The Face of BPD - Part 5 of 9

Part 5 of my nine part series of what the diagnostic criteria (symptoms) of BPD look like in my own life.

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING POST MAY BE TRIGGERING TO PEOPLE WHO SELF INJURE. PLEASE DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU ARE IN A SAFE PLACE AND HAVE A METHOD TO COPE WITH S.I. URGES (SEE THE LINKS ON THE RIGHT FOR MORE INFORMATION)

Criterion #5: recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

I often question whether I am or have ever been suicidal because I have never made an actual suicide attempt. But I have felt that I wanted to cease living. When I was twelve I told someone I would kill myself, but I wasn't actually planning any way to do it. I've had the urge to crash my car into a tree while driving as well the strong desire to cut my wrists and watch them bleed, but I have never even started doing either of those things. I've checked myself into the emergency room several times saying I wanted to kill myself, but in retrospect I really only wanted to die and wasn't actually planning a method of suicide. I've wished I was never born, and I've prayed to God to take my life because I couldn't do it myself. Are all these things considered suicidal? I'm not sure...

But I have been a self-injurer for a while now. It started about five years ago, in the middle of an intense depression brought on by the end of a chaotic relationship. I had heard of cutting and self-injury, had known a few people who had done it. Randomly, in the middle of some of the most intense emotional pain I had ever felt, I self-injured for the first time. Crying on my bathroom floor, I lit a match, let it burn for a moment, then blew it out and stuck it into my upper arm. The release I felt and the rush of endorephins was compelely new to me. I injured a few more times, leaving severel small burns on my upper arms and thighs, then covered them with neosporin and band-aids to prevent scars. Although this may seem small in comparison with some self-injury stories, it was my entry into the world of S.I.

I suppose there were other signs in my life as well. Some have said that biting your cuticles or picking at scabs is a form of self injury. Throughout my life I have done both. A close observer could tell when I am really stressed by examining my hands: I will pick and chew at the edges of my thumbs until they are raw and bleeding. I have a hard time not touching or playing with pimples or small cuts and often develop tiny scars from this. And I've had several phases in my life where I pull the skin off the bottom of my feel (often using nail clippers or blades) until my soles are raw, sore and often bleeding.

Most recently I have dealt with my urges to self-injury by using replacement activities or distraction/relaxation techniques to help me avoid hurting myself. The book I am working on, The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook, as many great ideas for this. You can also find some here.

full list of BPD criteria here