I had a bad episode this past weekend. I won't go into all the details, because its so complicated. But suffice it to say a lot of little triggers came together to set me off and I was also treated badly by my family, so I briefly lost control.
When this happens now - when my emotions take control and I lose conscious control of myself - my mind automatically seeks a way to "distract, relax, cope." The method I chose to use this time was to listen to meditations on my ipod (some I've downloaded and others I recorded myself out of my DBT book). However, my ipod was dead and I had no way to do this, and this exacerbated the problem. When I did finally get my ipod going, I listened to this one and it calmed me down.
Then I focused on coping - I used several coping thoughts from my book. I practiced radical acceptance - I accepted the fact that people were treating me bad without hurting or judging them, just accepted it so I could move on. I went to work that same day, feeling terrible, but went. I avoided situations that would make the problem worse, even though it meant leaving home for the rest of the weekend. And though I have been sad in spirit for days now, I got up Monday morning and went back to my own life.
In life we have failures, and I may always have the problem of losing physiological control and having my emotions hurt me all over. But we have victories too. And the choices I made were the victories.
I still hurt. But I'm not frantic and angry anymore - I've relaxed enough to begin the coping process. And I'm carrying on. So fitting that the other night on a rerun of "Sex and the City" this quote from Carrie - after she tried being a model and fell on the catwalk during a fashion show - caught my attention:
"When people fall down in real life, they get right back up and keep walking"
Showing posts with label Dialectical Behavior Therapy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dialectical Behavior Therapy. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Sunday, April 18, 2010
A Sense of Hope
Was very heartened to get a comment on my last post from a reader who found my sense of hope "inspiring" and like to see my proactive approach to my condition. (thanks Stacy!) I worry sometimes - especially lately when I have been doing so well and am the closest to recovery that I've ever been - that people will find this blog to be saccharine and superficial. So it is good to hear that people in the world are finding some support and help in it.
When I started writing here in the fall of '09, I had just started my journey to recovery. I had just been diagnosed with BPD, although I has suspected it for a while and had displayed the symptoms for about 5 years. I'd been through so much before then, so much that I never shared anywhere, not even in my personal journals. The only record of those 5 hard years lies in my memory and a few small scars that never fully healed.
But when I started this blog, I was in a dark place again - I had limited functioning in the real world and barely left the house, let alone my bed. At my best times I was numbing my feelings with daily fast food binges and escaping reality with continually watching Grey's Anatomy DVDS; on my worst days I would take extra sleeping pills and a few shots of Vodka to lull myself into painless sleep.
I wanted to die, but knew I couldn't let that happen. The mental image of my family and friends at my funeral was frightening. So my only other option, if I wanted to survive (be it only to protect my loved ones from the pain of my death), was to fight.
So I did - I took that proactive approach; even though it seemed hopeless I did it anyway. I got evaluated and diagnosed. I started seeing my counselor regularly. Even though I had little faith that it would help, going to therapy and group sessions at the mental health center were comforting, they soothed me almost as much as eating or drinking. There were setback, such as the fact that the DBT group in my area was on hiatus. So I bought a DBT workbook and did DBT on my own with guidance from my therapist and discussions with others in group therapy. Often I had to push myself to do things I just didn't feel like doing, like simply leaving my room to go out into the real world. Going to therapy and group was taxing on days when I was simply exhausted, so I had to push myself. And each time I did, it got a little easier. My therapist always seemed so impressed with my ability to work so hard to recover. But she hadn't seen the years I'd spent not recovering. And besides, I didn't have a choice. It was fight or die.
Which brings me to today. I'm not recovered, but I'm better than I've been in years. I'm thinking clearly, making decisions, I'm less emotional and more level headed. I've learned how to deal with some of the major problems that have tripped me up and ruined my life in the past five years. More than that, I have actually written plans on how to deal with them - specific steps and strategies to followed when I feel lonely or scared or someone hurt me.
So overall I welcome the sense of hope that I have now. It's been hard-earned and long awaited. And for years I didn't think it was possible to feel this way. But I know now that was one of the lies that BPD tells you. I know now that there is hope.
When I started writing here in the fall of '09, I had just started my journey to recovery. I had just been diagnosed with BPD, although I has suspected it for a while and had displayed the symptoms for about 5 years. I'd been through so much before then, so much that I never shared anywhere, not even in my personal journals. The only record of those 5 hard years lies in my memory and a few small scars that never fully healed.
But when I started this blog, I was in a dark place again - I had limited functioning in the real world and barely left the house, let alone my bed. At my best times I was numbing my feelings with daily fast food binges and escaping reality with continually watching Grey's Anatomy DVDS; on my worst days I would take extra sleeping pills and a few shots of Vodka to lull myself into painless sleep.
I wanted to die, but knew I couldn't let that happen. The mental image of my family and friends at my funeral was frightening. So my only other option, if I wanted to survive (be it only to protect my loved ones from the pain of my death), was to fight.
So I did - I took that proactive approach; even though it seemed hopeless I did it anyway. I got evaluated and diagnosed. I started seeing my counselor regularly. Even though I had little faith that it would help, going to therapy and group sessions at the mental health center were comforting, they soothed me almost as much as eating or drinking. There were setback, such as the fact that the DBT group in my area was on hiatus. So I bought a DBT workbook and did DBT on my own with guidance from my therapist and discussions with others in group therapy. Often I had to push myself to do things I just didn't feel like doing, like simply leaving my room to go out into the real world. Going to therapy and group was taxing on days when I was simply exhausted, so I had to push myself. And each time I did, it got a little easier. My therapist always seemed so impressed with my ability to work so hard to recover. But she hadn't seen the years I'd spent not recovering. And besides, I didn't have a choice. It was fight or die.
Which brings me to today. I'm not recovered, but I'm better than I've been in years. I'm thinking clearly, making decisions, I'm less emotional and more level headed. I've learned how to deal with some of the major problems that have tripped me up and ruined my life in the past five years. More than that, I have actually written plans on how to deal with them - specific steps and strategies to followed when I feel lonely or scared or someone hurt me.
So overall I welcome the sense of hope that I have now. It's been hard-earned and long awaited. And for years I didn't think it was possible to feel this way. But I know now that was one of the lies that BPD tells you. I know now that there is hope.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
I Don't Want this Feeling to go Away
Lyrics | Jack Johnson lyrics - Upside Down lyrics
This time last year, I was talking daily walks through the woods around my house. Though I wasn't necessarily emotionally healthy, I was pretty happy. I had a lot of opportunities ahead of me and I was hopeful for the future. That was a good feeling.
But it wasn't too long before everything in my world fell apart, and like a person with BPD, I couldn't handle it I fell apart too.
I used to listen to this Jack Johnson song a lot on those walks, especially when I climbed to the top of the nearby hill and looked down at the world. And as I walked that hill today listening to the same song, I realized I feel just as happy and hopeful now, one year later.
But in the past year so much has changed. I've been officially diagnosed with BPD, gone through a year of therapy and finished a DBT course. I have a plan for handling the ups and down of the future that I am looking at, a future that in the past year has gone from hopeful, to nonexistent, to possible once again. And I am looking forward to living the future and continuing to heal from BPD.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Case Closed...
...at least for now.
Had my last official meeting with my therapist yesterday. Was nervous going there, because I knew March was the time we had decided to review my progress and decide on the next step. Though I have been doing so well, the concept of "leaving" therapy and "going" out into the real world on my own is scare (yes, I realize its not that black-and-white, but sometimes it feels that way).
I was surprised and overjoyed for many reasons. First, she said that I have been doing so well that she couldn't see herself possibly making an argument for continuing my case. Second, when I told her that I indeed did feel much better in the way I was coping with things, she said that that is exactly what she calls the definition of mental health: being able to cope with things. With life. Finally, she stressed that even though my case is closed at the center, I can always call her and come in for a visit or just to talk, without going through the whole process of being evaluated and re-opening a case. I thought that was very kind and put me at ease.
I'm going off prozac and only having occasional tiny bouts of "tearfulness." (which is normal). I am walking out of a 6-month long session of CBT and DBT and group therapy. I am functioning, I would say, about 99% normal right now (we all slip here and there). I go to work everyday, I don't cry myself to sleep or hide in my bed right now, and life - though full of challenges that will come at me full speed in the next few months - seems like a good thing again. The gray-colored glasses that we see the world through when we are depressed have come off and I have clear sight again.
Don't misunderstand: I don't consider myself "cured." I still struggle with some of the aspects of BPD. For example, I still struggle with thinking in mostly black-and-white terms in relationships. I especially do this with men, and I think if I ever decide to have another romantic relationship, I will need to work more on dealing with this. But I've learned to fight against my emotions and control them rather than them controlling me. I've learned the process of thinking more logically. I've learned how to cope with distressing situations - I have several written plans on how to do so.
