Tired or Sad?

I cried twice this past weekend. The first time in the shower, I was thinking how much I love everyone in my life and started bawling. Then that night I watched a documentary on 9/11 and of course cried then as well (will every reference to 9/11 make my heart break again and again for the rest of my life?)

I'm not PMSing, but I was pretty tired, so maybe that was just it.

Yet I'm thinking I'm starting to feel the effects of my withdrawl off prozac. Its the second week, and I'm at 80% of my original dosage. I'm already tired off the bitter taste of the pills in orange juice, but glass I have to have less of it every day (I'm using a small medicine syringe to take the liquid). I'll be glad when its over, that is, if I manage to get that far.

The good news? I accepted that my feelings were temporary! I can probably count on one hand the times I've done that in my life. It was a small victory.

"Feels Like the End of the World, This Sunday Night"

I'm in a bad mood today. There is no reason. Yesterday I had a great day: I slept in but not too late, worked out, got a lot of paperwork done that I needed to do, did a little light cleaning, and then got myself taco bell for dinner and watched movies all night, then SNL, and I drifted off to sleep very pleased with myself.

But today I just feel empty. Its not for lack of trying. I got up straight away this morning, worked out (I've vowed to be better at doing that) and tried to get myself out and into the day. I did some more cleaning, started packing for the holidays, tried playing my guitar. When all that failed I fell back on my old habit of going for long drives and listening to some soulful music - John Mayer, Jewel, Paul Alan. I thought about calling some friends to chat but just didn't have the motivationI ate two cookies, tried to find a movie to watch on TV. But I still feel....dead.

I hope its just that end-of-the-weekend dreading going back to work (and dreading the stress of the holiday travel ahead of me) blues, and not something more.


QUIET - JOHN MAYER
midnight
lock all the doors
and turn out the lights
feels like the end of the world
this Sunday night

there's not a sound
outside the snow's coming down
and somehow I can't seem to find
the quiet inside my mind

3:02
the space in this room
has turned on me
and all my fears have cornered me here
me and my TV screen

the volume's down
blue lights are dancing around
and still, I can't seem to find
the quiet inside my mind

daylight is climbing the walls
cars start and feet walk the halls
the world awakes and now I am safe
at least by the light of day,
at least by the light of day...

Home Sick

I've been sick for over a month now, and I'm getting so irritated about it that I just need to write a post about it!!

It started 6 weeks ago when I came down with the flu (possibly H1N1). As soon as I knew I had the flu and not just a cold, I called my doctor to get on Tamiflu, since I am asthmatic. My flu symptoms cleared up in a few days, but my shortness of breath and tight chest did not, so I went to urgent are, where the doctor said my asthma was aggravated and put me on prednisone, which helped a bit with the first dose, but soon as I started weaning off of it the symptoms came back. It made me feel really depressed at first too.

After the course of prednisone I was still having the same trouble, so I went to my own doctor, who said you can have asthma symptoms for 4-6 weeks after the flu. Just in case I did have a respiratory infetion, he gave me an antibiotic too. Over the next week or so I started breathing a little better, but still not 100%.

After the course of antibiotics, I was STILL having wheezing and shortness of breath, but had also develop a sore throat and was having some slight hoarseness. Since it was over the Thanksgiving break, I went into urgent care where THIRD doctor told me it was probably just my asthma, and gave me another round of prednisone, this time a higher dose.

Just this past week, I called my doctor to ask for Advair, which has helped a lot with my asthma in the past. I am taking that, but my sore throat had gotten worse and I am losing my voice.

I honestly do not know WHAT is going on with my body right now. I'm not convinced that this is just my asthma - I have moderate asthma - mostly just slight wheezing and prone to respiratory infections. I have NEVER had a problem this bad in the 15 years since I've been diagnosed with asthma!

Between this and the chronic daily headaches I developed several months ago, I am so tired of feeling so sick all the time.

The WORST part of it for me, is that I end up staying home so much of the time, and after six weeks of it I'm starting to get depressed. I try to work when I can. On the upside, being a substitute teacher, I can more or less set my own hours. On the downside, being a subsistute teacher requires a strong voice and quite a bit of energy, neither of which I have right now. So I'm missing out on a lot of work. And sitting at home by myself makes me feel depressed. And knowing that I am missing out on the chance to make money makes me feel more depressed.

I don't know what to do? Go back to my doctor? Go to the E.R.? I need this to end before I start sinking down any further!!

The Face of BPD - Part 7 of 9

Part 7 of my nine part series of what the diagnostic criteria (symptoms) of BPD look like in my own life.

