A Sense of Hope

Was very heartened to get a comment on my last post from a reader who found my sense of hope "inspiring" and like to see my proactive approach to my condition. (thanks Stacy!) I worry sometimes - especially lately when I have been doing so well and am the closest to recovery that I've ever been - that people will find this blog to be saccharine and superficial. So it is good to hear that people in the world are finding some support and help in it.

When I started writing here in the fall of '09, I had just started my journey to recovery. I had just been diagnosed with BPD, although I has suspected it for a while and had displayed the symptoms for about 5 years. I'd been through so much before then, so much that I never shared anywhere, not even in my personal journals. The only record of those 5 hard years lies in my memory and a few small scars that never fully healed.

But when I started this blog, I was in a dark place again - I had limited functioning in the real world and barely left the house, let alone my bed. At my best times I was numbing my feelings with daily fast food binges and escaping reality with continually watching Grey's Anatomy DVDS; on my worst days I would take extra sleeping pills and a few shots of Vodka to lull myself into painless sleep.

I wanted to die, but knew I couldn't let that happen. The mental image of my family and friends at my funeral was frightening. So my only other option, if I wanted to survive (be it only to protect my loved ones from the pain of my death), was to fight.

So I did - I took that proactive approach; even though it seemed hopeless I did it anyway. I got evaluated and diagnosed. I started seeing my counselor regularly. Even though I had little faith that it would help, going to therapy and group sessions at the mental health center were comforting, they soothed me almost as much as eating or drinking. There were setback, such as the fact that the DBT group in my area was on hiatus. So I bought a DBT workbook and did DBT on my own with guidance from my therapist and discussions with others in group therapy. Often I had to push myself to do things I just didn't feel like doing, like simply leaving my room to go out into the real world. Going to therapy and group was taxing on days when I was simply exhausted, so I had to push myself. And each time I did, it got a little easier. My therapist always seemed so impressed with my ability to work so hard to recover. But she hadn't seen the years I'd spent not recovering. And besides, I didn't have a choice. It was fight or die.

Which brings me to today. I'm not recovered, but I'm better than I've been in years. I'm thinking clearly, making decisions, I'm less emotional and more level headed. I've learned how to deal with some of the major problems that have tripped me up and ruined my life in the past five years. More than that, I have actually written plans on how to deal with them - specific steps and strategies to followed when I feel lonely or scared or someone hurt me.

So overall I welcome the sense of hope that I have now. It's been hard-earned and long awaited. And for years I didn't think it was possible to feel this way. But I know now that was one of the lies that BPD tells you. I know now that there is hope.

Feeling the Horrible

Six months ago, I was at rock bottom. I had gone through the tumultuous breakdown of a friendship with someone I cared very much about based on actions they had taken, and was left feeling betrayed and heartbroken. I was so far gone that I barely felt like living. And even though in hindsight I can tell that the situation was in no way the end of the world, my world was at its end at the time.

(Can you recognize the BPD traits of chaotic relationships, emptiness and emotional overreaction in that?)

My friends all tried to make me feel better: one just told me to forget this person, another tried to keep me constantly busy to get my mind off of it. But one friend (one who is now helping me see how to evaluate how I hold up others in my eyes) gave me some of the greatest advice I've ever gotten. She told me "Don't be surprised by the pain....let yourself feel it, and experience it... and only after you have can you truly let yourself heal."

So last night, when I was once again watching reruns of Grey's Anatomy, the following conversation between Meredith and her therapist brought back those words:

Meredith: It makes absolutely no sense to try to be happy in a world that's such a horrible place.

Dr. Wyatt: Yes.

Meredith: What?

Dr. Wyatt:Yes, horrible things do happen. Happiness in the face of all of that... that's not the goal. Feeling the horrible and knowing that you're not gonna die from those feelings, that's goal. And you're not done. You've made progress because you're feeling and you're telling me about it. Six months ago, it would've been just you and a bottle of tequila. My door is always open.

Now that I think about it, it also reminds me of a phrase that I've picked as one of my "coping thoughts" to repeat to myself when I'm really having a breakdown.

My feelings may make me uncomfortable right now, but they are not going to kill me.