I think it will be quite a while before I can put BPD behind me and look at it as something I "used to have." Because of that and because I still have so much to learn and say, this blog will go on. But for now, life is stable, and I am happy to report how happy I am to have found the light at the end of my tunnel.
Had my last official meeting with my therapist yesterday. Was nervous going there, because I knew March was the time we had decided to review my progress and decide on the next step. Though I have been doing so well, the concept of "leaving" therapy and "going" out into the real world on my own is scare (yes, I realize its not that black-and-white, but sometimes it feels that way).
I was surprised and overjoyed for many reasons. First, she said that I have been doing so well that she couldn't see herself possibly making an argument for continuing my case. Second, when I told her that I indeed did feel much better in the way I was coping with things, she said that that is exactly what she calls the definition of mental health: being able to cope with things. With life. Finally, she stressed that even though my case is closed at the center, I can always call her and come in for a visit or just to talk, without going through the whole process of being evaluated and re-opening a case. I thought that was very kind and put me at ease.
I'm going off prozac and only having occasional tiny bouts of "tearfulness." (which is normal). I am walking out of a 6-month long session of CBT and DBT and group therapy. I am functioning, I would say, about 99% normal right now (we all slip here and there). I go to work everyday, I don't cry myself to sleep or hide in my bed right now, and life - though full of challenges that will come at me full speed in the next few months - seems like a good thing again. The gray-colored glasses that we see the world through when we are depressed have come off and I have clear sight again.
Don't misunderstand: I don't consider myself "cured." I still struggle with some of the aspects of BPD. For example, I still struggle with thinking in mostly black-and-white terms in relationships. I especially do this with men, and I think if I ever decide to have another romantic relationship, I will need to work more on dealing with this. But I've learned to fight against my emotions and control them rather than them controlling me. I've learned the process of thinking more logically. I've learned how to cope with distressing situations - I have several written plans on how to do so.
I think it will be quite a while before I can put BPD behind me and look at it as something I "used to have." Because of that and because I still have so much to learn and say, this blog will go on. But for now, life is stable, and I am happy to report how happy I am to have found the light at the end of my tunnel.
Monday, February 22, 2010
That Most Brutal of Teachers
"Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God, do you learn." - C.S. Lewis
Heard this quote a few weeks back watching reruns of Criminal Minds. And my heart heard it today.
Had a great therapy session this afternoon - talked about so much I literally came out shaking and was ready to try tears of relief and victory. We discussed splitting and anger and yesterday's episode of disassociation and whether or not my BPD will ever go away. ) I hope it will...)
But to me, the most important thing we discussed was something that happened a few days ago - someone laughed at me, said something rude and insensitive, and hurt me terribly. Today was the first time I talked about it; I even avoided calling a friend this weekend just because I knew it would come up and I didn't want to deal with it. I wanted to push it out because each time I thought about it, it made me hurt (aside thought: is this why radical acceptance is so important - so we can accept the bad things that have happened to us without hurting each time they pop up in our memory??)
But after spending yesterday in a state of derealization, I began reading the next chapter in my DBT book on interpersonal relationships. And it began by comparing a passive and an aggressive approach to your interactions with others. I checked off about an equal number of things on each list. In some relationships I am overly aggressive when I have to deal with a problem, and I lash out and hurt others and ruin things. In others, I bottle up my frustrations and hurt myself.
My most recent hurt let me see this concept in real life: In this most recent incident, I tried to calmly stand up for myself, and when that didn't work, I shrugged the person off and just walked away. Then I let my anger subside, told myself a coping though and worked out my feelings a few days later talking to my therapist. I could have made a scene, or I could have bottled the anger up inside and ignored it, letting it fester. But I didn't. And I learned that, though I have to work a lot on striking a balance between being too passive and too aggressive in my relationships with others, I am growing.
Hurts like that are brutal, the most brutal of teachers.
But we learn. My God, do we learn.
Heard this quote a few weeks back watching reruns of Criminal Minds. And my heart heard it today.
Had a great therapy session this afternoon - talked about so much I literally came out shaking and was ready to try tears of relief and victory. We discussed splitting and anger and yesterday's episode of disassociation and whether or not my BPD will ever go away. ) I hope it will...)
But to me, the most important thing we discussed was something that happened a few days ago - someone laughed at me, said something rude and insensitive, and hurt me terribly. Today was the first time I talked about it; I even avoided calling a friend this weekend just because I knew it would come up and I didn't want to deal with it. I wanted to push it out because each time I thought about it, it made me hurt (aside thought: is this why radical acceptance is so important - so we can accept the bad things that have happened to us without hurting each time they pop up in our memory??)
But after spending yesterday in a state of derealization, I began reading the next chapter in my DBT book on interpersonal relationships. And it began by comparing a passive and an aggressive approach to your interactions with others. I checked off about an equal number of things on each list. In some relationships I am overly aggressive when I have to deal with a problem, and I lash out and hurt others and ruin things. In others, I bottle up my frustrations and hurt myself.
My most recent hurt let me see this concept in real life: In this most recent incident, I tried to calmly stand up for myself, and when that didn't work, I shrugged the person off and just walked away. Then I let my anger subside, told myself a coping though and worked out my feelings a few days later talking to my therapist. I could have made a scene, or I could have bottled the anger up inside and ignored it, letting it fester. But I didn't. And I learned that, though I have to work a lot on striking a balance between being too passive and too aggressive in my relationships with others, I am growing.
Hurts like that are brutal, the most brutal of teachers.
But we learn. My God, do we learn.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
A Few Good Books
Just got back from a vacation...on one day, I went browsing through the psychology section of Barnes and Nobel for BPD books...though I didn't find the two books I was looking for, they did have a decent selection so I got to do a bit of reading. So I'll share some of the books I've read or browsed then and over the years that relate to mental illness and most specifically about BPD:
Get Me Out of Here - One woman's detailed account of what BDP is like - including recovery. This is a great read for anyone who has BPD, knows someone who does, just wants to learn more about the illness, or just wants a good story.
The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook - I realize I "advertise" this book a lot, but its been a big help to me! It has very detailed information and activities to teach you each of the four key DBT skills, including how to regulate your emotions, tolerate stress, be mindful and have effective relationships. It can be a bit heavy on the info at times, so I recommend anyone using it do the lessons in small increments. The activities can be immediately and effectively applied to your own life, and the book begins with setting up emergency plans on how to cope with overwhelming emotions and self-harm which is a great way to begin your recovery from BPD
Sometimes I Act Crazy - One of the first books I read when I suspected I had BPD, its a good introduction to the symptoms. It give detailed descriptions and case studies that help you understand the various aspects of the condition, and although its not set up to guide you through recovery it does offer some good suggestions on practices that are helpful to overcoming aspects of BPD.
Borderline Personality Disorder for Dummies - an all-inclusive book, it describes BPD and the symptoms, gives theories on why people develop this disorder, explains how and where to seek evaluation and treatment and gives a ton of tips on how to deal with BPD if you are a sufferer of a close friend of one.
Get Me Out of Here - One woman's detailed account of what BDP is like - including recovery. This is a great read for anyone who has BPD, knows someone who does, just wants to learn more about the illness, or just wants a good story.
The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook - I realize I "advertise" this book a lot, but its been a big help to me! It has very detailed information and activities to teach you each of the four key DBT skills, including how to regulate your emotions, tolerate stress, be mindful and have effective relationships. It can be a bit heavy on the info at times, so I recommend anyone using it do the lessons in small increments. The activities can be immediately and effectively applied to your own life, and the book begins with setting up emergency plans on how to cope with overwhelming emotions and self-harm which is a great way to begin your recovery from BPD
Sometimes I Act Crazy - One of the first books I read when I suspected I had BPD, its a good introduction to the symptoms. It give detailed descriptions and case studies that help you understand the various aspects of the condition, and although its not set up to guide you through recovery it does offer some good suggestions on practices that are helpful to overcoming aspects of BPD.
Borderline Personality Disorder for Dummies - an all-inclusive book, it describes BPD and the symptoms, gives theories on why people develop this disorder, explains how and where to seek evaluation and treatment and gives a ton of tips on how to deal with BPD if you are a sufferer of a close friend of one.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Working from Home (Sand and the Mindful Mind)
I've been such a neurotic wreck lately - up and down, in and out of depression, shifting being being ok and being a mess. I don't really know why...I know there have been some small triggers lately, things that have upset me, but it is so minor in comparison to how terrible I am feeling. But, I suppose that's how BPD works - the emotional reaction is disproportionate to the cause. I've noticed another aspect of BPD lately too - the edge of my thumbnails and the bottom on my right foot are very uncomfortable because I have been picking and peeling at the skin on them. This is a self-destructive reaction for me, and I'm never quite sure what causes it...but I know when I am biting my nails and chewing my thumbs...and especially when I am picking at my feet until they bleed and hurt...that I am not in good shape.