(got very frustrated the last time I wrote this...my computer locked up and lost the entire entry and I started to struggle with overwhelming anger...but I calmed myself, got through it, and now will try again...)

Criteria 7. chronic feelings of emptiness

Probably the most self-explanatory of all of my symptoms, but, luckily, one that doesn't bother me all that much.

However, I do struggle with it. SO many times in my life, especially when things are bad or I'm going through a depressive episode, I wonder: what's the point? Why bother loving someone if you are just going to lose them, if they are just going to hurt or leave you? Why bother chasing dreams if you just feel unfulfilled all the time anyway (and so often I feel unfulfilled)? Why bother living when it doesn't feel worth it.

Because I can be so up and down, the emptiness creeps in mostly during the down times, but it can spill into the good times too. I try so hard to fight it when it comes around, remembering what the good times were like - those times when life was worth it. But its hard. Sometimes the memories of a worthwhile life just don't feel like they are enough to sustain me. Sometimes all I can do is accept that I feel lost and empty inside, and hope and pray that someday it will pass (so far, it always has). But then again, I have never thought that happiness is something that should be forced on those who struggle with depression. Sometimes, its enough just to press on...then to press on again....until the sun shines and happiness finds us again.

The Face of BPD - Part 6 of 9

Part 6 of my nine part series of what the diagnostic criteria (symptoms) of BPD look like in my own life.

Criteria 6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

This one is pretty self-explanatory, but to put it in simpler terms, I would basically call it intense bad emotional states that come on suddenly (often with little or no outside provocation) and go away just as quickly.

My periods of depression were just as described in this definition: I'd be doing great and all of a sudden slip deeply into terribly intense sadness. Sometimes there was a clearly obvious trigger: one time, when learning of the wedding of a guy I used to date, I went very suddenly into a spell of depression that lasted an entire summer. In that episode, I became despondent, detached, lost interest in things I loved, and had such as hard time functioning that I ignored several important life decisions that made a serious impact on my future. Often times, however, there were no obvious causes. Perhaps a series of tiny setbacks sparked my fall, but I will never know for sure.

The really bad depression came in episodes that lasted for several months, but an equally detrimental and just as common, symptom of my BPD was the intense rushes of depression on anxiety that came on suddenly, lasted a few hours, then went away. I could wake up feeling on top of the world and in love with life, then one small – even unimportant – setback could spark me into feeling so depressed I felt suicidal.

“Reactivity of mood” is one of the aspects I am learning to deal with, and having some small successes. In working with my therapist as well as my DBT workbook, I am learning how to be more mindful and aware of what I am thinking. I’ve found that, as a daydreamer, my mind often wanders onto thoughts that make me feel bad – such something a person said or did that hurt me, or frustrating situations in my career life. When I think about those things, I have an emotional reaction. An my emotions, like that of most borderlines, can race out of control in a matter of seconds.

I shared an example of this with my therapist today, recounting a situation in which I was thinking about having to cancel plans with a friend and ended up feeling angry and frustrated with her because I felt that she didn’t understand or care about me. But one of the beauties of DBT is learning two key skills: distress tolerance and emotional regulation. I’m not there yet, but knowing some of these skills helped keep me from lashing out at my friend or feeling much worse than I did.

So, like many with BPD, I have found hope. I know that recovery is possible. I am the proof.

full list of BPD criteria here

Something Fishy

My therapist seems especially impressed with the fact that I am so determined to overcome - or at least manage - my BPD, as though I just discovered it and decided to treat it. I've only seen her three times so far - the relationship is just beginning and I'm still learning to trust - and I haven't told her that I have suspected I've had BPD for three years now, and that looking back I believe that the onset of the disorder goes back at least several year before that. So finally, after half a decade with the symptoms, several years of thinking I may be a borderline, and several courses of therapy designed to treat just the depression aspect of my condition, I am ready to dive right in and get this taken care of. I am tired of the major depressive episodes that strike me at least once a year, of the daily roller coaster of emotion, of the sudden jolts of overwhelming anxiety or anger that interfere with my career and my relationships, of the impulses that lead me to make unhealthy choices.

So I've had a positive impulse - after reading that Omega-3 Fatty Acids may be beneficial to treating the aggression and depression aspects of BPD (both of which I've majorly struggled with in my most recent episode), I rushed out that night to buy a bottle of fish oil capsules. I'm not huge on alternative medicine but I also don't doubt its benefits, and if there is any chance it might help me I will at least try it. In addition, can help lower high blood pressure which I also have, so hopefully I can kill two birds with one stone...or with the six four smelling capsules I now take everyday!