"Who Says I Can't Be Free?"

While doing some research and reading on BPD the other day, I came across this google health article that got me thinking about recovery. As I read the article, hoping to learn more about BPD and use and share that knowledge, I was disenchanted that the only information on this page on the prognosis of the disorder was "Borderline personality disorder has a poor outlook because people often do not comply with treatment."

Call me an optimist (with BPD?!?! Yes, its possible) but I just don't think "poor outlook" is the way to define the condition of me or any of my new-found friends with BPD. I believe there is hope, that we can have faith for brighter futures.

Yes, I am sure that many borderlines don't always follow their treatment plan, but treatment isn't black-and-white. It's not like developing an infection, where you go to the doctor, get some tests, and takes some pills and get better. Treatment takes a long time, its a long hard road. And by the very nature of mental illness, you stop caring very much for yourself and your health, and you do things that are unhealthy for you....its just as easy to skip out on therapy as it is to self injure or withdraw from your loved ones. If you have a physical illness and stop taking your medication, you feel worse and you know you have to take your meds to feel better. But when you have a mental illness, and you're not following treatment, you just don't care - you don't matter, you're health doesn't matter, and you believe the lie that mental illness feeds you that nothing will help you ever feel better. So I'm not surprised that many people with BPD, like with many other mental illnesses, don't always stick with treatment.

But it doesn't make us hopeless, and I know my case is a reason to have faith. I believe I've had BPD for at least 5 years now - I've been in states where I stay in bed for months, I've had periods where I've used food or medication or self-injury to numb my pain. I hit rock bottom six months ago and decided once and for all I wanted to get rid of this. And in those six months of treatment (individual and group therapy along with a DBT workbook) I have already made great strides.

One of the first things my therapist told me is that BPD is a condition that people can learn to treat and live with, and that for some people eventually recover from it completely!!! And I know she was right, because I'm doing better and there is so much research out there showing that recovery is possible:

One of the biggest myths have to do with whether BPD is something that people can recover from. One of these myths is that BPD is incurable. In fact, until several years ago, people thought that once you had BPD, you were stuck with it for life. However, we now know that this is not true, and that BPD actually has a very good prognosis. In fact, recent research suggests that people are more likely to recover from BPD than from bipolar disorder. The second myth related to this idea that BPD is incurable is the idea that BPD is untreatable, and that treatments don’t work for people with this disorder. Just like with the other myth, this is definitely not true. In fact, we now know that people with BPD can make incredible progress in short periods of time when treated with therapies developed specifically for BPD.
-Dr. Alexander L. Chapman (full interview here)

I've been addicted to a new favorite song, "Who Says" by John Mayer, simply because of the following lines, a great reminder for me that no matter what people say, there is hope for me:

Who says I can't be free
From all the things that I used to be?
Rewrite my history,
Who says I can't be free???

The Illusion of Fine

Right now, in this little moment, I am fine. I am stable. No anxiety, no panics, no distress. I'm confident in my future - my ability to find a good job, to find some purpose in my life, to move on and become who I want to be. And its nice being fine - it gives me a heady feeling of comfort. But I know all to well that fineness can be an illusion.

For someone with BPD, emotions change quickly, often for no reason. The smallest occurrence, remark, or setback and send one quite literally into the depths of dis pair. I know, and recognize, this part of my condition. So although I'm enjoying the fineness, I know of its transience and am planning how to react when it is gone.

Just six months ago, I was fine. In fact, I was more than fine, I was on top of the world. I was beyond happy, confident, working hard and planning. I was confident in the future, looking forward to what life had for me, and had no idea what hell laid ahead. I was happy, yet it took only a few weeks, a few small situations and a few inconsequential people, to topple me. And once I fell, it took me months to get back up.

So now, today, I'm fine. But I know it will not last. So I continue to learn about the skills I will need when I fall again, when I am not fine. I'm practicing distress tolerance now, in little situations that ignite my emotions, like having a mistaken credit card charge. That way, when the big things come, when someone betrays me or breaks my heart again, or I lose something I worked so hard for, I will be ready. Ready to take those three steps to dealing with stress: Distract, Relax and Cope.

I'm glad to be fine, and I don't always think its an illusion in and of itself. But we set ourselves up for failure if we become so lulled by our fineness that we think out problems are over, that we've completely and forever healed, and that we'll never have another episode again. That's when we buy into the illusion that fineness sets up for us, and we let down our guard and fall.

Right now I'm fine, but next time I fall, I think I'll be ready.