Yesterday, I had to force myself to get up and get ready for work when I didn't want to...then my shift got cancelled so I got to stay at home and sleep. Then I had to force myself to get out of bed for my therapy appointment, but that ended up getting cancelled too. I tried to cheer myself up by walking around the dollar store and buying a few things, but I don't know how much it helped. I even indulged in some oatmeal cookies last night! But yet, my nerves were so shot last night I couldn't even enjoy my favorite TV shows. I took some sleeping pills and went to bed, hoping to wake up different, but I didn't. I had nightmares all night and woke up still a nervous wreck, so I chose to skip working and stay in bed all morning (I always feel like Esther at the beginning of The Bell Jar when I do that, and for some reason I find the similarity comforting).
As I lay there in bed, drifting in an out of the same nightmares, two thoughts came into my mind:
My first thought was that I need to work on Mindfulness more. Its the aspect of DBT that I least understand, maybe because I come from a conservative Christian background where meditation seems to be a dirty word and participating in the practice would be considered a treason of the accepted theology. But I have found that even the most open-minded of ministers don't always understand the psychology of the human mind, let alone the illness of the human mind. More importantly, I have learned that it is healthy for me to stop and consider where my mind is wandering, and recognize the thought processes that are detrimental to my health is key to my spiritual and mental well-being....and I am not betraying my God by doing this. And after reading Eat, Pray, Love and seeing the variety of people participating the Ashram that Elizabeth Gilbert went to, I know that I am not the only person like me to seek healing through meditation. So I've decided to learn more about the process, and use it is to better myself, and in those times that my mind is going crazy and telling me I am crazy, I will try to use Mindfulness Meditation to shut it up.
The second thought I had was of sand. More specifically, of a prayer-time practice I once did on a retreat in the Blue Ridge Mountains. We sat with a Tupperware bin full of sand, and used a chopstick to write each of our fears into the sand, then we prayed and allowed God to wipe them away, symbolically wiping them out of the sand. I loved this moment of the retreat - I wanted to get my own box of sand when I got home but I never got around to it. SO this morning I was remembering the sand, and relating it to the mindfulness practice of imagining your distressing thoughts written in the sand on a beach, where the waves come and wash them away. So I decided I wanted to finally get myself a box of sand to keep, and today I am planning on going to the store and doing that.
I kept those thoughts close, clung to them like a security blanket, turned them over and over in my mind like beads on a rosary. They comforted me this morning, and when I finally woke up to the day, I sprung out of bed determined to put them into action.
So today, I'm at home, working on things that will make me better...
Yesterday, I had to force myself to get up and get ready for work when I didn't want to...then my shift got cancelled so I got to stay at home and sleep. Then I had to force myself to get out of bed for my therapy appointment, but that ended up getting cancelled too. I tried to cheer myself up by walking around the dollar store and buying a few things, but I don't know how much it helped. I even indulged in some oatmeal cookies last night! But yet, my nerves were so shot last night I couldn't even enjoy my favorite TV shows. I took some sleeping pills and went to bed, hoping to wake up different, but I didn't. I had nightmares all night and woke up still a nervous wreck, so I chose to skip working and stay in bed all morning (I always feel like Esther at the beginning of The Bell Jar when I do that, and for some reason I find the similarity comforting).
As I lay there in bed, drifting in an out of the same nightmares, two thoughts came into my mind:
My first thought was that I need to work on Mindfulness more. Its the aspect of DBT that I least understand, maybe because I come from a conservative Christian background where meditation seems to be a dirty word and participating in the practice would be considered a treason of the accepted theology. But I have found that even the most open-minded of ministers don't always understand the psychology of the human mind, let alone the illness of the human mind. More importantly, I have learned that it is healthy for me to stop and consider where my mind is wandering, and recognize the thought processes that are detrimental to my health is key to my spiritual and mental well-being....and I am not betraying my God by doing this. And after reading Eat, Pray, Love and seeing the variety of people participating the Ashram that Elizabeth Gilbert went to, I know that I am not the only person like me to seek healing through meditation. So I've decided to learn more about the process, and use it is to better myself, and in those times that my mind is going crazy and telling me I am crazy, I will try to use Mindfulness Meditation to shut it up.
The second thought I had was of sand. More specifically, of a prayer-time practice I once did on a retreat in the Blue Ridge Mountains. We sat with a Tupperware bin full of sand, and used a chopstick to write each of our fears into the sand, then we prayed and allowed God to wipe them away, symbolically wiping them out of the sand. I loved this moment of the retreat - I wanted to get my own box of sand when I got home but I never got around to it. SO this morning I was remembering the sand, and relating it to the mindfulness practice of imagining your distressing thoughts written in the sand on a beach, where the waves come and wash them away. So I decided I wanted to finally get myself a box of sand to keep, and today I am planning on going to the store and doing that.
I kept those thoughts close, clung to them like a security blanket, turned them over and over in my mind like beads on a rosary. They comforted me this morning, and when I finally woke up to the day, I sprung out of bed determined to put them into action.
So today, I'm at home, working on things that will make me better...
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Today's Freak-Out
I freaked out today.
I'll spare you the details of the long hard weekend I've had, or how I'm still extremely hormonal even though my period is almost over, and all that happened today. But suffice it to say at one point, I was soooo upset and angry that I totally freaked out.
When the anger comes upon me, it feels like I'm being electrocuted. I can feel it burning through my body, through every blood vessel, through every nerve. The thing I wanted to do most was yell at some people and storm out. If I had done that, my life might have fallen apart yet again.
Instead, I thought about my DBT workbook, and did this: I locked myself in the bathroom, turned on the cold water in the tub, laid on the floor with a nice soft towel for a pillow, and counted backward from 100 by 7s. The whole time thoughts kept popping into my head about how angry I was, how unfair things were, and how I felt, but I just kept focusing on subtracting Its hard for me to do simple mental math because I cannot visualize numbers well, so it kept my mind distracted long enough for my body to calm down. Plus I also have this theory that since the logical part of your brain works with numbers, doing math problems activates this side when you're being illogical (which I am when my emotions take over). I just laid there counting till I got close to zero, not caring about anyone else in the house...then I listened to the water with my eyes closed and before I knew it the burning anger had gone away and told myself "I've gotten through this feeling before, I can get through it again." I emerged from my temporary little cocoon feeling a bit more normal. Maybe I'm not normal or didn't really feel normal, but I was able to go back into the world and function like I was normal.
I'm learning...
I'll spare you the details of the long hard weekend I've had, or how I'm still extremely hormonal even though my period is almost over, and all that happened today. But suffice it to say at one point, I was soooo upset and angry that I totally freaked out.
When the anger comes upon me, it feels like I'm being electrocuted. I can feel it burning through my body, through every blood vessel, through every nerve. The thing I wanted to do most was yell at some people and storm out. If I had done that, my life might have fallen apart yet again.
Instead, I thought about my DBT workbook, and did this: I locked myself in the bathroom, turned on the cold water in the tub, laid on the floor with a nice soft towel for a pillow, and counted backward from 100 by 7s. The whole time thoughts kept popping into my head about how angry I was, how unfair things were, and how I felt, but I just kept focusing on subtracting Its hard for me to do simple mental math because I cannot visualize numbers well, so it kept my mind distracted long enough for my body to calm down. Plus I also have this theory that since the logical part of your brain works with numbers, doing math problems activates this side when you're being illogical (which I am when my emotions take over). I just laid there counting till I got close to zero, not caring about anyone else in the house...then I listened to the water with my eyes closed and before I knew it the burning anger had gone away and told myself "I've gotten through this feeling before, I can get through it again." I emerged from my temporary little cocoon feeling a bit more normal. Maybe I'm not normal or didn't really feel normal, but I was able to go back into the world and function like I was normal.
I'm learning...
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
OMG, I CAN'T Stop...
Lately, I've been lagging on learning more about DBT skills and completing the exercises and learning experiences in my DBT workbook. I know at some point in the next few day's I'll be pulling a marathon in preperation for my monthly meeting with my therapist next week, so I'll have some progress to tell her about.
But in the meantime, I've been following the show "This Emotional Life" on facebook, and reading the blogs and articles, and this particular one regarding labels caught my attention: http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/blogs/i-am-broken-leg
I could talk quite a bit about how I often think of myself as "I am Borderline" rather than seeing myself as a person with BPD (in fact I recently changed my blog header to better reflect a healthy view of myself), but the part of this article that really jolted me was this:
A lot of times I see clients feeling ambivalent as they get better. “Wow, I feel so much happier” and yet “this feels so weird and uncomfortable…am I still me?” This ambivalence, which is quite normal, can lead people to stop treatment and relapse back into their symptoms. If, however, an individual can see that they happen to have a condition that isn’t who they are, it can be easier to become free from it.