Another one of my thoughts: I'm a sensitive person who experiences the world differently and has unique emotional experiences.

I have thoughts like these written in a tiny notebook that I keep with me at all times, along with ways to relax, defect self-destructive behavior, and make good decisions when I'm overwhelmed. Its been a big help to me.

As a person with BPD, I've always been emotional, and a lot of times these emotions have run my life. They've made me who I am, stunted my growth and made me miss out on a lot in life. But I am learning. I am learning how to feel the horrible, know I can survive, and helping myself heal. That's the goal.

"You're Not a Bad Guy"

Another TV quote today, this time from a rerun of Grey's Anatomy. It is amazing how much BPD wisdom I find in that show!! (well, among other shows I love to watch!) What a great reminder to us that the world is NOT black and white, that our loved ones are not the "bad guys" every time they make a mistake, and most importantly, that we're not "bad guys" when we screw up either!!!

(quote context: George O'Malley is talking to Dr. Bailey after it is found out he cheated on his wife, Callie, with Izzy)

Bailey: O'Malley...look, you're not a bad guy. And I don't mean to let you off the hook entirely, because what you did was unkind and hurtful and wrong. But you're not a bad guy. I'm...I'm just saying, it...it takes two. To reach the point you reached in your marriage, it takes two. I mean...I mean, I'm here late at night, Halloween, helping an earless boy get ears, and my husband wants to act like that isn't an important thing. He wants to act like...it isn't a good thing that I did today. Now that isn't just on me. That's him wanting things to be the way he wants. That's him wanting things to be purely black-and-white. I mean, I missed my son's first Halloween, and my heart is aching inside of my chest, but, you know, that doesn't mean anything. It...it doesn't count because in a black-and-white world, I simply didn't make it home, and that makes me the bad guy. You know, always. I'm always the bad guy. You hear what I'm saying?

George: Sorry you missed your son's first Halloween.

Bailey: Look, what I'm saying to you is...okay, I was there. All right? I was there the day your father died. I was there when you came back from Vegas, married after a week and...all I'm saying is...it's not black-and-white...and you're not a bad guy.

We Can Mend

I love Grey's Anatomy. Not for the drama, or even for the medicine (although I am a science buff), but for the simple fact that it makes me feel not so alone. Meredith, Izzy, Cristina...they all as neurotic as I am. And watching them gives me company in my chaos and strength to face my own problems.

I recently went through a tumultuous relationship and I had to spend several months in the process of mending. It seemed impossible. I fell worse than Meredith, and I never thought I would feel better again. But as time goes by and I learn how to cope, the pain has lessened. So as I was watching an old episode tonight I saw Bailey say to Derek, after he left Meredith:

"No she's not [ok]. She’s a human traffic accident and everybody is slowing down to look at the wreckage. She’s doing the best she can with what she has left. Look, I know you can’t see this because you’re in it but you can’t help her now. It’ll only make it worse. Walk away. Leave her to mend."

That was me, the human traffic accident. I didn't even know I was mending - at the time I was trying to survive. Getting out of bed just to get something to eat and crawl back into the darkness. Surviving. Knowing those around me knew I was stranded in my loneliness, just feeling the hurt and letting it be real to me. Letting the situation soak in, and learning how to cope so I could deal with it.

I hurt so much after I lost this person, and wanted nothing more than for them to come back into my life, apologize, accept my apology, and make me feel better. That was the fantasy. But the reality was different. We both said and did things that did irreparable damage, and though I would give anything to fix it, the other party did not feel the same way. That was the reality. And by being left, as hard as it was and as long as it took, I could mend. And even though I couldn't "see it" because I was "in it," mending was possible.

In another episode Meredith told Derek:

"I'm all glued back together now. I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke."

She was talking about the relationships she had that helped her get over McDreamy...I, on the other hand, had to make tough decisions to get myself back up. People knew about my struggle but were helpless to lend me a hand. And I even had to heartbreakingly stand up for what I believed in, all alone, when it was the hardest thing in the world and would make me lose all I thought I had. But in time, I got glued back together. I did what I had to do to survive, then fix. That's reality - that's radical acceptance in a nutshell. I make no apologies. Meredith got glued back together. I can to. Mending is possible. We can mend.