneself carrying out an action as if it were controlled by a force other than oneself (Dell, 2001). Typically, a person feels “taken over” by an emotion that does not seem to makes sense at the time. Feeling suddenly, unbearably sad, without an apparent reason, and then having the sadness leave in much the same manner as it came, is an example.Or someone may find himself or herself doing something that they would not normally do but unable to stop themselves, almost as if they are being compelled to do it. This is sometimes described as the experience of being a “passenger” in one’s body, rather than the driver.

How many instances I've recounted where I feel "controlled" by my emotions, and how often do I do things out of the ordinary when my feelings are at the wheel!? And as I think about it, these instances are sparked by stress.

I wonder about my own paranoid thoughts. I've seen the most tragic depths of paranoia - people who so fear the world that it has cost them their lives. Obviously, I am lucky to not struggle with such an issue, but I wonder if my intense and constant self-consciousness, my feeling that someone can see all the silly and stupid things I do, is a form of paranoia in itself.

And I wonder too, how much effect my growing ability to regulate my emotions and deal with stress will have on any dissociative symptoms I have displayed (and I'm sure there have been many, since I strongly suspect that I've had BPD for five years now).

So, as I continue to recover and learn about myself and my condition, I am sure I will learn more about this aspect of it. In the meantime, if anyone out there has stories or information on their own dissociation or paranoia (or that of someone you know), I would love to hear the stories.

full list of BPD criteria here

The Face of BPD - Part 8 of 9

Part 8 of my nine part series of what the diagnostic criteria (symptoms) of BPD look like in my own life.

(I am ready to finish up this series and write more about my day to day life!!!) :-)


Criteria 8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

If you look at me or have just gotten to know me, you would never peg me as someone with an anger issue. My outward personality tends to be happy-go-lucky and I am a bit on the shy and quiet side. I love working with children, Victorian decorating, and playing in the snow. I seem to be the polar opposite of what an angry person would be like.

But the right combination of factors can set me off. When you put together situations that I am especially sensitive to (like cheating in relationships or lying to a friend), a recent line of stressors, and physical difficulties (being tired or having PMS), the mixture can be brutal.

These are the times when I don't have anger issues, anger issues have me. I'm completely controlled by my emotions, and even hurt, betrayal, sadness or loss can manifest itself as my default emotion, anger. In fact, my anger is so prevalent that I can wake up in the morning and with no outside reminder or trigger, remember something that happened months or years ago that made me angry, and I'll be seething all day long.

My anger is exactly who the DSM describe it for borderlines. The intensity can be unreal - at times its feels like my entire body is being electrocuted and I can't stop shaking. My mind thinks of nothing but how angry I am, and what I need to do to stop this terrible feeling. But all too often, the anger really is inappropriate. The wrong that's been done to me might not even be real, it may just be something I've assumed someone had done. Or it might be a small mistake or issue that my mind has blown completely out of proportion. The amount of anger I had is disproportionately larger than whatever has happened. But at these times, I lose it, and as I result I lash out - either at myself or another person, if they are involved. Either way, the end result is the same: me and possibly someone else get hurt. I either have an argument with someone (in which I say the most uncharacteristic things) which hurts my relationship with the person and might even hurt the person themselves. Either that, or I end up withdrawing from others and doing something that will hurt myself (such as self-injury).

Its been about 4 months since I've had a big, blown-out anger attack, yet I've had so many throughout my life, and they've shaped who I am today. As I work my way through DBT and learn how to regulate my emotions and tolerate stress, I know that the little skills that are helping me to deal with little moments of stress, irritation, or sadness will be ingrained in me when another big issue strikes me again. But the next time, for the first time, I will be ready.

full list of BPD criteria here

The Face of BPD - Part 6 of 9

Part 6 of my nine part series of what the diagnostic criteria (symptoms) of BPD look like in my own life.

Criteria 6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

This one is pretty self-explanatory, but to put it in simpler terms, I would basically call it intense bad emotional states that come on suddenly (often with little or no outside provocation) and go away just as quickly.

My periods of depression were just as described in this definition: I'd be doing great and all of a sudden slip deeply into terribly intense sadness. Sometimes there was a clearly obvious trigger: one time, when learning of the wedding of a guy I used to date, I went very suddenly into a spell of depression that lasted an entire summer. In that episode, I became despondent, detached, lost interest in things I loved, and had such as hard time functioning that I ignored several important life decisions that made a serious impact on my future. Often times, however, there were no obvious causes. Perhaps a series of tiny setbacks sparked my fall, but I will never know for sure.