I have been guilty of that ambivalence lately: I know I have gotten a lot better, and 98% of the time I feel pretty damn happy and good inside. In fact, I was supposed to join a DBT group that was finally starting back up in my area this month, but from the progress I've made working through the book, my therapist doesn't think I need too! I am happy that I have done so well. But all the same, I haven't been as dedicated working at my treatment like I should be, because I am not done yet - in fact I am only about halfway through DBT. Though I have learned as lot of great ways to tolerate distress and have become a much more mindful person, I still have to
learn more about emotional regulation and especially how to have healthy relationships. So, although I've come a long way, I'm convicted now that I need to hunker down and really continue to work.
This is especially important because I know that I will most likely be facing a situation soon where I am going to be seeing someone who really hurt me, and I know a relapse could come from that. The events with this person have really been popping into my mind lately, probably because I know what is coming up, so I need to get more focused and use those instances - when I remember what happened and my emotions swell up - to practice my new skills and control myself.
All the same, whether I AM a borderline or I HAVE borderline personality disorder, I am also in recovery...
But in the meantime, I've been following the show "This Emotional Life" on facebook, and reading the blogs and articles, and this particular one regarding labels caught my attention: http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/blogs/i-am-broken-leg
I could talk quite a bit about how I often think of myself as "I am Borderline" rather than seeing myself as a person with BPD (in fact I recently changed my blog header to better reflect a healthy view of myself), but the part of this article that really jolted me was this:
A lot of times I see clients feeling ambivalent as they get better. “Wow, I feel so much happier” and yet “this feels so weird and uncomfortable…am I still me?” This ambivalence, which is quite normal, can lead people to stop treatment and relapse back into their symptoms. If, however, an individual can see that they happen to have a condition that isn’t who they are, it can be easier to become free from it.
I have been guilty of that ambivalence lately: I know I have gotten a lot better, and 98% of the time I feel pretty damn happy and good inside. In fact, I was supposed to join a DBT group that was finally starting back up in my area this month, but from the progress I've made working through the book, my therapist doesn't think I need too! I am happy that I have done so well. But all the same, I haven't been as dedicated working at my treatment like I should be, because I am not done yet - in fact I am only about halfway through DBT. Though I have learned as lot of great ways to tolerate distress and have become a much more mindful person, I still have to
learn more about emotional regulation and especially how to have healthy relationships. So, although I've come a long way, I'm convicted now that I need to hunker down and really continue to work.
This is especially important because I know that I will most likely be facing a situation soon where I am going to be seeing someone who really hurt me, and I know a relapse could come from that. The events with this person have really been popping into my mind lately, probably because I know what is coming up, so I need to get more focused and use those instances - when I remember what happened and my emotions swell up - to practice my new skills and control myself.
All the same, whether I AM a borderline or I HAVE borderline personality disorder, I am also in recovery...
Monday, January 11, 2010
Goodbye pills?
One of my goals for this year is to get myself healthier so I don't need to take so many medications. Currently, I take meds for asthma, allergies, high blood pressure, acid reflux along with two antidepressants, and I get sick of swallowing all those pills everyday! Now, I am hoping that if I lose weight I can get off the HBP meds. I'll probably always need some allergy/asthma meds, and stomach acidity has been an on/off lifelong issue so a few of those will probably have to stay.
Which brings me to the antidepressants. I am hoping with my recent strides, I can go off prozac altogether, especially because I don't feel it having a huge bearing on wear I am in my emotional health right now. I have been on various doses of it on and off for over 10 years. It started with depression at 19, went on, off, on again. Then, six years ago I went on it for PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder) and since it seemed to help my frequent bouts of depression I have been on it ever since. In that time, my dose has fluctuated between 20 and 60 mg a day. At one point, a therapist told me I might be burnt out on it, and my doctor increased the dosage (which I thought was great since I suspected BPD at the time, and read that higher doses of prozac can help it. But with the higher dose I didn't notice a huge change in mood stability (besides feeling a bit out of it and numb), but I did have the unpleasant side effects of sleepwalking episodes and brief hallucinations upon waking up (the worse - waking up to see about a hundred guns pointed at me). I learned recently that prozac can inhibit REM sleep (hence the sleep episodes) and even though I'm only on a 20 mg dose right now, I wonder how it is effecting my sleep, since in two recent sleep studies I only entered REM sleep once per night (you should have 3-4 REM stages per night). So I talked to my new doctor about it last week, and both he and my therapist are supportive of my kissing prozac goodbye, with the understanding that I will go back on it if the need arises as well as as a few of my good friends to hold me accountable and tell me if I seem to become depressed enough to go back on it. However, since I live in Bleak SnowyWinterTown, my doctor wants me to wait until spring to avoid any dives into Seasonal Affective Disorder. Which is fine with me. I've made more progress in the last 6 months of DBT and one-on-one therapy than I ever have in past six years with Prozac, so I'm happy to wait a few more months to try my life with one less medication in it.
I am also currently on Elavil, which seems like it might stick around for a while. I was on it in the past for insomnia, and am on it again now for chronic headaches which nothing else has been able to treat. Time will tell if it helps the headaches: if so, I will keep it and if not it will be another pill to say goodbye to.
I am fully in favor of taking medication when it is beneficial to our mental health, but I have learned that for some people, like me, simply re-learning how to live can make a huge difference. So maybe, meds aren't for me anymore. We'll see...
Which brings me to the antidepressants. I am hoping with my recent strides, I can go off prozac altogether, especially because I don't feel it having a huge bearing on wear I am in my emotional health right now. I have been on various doses of it on and off for over 10 years. It started with depression at 19, went on, off, on again. Then, six years ago I went on it for PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder) and since it seemed to help my frequent bouts of depression I have been on it ever since. In that time, my dose has fluctuated between 20 and 60 mg a day. At one point, a therapist told me I might be burnt out on it, and my doctor increased the dosage (which I thought was great since I suspected BPD at the time, and read that higher doses of prozac can help it. But with the higher dose I didn't notice a huge change in mood stability (besides feeling a bit out of it and numb), but I did have the unpleasant side effects of sleepwalking episodes and brief hallucinations upon waking up (the worse - waking up to see about a hundred guns pointed at me). I learned recently that prozac can inhibit REM sleep (hence the sleep episodes) and even though I'm only on a 20 mg dose right now, I wonder how it is effecting my sleep, since in two recent sleep studies I only entered REM sleep once per night (you should have 3-4 REM stages per night). So I talked to my new doctor about it last week, and both he and my therapist are supportive of my kissing prozac goodbye, with the understanding that I will go back on it if the need arises as well as as a few of my good friends to hold me accountable and tell me if I seem to become depressed enough to go back on it. However, since I live in Bleak SnowyWinterTown, my doctor wants me to wait until spring to avoid any dives into Seasonal Affective Disorder. Which is fine with me. I've made more progress in the last 6 months of DBT and one-on-one therapy than I ever have in past six years with Prozac, so I'm happy to wait a few more months to try my life with one less medication in it.
I am also currently on Elavil, which seems like it might stick around for a while. I was on it in the past for insomnia, and am on it again now for chronic headaches which nothing else has been able to treat. Time will tell if it helps the headaches: if so, I will keep it and if not it will be another pill to say goodbye to.
I am fully in favor of taking medication when it is beneficial to our mental health, but I have learned that for some people, like me, simply re-learning how to live can make a huge difference. So maybe, meds aren't for me anymore. We'll see...
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Resolutions
I am home again after two weeks of holiday traveling. It was nice. I got to visit everyone in my family and my 3 closest friends. In all I went to 5 different cities! I'd spend a few days at each and then repack and move on...but I don't see any of them often enough, so it was worth traversing the entire state to spend time with them. And time spent driving in the car just singing along with my favorite songs is always therapeutic for me, so I have come home refreshed (if not rested, I'm rather tired out).
I have several resolutions for the new year. One of course is losing weight. Last year I managed to lose about 15 lbs. That is almost all that I put on in last year's major depressive episode, and although I did gain some back with being ill in the past few months, I am determined to work hard at it. My goal is to lose twice as much this year (30 lbs) and my stretch goal is to lose 5 lbs/month before the summer. I am hopeful. For one thing, over the past few months when I was too sick to do any exercising, I vowed I wouldn't take it for granted and be more committed to working out. So, I am positive that I will have some success.
I've a few other small goals as well: I am going to work on some writing projects, waste less time (mindlessly browsing the internet and facebook are two culprits) and I would really like to start running again.
Of course, I am going to continue working on my recovery. I am completing my DBT workbook and I have already put some of my new skills to use in minor situations. I am hoping this year to make some positive changes in my life and especially my career, and my new abilities in the area of distress tolerance and emotional regulation will be tested. Its frightening, but my mindset it to bring it on - even if I fail I guess it is practice.
