Working from Home (Sand and the Mindful Mind)

I've been such a neurotic wreck lately - up and down, in and out of depression, shifting being being ok and being a mess. I don't really know why...I know there have been some small triggers lately, things that have upset me, but it is so minor in comparison to how terrible I am feeling. But, I suppose that's how BPD works - the emotional reaction is disproportionate to the cause. I've noticed another aspect of BPD lately too - the edge of my thumbnails and the bottom on my right foot are very uncomfortable because I have been picking and peeling at the skin on them. This is a self-destructive reaction for me, and I'm never quite sure what causes it...but I know when I am biting my nails and chewing my thumbs...and especially when I am picking at my feet until they bleed and hurt...that I am not in good shape.

Yesterday, I had to force myself to get up and get ready for work when I didn't want to...then my shift got cancelled so I got to stay at home and sleep. Then I had to force myself to get out of bed for my therapy appointment, but that ended up getting cancelled too. I tried to cheer myself up by walking around the dollar store and buying a few things, but I don't know how much it helped. I even indulged in some oatmeal cookies last night! But yet, my nerves were so shot last night I couldn't even enjoy my favorite TV shows. I took some sleeping pills and went to bed, hoping to wake up different, but I didn't. I had nightmares all night and woke up still a nervous wreck, so I chose to skip working and stay in bed all morning (I always feel like Esther at the beginning of The Bell Jar when I do that, and for some reason I find the similarity comforting).

As I lay there in bed, drifting in an out of the same nightmares, two thoughts came into my mind:

My first thought was that I need to work on Mindfulness more. Its the aspect of DBT that I least understand, maybe because I come from a conservative Christian background where meditation seems to be a dirty word and participating in the practice would be considered a treason of the accepted theology. But I have found that even the most open-minded of ministers don't always understand the psychology of the human mind, let alone the illness of the human mind. More importantly, I have learned that it is healthy for me to stop and consider where my mind is wandering, and recognize the thought processes that are detrimental to my health is key to my spiritual and mental well-being....and I am not betraying my God by doing this. And after reading Eat, Pray, Love and seeing the variety of people participating the Ashram that Elizabeth Gilbert went to, I know that I am not the only person like me to seek healing through meditation. So I've decided to learn more about the process, and use it is to better myself, and in those times that my mind is going crazy and telling me I am crazy, I will try to use Mindfulness Meditation to shut it up.

The second thought I had was of sand. More specifically, of a prayer-time practice I once did on a retreat in the Blue Ridge Mountains. We sat with a Tupperware bin full of sand, and used a chopstick to write each of our fears into the sand, then we prayed and allowed God to wipe them away, symbolically wiping them out of the sand. I loved this moment of the retreat - I wanted to get my own box of sand when I got home but I never got around to it. SO this morning I was remembering the sand, and relating it to the mindfulness practice of imagining your distressing thoughts written in the sand on a beach, where the waves come and wash them away. So I decided I wanted to finally get myself a box of sand to keep, and today I am planning on going to the store and doing that.

I kept those thoughts close, clung to them like a security blanket, turned them over and over in my mind like beads on a rosary. They comforted me this morning, and when I finally woke up to the day, I sprung out of bed determined to put them into action.

So today, I'm at home, working on things that will make me better...

Somedays I Freak Out

Yeah...so...somedays I just completely lose it. I came close today. Outwardly I held it together but inside I was a mess. I've been sick for over a month now (asthma complications from the flu) and am not getting better and I'm so frustrated because not only does it feel so uncomfortable to breathe everyday, but I also have this raspy voice that I have to force out (when I am normally a loud person). And working in a room full of 5 year olds all day long wore my voice, as well as my patience, thin. And everything that could go wrong today, did. I was worried about some financial problems. My hormones began their monthly freakout. The clothes I decided looked okay on me at home looked weird when I got to work. The roads were not plowed on my way to work and I straggled in 3 minutes before my starting time. The sidewalk had not been shoveled at work (at 11:50 am? really?) and I had to walk through the snow and get cold wet feet. So by the time I got home today I was feeling scattered and freaked out.

I thought about using some of my mindfullness and coping exercises to ease my craziness. In a way, I did - as soon as I got home I ate a big bowl of mashed potatoes. It did help me feel better, but since emotional eating is not a healthy coping strategy for me I suppose I should have turned to something else to calm me down. In fact, I just may go sit in my chair and listen to one of the mindfulness exercises I have recorded on my MP3 (from The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook). Last time, it worked well, and made me feel a lot better. Actually, now that I think about it, writing here in my blog has helped me feel better too, and its a positive coping strategy. Yay me!!!

One last thought...as I was driving home, I remembered how many times I've freaked out over finances - overdrawn bank accounts, late rent, etc. When it happens, I almost always go into emotional overdrive - I began to cry and worry and lose focus and try to get someone else to fix the problem for me. But I thought about how ineffective I am at solving the problem when I'm in freakout mode. Even if the bank's closed for the day or I can't pay my bill, letting myself get so worked up I get physically ill doesn't help anyone. So I am hoping that , in the future - as I become more fiscally responsible - I can use my new emotional regulation skills to handle my financial ups and downs without detriment to my mental health.