The really bad depression came in episodes that lasted for several months, but an equally detrimental and just as common, symptom of my BPD was the intense rushes of depression on anxiety that came on suddenly, lasted a few hours, then went away. I could wake up feeling on top of the world and in love with life, then one small – even unimportant – setback could spark me into feeling so depressed I felt suicidal.

“Reactivity of mood” is one of the aspects I am learning to deal with, and having some small successes. In working with my therapist as well as my DBT workbook, I am learning how to be more mindful and aware of what I am thinking. I’ve found that, as a daydreamer, my mind often wanders onto thoughts that make me feel bad – such something a person said or did that hurt me, or frustrating situations in my career life. When I think about those things, I have an emotional reaction. An my emotions, like that of most borderlines, can race out of control in a matter of seconds.

I shared an example of this with my therapist today, recounting a situation in which I was thinking about having to cancel plans with a friend and ended up feeling angry and frustrated with her because I felt that she didn’t understand or care about me. But one of the beauties of DBT is learning two key skills: distress tolerance and emotional regulation. I’m not there yet, but knowing some of these skills helped keep me from lashing out at my friend or feeling much worse than I did.

So, like many with BPD, I have found hope. I know that recovery is possible. I am the proof.

full list of BPD criteria here

The Illusion of Fine

Right now, in this little moment, I am fine. I am stable. No anxiety, no panics, no distress. I'm confident in my future - my ability to find a good job, to find some purpose in my life, to move on and become who I want to be. And its nice being fine - it gives me a heady feeling of comfort. But I know all to well that fineness can be an illusion.

For someone with BPD, emotions change quickly, often for no reason. The smallest occurrence, remark, or setback and send one quite literally into the depths of dis pair. I know, and recognize, this part of my condition. So although I'm enjoying the fineness, I know of its transience and am planning how to react when it is gone.

Just six months ago, I was fine. In fact, I was more than fine, I was on top of the world. I was beyond happy, confident, working hard and planning. I was confident in the future, looking forward to what life had for me, and had no idea what hell laid ahead. I was happy, yet it took only a few weeks, a few small situations and a few inconsequential people, to topple me. And once I fell, it took me months to get back up.

So now, today, I'm fine. But I know it will not last. So I continue to learn about the skills I will need when I fall again, when I am not fine. I'm practicing distress tolerance now, in little situations that ignite my emotions, like having a mistaken credit card charge. That way, when the big things come, when someone betrays me or breaks my heart again, or I lose something I worked so hard for, I will be ready. Ready to take those three steps to dealing with stress: Distract, Relax and Cope.

I'm glad to be fine, and I don't always think its an illusion in and of itself. But we set ourselves up for failure if we become so lulled by our fineness that we think out problems are over, that we've completely and forever healed, and that we'll never have another episode again. That's when we buy into the illusion that fineness sets up for us, and we let down our guard and fall.

Right now I'm fine, but next time I fall, I think I'll be ready.

Working Girl

Working is hard when you are in the middle of a depressive episode. Luckily, I had vacation time scheduled right as my latest one started, so the days when I couldn't get out of bed didn't interfere with my life. And I am blessed now to be at a very flexible on-call job where I don't have to work everyday and can turn down a day's work if I need to. But that flexibility makes it harder...its hard enough to get up out of bed on these cold fall mornings and get myself going under normal circumstances, but when I wake up feeling tired or depressed or angry it takes everything in me to get up and get to work.

We are not safe from our emotions anywhere - and work is no exception. For me, anger strikes in the most unusual of places and kicks me when I'm down (I, who's default emotion is anger in most every situation, and who rarely expresses it but buries it inside, making for more hurt and even bigger blow-ups when the explosions come). So today, my anger crept up on me at work, in a short 10-minutes of downtime. Its like a sports car - 0 to 60 in a matter of seconds. One moment I am find, the next filled with anger and hurt...and today I felt hurt knowing that the person who hurt me most recently is out there, going on with their life as if they didn't break me into a million pieces...and on the way to breaking someone else again, perhaps at that very moment I was sitting at work, in my chair, just trying to get through the day.

So today I was thankful for the notebook I've been keeping - the one I've filled with coping thoughts and self-affirming statements, and quotes from my favorite TV shows and music. I just read them over and over and over until the short break I had passed, and even wrote down a new quote I had heard a few days ago in a song. And I was swept back into the world of busy-ness again...