Which brings me to my next goal: I'm going to start living. For the past five years, I really feel like I've been asleep in a way - my invisible battle with BPD has kept me from chasing my dreams and doing the things I want in life because fear and sadness always stood in my way. But I am learning how to battle the fear and the sadness, and the anger at myself and the world for my being this way is starting to heal. So I am going to go out there and follow my heart and try some things I want try, and some things I've tried before and failed at. Time will tell how my new found outlook changes my future.
I have several resolutions for the new year. One of course is losing weight. Last year I managed to lose about 15 lbs. That is almost all that I put on in last year's major depressive episode, and although I did gain some back with being ill in the past few months, I am determined to work hard at it. My goal is to lose twice as much this year (30 lbs) and my stretch goal is to lose 5 lbs/month before the summer. I am hopeful. For one thing, over the past few months when I was too sick to do any exercising, I vowed I wouldn't take it for granted and be more committed to working out. So, I am positive that I will have some success.
I've a few other small goals as well: I am going to work on some writing projects, waste less time (mindlessly browsing the internet and facebook are two culprits) and I would really like to start running again.
Of course, I am going to continue working on my recovery. I am completing my DBT workbook and I have already put some of my new skills to use in minor situations. I am hoping this year to make some positive changes in my life and especially my career, and my new abilities in the area of distress tolerance and emotional regulation will be tested. Its frightening, but my mindset it to bring it on - even if I fail I guess it is practice.
Which brings me to my next goal: I'm going to start living. For the past five years, I really feel like I've been asleep in a way - my invisible battle with BPD has kept me from chasing my dreams and doing the things I want in life because fear and sadness always stood in my way. But I am learning how to battle the fear and the sadness, and the anger at myself and the world for my being this way is starting to heal. So I am going to go out there and follow my heart and try some things I want try, and some things I've tried before and failed at. Time will tell how my new found outlook changes my future.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
"Who Says I Can't Be Free?"
While doing some research and reading on BPD the other day, I came across this google health article that got me thinking about recovery. As I read the article, hoping to learn more about BPD and use and share that knowledge, I was disenchanted that the only information on this page on the prognosis of the disorder was "Borderline personality disorder has a poor outlook because people often do not comply with treatment."
Call me an optimist (with BPD?!?! Yes, its possible) but I just don't think "poor outlook" is the way to define the condition of me or any of my new-found friends with BPD. I believe there is hope, that we can have faith for brighter futures.
Yes, I am sure that many borderlines don't always follow their treatment plan, but treatment isn't black-and-white. It's not like developing an infection, where you go to the doctor, get some tests, and takes some pills and get better. Treatment takes a long time, its a long hard road. And by the very nature of mental illness, you stop caring very much for yourself and your health, and you do things that are unhealthy for you....its just as easy to skip out on therapy as it is to self injure or withdraw from your loved ones. If you have a physical illness and stop taking your medication, you feel worse and you know you have to take your meds to feel better. But when you have a mental illness, and you're not following treatment, you just don't care - you don't matter, you're health doesn't matter, and you believe the lie that mental illness feeds you that nothing will help you ever feel better. So I'm not surprised that many people with BPD, like with many other mental illnesses, don't always stick with treatment.
But it doesn't make us hopeless, and I know my case is a reason to have faith. I believe I've had BPD for at least 5 years now - I've been in states where I stay in bed for months, I've had periods where I've used food or medication or self-injury to numb my pain. I hit rock bottom six months ago and decided once and for all I wanted to get rid of this. And in those six months of treatment (individual and group therapy along with a DBT workbook) I have already made great strides.
One of the first things my therapist told me is that BPD is a condition that people can learn to treat and live with, and that for some people eventually recover from it completely!!! And I know she was right, because I'm doing better and there is so much research out there showing that recovery is possible:
One of the biggest myths have to do with whether BPD is something that people can recover from. One of these myths is that BPD is incurable. In fact, until several years ago, people thought that once you had BPD, you were stuck with it for life. However, we now know that this is not true, and that BPD actually has a very good prognosis. In fact, recent research suggests that people are more likely to recover from BPD than from bipolar disorder. The second myth related to this idea that BPD is incurable is the idea that BPD is untreatable, and that treatments don’t work for people with this disorder. Just like with the other myth, this is definitely not true. In fact, we now know that people with BPD can make incredible progress in short periods of time when treated with therapies developed specifically for BPD.
-Dr. Alexander L. Chapman (full interview here)
I've been addicted to a new favorite song, "Who Says" by John Mayer, simply because of the following lines, a great reminder for me that no matter what people say, there is hope for me:
Who says I can't be free
From all the things that I used to be?
Rewrite my history,
Who says I can't be free???
Call me an optimist (with BPD?!?! Yes, its possible) but I just don't think "poor outlook" is the way to define the condition of me or any of my new-found friends with BPD. I believe there is hope, that we can have faith for brighter futures.
Yes, I am sure that many borderlines don't always follow their treatment plan, but treatment isn't black-and-white. It's not like developing an infection, where you go to the doctor, get some tests, and takes some pills and get better. Treatment takes a long time, its a long hard road. And by the very nature of mental illness, you stop caring very much for yourself and your health, and you do things that are unhealthy for you....its just as easy to skip out on therapy as it is to self injure or withdraw from your loved ones. If you have a physical illness and stop taking your medication, you feel worse and you know you have to take your meds to feel better. But when you have a mental illness, and you're not following treatment, you just don't care - you don't matter, you're health doesn't matter, and you believe the lie that mental illness feeds you that nothing will help you ever feel better. So I'm not surprised that many people with BPD, like with many other mental illnesses, don't always stick with treatment.
But it doesn't make us hopeless, and I know my case is a reason to have faith. I believe I've had BPD for at least 5 years now - I've been in states where I stay in bed for months, I've had periods where I've used food or medication or self-injury to numb my pain. I hit rock bottom six months ago and decided once and for all I wanted to get rid of this. And in those six months of treatment (individual and group therapy along with a DBT workbook) I have already made great strides.
One of the first things my therapist told me is that BPD is a condition that people can learn to treat and live with, and that for some people eventually recover from it completely!!! And I know she was right, because I'm doing better and there is so much research out there showing that recovery is possible:
One of the biggest myths have to do with whether BPD is something that people can recover from. One of these myths is that BPD is incurable. In fact, until several years ago, people thought that once you had BPD, you were stuck with it for life. However, we now know that this is not true, and that BPD actually has a very good prognosis. In fact, recent research suggests that people are more likely to recover from BPD than from bipolar disorder. The second myth related to this idea that BPD is incurable is the idea that BPD is untreatable, and that treatments don’t work for people with this disorder. Just like with the other myth, this is definitely not true. In fact, we now know that people with BPD can make incredible progress in short periods of time when treated with therapies developed specifically for BPD.
-Dr. Alexander L. Chapman (full interview here)
I've been addicted to a new favorite song, "Who Says" by John Mayer, simply because of the following lines, a great reminder for me that no matter what people say, there is hope for me:
Who says I can't be free
From all the things that I used to be?
Rewrite my history,
Who says I can't be free???
Monday, December 7, 2009
Somedays I Freak Out
Yeah...so...somedays I just completely lose it. I came close today. Outwardly I held it together but inside I was a mess. I've been sick for over a month now (asthma complications from the flu) and am not getting better and I'm so frustrated because not only does it feel so uncomfortable to breathe everyday, but I also have this raspy voice that I have to force out (when I am normally a loud person). And working in a room full of 5 year olds all day long wore my voice, as well as my patience, thin. And everything that could go wrong today, did. I was worried about some financial problems. My hormones began their monthly freakout. The clothes I decided looked okay on me at home looked weird when I got to work. The roads were not plowed on my way to work and I straggled in 3 minutes before my starting time. The sidewalk had not been shoveled at work (at 11:50 am? really?) and I had to walk through the snow and get cold wet feet. So by the time I got home today I was feeling scattered and freaked out.
I thought about using some of my mindfullness and coping exercises to ease my craziness. In a way, I did - as soon as I got home I ate a big bowl of mashed potatoes. It did help me feel better, but since emotional eating is not a healthy coping strategy for me I suppose I should have turned to something else to calm me down. In fact, I just may go sit in my chair and listen to one of the mindfulness exercises I have recorded on my MP3 (from The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook). Last time, it worked well, and made me feel a lot better. Actually, now that I think about it, writing here in my blog has helped me feel better too, and its a positive coping strategy. Yay me!!!
