Part 5 of my nine part series of what the diagnostic criteria (symptoms) of BPD look like in my own life.
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING POST MAY BE TRIGGERING TO PEOPLE WHO SELF INJURE. PLEASE DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU ARE IN A SAFE PLACE AND HAVE A METHOD TO COPE WITH S.I. URGES (SEE THE LINKS ON THE RIGHT FOR MORE INFORMATION)
Criterion #5: recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
I often question whether I am or have ever been suicidal because I have never made an actual suicide attempt. But I have felt that I wanted to cease living. When I was twelve I told someone I would kill myself, but I wasn't actually planning any way to do it. I've had the urge to crash my car into a tree while driving as well the strong desire to cut my wrists and watch them bleed, but I have never even started doing either of those things. I've checked myself into the emergency room several times saying I wanted to kill myself, but in retrospect I really only wanted to die and wasn't actually planning a method of suicide. I've wished I was never born, and I've prayed to God to take my life because I couldn't do it myself. Are all these things considered suicidal? I'm not sure...
But I have been a self-injurer for a while now. It started about five years ago, in the middle of an intense depression brought on by the end of a chaotic relationship. I had heard of cutting and self-injury, had known a few people who had done it. Randomly, in the middle of some of the most intense emotional pain I had ever felt, I self-injured for the first time. Crying on my bathroom floor, I lit a match, let it burn for a moment, then blew it out and stuck it into my upper arm. The release I felt and the rush of endorephins was compelely new to me. I injured a few more times, leaving severel small burns on my upper arms and thighs, then covered them with neosporin and band-aids to prevent scars. Although this may seem small in comparison with some self-injury stories, it was my entry into the world of S.I.
I suppose there were other signs in my life as well. Some have said that biting your cuticles or picking at scabs is a form of self injury. Throughout my life I have done both. A close observer could tell when I am really stressed by examining my hands: I will pick and chew at the edges of my thumbs until they are raw and bleeding. I have a hard time not touching or playing with pimples or small cuts and often develop tiny scars from this. And I've had several phases in my life where I pull the skin off the bottom of my feel (often using nail clippers or blades) until my soles are raw, sore and often bleeding.
Most recently I have dealt with my urges to self-injury by using replacement activities or distraction/relaxation techniques to help me avoid hurting myself. The book I am working on, The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook, as many great ideas for this. You can also find some here.
full list of BPD criteria here
Saturday, November 7, 2009
The Face of BPD - Part 5 of 9
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Hey. I really enjoy reading your blog. It helps me cope sometimes with things I go through, and it is comforting knowing there is someone out there experiencing similar situations.
ReplyDeleteI am glad to hear that. For me, writing this blog is just as much for helping others to recover as it is for helping ME to recover!
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