Blood Boiling

I never really thought about the phrase "blood boiling" before, until yesterday. Someone said something so offensive and insulting to me that those two words popped into my mind. It was exactly what I was feeling...its how I feel when my anger gets out of control.

I had a choice in that instant - to make a scene or just shrug it off and walk away. I went with the latter, which I think was a good choice. Later, when I tried to rationalize my decision, and why I couldn't say something more to stand up for myself (though a dear friend did stand up for me), I simply accepted the fact that some people are completely ignorant and live in a little cocoon with no desire to learn or understand the world of the people around them. I think that's the closest I've come to radical acceptance so far (though its not truly radical acceptance because that is a judgment, and to radically accept something you just have to view it in neutral terms. But that got me through it.

Though this morning, my blood was boiling again, and this stupid little remark almost ruined my whole day.

But...I don't want to let it....

The Face of BPD - Part 8 of 9

Part 8 of my nine part series of what the diagnostic criteria (symptoms) of BPD look like in my own life.

(I am ready to finish up this series and write more about my day to day life!!!) :-)


Criteria 8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

If you look at me or have just gotten to know me, you would never peg me as someone with an anger issue. My outward personality tends to be happy-go-lucky and I am a bit on the shy and quiet side. I love working with children, Victorian decorating, and playing in the snow. I seem to be the polar opposite of what an angry person would be like.

But the right combination of factors can set me off. When you put together situations that I am especially sensitive to (like cheating in relationships or lying to a friend), a recent line of stressors, and physical difficulties (being tired or having PMS), the mixture can be brutal.

These are the times when I don't have anger issues, anger issues have me. I'm completely controlled by my emotions, and even hurt, betrayal, sadness or loss can manifest itself as my default emotion, anger. In fact, my anger is so prevalent that I can wake up in the morning and with no outside reminder or trigger, remember something that happened months or years ago that made me angry, and I'll be seething all day long.

My anger is exactly who the DSM describe it for borderlines. The intensity can be unreal - at times its feels like my entire body is being electrocuted and I can't stop shaking. My mind thinks of nothing but how angry I am, and what I need to do to stop this terrible feeling. But all too often, the anger really is inappropriate. The wrong that's been done to me might not even be real, it may just be something I've assumed someone had done. Or it might be a small mistake or issue that my mind has blown completely out of proportion. The amount of anger I had is disproportionately larger than whatever has happened. But at these times, I lose it, and as I result I lash out - either at myself or another person, if they are involved. Either way, the end result is the same: me and possibly someone else get hurt. I either have an argument with someone (in which I say the most uncharacteristic things) which hurts my relationship with the person and might even hurt the person themselves. Either that, or I end up withdrawing from others and doing something that will hurt myself (such as self-injury).

Its been about 4 months since I've had a big, blown-out anger attack, yet I've had so many throughout my life, and they've shaped who I am today. As I work my way through DBT and learn how to regulate my emotions and tolerate stress, I know that the little skills that are helping me to deal with little moments of stress, irritation, or sadness will be ingrained in me when another big issue strikes me again. But the next time, for the first time, I will be ready.

full list of BPD criteria here

Working Girl

Working is hard when you are in the middle of a depressive episode. Luckily, I had vacation time scheduled right as my latest one started, so the days when I couldn't get out of bed didn't interfere with my life. And I am blessed now to be at a very flexible on-call job where I don't have to work everyday and can turn down a day's work if I need to. But that flexibility makes it harder...its hard enough to get up out of bed on these cold fall mornings and get myself going under normal circumstances, but when I wake up feeling tired or depressed or angry it takes everything in me to get up and get to work.

We are not safe from our emotions anywhere - and work is no exception. For me, anger strikes in the most unusual of places and kicks me when I'm down (I, who's default emotion is anger in most every situation, and who rarely expresses it but buries it inside, making for more hurt and even bigger blow-ups when the explosions come). So today, my anger crept up on me at work, in a short 10-minutes of downtime. Its like a sports car - 0 to 60 in a matter of seconds. One moment I am find, the next filled with anger and hurt...and today I felt hurt knowing that the person who hurt me most recently is out there, going on with their life as if they didn't break me into a million pieces...and on the way to breaking someone else again, perhaps at that very moment I was sitting at work, in my chair, just trying to get through the day.

So today I was thankful for the notebook I've been keeping - the one I've filled with coping thoughts and self-affirming statements, and quotes from my favorite TV shows and music. I just read them over and over and over until the short break I had passed, and even wrote down a new quote I had heard a few days ago in a song. And I was swept back into the world of busy-ness again...