One last thought...as I was driving home, I remembered how many times I've freaked out over finances - overdrawn bank accounts, late rent, etc. When it happens, I almost always go into emotional overdrive - I began to cry and worry and lose focus and try to get someone else to fix the problem for me. But I thought about how ineffective I am at solving the problem when I'm in freakout mode. Even if the bank's closed for the day or I can't pay my bill, letting myself get so worked up I get physically ill doesn't help anyone. So I am hoping that , in the future - as I become more fiscally responsible - I can use my new emotional regulation skills to handle my financial ups and downs without detriment to my mental health.
I thought about using some of my mindfullness and coping exercises to ease my craziness. In a way, I did - as soon as I got home I ate a big bowl of mashed potatoes. It did help me feel better, but since emotional eating is not a healthy coping strategy for me I suppose I should have turned to something else to calm me down. In fact, I just may go sit in my chair and listen to one of the mindfulness exercises I have recorded on my MP3 (from The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook). Last time, it worked well, and made me feel a lot better. Actually, now that I think about it, writing here in my blog has helped me feel better too, and its a positive coping strategy. Yay me!!!
One last thought...as I was driving home, I remembered how many times I've freaked out over finances - overdrawn bank accounts, late rent, etc. When it happens, I almost always go into emotional overdrive - I began to cry and worry and lose focus and try to get someone else to fix the problem for me. But I thought about how ineffective I am at solving the problem when I'm in freakout mode. Even if the bank's closed for the day or I can't pay my bill, letting myself get so worked up I get physically ill doesn't help anyone. So I am hoping that , in the future - as I become more fiscally responsible - I can use my new emotional regulation skills to handle my financial ups and downs without detriment to my mental health.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
The Face of BPD - Part 8 of 9
Part 8 of my nine part series of what the diagnostic criteria (symptoms) of BPD look like in my own life.
(I am ready to finish up this series and write more about my day to day life!!!) :-)
Criteria 8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
If you look at me or have just gotten to know me, you would never peg me as someone with an anger issue. My outward personality tends to be happy-go-lucky and I am a bit on the shy and quiet side. I love working with children, Victorian decorating, and playing in the snow. I seem to be the polar opposite of what an angry person would be like.
But the right combination of factors can set me off. When you put together situations that I am especially sensitive to (like cheating in relationships or lying to a friend), a recent line of stressors, and physical difficulties (being tired or having PMS), the mixture can be brutal.
These are the times when I don't have anger issues, anger issues have me. I'm completely controlled by my emotions, and even hurt, betrayal, sadness or loss can manifest itself as my default emotion, anger. In fact, my anger is so prevalent that I can wake up in the morning and with no outside reminder or trigger, remember something that happened months or years ago that made me angry, and I'll be seething all day long.
My anger is exactly who the DSM describe it for borderlines. The intensity can be unreal - at times its feels like my entire body is being electrocuted and I can't stop shaking. My mind thinks of nothing but how angry I am, and what I need to do to stop this terrible feeling. But all too often, the anger really is inappropriate. The wrong that's been done to me might not even be real, it may just be something I've assumed someone had done. Or it might be a small mistake or issue that my mind has blown completely out of proportion. The amount of anger I had is disproportionately larger than whatever has happened. But at these times, I lose it, and as I result I lash out - either at myself or another person, if they are involved. Either way, the end result is the same: me and possibly someone else get hurt. I either have an argument with someone (in which I say the most uncharacteristic things) which hurts my relationship with the person and might even hurt the person themselves. Either that, or I end up withdrawing from others and doing something that will hurt myself (such as self-injury).
Its been about 4 months since I've had a big, blown-out anger attack, yet I've had so many throughout my life, and they've shaped who I am today. As I work my way through DBT and learn how to regulate my emotions and tolerate stress, I know that the little skills that are helping me to deal with little moments of stress, irritation, or sadness will be ingrained in me when another big issue strikes me again. But the next time, for the first time, I will be ready.
full list of BPD criteria here
(I am ready to finish up this series and write more about my day to day life!!!) :-)
Criteria 8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
If you look at me or have just gotten to know me, you would never peg me as someone with an anger issue. My outward personality tends to be happy-go-lucky and I am a bit on the shy and quiet side. I love working with children, Victorian decorating, and playing in the snow. I seem to be the polar opposite of what an angry person would be like.
But the right combination of factors can set me off. When you put together situations that I am especially sensitive to (like cheating in relationships or lying to a friend), a recent line of stressors, and physical difficulties (being tired or having PMS), the mixture can be brutal.
These are the times when I don't have anger issues, anger issues have me. I'm completely controlled by my emotions, and even hurt, betrayal, sadness or loss can manifest itself as my default emotion, anger. In fact, my anger is so prevalent that I can wake up in the morning and with no outside reminder or trigger, remember something that happened months or years ago that made me angry, and I'll be seething all day long.
My anger is exactly who the DSM describe it for borderlines. The intensity can be unreal - at times its feels like my entire body is being electrocuted and I can't stop shaking. My mind thinks of nothing but how angry I am, and what I need to do to stop this terrible feeling. But all too often, the anger really is inappropriate. The wrong that's been done to me might not even be real, it may just be something I've assumed someone had done. Or it might be a small mistake or issue that my mind has blown completely out of proportion. The amount of anger I had is disproportionately larger than whatever has happened. But at these times, I lose it, and as I result I lash out - either at myself or another person, if they are involved. Either way, the end result is the same: me and possibly someone else get hurt. I either have an argument with someone (in which I say the most uncharacteristic things) which hurts my relationship with the person and might even hurt the person themselves. Either that, or I end up withdrawing from others and doing something that will hurt myself (such as self-injury).
Its been about 4 months since I've had a big, blown-out anger attack, yet I've had so many throughout my life, and they've shaped who I am today. As I work my way through DBT and learn how to regulate my emotions and tolerate stress, I know that the little skills that are helping me to deal with little moments of stress, irritation, or sadness will be ingrained in me when another big issue strikes me again. But the next time, for the first time, I will be ready.
full list of BPD criteria here
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
The Face of BPD - Part 6 of 9
Part 6 of my nine part series of what the diagnostic criteria (symptoms) of BPD look like in my own life.
Criteria 6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
This one is pretty self-explanatory, but to put it in simpler terms, I would basically call it intense bad emotional states that come on suddenly (often with little or no outside provocation) and go away just as quickly.
My periods of depression were just as described in this definition: I'd be doing great and all of a sudden slip deeply into terribly intense sadness. Sometimes there was a clearly obvious trigger: one time, when learning of the wedding of a guy I used to date, I went very suddenly into a spell of depression that lasted an entire summer. In that episode, I became despondent, detached, lost interest in things I loved, and had such as hard time functioning that I ignored several important life decisions that made a serious impact on my future. Often times, however, there were no obvious causes. Perhaps a series of tiny setbacks sparked my fall, but I will never know for sure.
The really bad depression came in episodes that lasted for several months, but an equally detrimental and just as common, symptom of my BPD was the intense rushes of depression on anxiety that came on suddenly, lasted a few hours, then went away. I could wake up feeling on top of the world and in love with life, then one small – even unimportant – setback could spark me into feeling so depressed I felt suicidal.
“Reactivity of mood” is one of the aspects I am learning to deal with, and having some small successes. In working with my therapist as well as my DBT workbook, I am learning how to be more mindful and aware of what I am thinking. I’ve found that, as a daydreamer, my mind often wanders onto thoughts that make me feel bad – such something a person said or did that hurt me, or frustrating situations in my career life. When I think about those things, I have an emotional reaction. An my emotions, like that of most borderlines, can race out of control in a matter of seconds.
I shared an example of this with my therapist today, recounting a situation in which I was thinking about having to cancel plans with a friend and ended up feeling angry and frustrated with her because I felt that she didn’t understand or care about me. But one of the beauties of DBT is learning two key skills: distress tolerance and emotional regulation. I’m not there yet, but knowing some of these skills helped keep me from lashing out at my friend or feeling much worse than I did.
So, like many with BPD, I have found hope. I know that recovery is possible. I am the proof.
full list of BPD criteria here
Criteria 6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
This one is pretty self-explanatory, but to put it in simpler terms, I would basically call it intense bad emotional states that come on suddenly (often with little or no outside provocation) and go away just as quickly.
My periods of depression were just as described in this definition: I'd be doing great and all of a sudden slip deeply into terribly intense sadness. Sometimes there was a clearly obvious trigger: one time, when learning of the wedding of a guy I used to date, I went very suddenly into a spell of depression that lasted an entire summer. In that episode, I became despondent, detached, lost interest in things I loved, and had such as hard time functioning that I ignored several important life decisions that made a serious impact on my future. Often times, however, there were no obvious causes. Perhaps a series of tiny setbacks sparked my fall, but I will never know for sure.
The really bad depression came in episodes that lasted for several months, but an equally detrimental and just as common, symptom of my BPD was the intense rushes of depression on anxiety that came on suddenly, lasted a few hours, then went away. I could wake up feeling on top of the world and in love with life, then one small – even unimportant – setback could spark me into feeling so depressed I felt suicidal.
“Reactivity of mood” is one of the aspects I am learning to deal with, and having some small successes. In working with my therapist as well as my DBT workbook, I am learning how to be more mindful and aware of what I am thinking. I’ve found that, as a daydreamer, my mind often wanders onto thoughts that make me feel bad – such something a person said or did that hurt me, or frustrating situations in my career life. When I think about those things, I have an emotional reaction. An my emotions, like that of most borderlines, can race out of control in a matter of seconds.
I shared an example of this with my therapist today, recounting a situation in which I was thinking about having to cancel plans with a friend and ended up feeling angry and frustrated with her because I felt that she didn’t understand or care about me. But one of the beauties of DBT is learning two key skills: distress tolerance and emotional regulation. I’m not there yet, but knowing some of these skills helped keep me from lashing out at my friend or feeling much worse than I did.
So, like many with BPD, I have found hope. I know that recovery is possible. I am the proof.
full list of BPD criteria here
Monday, October 26, 2009
The Face of BPD (part 4 of 9)
Part 4 of my nine part series of what the diagnostic criteria (symptoms) of BPD look like in my own life.
Criterion #4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
This criterion/symptom to me was easy to confuse with bi-polar disorder. In fact, when I first contacted the mental health center for an assessment, I told them I thought I might be bi-polar, even though in the back of my mind I knew it was in fact probably BPD. I felt validated the first day I visited my therapist and she said that's what it was.
Anyway, this is short and sweet: my impulsive areas are binge eating, substance abuse, and occasionally, spending.
Binge eating has been a problem for me because I am an emotional eater. When my feelings take control and I can't feel better, I eat to numb the pain, and the more food I can enjoy the better I feel. My favorite food to soothe myself with is fast food. I think it is because I don't have to do any work to prepare it and driving in my car while listening to music to go get it is also soothing to me. I think the biggest emotional meal I ever ate was a super size double cheeseburger meal with two apple pies from McDonald's. In my memory, I think I may have continued to eat food from the refrigerator after finishing this meal. Needless to say, in the past five years or so (coincidentally the same amount of time I can recognized symptoms of BPD) I have gained a significant amount of weight from binge eating.
One of my new year's resolutions this year (before I knew about the BPD) was to try to control my emotional eating. I have had some success with it. I have often tried to replace eating with other activities such as exercising or reading. However, I am not totally in the clear. I still binge eat occasionally when things are really bad, and its harder to avoid when I actually am hungry. But by admitting it is a problem and watching out for it, I have cut down on the times I binge and have even lost 17 pounds this year - another new year's resolution met!
Another area of impusivity is substance abuse. When I tell my therapist and others that is not really a problem or addition I feel they think I'm a typical user denying the problem, but I'm telling the truth. I'm not addicted and I don't have a problem with drugs or alcohol. In fact, as of today, its been over a month since I've even had a drop to drink. The only time I've ever used anything is in those really really bad episodes where I just can't deal with the pain. In those times, it seems that the only option is to either self-medicate or to self-injure. I chose the former since it seems (for me since I don't have an addiction) to be the safest. And in those moments the usage is pretty tame: I have a few drinks until I'm just tipsy enough to fall asleep without thinking of my pain or my problems, or I take one leftover prescription painkiller to knock me out. Though its never gotten to the point of me being an alcoholic or taking anything illegal, I know the impuslivity of it is the problem, the link to BPD.
Occasionally I do go on a spending spree, but this is very rare for me. The most recent example was this summer, when I all of a sudden took the notion that I had to have a new MP3 player. I had thought about getting a new one for a while, and planned to do some research on which would be the best choice for me and my budget. But one day, when I had first started to fall into an episode, I suddenly decided I needed one now and drove 1/2 hour to the store and bought one after 5 minutes of decision. Impulsive, yes...though not bad enough for me to worry too much about my impulsive spending.
It is my hope that, now that I am learning distress tolerance and emotional regulation through DBT therapy, that I will learn to turn to these new skills rather than to eat, drink, or spend to make myself feel better.
full list of BPD criteria here
Criterion #4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
This criterion/symptom to me was easy to confuse with bi-polar disorder. In fact, when I first contacted the mental health center for an assessment, I told them I thought I might be bi-polar, even though in the back of my mind I knew it was in fact probably BPD. I felt validated the first day I visited my therapist and she said that's what it was.
Anyway, this is short and sweet: my impulsive areas are binge eating, substance abuse, and occasionally, spending.
Binge eating has been a problem for me because I am an emotional eater. When my feelings take control and I can't feel better, I eat to numb the pain, and the more food I can enjoy the better I feel. My favorite food to soothe myself with is fast food. I think it is because I don't have to do any work to prepare it and driving in my car while listening to music to go get it is also soothing to me. I think the biggest emotional meal I ever ate was a super size double cheeseburger meal with two apple pies from McDonald's. In my memory, I think I may have continued to eat food from the refrigerator after finishing this meal. Needless to say, in the past five years or so (coincidentally the same amount of time I can recognized symptoms of BPD) I have gained a significant amount of weight from binge eating.
One of my new year's resolutions this year (before I knew about the BPD) was to try to control my emotional eating. I have had some success with it. I have often tried to replace eating with other activities such as exercising or reading. However, I am not totally in the clear. I still binge eat occasionally when things are really bad, and its harder to avoid when I actually am hungry. But by admitting it is a problem and watching out for it, I have cut down on the times I binge and have even lost 17 pounds this year - another new year's resolution met!
Another area of impusivity is substance abuse. When I tell my therapist and others that is not really a problem or addition I feel they think I'm a typical user denying the problem, but I'm telling the truth. I'm not addicted and I don't have a problem with drugs or alcohol. In fact, as of today, its been over a month since I've even had a drop to drink. The only time I've ever used anything is in those really really bad episodes where I just can't deal with the pain. In those times, it seems that the only option is to either self-medicate or to self-injure. I chose the former since it seems (for me since I don't have an addiction) to be the safest. And in those moments the usage is pretty tame: I have a few drinks until I'm just tipsy enough to fall asleep without thinking of my pain or my problems, or I take one leftover prescription painkiller to knock me out. Though its never gotten to the point of me being an alcoholic or taking anything illegal, I know the impuslivity of it is the problem, the link to BPD.
Occasionally I do go on a spending spree, but this is very rare for me. The most recent example was this summer, when I all of a sudden took the notion that I had to have a new MP3 player. I had thought about getting a new one for a while, and planned to do some research on which would be the best choice for me and my budget. But one day, when I had first started to fall into an episode, I suddenly decided I needed one now and drove 1/2 hour to the store and bought one after 5 minutes of decision. Impulsive, yes...though not bad enough for me to worry too much about my impulsive spending.
It is my hope that, now that I am learning distress tolerance and emotional regulation through DBT therapy, that I will learn to turn to these new skills rather than to eat, drink, or spend to make myself feel better.
full list of BPD criteria here
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Some Thoughts from My Little Notebook
I keep a small notebook in my purse right now - so that it will always be with me - with lists of things I have been learning about dealing with stress, tolerating crises, and coping. Most of these come from The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook, with some being slightly modified by me. Since I've been both busy and under the weather this week and haven't blogged or written much, they'll make for an easy share today:
FAVORITE COPING THOUGHTS
FAVORITE COPING THOUGHTS
- My feelings make me uncomfortable right now, but I can accept them
- I've survived other situations like this before, and I'll survive this one too.
- I can take all the time I need right now to let go and relax
- My thoughts don't control my life, I do. I can think different thoughts if I want to.
- My anxiety/fear/sadness/anger won't kill me, it just doesn't feel very good right now
- There are just my feelings and eventually they'll go away.
- I can only control myself and my feelings.
- I can't control how others act, but I can control how I react to others
- I'm a sensitive person who experiences the world differently and who has rich emotional experiences (I love that one - its so true for me)
- I'm good, and nobody's perfect
- Even though bad things have happened and I've made mistakes, I am still a good person
- There's a purpose to my life, even though I might not always see it.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Emergency Coping Plan
Just coming out of some sort of anxiety attack (I don't think it is an anxiety attack in the strict sense of the word, but I know no other term for these intense onsets of anger and sadness that come with BPD so I'll just go with that). Since I just finished writing my emergency coping plans from the Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Skills Workbook, I'll post it here and elaborate a bit:
MY EMERGENCY COPING PLAN FOR DEALING WITH SITUATIONS WHEN I'M UPSET AND ALONE
1. First, I'll distract myself by counting, reading quotes, or using self-injury replacement
2. Next, I'll relax with a bath or comfy clothes, listening to soothing music or a relaxation technique
3. Then, I'll tell myself coping thoughts and/or pray about my feelings/situation
4. Finally, I'll radically accept my situation, write out my feelings it I need to or plan to share them in therapy.
Today was the first day I've had to use the plan, and although I deviated from it a bit I think it is a good thing. Not sure what brought me to this point - yesterday was a good day, a day when .something happened that made me feel validated in how I handed a recent problem in my life. But today, I woke up with a migraine. I had to take two excederin to ward it off, and that coupled with the soda I drank put too much caffeine into my system which in turn made me anxious and jittery. I'm worried about the future and my career path. I'm remembering and angry - very angry - about the situation that I felt validated about yesterday, and tonight I am forcing myself to go out into a social situation I really don't want to do, but feel would be good for my well-being. So it all culminated in a huge rush of anger, irritability, and anxiety just a few moments ago.
So I got out my book and followed the plan:
1. I squeezed an ice cube and snapped a rubber band on my wrist as a replacement for self-injury (my anger and sadness make me immediately crave my personal choice of SI, burning). I walked around the house counting backward from 100 by 7s (I personally think this is very effective as it is not only distracting and time-consuming as I have the numerical form of dyslexia - but I theorize it activates the logical side of your brain, which I don't seem to use enough and goes out the window altogether when I'm upset). By the time I got to into the -30s I was lying on my bed, breathing slowly again and feeling somewhat calmed down.
2. I didn't have time to take a bath as I'm getting ready for my outing, but I did lay there for a bit in my favorite sweatshirt, which is very comforting to me. I did a few deep breathes, and something I didn't add to my plan but read in the book - thought about a person I love (my nephew).
3. I flipped back in the book to my chart on coping thoughts to use in different situations. For getting mad about this particular situation (a betrayal by a friend), I had written down the following:
MY EMERGENCY COPING PLAN FOR DEALING WITH SITUATIONS WHEN I'M UPSET AND ALONE
1. First, I'll distract myself by counting, reading quotes, or using self-injury replacement
2. Next, I'll relax with a bath or comfy clothes, listening to soothing music or a relaxation technique
3. Then, I'll tell myself coping thoughts and/or pray about my feelings/situation
4. Finally, I'll radically accept my situation, write out my feelings it I need to or plan to share them in therapy.
Today was the first day I've had to use the plan, and although I deviated from it a bit I think it is a good thing. Not sure what brought me to this point - yesterday was a good day, a day when .something happened that made me feel validated in how I handed a recent problem in my life. But today, I woke up with a migraine. I had to take two excederin to ward it off, and that coupled with the soda I drank put too much caffeine into my system which in turn made me anxious and jittery. I'm worried about the future and my career path. I'm remembering and angry - very angry - about the situation that I felt validated about yesterday, and tonight I am forcing myself to go out into a social situation I really don't want to do, but feel would be good for my well-being. So it all culminated in a huge rush of anger, irritability, and anxiety just a few moments ago.
So I got out my book and followed the plan:
1. I squeezed an ice cube and snapped a rubber band on my wrist as a replacement for self-injury (my anger and sadness make me immediately crave my personal choice of SI, burning). I walked around the house counting backward from 100 by 7s (I personally think this is very effective as it is not only distracting and time-consuming as I have the numerical form of dyslexia - but I theorize it activates the logical side of your brain, which I don't seem to use enough and goes out the window altogether when I'm upset). By the time I got to into the -30s I was lying on my bed, breathing slowly again and feeling somewhat calmed down.
2. I didn't have time to take a bath as I'm getting ready for my outing, but I did lay there for a bit in my favorite sweatshirt, which is very comforting to me. I did a few deep breathes, and something I didn't add to my plan but read in the book - thought about a person I love (my nephew).
3. I flipped back in the book to my chart on coping thoughts to use in different situations. For getting mad about this particular situation (a betrayal by a friend), I had written down the following:
- I can take all the time I need to let go and relax. I may not be able to control others, but I can control myself.
- It's ok to hurt sometimes, and my hurt will not kill me.
- These are just my feelings and eventually they'll go away.
I kept repeating that last one over and over, just under my breath, since I know the feelings of hurt and betrayal and anger do go away, because I have recently been able to experience days when I have let them go and don't feel the pain (that doesn't happen often enough yet, but I have come a long way from feeling hurt 24/7 like I used to, and I know I'll keep getting better).
4. Finally, I'll radically accept my situation, write out my feelings if I need to or plan to share them in therapy. Radical Acceptance is hard concept for me - I've only just learned it, don't fully understand it and don't know if I can actually manage to do it. But I try. I look at the situation I've been through, when someone I cared for lied, hurt me, and betrayed my trust. I accept the decisions that this other person made were their choices, not mine, and I can't control that fact that they valued me and our friendship so little that they made those choices. I accept my part in the rocky relationship as well, the way I lashed out at this person, fought with them, and let the hurt me further by my not knowing and using coping skills when they hurt me. I'm trying - though it is difficult - to just accept both of our actions without judging them, and reminding myself that I can change how I react to such situations in the future.
So here I am on the final step - writing out my feelings. In a way, too, I am sharing them, though not formally with my therapist or support group. But I'm sending them off into cyberspace this afternoon, and perhaps someone will read them and they'll make an impact.
- It's ok to hurt sometimes, and my hurt will not kill me.
- These are just my feelings and eventually they'll go away.
I kept repeating that last one over and over, just under my breath, since I know the feelings of hurt and betrayal and anger do go away, because I have recently been able to experience days when I have let them go and don't feel the pain (that doesn't happen often enough yet, but I have come a long way from feeling hurt 24/7 like I used to, and I know I'll keep getting better).
4. Finally, I'll radically accept my situation, write out my feelings if I need to or plan to share them in therapy. Radical Acceptance is hard concept for me - I've only just learned it, don't fully understand it and don't know if I can actually manage to do it. But I try. I look at the situation I've been through, when someone I cared for lied, hurt me, and betrayed my trust. I accept the decisions that this other person made were their choices, not mine, and I can't control that fact that they valued me and our friendship so little that they made those choices. I accept my part in the rocky relationship as well, the way I lashed out at this person, fought with them, and let the hurt me further by my not knowing and using coping skills when they hurt me. I'm trying - though it is difficult - to just accept both of our actions without judging them, and reminding myself that I can change how I react to such situations in the future.
So here I am on the final step - writing out my feelings. In a way, too, I am sharing them, though not formally with my therapist or support group. But I'm sending them off into cyberspace this afternoon, and perhaps someone will read them and they'll make an impact.
Friday, September 25, 2009
The Difference a Day Makes
Yesterday, I had a good day. It was a cool, sunny autumn day. I went off to work. I visited the library. I ate an ice cream, chatted with some friends, did some shopping, and watched my favorite TV show. I forgave and forgot the boy who most recently broke my heart. I controlled my emotions and was content. In all, a good day.
But less than 24 hours later all if opposite. It's rainy and gloomy. I woke up angry and feel forlorn and abandoned. I stayed home. I haven't eaten, gotten out of my pajamas, and don't want to go into work. I hate that boy today - feel the sun is shining on him but hiding from me. Today is different. But...today I have a blog.
What a difference a day makes. And in the life of a borderline, just small moments can make all the difference in the world. For me, that is one of the hardest parts of this life to cope with. And since we are sensitive people who see the world differently than everyone else, the littlest things happening in a moment, a day, can change our world.
I have just completed the first few chapters in The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Workbook, so I now have a wealth of new coping mechanisms to use in those situations when the hurt and anger come on so strong that they burn through my nerves, make me lie there and shake from the emotional pain. So far today, I have not hit that point: I dangle above it, but I haven't quite fallen that far. Yet yesterday I and other could have thought perhaps I'd stepped out of the current shadow I've been under. But today I'm in it again. What a difference a day can make.
But less than 24 hours later all if opposite. It's rainy and gloomy. I woke up angry and feel forlorn and abandoned. I stayed home. I haven't eaten, gotten out of my pajamas, and don't want to go into work. I hate that boy today - feel the sun is shining on him but hiding from me. Today is different. But...today I have a blog.
What a difference a day makes. And in the life of a borderline, just small moments can make all the difference in the world. For me, that is one of the hardest parts of this life to cope with. And since we are sensitive people who see the world differently than everyone else, the littlest things happening in a moment, a day, can change our world.
I have just completed the first few chapters in The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Workbook, so I now have a wealth of new coping mechanisms to use in those situations when the hurt and anger come on so strong that they burn through my nerves, make me lie there and shake from the emotional pain. So far today, I have not hit that point: I dangle above it, but I haven't quite fallen that far. Yet yesterday I and other could have thought perhaps I'd stepped out of the current shadow I've been under. But today I'm in it again. What a difference a day can make.
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